Author's Note: I am often inspired by music in every aspect of my life, and this time is no exception. I listened to this song and I thought immediately of Cailan. I thought it must be what he thinks of the fake self he has created…that thin shell of a man he wears in front of his adoring public towards the end of his life. Listen to Everybody's Fool after you read this piece, and I think you'll understand.
I do not own Dragon Age. That belongs to all of those lucky bastards at Bioware. If I did have any say at all, Maric would magically come back from the dead, Cailan would have squashed the Ogre, and Maric, Alistair and Cailan would all be one big happy family. A fangirl, can dream, right? (sigh)
Everybody's Fool
"Without the mask
Where will you hide?
Can't find yourself
Lost in your lie…"
- Evanescence
How could you?
After all this time we've spent together…the years of heartache and loneliness. Of pleasure and pain. Of happiness and grief; agony and regret. Childhood hopes that would never come to pass, and shattered dreams scattered in the wind. Whatever the challenge, through everything, we stuck together. I made sure of that.
You were my stand-in. A lifeless, soulless shell. Mindless. Perfect. An idol and a God. That's what you were for.
You were the self I did not want to be.
A façade, created to do the dirty work. That was it. You would stand around and look pretty, dazzle the world with your smile, but I would still be safe. I would still be me, huddled in one corner of my mind while the prince came out to play the part our people wanted to see.
Smile and nod, Cailan. Go on, stand up. Wave. Don't forget, they're always there.
Don't forget...
They're watching you.
Each and every time I would call for you, and you were always right there to take over for me. I was afraid…afraid of what you were and afraid of what I was supposed to be.
For many aspects of my life, you were destined to dominate, but even so, how I rejoiced whenever I was free! How I longed for those days when I could be Cailan, though as I grew older, they were fewer and farther between. Eventually, it came to the point where I was around just often enough so father wouldn't worry. I was around when nothing hurt. When I could be alone, walk the gardens for a while, and wish for the simple life denied me. No matter how hard I tried, it never lasted long enough. Something would come up again, and then the dutiful heir would take over once more. I was but an outcast within a body I could hardly call my own. Prince Cailan was the only one they ever truly wanted.
Sometimes I liked to pretend it wasn't a weakness. Sometimes I managed to fool myself into thinking I was strong. But you have always been my greatest achievement, and my darkest curse. The best thing I could ever have done, and yet, the worst because of it.
I knew that. I always knew, but it still worked for me. I got to retain my true sense of self, if only in my head, while you were doing just as I intended you to do; running around spreading 'innocent' laughter and forced good-cheer, smiling that dreadful, empty smile as the lies dripped like poison off your tongue. That was a fine life, would you not agree? It worked for us, didn't it, Your Highness? Hmm? Didn't it?
Didn't it? Didn't it?!
In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter, now does it? Either way, it doesn't sodding matter. Because one day my fragile life finally started to crash down around me. Slowly. Painfully. As if it were a pane of glass with an ever-expanding web of cracks.
Maric the Savior was gone, and more and more often, so was I. Suddenly, how stupid and pointless it all was struck me. I gave up, and you let me. After the burning of my father's pyre, I began to use you for everything. The Landsmeet. The Coronation. The moment I said, "I do." None of that was me, not really. And you know why? Because it was easier that way. It was easy. It was safe. It was enough to keep the anguish from breaking this wounded heart. You just let me hide behind you until eventually, nothing remained, and now it is far too late to change that. Far too late to change anything. You betrayed me.
How could you? How could you?
You were supposed to be my shield, you blighted son-of-a-bitch. That was the whole damn point. You were supposed to prevent this from happening, but you failed…and so did I.
I hate it. I hate them.
But I hate you more.
You were supposed to help me. I made you.
Now, you are me. And you're everybody's fool.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This is how I believe Cailan could have felt after Maric's death. Bitter. Lost. Angry, and a score of other emotions we can't even imagine. His entire miserable life rears its ugly head, and poor Cailan is lost in his own anguish. This is the result.
He does sound rather mad too, doesn't he? Poor Cailan…I so wish his life had been a happier one ;_;
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this… each and every one of you. If you see anything that needs fixing, as always, let me know. Constructive criticism is our friend. I always love to hear feedback, good and bad, so drop me a review if you've the time :). Thanks again!