Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. Ann M Martin does. Not me. K?
Sometimes, when the weather is warm and the salty smell of the Pacific seems to travel all the way to her house – or on those balmy nights when the heat of the day lingers in the air but the breeze from the ocean sends a chill down her spine – Dawn Shafer positively pities anyone who isn't fortunate enough to live in California.
Other times, when the temperature dips and the rain falls, Dawn remembers Stoneybrook and the friends she had made there, and grudgingly admits (but only to herself) that it hadn't really been that bad after all.
x
Dawn doesn't want to go out. Correction; she doesn't want to go out with Sunny. Her one time BFF has changed. As she slips into a pair of worn jeans, she remembers sleepovers and gossip sessions and telephone conversations that lasted long into the night. She struggles to reconcile those images with the Sunny she knows now, tattooed and pierced, her blond hair covered with dark dye.
The We Love Kids Club seems like a relic from another eternity.
Sunny invited Dawn to the bonfire an hour ago and Dawn has spent the last sixty minutes trying to talk herself out of going. She knows that her inner monologue is useless, just like she knows that she will never fully detach herself from Sunny. They have been through too much. Sunny knows this. "For old times sake," she had cooed and Dawn had agreed.
When she arrives, the party is in full swing. She is not surprised to see a joint being passed around; if she registers any surprise, it is that there is nothing harder doing the rounds. Dawn knows Sunny's crowd.
Ducky had made Dawn promise to look after Sunny when he'd graduated. Dawn realises that she has failed miserably.
"Dawn!" Sunny lurches as she throws her arms around Dawns neck, almost knocking the two over. She giggles drunkenly. Dawn tries not to notice the bourbon stains on her favourite Juicy Couture T-shirt. "I'm so glad you came," Sunny continues in a low voice. "I've missed you so much."
Dawn knows where this is going. By the end of the night, Sunny will be crying, and probably puking, and Dawn will feel obligated to look after her. Because that's what friends do.
Right?
x
Early the next morning, Jack Shafer looks up as his daughter enters the kitchen. He takes in her stained T-shirt and bleary eyes. "Did you just get home?" he asks.
Dawn nods tiredly, silently imploring her father to chastise her for being out so late, to yell and scream that she is only fifteen and that no fifteen-year-old daughter of his will stay out until six o'clock in the morning. He doesn't, of course, instead nodding mildly and offering her a glass of juice.
Juice. At least it's organic, Dawn thinks as she chugs it thirstily. At least he remembers that much.
x
That afternoon, Dawn receives an email from Ducky. As usual, he asks about Sunny and as usual, Dawn gives a vague, 'haven't spoke to her lately but I hear she's doing fine' response. She no longer kids herself that she's not technically lying.
I should visit Sunny, Dawn thinks. The thought occurs so naturally that she almost forgets that a year has passed since she last entered the Winslow house. She will visit Sunny and tell her how much she loves her and that she can no longer be a silent witness to her behaviour.
She should have done it months ago.
She decides to ride her bike, as if trying to summon the spirit of the 'old days.' It is rusty and covered in cobwebs but she rides out most of the creaks by the time she gets to the end of her street. She rides and thinks, trying to pinpoint the moment everything changed. The change had been so gradual that Dawn had failed to realise its enormity, even when it had been pointed out to her.
The pot had come first and even though Dawn had been shocked to see Sunny with a joint in her hand, she hadn't judged. Dawn prides herself on being non-judgemental. Coke had come next. Dawn's face reddens as she recalls Maggie telling her that she had seen Sunny snorting lines at an LA club. She'd jumped to Sunny's defence, accusing Maggie of being a gossip and a bad friend. It had bitten her in the ass, of course. Sunny had admitted to using coke, her tone implying that it was no big deal and why was Dawn making such a case of it?
Nobody answers when she taps on the Winslow's door, but she can hear music coming from Sunny's room. Feeling a little like an intruder, Dawn opens the door and makes her way down the familiar corridor to her friend's room.
Although Sunny is sitting with her back to the door, Dawn can see that she is fiddling with something. Probably rolling a joint, Dawn thinks bitterly, naively. She clears her throat and Sunny spins around.
The needle falls from her hand as she meets Dawns eyes.
By the time it hits the ground, Dawn realises that she has lost everything. Despite everything, Sunny had been her last real friend. Now, she has lost even that.
She turns wordlessly. Sunny makes no attempts to stop her.
x
Dawn used to pity those who weren't lucky enough to live in California, but today she pities no one. Except maybe herself.
She finds herself thinking of Stoneybrook and her old friends. Like Sunny, they have all changed and drifted away from her. Even Mary Anne is different. There is tension between them every time she visits. Perhaps Mary Anne resents her for moving away so many times. Dawn doesn't blame her.
Stoneybrook had never been her home, and California no longer feels like home. So where do I belong? she wonders morosely.
Her cell phxone bleeps and she takes in the Stoneybrook exchange with some shock. "Hello?"
"Hey sweetie!" her mother chirps warmly.
Dawn feels the first of what will be many, many tears slide down her cheek. As if hearing her question, Sharon has called and given her an answer.
She had forgotten how much her mother's voice felt like home.
"Mommy?" Dawn whimpers. "I want to…" She trails off. She's moved back and forth so many times that she's not sure if she can put her mother through all that another time.
But Sharon doesn't need Dawn to vocalize. "I'll book a flight," she tells her.
x
Saying good-bye to her father and Carol is easy. She can almost feel her father's relief when she announces she is going back to Stoneybrook. Raising a teenage daughter had been too perplexing for Jack Shafer.
Leaving Jeff is a little harder. She reminds herself that he did it to her, but that doesn't make it any easier. She cries. Jeff teases her half-heartedly. She suspects he is waiting to be alone with his emotions.
The flight is only half-filled so boarding is quick and easy. Take off is similarly effortless. As the plane coasts through the air, Dawn relaxes in her chair and wonders what awaits her in Stoneybrook.