This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self-control.
Steve has no idea how he ended up here. Here being on the floor of a random stranger's bedroom, pitch dark save for the light that shone through the gap between the floor and the door, and the soft light of random stranger's digital alarm clock. He feels smooth skin graze over his exposed ankle, the awkward position he's in having hitched up his jeans ever so slightly. Oh. Now he remembers how he ended up there. The smooth, bare skin that grazed his own belongs to Tony, after all.
Tony is his best friend, and a rather persuasive one at that. His head is already pounding slightly at the amount of alcohol he'd had that night, and if he could have moved his arms that was trapped underneath Tony's warm body, he would've smacked his forehead for allowing himself to have been dragged to this random dorm room party. He wants to kick himself for letting himself get dragged into a random room, crashing onto the floor as Steve purposely avoids the bed out of respect to the owner.
Steve swears his heart is going to break his ribcage at the rate his heart is pounding. Tony is drunk, and when Tony is drunk, he doesn't realize how touchy-feely he gets. Neither does he realize that his drunken bouts of touchy-feely-ness, to Steve, are absolute torture.
Tony doesn't know that he makes Steve's heart race. He doesn't know that when he drunkenly teases him, and hugs him and leans into him, it kills Steve to know that it's all just fun and games and alcohol. Whilst his hands rest on Steve's neck tonight, it will all be forgotten by tomorrow, replaced by a fist bump instead.
So he takes a deep breath and looks down into Tony's brown eyes, glazed over, but still pretty, to him at least. As he pulls him closer Steve is reminded again of the circumstances, the smell of whiskey more than a whisper on Tony's lips. With all the strength he had left he manages to pull back his arms and shoves Tony away before he's able to crash their lips together. He immediately almost regrets doing so, at the hurt he sees in those brown eyes. But Tony stumbles as he tries to get back onto his feet. So it stays as "almost".
"You're drunk Tony. Go back to your room."
Tony spits back.
"Why won't you let me kiss you." It's a question, and it's a statement at the same time. And all of a sudden Steve isn't so sure when those brown eyes lost their glaze. It doesn't quell the anger bubbling to the surface either.
"Again. You. Are. Drunk."
Tony practically growls.
"You. Are. Such. A. Fucking. Prude."
It's Steve's turn to growl.
"I'm not a fucking prude. I just fucking CARE whether or not the person kissing me MEANS IT."
Steve isn't sure if those last few words actually register in Tony's brain.
"I'm going. Call a cab or something Rogers. It's late. I'd walk you but it's too fucking far for this drunkard, right?"
He walks out on wobbly legs and slams the door behind him.
What Steve doesn't know is that really, his words do register in Tony's head. He also doesn't know just how Tony's heart races just the same as his does and that his breath smells of alcohol, because really, he's terrified. Terrified of being honest. Terrified of the truth.
It's a week later that Tony's phone rings, and it only rings once before he answers it.
"Steve?"
"It's mom."
ooooo
There are very few people at the funeral. It is over rather quickly; friends and acquaintances give Steve hugs or reassuring squeezes as they leave. Soon there is no one left but Steve and Tony.
"I'm sorry."
"…"
"Come back with me. Move to the dorms."
"Tony I can't."
"You can't stay here by yourself. Your mom… There's nothing left-"
"FUCK YOU."
"Calm down Steve you know what I meant!"
"NO. I'm not sure what you meant. By that did you mean that since my mom just kicked the bucket, I don't need to live in my HOME, because like everyone else, she was just another person, and people die ALL THE TIME, so it's not a big deal and since she's dead it's like she was never here in the first place, so I should just up and go? People are people, Tony; they're not disposable like your little experiments when they don't work out for you!"
Tony stands up and makes his way to the door.
"What I meant was… Even though she's gone… She's always going to be with you. You've felt and known her love, so it'll always be with you, in your heart. And if you ever do feel alone, I want to be there for you. I can't be there for you if you don't let me. And I know if I don't force you, you're never going to leave this place. And you WILL get lonely. I think I know what it's like, to be alone. That's what I meant. I'm not that heartless, Steve. I thought you knew."
He closes the door gently this time.
The next time Steve sees Tony, it's pouring.
ooooo
Steve doesn't see Tony for what seems like weeks, but in truth, it had probably been only a week or two. Tony texts him every day without fail, just to make sure he was okay. He doesn't reply to any of them. He tosses his phone to the side, not caring that it misses the bed and crashes onto the floor.
He flops onto his bed and closes his eyes. The rain is getting heavier and heavier.
He feels his heart ache and throb; thoughts of Mom and Tony run through his mind.
The truth is, Steve had understood what Tony had meant seconds after he lost control. The truth is, now he's terrified. He's not afraid of apologizing. He's just terrified at the thought that Tony wouldn't forgive him, and truth is, he wouldn't blame him. It didn't mean it hurt any less to admit it.
He reaches down for his phone anyway, but stops halfway as he hears a hard tap on his window. He doesn't need to look down to know who it is. He couldn't have run down fast enough.
He practically rips the front door open. "Gate's locked!"
"I'm coming!"
Tony climbs over the gate before Steve can get to unlock it. He is soaking wet by the time he reaches the doorstep, a grin plastered on his face. Steve takes a step closer towards him, not realizing his own body trembling.
"Tony I-"
"Steve, listen. I'm not sorry about what I said. But I am sorry that I'm a jerk and that it was the worst time and way to say it and you know I'm no good with feelings and I just want you to know that I meant every word. I know you hate the alcohol too… But… I'm just a coward sometimes and I figured you'd be sharp enough to see through it, but then again you always try to see the best in people, my drunk ass included. So it's gonna stop. I can't promise it'll stop entirely but I'm gonna give it a shot."
Tony inches closer and even though his hands tremble, his eyes are clear and focused as he places his hands on Steve's waist.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
"One more thing… I know this sounds selfish. But I need you. My home is wherever you are, and damn it Steve please don't leave me out in the cold."
Steve realizes he's crying only when Tony wipes away his tears with his thumbs. He pulls him closer by the waist, and his breath is shaky as he whispers.
"Come home with me."
He leans in and presses his lips against Steve's.
It's soft, warm and gentle, but Steve feels everything.
Every moment, every word, he now knows, Tony meant it.
They part slowly, fingers lacing as they leave Steve's doorstep.
"Take me home."
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.
Note: Lyrics and song - Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. I was listening to an acoustic version (Chris sounds so pained at the end of it) and it struck me how the song can seem romantic for some, but sometimes painful for others (raises hand). So this I guess is the in between. Hope you liked this and it evoked some good old school feelings and memories : )