Sam wakes up one morning to an empty motel room.
The weapons, their research for the latest case, everything is gone. The room is empty except for his bag and a tape recorder on the table by the door. Sam picks it up with a growing sense of trepidation and presses play. His brother's voice fills his ears, sounding exhausted and sad even through the crappy little speakers.
"I don't know when it happened. Maybe while you were off getting your demon on with Ruby, maybe when we went our separate ways after Lucifer got out…hell, maybe it was Purgatory that finally did it. I just…Cas is important to me. He's always been important, but it's different now. And I lied to you, Sammy. Maybe Cas isn't dead. I don't know for sure. I found him down there, and we…we had a plan for getting out. I tried to bring him with me. I tried to hold on, but he just slipped away from me.
"I never would've left him there on purpose, not in a million years. I thought I had to put it behind me though, y'know? We've both seen what kinda monsters can crawl out of Purgatory if you give 'em so much as an inch to push through. I couldn't take that kind of risk, not even for Cas. But I can't do it anymore, Sam. I try to tell myself there's no other choice. I try to be strong and forget…and I just can't. So I'm going back in.
"I know you're not gonna like this. I can hear you now. It's too dangerous. I could let something else out, something worse than the Leviathan. Cas might already be dead. I could get stuck there forever. And I know all of that man, I really do, but…honestly? We've torn the world apart more times than I can count for each other, and Cas has given up more for me than I can even stomach thinking about, and…well, I guess it's time one of the Winchesters does some bleeding for him for a change." The scratchy recording goes silent for a moment, and Sam imagines he can make out a sigh.
"Anyway…I'd rather be stuck there with him than here without him. You can hate me for it all you want, but that's the God's honest truth. While I was there all I could think about was gettin' out, gettin' back to my geek brother, but now...it's like I'm missing a part of me, man. I know that sounds…maybe it's exactly what it sounds like, I dunno. We never got around to having that conversation.
"I can't let you stop me. I know you'll try if I give you the chance, and I don't have the energy to fight you and break into another dimension at the same time. So here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna get rid of all my fake IDs. I'm gonna take the weapons I think I can use over there, and the rest are gonna disappear. The room is paid for and the car is cleaned and parked outside. My cell phones are all broken, so don't try to call me and talk me out of this. Benny's been instructed to lose your number. Kevin and his mom are with Alfie, so they're not your responsibility anymore.
"This is my goodbye letter, little brother. Listen to it, be mad at me all you want, and then I want you to forget about it. Put up a grave marker, burn my tapes, sell the car…whatever you have to do, do it. And then…move on. Like you did last year. Go find Amelia, and your dog, and hope to God they're dumb enough to take you in again. Go live that normal, apple-pie life. Get your law degree. Put a picture of me somewhere, tell your kids about their dumb Uncle Dean someday."
Dean's voice breaks, and Sam has to swallow hard to keep the tears from coming. His hands are shaking, and no. This isn't what he wanted. This isn't what he meant when he said he wanted a normal life. He folds himself into one of the chairs because he doesn't think his legs with hold him through what he feels coming.
"I spent my whole life lookin' out for you and I don't regret a goddamn minute of it. That was my job for a long time. I didn't always do it too good, but I did the best I could and I hope you weren't too messed up by it. But now you're all grown up and you've dealt with your demons, and you're ready to get out and move on. You can take care of yourself…but Cas can't right now. He needs me…and God help me but I need him, too. So…I'm gonna go get him. If we ever do make it back here I'll send ya a postcard.
"I love you Sammy. I'm proud of you."
Author's Note: I finally caught up with season gr8 tonight and I just had too many feelings. I refuse to believe Dean would ever leave Castiel in Purgatory on purpose, so this is my way of parsing what could have happened and what Dean could be thinking and why he's not trying to get Cas out right now, and maybe also to deal with some of the brothers tension that's going on in the show right now. This of course would be set way later than what we've seen so far, when they've reconnected with the Trans and Sam knows about Benny. I have a vague notion for a second installment but no promises...just depends on if my feels leave me alone or not!