(Scott and Smokin' Jackey Smiles are sitting on the bench, doing commentary for the Ceberity Deathmatch!)
Scott: Well, welcome to a special Fan Fic known as the Celebrity Deathmatch where various people slug it out for prize money and bragging rights!
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: Uh, Scott, you're talking smart again...
Scott: (slappes head) OOOOOOOooooops!
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: Well, the first deathmatch is between our very own EPW wrestlers, Scorn and Justin Tence!
(camera cuts to the EPW ring. Klepto is dressed up as Justin Tence and ready to wrestle Scorn!)
Jusin Tence: Bring on that mutherfucker, i'll rip his fuckin shirt off and make him eat it...
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: Uh, I'm afraid that Scorn can't make it...
Justin Tence: What?!
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: It seems that he's mourning his girlfriend's death... (Almost desperate) but don't worry! We got a replacement. He should be arriving any minute now...
(A few knock on the enterance door, then DoomRater steps in dressed like a pizza delivery guy, with red shirt and black pants.)
Pizza guy: Did somebody order pizza? (looks shocked at the backyard ring) Oh dude, sweet! This ring setup is awesome! I didn't know you guys were BYWF!
Justin Tence: Shut the fuck up!
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: He's a wrestler. I swear. It's just a gimmick.
Author: Who is that pizza guy anyway? He's cool!
Scott: Shut up! I'M the commentator! And STUPID PEOPLE RULE!
Author: (to himself) Acting stupid IS Scott's gimmick. (shakes head)
(Jusin Tence is really beating down on the Pizza guy. The poor guy has been punched to hell and back, as well as taken a big frog splash from the apron.)
Smokin' Jackey Smiles: What an ass kickin our wrestler has taken! And he's doing a good job of it too.
Scott: No! Not the Body Slam!! Noooooo!!!
SJS: Would you please SHUT UP!
Scott: There's the pin! 1... 2... 3!
SJS: And that's the end of the match. Justin Tence has won this beatdown!
Author: How pathetic! I hope the next match will be better!
(Cuts back to the announcers.)
SJS: The next match we have for you is in Ides of Diamond's world. You know the little fleas they call fairies? Well, two famous fairies are gonna go for it to the death! It's...
Author: Navi versus Wanouth!!
(Cuts to a scene near the forest. Navi and Wanouth looked really pissed.)
Navi: You suck!
Wanouth: No, you suck!
Navi: Oh yeah?! Take this!
(Navi unleases evil magic on Wanouth. She becomes stunned from the blast of magic. somehow, she manages to release a blast of her own in time to paralyze Navi.)
(As the two regain movement, the two charge up for their most powerful magic blast!)
Saria: Come on, Wanouth! You can do it!
Link: Navi! Let's kick some pixie ass!
(The two release their full strength on each other. The blast doesn't stop at the center, but flows through! Heavy clouds cover the two, and when the dust clears, only Wanouth is left flying.)
Saria: Yeaaaah!
Link: .....
(Cuts back to announcers.)
Author: Where were the two of you anyway? You were supposed to comment on that matchup!
SJS: No way. I don't even know who Saria and Link are!
Scott: DoomRater told me they were people from some video game.
SJS: (laughs) That was so fuckin hilarious! Anyway, our next match is in DoomRater's world. Unlike the other fight you just saw, this is not a fight to the death.
Scott: It's... Chief versus Boss Man!
(Cuts to a scene outside of the island, on the beach. The two seem to be ready to go at it.)
Chief: I am the ultimate fighter! No one has beat me in a fair fight!
Boss Man: That makes two of us.
Scott: Liar!
SJS: Let's give it up for these two!
(applause)
(The two are finished warming up. They lunge at each other and begin to throw martial-arts pounches and kicks at Matrix speed.)
SJS: Damn these guys can fight!
(Chief lands a puch on Boss Man over the cheek, while Boss Man delivers his own blow to the stomach. The force is enough that the two ricochet off of each other. THe two close in on each other and pick up where they left off.)
Scott: I can't believe these guys! They're fighting so well!
(Chief pulls off a high kick that spins.)
SJS: His Flying Cyclone kick! Yes! Go Chief!
(The two, irritated by the fact that they can't seem to beat the other, finally call it quits.)
Scott: That sucked!! Why didn't you guys keep fighting?
Boss Man and Chief: We'd have to kill each other to win on this one, and that's not why we fight!
(Cuts back to announcers.)
SJS: Now, for fight I know you've been waiting for... In Drakketh's world, Drakketh versus DoomRater!
Author: This sounds awesome!
(Cuts to a cave deep inside of Death Mountain.)
DoomRater: It's really too bad you can't join the Elite, cause you're married. Sure wish I could do something about it...
Drakketh: Put me in, or you're adead man!
DoomRater: Can't. It's the rules.
(Drakketh releases a huge fireball made of holy energy. This fireball doesn't even hurt Doomy.)
DoomRater: Aw, come on... Just try and kill me!
(Drakketh pulls out a Voodoo doll and cuts its head off. He throws the doll on the ground and begins to squash it.)
DoomRater: Ow ow ow... Hey, where's my body go?! (head flies back onto the now reserrected body.)
Drakketh: Can't you even die?!
DoomRater: You know how to kill me, but if you don't, then well...
(DoomRater unsheathes his Demon Sword, the evil's bane from the game Demon Sword for NES. He takes a slice at Drakketh's head, but misses.)
Drakketh: Come on, take your best shot!
(DoomRater puts the Demon Sword away, and pulls out an R CP-120LX, then quickly fumbles around for the bandana from Metal Gear Solid that gives him unlimited bullets. He then unloads bullets into Drakketh, but they bounce off of him.)
DoomRater: Dammit! You're invincible again, aren't you?!
Drakketh: You said it!
(Drakketh casts a death spell on Doomy, instantly killing him.)
Scott: Not bad...
(Drakketh falls to his knees in pain.)
Drakketh: What a waste. Now I'll be seein ya in about a day. Bye-bye!
(Drakketh opens a portal to his regenerating realm.)
SJS: Could've been better.
(Cuts back to announcers.)
Scott: Now, if you liked this episode of Celebrity Deathmatch, feel free to tell DoomRater the author about who you want to be in the next matchup! Maybe... Ruto versus Zelda? How about Goldberg versus Ganondorf? Post Rapture versus Tiger5913? It could happen... with your votes. Just review!
Author: See? No sex, no sex jokes... I learned my lesson!