A/N: PLEASE don't ask.
Disclaimer: Blah to all of you and your stupid lawyers.
And now, without further ado…
The DRCCL!
(The Dead Rolling Chair Called Lista!)
Sabre sighed exasperatedly and pushed her long, brown hair out of her face. She was tired. She was beyond tired. You know, the kind of tired where you've worked your butt off ALL day without food or drink and you just have to sit down or you'll DIE dramatically by falling over the edge of a cliff that has nothing to do with anything! Yeah, that kind of tired. And guess what? All of the chairs in the common room were taken. You might ask why she simply did not go up to her dorm and lay down. That would take effort. I mean, come on, stairs? Yeah right, screw that.
Ahem. So anyway…
Sabre walked back out of the common room and ignored the Fat Lady's protests. She wondered briefly who decided to call the Fat Lady that, and why she never seemed to take offense.
Sabre walked down to the kitchens 'cause… she wanted to. I don't care if she had to go down stairs to do it. You all suck. There she ran into Lista, literally. Lista had been trying to contain Sirius, who also happened to be in the kitchens. He rose from the dead and it had left him awfully hungry. Lista promptly died for no reason whatsoever. Sirius continued running around the kitchens, the elves continued basking him in attention, Sabre just happened to have a stick in her hand that she then poked Lista with.
Lista rolled around being dead (yes, rolled! YOU ALL SUCK!) and Sabre's fatigue got the better of her. She then used Lista as a chair. Sirius and the elves stopped to stare at her. Sabre looked up. Tears filled her eyes instantly and she got up, running across the kitchens towards Sirius. He spread his arms, ready to hug his daughter, then she ran right past him to the chocolate cake sitting on the countertop behind him.
Taking the chocolate cake, Sabre walked back over to Lista and sat down again. Sirius walked over to her, frowning slightly.
"Sabre."
She looked up, her mouth too full to respond through.
"You just walked right past me…"
She nodded.
"To get to a chocolate cake…"
She nodded again.
"That's MINE!" Sirius grabbed the cake and ran.
"HEY!" Sabre bolted after her father, Lista on her heels. (Yeah, she can run while she's dead. Get used to it. As a matter of fact, she can do anything while she's dead that she could do while she was alive. Yeah. Better.)
And so the grand chase began…
…that was over in two minutes…
Sirius whined loudly and watched miserably as Sabre ate the sweet, sweet cake very slowly. She smirked at her father, who was lying flat on his back due to the Body Bind spell she had cast. Sirius whined again and Sabre flicked a crumb at him.
Sirius stared at the crumb that was currently perched in a place of pure glory on his chest. He tried to lean his head forward but it refused to obey him. Whether she was trying to make him feel better by not making him stare at the crumb or trying to antagonize because she wanted chocolate cake, Lista promptly picked the crumb up and put it in her mouth. After that, she clung to Sabre's leg, which she did often for no reason whatsoever.
Sabre patted her head and gave her a piece of cake. Predicting what was to come, Sabre set the cake down as Lista glomped her.
After much time consumed by being glomped, Sabre started to antagonize her father some more. In her distraction, Lista stole the rest of the cake. Sabre was prone to much pouting when she noticed this. Lista poked her, which made her feel better. Sirius started to wriggle free of the spell and kicked Sabre in the shin, as the only thing he could move for that moment was one leg.
"Oh fine, you can get up." Sabre said, taking the spell off of her father. Sirius stood and tried to escape but the two girls dragged him unceremoniously to the couch that just happened to be in the hallway, at that extremely convenient spot.
"Hey guys, what's that?" Sirius said suddenly, pointing behind them.
Sabre rolled her eyes. "That's such an old trick."
Lista, however, turned. "S-S-S-S-S-S-Sabre!"
Sabre turned and screamed. "Run for it!"
The three dashed off, each going a different way. Sirius and Lista each smashed into a wall while Sabre ran to safety. The horrible, nightmarish thing loomed up on Lista and picked her up. She shrieked and fell limp, unconscious 'cause women always shriek and pass out when scary things grab them. Sirius waited patiently to wet himself before it was his turn to be mauled.
For you see it was… dun dun dun!… Willy Wonka.
Sabre stopped running to look at the author.
"Willy Wonka? Come on! That's so lame! He makes CANDY!"
The author, who happened to be Sabre herself, paused and pondered this. "Mmm… candy… But he's evil!"
This promptly started an argument.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
Sabre stopped to take a deep breath then continued arguing with herself.
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
"Y'know, you have a point…" Sabre said.
"Good. So keep running."
"What about Lista?"
"She's already dead."
"Yeah, but –"
"DANGIT, STOP ARGUING AND RUN!"
"Gee, thanks, Sabre! Love you too!" Lista woke up to yell at the author, then she passed out again.
The author stomped off to sulk, leaving the story to write itself for a while.
Lista woke up again and kicked Willy Wonka in the shin then walked over to the abandoned notepad and pencil. This can't be good.
Lista promptly began to write, and as always happens when someone gives her the opportunity to do so, some freaky crap happened.
For starters, all of Hogwarts was suddenly decorated in green, silver, and orange. Banners waved around, proudly proclaiming "SLYTHERIN IS THE BEST AND IF YOU DISAGREE WE'LL EAT YOU!" From somewhere near the Hufflepuff common room, screams of terror could be heard.
Yes, Lista had taken control of the story indeed.
Sabre (not author-Sabre, but story-Sabre) crossed her arms and glared. "Lista, change the décor back to normal and stop molesting the Hufflepuffs. I may not be author-Sabre, but don't think I won't steal this story back from you in a jiffy!"
A Slytherin logo promptly appeared from the sky and fell on Sabre's head. Lista grinned wickedly and bounced around, the pad and pencil still in her hands. It was at this moment that everyone remembered – much to Lista's disgruntlement (and slight joy at being able to use the word disgruntlement) that this story was originally about Lista being a dead chair.
Suddenly, all the population of Hogwarts was seated on a very disgruntled Lista. Even being able to once again use the word disgruntled didn't cheer her up.
"EW! EW! GRYFFINDOR COOTIES!" Lista shrieked, flailing madly.
"We do not have cooties!" Sabre argued.
"Do so!"
"Do not!"
"Do so!"
"You're just jealous!"
"You... you... you... LLAMA!"
There was an awkward silence.
"Lista... did you just call me a llama?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"It seemed appropriate at the time."
"It seemed appropriate to call me a llama?"
"Yes'm."
Sabre groaned and began to rave about Lista being a Turdy when Dumbledore had the magical idea of getting off Lista's lap.
Author-Sabre sighed and wrestled the notepad from Lista. "Give that here, young lady, you've gone and bungled up me whole story!"
Lista squealed at the Scottish accent Sabre had decided to use for no reason. She went back to clinging to Sabre's leg while Sabre fixed the decorations around Hogwarts. She made everyone but the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors get off Lista's lap, then promptly pointed and laughed at the disgruntled glare Lista was giving her.
"It's okay, Turdy, I'll let you up when you decide you'll be a good girl and admit Gryffindors don't have cooties."
"NEVER!"
"'Kay then."
Lista pouted. Sirius was about to run and hide when Mary appeared out of nowhere right in front of him and made him fall down. Sabre stopped pointing and laughing at Lista to point and laugh at her father.
Sirius glared at Sabre. "You're grounded, missy!"
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are!"
"I'm the author, Daddy, so you can't ground me or I'll make a group of non-scantily clad fan girls appear and stick to you like glue." Sabre waved her pencil in warning.
Sirius growled. "You're evil."
"I got it from you."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did too!" Sabre waved her pencil again, glaring. Sirius fell silent.
Mary coughed slightly. Nobody noticed.
Lista whined loudly. "Sabre! Get these freaks off of me!"
"Nope. Not until you say Gryffindors don't have cooties."
"Fine. Gryffindors don't have cooties."
"Good girl. Now say Slytherins have cooties!"
"No! You suck!"
"You know you love me."
"You still suck."
Sabre stuck her tongue out, feeling mature.
Mary coughed again. Sabre raised her eyebrows at her. "Oh! Hi, Mary-chan! When'd you get here?"
"A few minutes ago."
"You're a Gryffindor, right?"
"Yeah."
"Great. Sit on Lista."
Mary stared at Sabre oddly. "I beg your pardon?"
"Sit on Lista." Sabre repeated, pointing to the large pile of people sitting on Lista. Mary shrugged and climbed onto the pile. Sabre grinned while Lista continued to whine.
"Sabre! You dang crazy horrible redneck!" Lista shrieked. " Make it stop!"
"Okay, okay, everybody get off the dead Lista chair." Sabre stuck one leg out and tripped Sirius as he tried, yet again, to escape. "Where do you think you're off to so soon? You haven't even said hi to Mary-chan yet!"
Sirius grunted and waved to Mary.
"Hi, Sirius! Hey… if you're back from the dead, where're James and Lily?" Mary asked, dumping a Pixie Stick into her mouth.
An eerie hush fell over the hallway. And then…
"To the kitchen!" Sabre yelled, running off. Mary and Lista started to follow, then ran back, grabbed Sirius, and dragged him along too.
James paraded around the kitchens, holding a ladle for a swagger stick, and singing loudly. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, on everybody's nerves, on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes!"
Lily edged slowly towards the exit, pretending she didn't know him, and almost got bowled over by Sabre.
James stopped singing and turned to stare. "Sabre!"
"Uncle James!" Sabre started to run towards him and tackled him.
"Oh, so he gets a hug, but I get ignored for chocolate cake." Sirius grumbled bitterly, totally ignoring the fact that his best friend was alive and walking around. Author-Sabre thwapped him and inserted an emotional moment between him and James.
Sabre yawned and realized she was still tired because she hadn't gotten to sit down for very long as Lista was a horribly uncomfortable chair. "I think I need to go to bed. Uncle James, carry me. Please?" she gave James the puppy dog eyes.
"Of course." James picked her up and flipped her upside down, dangling her so that her hair brushed against the ground.
She sighed. "I just washed that hair too."
James started to carry her off in the direction of the Slytherin dorms, just to irritate, and Sabre spazzed. "No! Slytherin bad! BAD! Lista! Save me!"
"Eh… why?" Lista asked, petting Sirius.
"I have Post-Its!" Sabre pulled orange Post-Its out of her pocket and soon had a very hyper Lista glued to her. James's knees buckled under the weight and he slammed into the floor. Everybody else laughed, except Lista, who was busy naming her orange Post-Its.
"I shall call you… Richie!" she proclaimed regally, holding one Post-It up into the air.
Sabre wrestled the pencil from the author and scribbled Agatha onto the Post-It.
"No! Curse you, redneck!" Lista screeched.
"But that one's a girl. Here, this is a boy, this is Richie."
Lista hugged Agatha and Richie, then, somehow, someway, she made them have Post-It sex. Agatha gave birth to twinlings, which were then dubbed Agatha Jr. and Richie Jr. Lista squeaked with glee.
A/N: Wow… I don't even know where most of this came from. And yes, Lista actually wrote the section where story-Lista was writing. Anyway, I really don't have much to say, so hope you guys enjoyed it, and I'm shutting up now.