I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it.
Ricki's fingernails dig into her skin, a gasp falling from her opened mouth as she stares through the two way mirror and into the interrogation room as Kate moves from sitting in front of their suspect to the back wall. She can't describe the betrayal that courses through her, suddenly; can't begin to think straight. All this time, she'd known?
Kate… stay with me… I love you.
It felt like a punch to her gut.
When Kate emerged and met her, all she could do was stare. Hurt crashed through her, mixed with slight anger and confusion. It made a dangerous cocktail in her mind.
"Castle?" Kate asked, lifting an eyebrow in her direction. She couldn't remember even sitting down in her chair, nor did she realize that the entirety of the time had been spent staring at her. "Is everything okay?"
Ricki desperately wanted to tell her that it was, but the longer her silence held the longer Kate's anxieties rose. But how could she be expected to just smile and tell her that she was alright? Especially after so long of her thinking that Kate's shooting was a black and white blur and nothing had stuck with her.
"Ricki?" she asked quietly, voice dropping. "It's not Alexis or anything… right?"
She was alert then, shaking her head furiously. "No, Kate," she said slowly. "Alexis is fine. It's just…"
She had no words.
After all this time, after writing books about Kate and books before her, she was suddenly silent; suddenly tongue tied. All she could do was stare; she wanted so badly to scream at her, to tell her that she had crossed a line and that she should have come clean. Trying to stop from hurting Ricki's feelings aside, perhaps she would have just moved on with her life, or come to terms with it.
Oh, who was she kidding? She'd probably always be in love with Kate Beckett. Returned feelings or not.
"I watched your interrogation earlier," she started slowly, sinking her teeth into her lower lip as she stared at her. There was no hint of regret or recognition in her features and for a moment, Ricki wondered if she were playing dumb on purpose. "I heard what you said, Kate… about your shooting."
Kate visibly paled. "Ricki… I…"
"Please, Kate," she begged hoarsely. "No excuses… just… why?"
Kate dipped her head, forced to find words that could no longer be expressed in anything other than I'm sorry or I didn't mean to hurt you. And while both of those statements were true, the clichés wouldn't go past the writer and she certainly would need to supply a reason better than that.
"What I told you… on the swings, Castle? It's true." She said instead, licking her lips. "I have these walls around me, walls that nothing has been able to penetrate for such a long time and then you came in and the way I was attracted to you scared the shit out of me."
Ricki held her breath, waiting for it – the excuse. There had to be something; had to be a reason why Kate would decide to keep this from her for nearly a year. But there came nothing but silence and a heated glance. Kate sunk her teeth into her lower lip and dropped her gaze, fingers digging into the arms of her chair.
"So what?" Ricki asked, angrier now. "You just let me go on thinking you had no recollection as to what happened that day?" She pushed up and grabbed her coat, throwing it on her arm. "I guess I shouldn't have expected any less."
Kate wasn't permitted time to speak as Ricki turned and walked toward the elevator, slamming her palm into the button. She tried to stay calm, tried to keep her bearings, but even as she tilted her head back and looked at her partner, one thing ran through her mind on a continuous loop.
How could I be so stupid?
She'd barely gotten through the door before her mother and Alexis were crowding her, talking about Alexis' upcoming graduation and plans they'd made and she felt dizzy listening to it all but she smiled politely and palmed the back of her daughter's hair, wondering where the last eighteen years of her life had gone.
God, she needed a drink.
They ordered out, Thai food which happened to be Alexis' favourite. And during dinner when her mother dared to ask about the precinct and Beckett, she'd shut her down almost immediately.
"So, where are you going back?" Alexis asked, faltering on her words.
Ricki took a pause and then pulled a tight smile on her face. "I'm not."
She thinks their silence means they're both shocked, but they don't mention it. Neither of them does.
Days come and go, weeks pass; she doesn't contact Kate and in turn, Kate doesn't contact her. She tries to convince herself that she's happy about that. It doesn't work.
Ricki becomes understandably blocked when it comes to her writing. Nikki used to be her release, but now it reminded her too much of Kate, too much of the what-ifs they could have had together. It became a problem when her ex-girlfriend began poking for more chapters, more books, more money, but she dealt with Gina the only way she knew how: ignoring her.
A week after Alexis' graduation, she was curled in front of the fire, reading Heat Wave. Her daughter had been whisked away by her grandmother that morning and she was occupying the space of the loft by herself until the next morning when she would join them in the Hampton's.
There was a knock on the door and she lifted her eyes up toward the sound and shut the book, standing up and walking toward the door. She hovered for a moment before opening it up, her mouth falling agape some. "Beckett?" She asked, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. "What are you doing here?" She asked quietly. "What do you want?"
"You, Ricki," she said softly, quietly. "I just want you."
A/N: This is a short little fic I've been wanting to write for a while and got around to. The first chapter is sort of short. The second will be smut. :) You can read it here or by clicking through the read more. I hope you enjoy!