NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, ICE AGE: THE MELTDOWN, THE MATRIX, AND THE WARDROBE
Script by Jessica Tangerine
Fade in: [AT THE HOUSE]
LUCY: Let's play a game of hide and seek!
PETER: Alright. Sounds like a jolly good idea!
The children all scurry to find places to hide. Lucy runs into a room and finds herself face to face with a giant wardrobe.
LUCY: Whoa.
She enters the wardrobe.
[CUT TO: IN THE WARDROBE]
A bald man named MORPHEUS is on the other side of the wardrobe.
MORPHEUS: Welcome, Lucy.
LUCY: Hello.
MORPHEUS: As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.
LUCY: I actually guessed you were Lawrence Fishburne. I am Lucy.
MORPHEUS: I know that.
LUCY: Creep.
MORPHEUS: Your whole life has been spent in a computer simulation designed to turn humans into…
He holds up a battery.
MORPHEUS: (cont.) the Energizer bunny.
LUCY: I have absolutely no idea what you just said.
MORPHEUS: The Matrix cannot be explained. It can only be shown. You have to see it for yourself.
LUCY: Okay.
Morpheus smiles mysteriously and takes out a small box from his trench coat pocket. He takes out two pills, a RED pill and a BLUE pill. Lucy is entranced.
MORPHEUS: From this point, there is no turning back. Take the blue pill, and you wake up back in Dreamland and everything is over. Take the red pill and I'll show you how far the wardrobe goes.
Lucy takes both pills just to see what would happen.
[ABRUPTLY CUT TO: ICE AGE SETTING]
All the little animals are playing on ice-sculpted waterslides. Suddenly, the ice starts to crack.
SID: AHHHHH! We're all gonna die!
MANNY: I'm the last mammoth!
DIEGO: I can't swim!
WEIRD SPAMBOT CREATURE: Purchase this turtle carcass and you will stay alive!
From behind them, two angryfish previously frozen in blocks of ice start to twitch a little in their glassy prisons. We ZOOM towards them unbeknownst to Sid, Manny and Diego and the camera FOCUSES on their large dilated EYE.
[FADE IN: NARNIA]
She wakes up on a snowy ground in the woods. The entrance to the wardrobe is behind her. Morpheus has disappeared. Curious, Lucy rises and explores her surroundings. She sees a fawn, half human, half goat, called TUMNUS.
LUCY: AAAAAH!
TUMNUS: AAAAAH!
LUCY: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
TUMNUS: !
Tumnus hides behind a tree while Lucy hides behind a streetlamp.
LUCY: I am Morpheus.
TUMNUS: I am naked.
LUCY: That's your name?
TUMNUS: I was born naked. I will always be naked.
LUCY: That's great.
TUMNUS: So… how did you get here?
LUCY: Uh, I, er, ate something.
TUMNUS: Just as I thought. Another victim of food poisoning.
LUCY: What did you eat?
TUMNUS: I ate a house. That's why I'm half goat. Aslan here, he's our king, he ate a whole country.
LUCY: Okay…
TUMNUS: Anyway, nice talking to you, but I gotta run, or Tilda Swinton's gonna turn me into a rock and eat me.
LUCY: Who?
TUMNUS: Tilda Swinton. She made it snow a lot here because she wanted to open a skiing and snowboarding business but she doesn't like Christmas because she's Atheist.
LUCY: Have a good day to you too.
She leaves.
[CUT TO: HOUSE]
LUCY: You guys won't believe where I just went!
SUSAN: Lucy, what are you talking about?
PETER: Yes, Lu, what do you mean?
LUCY: I went into that wardrobe over there and some bald guy gave me two pills and I ate them. Then I went to this snowy place where some naked half goat half person guy told me Tilda Swinton was Atheist.
SUSAN: Uh. Okay. You're off your rocker.
EDMUND: Enticing.
Edmund heads to the wardrobe to try his luck.
[FADE IN: NARNIA]
Edmund is standing in the snow when a sleigh drives by. An AGENT SMITH is sitting next to TILDA SWINTON, who is wearing a dead raccoon, really really high heels and a dress that would definitely get her dress coded at Longfellow Middle School. She also has little icicles on her head because she likes to turn on the AC.
AGENT SMITH: Do you not mind the cold?
TILDA: I find it refreshing.
EDMUND: Hi.
TILDA: If you bring me your brothers and sisters, little kid, I'll give you jellybeans.
AGENT SMITH: Do we have a deal, Mr. Pevensie?
EDMUND: How do you know I have siblings, and my last name?
TILDA: Google.
AGENT SMITH: The Matrix.
EDMUND: We have a deal, Tilda.
TILDA: I'm not Tilda, I'm the White Witch!
EDMUND: Rascist.
[CUT TO: NARNIA ENTRANCE]
SUSAN: Hi, beaver.
PETER: C'mere, c'mere… [beaver noises]
BEAVER: What are you talking about? I'm a prehistoric Sloth! My name is Sid!
SUSAN: EEK!
LUCY: Do you know where Tilda Swinton lives?
SID: Oh, yeah. Right in that ice castle over there by Hollywood Hills.
LUCY: Thanks a bunch!
2012 begins to occur. The apocalypse is causing a huge meltdown on the lake they are standing on and the ice begins to crack, ominously. At this inconvenient moment Santa Claus appears.
LUCY: Santa!
SID: Oh, Mr. Claus! What an honor! Are you here to worship me?
SANTA: Um, no. Since Tilda took over the economy I've been out of business, but now I'm back because I'm running on my retirement fund. Yep, so…
He unloads a bag of toys from his sleigh.
SANTA: Okay… Lucy, you get a bottle of moonshine and a small knife for stabbing people… Susan, you get a quiver of arrows and a bow for shooting people… Peter, here's this cheap sword I found at the playground for chopping up people…
He rummages deeper into the sack.
SANTA: …and here, Sid, you get six large machine guns, this trench coat and the sunglasses.
SID: Awesome!
He puts on the coat and sunglasses and starts to do slow motion kungfu moves, humming the song Burly Brawl from The Matrix.
[CUT TO: ON THE CRACKED ICE]
Manny, Diego, the SQUIREEL and the WEIRD SPAMBOT CREATURE are standing on the fracturing ice. They stand very silently.
DIEGO: Where's Sid?
Manny: No idea.
CUT TO: The camera moves UNDER the ice towards the surface from the point of view of the angryfish. We CUT TO above the ice and suddenly the angryfish LEAPS out of the water, roaring. The other angryfish carries an acorn in its mouth.
SQUIRREL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—
The squirrel's eyes bulge wide upon sight of the acorn. He grabs hold onto the nut and tugs, his arms elongating like rubber bands. When the angryfish refuses to give up, we ZOOM IN on the squirrel's EYES and a gong sounds as the squirrel goes Matrix kungfu.
Grabbing the first angryfish, the squirrel swings it in a circle and smashes it into other angryfish. The acorn pops out of the angryfish's fanged mouth and the squirrel leaps after it.
[SHOT IN BULLET-TIME] The squirrel is about to catch the acorn, his eyes rolling feverishly in his sockets, his tongue flapping out of his mouth like a red flag, his fingers stretching for the acorn—
[NORMAL TIME] He catches it in midair. He freezes for a second in nothingness
SQUIRREL: Uh-oh.
The squirrel falls into the water with the angryfish and the acorn, screaming.
CUT TO: The squirrel suddenly finds himself sitting in a plush red leatherbacked chair. Across from him is MORPHEUS.
MORPHEUS: Welcome, squirrel.
The squirrel lets out a confused sound.
MORPHEUS: You are here because you know something.
The squirrel puts on a questioning look, one eye popping out further than the other.
MORPHEUS: Have you ever had a dream, squirrel, that you were so sure was real?
TRINITY: (V.O.) Morpheus, are you talking to squirrels again?
MORPHEUS: Um, Trin, gimme a sec.
TRINITY: (V.O.) This is the third squirrel you've talked to today!
MORPHEUS: Uh, no. The first was a girl, the second was Keanu Reeves, and this is the first squirrel I've talked to in a week.
TRINITY: (V.O.) Alright then. But hurry up, you have a speech to make at a party and you haven't practiced all day.
MORPHEUS: Okay mommy.
He takes out two acorns, a red one and a blue one and a green one. The red acorn sits in his left hand, while the blue and green acorns sit in his right.
MORPHEUS: The time has come for you to make a choice, squirrel. Take the blue acorn, you wake up, you believe whatever you want to believe, the story is over. Take the red acorn, and I show you how far the room goes. Take the green pill—I actually have no idea what it does.
The squirrel isn't listening to Morpheus. He stares greedily at all three acorns.
He eats the green one and steals the other two while Morpheus is looking.
[CUT TO: SIX FLAGS NARNIA]
A crowd gathers. The lion ASLAN and TILDA SWINTON enter a tent. Chatter sweeps the crowd.
LATER
TILDA SWINTON: We have reached an agreement.
The crowd holds its breath.
TILDA: Aslan and I are going to get married!
The crowd cheers. Sid does a ninja move.
ASLAN: Rawr.
FADE OUT
THE END.