SM: I've decided that I should post something since I haven't posted anything for so long. Writing has been a slow process, and I've been as busy and lazy as ever. I wrote the first chapter for this story ages ago, so the style is a bit different than my current style. Also Inuyasha has quite a foul mouth. Nothing spectacularly original here, but for some reason I kind of like the path it takes. I expect this is be a very short fic, no more than four chapters max. The second chapter is almost complete, so depending on my house burning down or not, I hope that I will be posting more regularly in the future. No promises though. I thank everyone who sticks with me as I am a terrible, terrible fic-writer.
Summary: (AU) SessKag. Sesshoumaru leaves Kagome for a woman who carried his child. He returns after mistakes were made, only to find that perhaps his place in her heart had already been taken by someone else.
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On the Outside Looking In
Part One
Sesshoumaru neatly folded his clothes into the suitcase. It was dark outside, but he didn't bother turning on any lights. He didn't need any. Kagome always kept the house spotless, and everything in its place. He knew the room by heart.
Inuyasha burst in on him as Sesshoumaru was arranging his ties by his socks. "I do not believe this! You're really going to leave? Just like that! Abandon her?!" The young man shouted.
"You use those terms, not I." The older man replied calmly. He mostly ignored the ranting youth, more focused on making sure the level of his dress shirts was even with the level of his slacks in the suitcase. Kagome was well off. She had a stable job, a steady income. She didn't need any help from him. It wasn't like he was neglecting her or throwing her to the wolves in her time of need.
"Shit! You really are leaving! You son of a bitch!" Inuyasha ran an irate hand through his hair, disbelieving that he was really watching his older brother pack up his things from an apartment he had shared with his fiancée for the past year and a half.
"Really. How juvenile, Inuyasha. You should learn to keep a clean mouth in your head." Sesshoumaru chastised.
"'Juvenile'? I'm juvenile?! You're the one who's not mature enough to stay. You're the one who's walking out on her. And you're calling me 'juvenile'!?!!" Inuyasha pointed at him accusingly.
"Yes, Inuyasha. You are the juvenile. You do not seem to understand the situation I am in. I have no other choice."
"Fuck it, Sesshoumaru! You could make it work. The only problem is you!! You fucked yourself right over! And your solution is the crappiest one I've ever heard of! You're only making it worse!"
"Who I choose to marry, and who I choose to leave, are my decisions. Not yours." Satisfied with his packing, he clicked his suitcase shut.
"Ah, so your decision is to choose some eight-timing whore who spreads her legs for anything that looks fuckable??"
"Sara is not a whore." Sesshoumaru bit out, turning to finally face his younger brother.
"Of course she's not! She's only some bitch you picked up from the bar one night when you were totally smashed, and decided that adultery sounded fun. So you fucked her in your car, on your car, in the elevator on the way to your apartment-"
"That is enough." His jaw tightened.
"-inside your apartment, in God only knows how many places, until your Mr. Happy refused to perform since it probably got sick and tired of being plunged in some VD-ridden hole, and you had to tuck him back into your undies to hide your shame." Inuyasha continued, his rising voice over-riding that of his brother's.
Sesshoumaru glowered.
"Not that anything could be hidden after you knocked that bitch up, anyhow. It's a surprise that you didn't catch anything from her. I just hope that your baby isn't some disgusting spawn considering who its parents are, a whore and an inconsiderate asshole who likes to think with down south of his waist. You're a disgusting piece of shit. I just hope that you can live with it for the rest of your li-"
Inuyasha was cut off as his brother slugged him across the face. He snarled. "You have no idea what you're talking about! Do you think I wanted this to happen?! Do you think I want to leave?! What choice do I have!! I will not sire a bastard child! Marrying her is the only option! I must salvage my honor!"
Inuyasha smirked from where he sprawled on the floor, propped up by the edge of the bed. "Your precious honor, eh?" He grinned, wiping off the blood trickling down his chin. "I think you lost it somewhere after your horizontal hula with the whore, along with your pride, courage, and honesty. You're a nothing more than bastard with a big name."
"What would you have me do?!" Sesshoumaru snapped, waving a hand.
"Tell Kagome the Goddamned truth! It's not that fucking hard!" Inuyasha snapped back, pointing out the obvious.
Golden eyes narrowed. "Simple as always. It must be great being you, everything is in black and white. What if I told her? She would throw me out anyways, and I'd still be marrying Sara. It would make no difference. I'm only speeding up the process."
Inuyasha gaped. Was this thickheaded buffoon really his brother? Kagome wouldn't do that. She would probably take the baby and raise it as her own. She would be mad, who wouldn't be, but she would forgive Sesshoumaru for simply telling her, no matter how late it was.
Sesshoumaru should have known that!
Unless...he wanted to go.
Was he trading in Kagome?
Sara wasn't pretty. She wasn't smart. Hell, she didn't even have a warm body. He had seen her once, and that woman practically radiated icicles. Plus, she was insane for Sesshoumaru. That woman would murder the baby growing within her womb herself if Sesshoumaru demanded it! She was a crazy bitch. What could Sesshoumaru possibly see in her?
Sesshoumaru, seeing that Inuyasha had nothing more to say, picked up his case and turned to leave.
"What would you have me tell her?"
Sesshoumaru gave a negligent wave. "What does it matter? Tell her I've died for all I care." Then he left. He didn't look back. He didn't see Inuyasha's jaw clench. He didn't see hands that curled into tight fists at his brother's sides. He didn't see amber eyes narrow in silent promise.
"Fine, then I will." Inuyasha muttered darkly.
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Marriage was not pleasant, but Sesshoumaru had tried to make it work. He really had tried. But Inuyasha had been accurate in his brusque description of his wife. Sara was unbearable.
At first, things seemed to go well enough. They had married without much trouble, a private wedding where neither of their families had been involved. He had not wanted his family present, and she had no family to invite, so it worked out rather well.
Their baby had been born without mishap. A healthy baby girl, with dark hair like her mother, and the same eye color as her mother. Her face was round, and her skin was pale, but not as pale as Sesshoumaru's skin.
It somewhat perturbed Sesshoumaru that their child did not seem to have inherited any of his characteristics, but he did not mind too much. It was not like he could control what genes the baby had inherited.
They had moved to a new apartment on the other side of the city. Sara was eager to leave the slums she called home and move as far away as possible. Sesshoumaru would not go further than the other side of town until he had resolved some issues with his business. He decided to leave it in Inuyasha's care while he pursued interests elsewhere.
They had moved once more in less than a span of one year, this time, leaving the main island of Japan.
Sesshoumaru did not return for over thirteen years.
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Inuyasha's fingers drummed impatiently on his counter-top.
Late.
Always late.
Damned Miroku!
He should've been here seconds ago! Kagome would string him up by his feet and shave him bald while he dangled helpless if she found that he was late one more time! The firm knock at the door startled Inuyasha out of his lamenting.
"Finally!" He shouted throwing his hands in the air. He stomped over to the door and wrenched it open. "I don't know about you, Miroku, but San...go..." He trailed off gawking as he stared at the person standing in the entryway. "Sesshoumaru?!" He gaped a few more moments before slamming the door shut on his brother's face and stomping away.
Unfortunately for him, he forgot to lock the door. Sesshoumaru easily slid the unlocked door open and stepped through. "I see your manners have hardly improved since last we met. In fact, I believe they have degraded." He said tritely by way of greeting.
Inuyasha just scowled. "What do you want?"
At this, Sesshoumaru paused, losing the confidence he wore like a second skin. "I suppose that saying that I came over to say 'hello' would be unacceptable." He murmured, speaking more to himself than to his sibling. Seeing Inuyasha's frown deepen, he straightened. "I've come to make amends." He said clearly.
Apparently, this was not what Inuyasha had been expecting. "Um...did you want the company back?" He asked, confused and slightly suspicious. He was prepared to return the company, albeit with some strings. Inuyasha had made some changes he couldn't afford to be allowed undone.
"No." The reply was instantaneous, as if Sesshoumaru were appalled.
"Well, what do you want, then? I haven't got all day." His eyes flickered to the clock. "Tell you what, you uh...leave now, and decide what you want, then come back. Say...tomorrow at uh one? Noon? Lunch! Yeah, come back at lunch. Then we'll talk." He said hurriedly, all but attempting to push his elder brother out a window.
Startled by Inuyasha's not so subtle attempts to get rid of him, he slid for a few inches before he dug his heels into the ground. "Inuyasha." He hissed. "What are you doing?"
"Arg! Look!" He stopped to clench his hands into fists. "You have to leave! Some people are coming over, and they won't exactly be pleased by your presence." He said, amber eyes glittering. "Not that I am either." He added bitterly.
It was hard to forget that the man who walked out on his best friend for some other woman, was his older brother. He was still pissed, but at the moment, he was more worried about his friends finding out that said man was in his apartment than chewing off his brother's head. They would kill him first, before he could explain, and then chew off his brother's head.
Sesshoumaru's eyes took on a shadowed look. "I'll come back at noon then." He said, and disappeared out the window, which Inuyasha remembered a moment too late that he lived on the fifth floor.
He timidly poked his head out, hoping that he wouldn't see a pile of splattered brother spreading out on the pavement. Luckily, there was nothing there. He sighed before his face scrunched up.
God damn, Sesshoumaru!
Was there anything that man couldn't do? He scratched at his head irritated.
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True to form, Sesshoumaru arrived the next morning precisely at noon. Inuyasha had used the night before their meeting as time to reflect. He had come to a solution to all of their problems, especially with Sesshoumaru.
"I think you should leave." He told Sesshoumaru the moment that both were seated.
Sesshoumaru looked unsurprised. "That is not an option. I have come back. I have no intention of leaving."
"Where is she?" Inuyasha inquired, knowing that both would know exactly who he was talking about.
"There have been...difficulties between the two of us..."
"Where is she?" He repeated pointedly. Inuyasha would not listen to another word out of his brother until he answered his question.
"Locked up in a cell in the States." Sesshoumaru replied coldly.
Inuyasha stared. He wasn't sure he had heard the man correctly. Was he assuming that his brother, the steadfastly stubborn, pig-headed moron of a sibling, who gave up a wonderful relationship in order to pursue marriage with a madwoman obsessed with possessing Sesshoumaru through any means necessary, had left said woman in another country, and incarcerated no less!
"It is not what you think. I had no other choice. In a fit of insanity, she murdered her daughter out of spite or jealousy. I am not quite sure. I had yet to fully understand the depths of her madness before I could prevent it. She now resides in an asylum with no prospect of release. She is a permanent resident." Sesshoumaru said tonelessly.
More gawking. Inuyasha hadn't quite been expecting that. "Um..." He didn't know what to say. He wasn't put out in any way that Sara had been locked up, she had it coming. But...the loss of a daughter in the process. "I'm sorry for your loss..."
"She wasn't my daughter."
"Er..." 'Run that by me again,' was what he wanted to say.
"Sara...had been under the delusion that if she bore my child, I would wed her."
Some delusion. It happened. Inuyasha wisely kept his thoughts to himself.
Sesshoumaru continued as if he were unaware of his brother's contemptuous thoughts. "In this manner...she wanted to 'keep' me. However, she had also...had relations with many other men. When she became pregnant, she convinced herself that it was a love child borne between the two of us, despite many characteristics that came to light later on. I had a blood test run within a few months of the birthing. The child was not mine, but I decided that since I had already married her, I would keep up the pretense. It was a few weeks ago when she found me conversing rather intimately with another woman, who I might add was Yura."
Inuyasha stifled a snicker. They had both known Yura when they were younger, before she had moved to the States. She was a bit on the crazy side, but a party girl at heart. She was obsessed with hair, especially their hair. She was also a lesbian.
"Sara mistook the situation, believing I was cheating on her. She demanded that I return home immediately or else she would harm our daughter." Sesshoumaru's expression tightened.
"She made quite a scene. In my ire, I rashly pointed out that the child was not mine. She raced home in horror. I quickly followed. Unfortunately, by the time I had reached the apartment we shared, she had already killed her own daughter. She was only eleven…" The last part was so quietly murmured that Inuyasha had to strain to hear it.
"She kept muttering to herself that this would 'keep me with her'. I had her institutionalized immediately, dissolved any accounts I had there, liquidated my US assets, and returned to Japan as quickly as possible." Sesshoumaru listed off coolly.
If Sesshoumaru hadn't been the asshole that Inuyasha knew he was, Inuyasha would have been impressed by his level-headedness. It was certainly a trait that the younger brother had never inherited, and he somewhat envied his older brother for it.
Instead, his face twisted.
"Isn't that great. So, when Life Number Two craps out on you, the great Sesshoumaru decides to waltz back in on Life Number One! The one he WALKED out on! You left a lot of people here, Sesshoumaru! Many of them actually cared about you, and you just up and left them without a word. It was hard for them for many years. They didn't take it too well! What do you hope to accomplish by coming back?" He demanded, leaning back and crossing his arms.
Sesshoumaru paused in deliberation.
In truth, he had thought of this long ago, what he wanted. However, it was much harder to fulfill his desire than to dream it up. "How is...she?" He asked almost tentatively. He couldn't bring himself to say her name. It seemed wrong, especially after all this time.
Inuyasha's expression melted instantly. Ahh...so that was why he had returned. He had suspected, but now Sesshoumaru had confirmed it. He wanted her back. Rather, he was attempting to crawl back to her. If he could help it, Inuyasha had tried to not bring it up. No one had been more devastated by Sesshoumaru's leaving than she was. He had tried to help in what little way he could. It would be difficult to undo what he had done, and he wasn't willing to try, especially not for the two-faced bastard that stood before him.
"She's fine." He said tritely, unwilling to say any more.
"I see." Sesshoumaru paused. He knew the moment he had voiced the question, how the conversation would go. Still, he had taken a rather daunting lesson in humility, and he wouldn't back down now. He had learned his lesson well, and even if she would not speak with him, he still wanted to apologize and at least explain himself. "Would it be-"
"No." Inuyasha cut him off. "I think it's better if all is left alone. She's not expecting you back, not ever. Just finish your business here and leave. It's better this way."
His brother seemed taken aback. "Just...what did you tell her? What was your explanation for my leaving?" He asked, a weighty dread filling his belly.
Inuyasha gave a wry smile. "I took your suggestion, of course."
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It was snowing. Just his luck really. Standing outside in the cold, while it snowed.
It hadn't been too hard to track down Kagome, even with Inuyasha not so conspicuously trying to sabotage his efforts. She hadn't really moved far...or even at all, really. She had a bought a small house just a few blocks down from his old apartment. It was nearer to her previous home where she had lived as a child. He stared through the gate at the large window. The glass had been meticulously cleaned, with only the slight fogging of the glass to bar his view of the scene within.
Kagome was smiling as she stood next to a taller, dark haired man. A chubby infant gurgled happily in his high chair. The three were gathered around a table, settling into dinner. Warm smiles and cheerful faces spread around. Kagome passed the dishes. The man spooned food onto his plate and not so discretely plopped some food onto her plate as well. Kagome laughed as she fed the baby.
Sesshoumaru watched wordlessly before turning his back on the happy scene.
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Kagome stiffened, her eyes darting toward the large window, peering outside of the house. Her face paled slightly.
"Kagome?" Souta questioned. "Is something wrong?"
I thought I saw… She shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "No." She replied smiling. "I suppose it was only wishful thinking on my part." She bent down toward the baby. "Your son makes me wish I had a family, you know?" She brought up a spoon toward the child's mouth. The baby burbled,, smiling, and promptly spat up all over her hands.
Kagome wiped her hands on a towel as Rin walked back in from the kitchen.
Rin giggled. "He spit up again, didn't he."
Kagome grinned. "Yeah. Quite a handful you have there. Adorable though." She gave the infant an affectionate pat on the head.
Rin looked at her seriously. "You'd make a great mother, Kagome. You just need to settle down."
Kagome shook her head. "No, there was only one person for me." She said quietly. "Like there is for you and Souta." She gave a meaningful look to her little brother.
He nodded in understanding.
"Awww!" Rin threw her arms around her sister-in-law. "You'll find him! I know it!"
Souta stilled, eyes sliding toward Kagome.
She shook her head, she'd already come to terms with his passing. She would just continue to live on, and maybe, if she were lucky, she'd find someone to love again. But she didn't hold out much hope for that. All she could do was to live out as happily as she could right now. "Thanks Rin." She replied, returning the embrace.
Kagome sighed, looking at the clock. "Well, I have to go now. But it was great seeing you guys. We need to get together again some time."
Souta groaned audibly. What a liar his sister was. He knew what she was doing. She was going to go home to an empty house, and sit in her solitude, all the while believing that she had intruded on their happiness. Damn it!
Nooooooooooooooo, don't leave!
Instead, Souta forced a weak smile to his face. "Yeah, that sounds nice."
Her own smile was no less thin. "I'll see you later then." She said softly.
Souta walked her to the door as Rin fussed with the baby. "Kagome, really, we don't mind it if you stay longer. In fact, I would love it. Please stay?" He pleaded, turning his eyes wide and watery, his infamous puppy-dog look.
Kagome just shook her head. "I'm sorry Souta. I just…I kind of want to be alone right now."
Her brother sighed. "Alright. But as soon as you start feeling social again, give me a call." He said, eyeing her meaningfully.
"Of course." She replied easily.
Too easily.
It gave him a bad feeling, but he wouldn't push her. She had gone through a rough time. So he let her go, and watched with no small sense of foreboding as she walked a lonely path down the street in the snow.
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Kagome blew on her hands. She had removed her thick gloves and allowed her fingers to be numbed by the cold. It wasn't the wisest thing to do, but she had always enjoyed the feeling of freshly fallen snow being crushed between her fingers. Her cheeks were cold and tinged red, and her breath escaped her lips in white puffs.
She loved the winter. Everything was coated in the purest white. It reminded her of him.
She rounded a corner slowly, taking her time as she always did in walking home.
Then she saw him.
He stood so still at the other end of the street. She knew that he wasn't really there. He was as white at the snow, and standing as still as a marble statue. She mused that if she were to touch his cheek, he would be as cold as marble as well. His eyes were as she remembered, bright gems of topaz, burning with the intensity of silent emotions. He looked sadder somehow, but she did not know why.
She had not dreamt of him for a while, and she had thought that she had passed this stage a few years ago. She said nothing as she walked past him, keeping her head bowed, and her eyes trained on the ground. Watching the illusion any more would simply make it hurt. Perhaps Souta had been right. She needed to spend more time around people. Her reclusive nature was regressing her.
But as she passed, he turned, an arm reaching out for hers. Her body followed the motion and she started as she met his eyes.
He…moved.
Usually Sesshoumaru would remain in her mind, a still figure. Standing always out of arms reach, a never moving statue. Never once since she had started to dream of him had he ever reached out for her. This was something new, something different. She could feel his grip on her arm, strong and firm just as she remembered. White clouds billowed from his own lips as he breathed. His eyes flashed and dimmed in the pale light. Her dreams had never been so real.
She reached up tentatively, her eyes entrapped in his gaze. He seemed to be asking something of her, but she didn't understand. Her bare hand reached up to his cheek.
Was he real? Could she touch him?
Or would her hand simply pass through him, and his image would disappear to leave her alone in the snow. Her hand paused a hairs-width from contact. She could feel the heat of his face, the gentle breeze of his breath. But he couldn't be real. He couldn't be here. Her hand trembled.
"Kagome?" He asked, his voice soft and strong. The soothing tenor of her memories.
Her white face paled. But he couldn't be here! He couldn't be real! She inhaled sharply and fainted.
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SM: Er...not the best place to end it, but to keep from fantastically and horribly long chapters, this was the next best place to break it. I'm really really really hoping to finish this as soon as I can. ( . )