Author's Note: Bored, so I wrote a crack-fic about Deidara and his hair because I thought it was funny. Let's see if this leads to more crack chapters about the Akatsuki. I'm sure I'll get weirdly inspired to write more crazy things.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of these hilarious Akatsuki Members. And be on the lookout for some Mean Girls and Clueless Quotes turned a-la Akatsuki-esque. ;)

That Akatsuki Cray!

Chapter One: That's Why My Hair is So Big—It's Full of Secrets

Deidara cooed delightfully to himself as he set his fancy Conair brush down. He gave a single toss of his head. Damn, he was devilishly handsome. He couldn't help but wink at himself and allow one of the mouths on his hands to blow him a kiss. He heard the door creak open. An orange-masked Akatsuki member appeared. Deidara cringed. Every time he saw Tobi he wanted to stuff his head into a toilet and flush over and over. The perfect swirly for his stupid swirl mask. Deidara shot Tobi a look of annoyance. "You're intruding on my privacy, Tobi! I'm in a bathroom, you freak!"

"Sorry, Deidara. You didn't lock the door," Tobi whined as he shrunk down to the floor, arms waving in the air frantically.

"Whatever." Deidara crossed his arms angrily. How dare Tobi ruin his fabulous moment of self-admiring. It wasn't right. All the other Akatsuki members got to have the bathroom to themselves in peace. Why couldn't he? Deidara had half a mind to carry out the perfect swirly when another idea suddenly struck him like an explosion. "Oh. Em. Gee. I totally just finished brushing my hair 100 times and I'm gonna have to say that out of all the Akatsuki members, my hair is the best. Seriously, look at this wave of gold. It's so soft it makes me giggle. What do you think Tobi? Isn't my hair the BEST? Don't feel like you have to lie. You can tell me mine's the best."

Tobi was about to speak, but Deidara continued. "Okay, I'm gonna be real for a second. I really do have the best hair of the Akatsuki. I mean look at it. It has such buoyancy! Such flair! Such shine and silky-smoothness! And LOTS of volume!"

"I have always wondered why your hair is so big," Tobi commented, sticking a lone finger towards Deidara's head to try and poke it. "Is it the explosives?"

Deidara smacked the hand away and spat. "Don't touch it! My hair is not explosive you stupid freakazoid! Like I'd put explosives into my beautiful hair. It's big because it's full of secrets!"

"Secrets?" Tobi asked in a whisper, as if someone would be listening in on them that very moment. Tobi leaned forward, a little too close in Deidara's opinion. "What kind of secrets? Like Akatsuki secrets?"

"NO!" Deidara roared, shaking Tobi by the neck as if to strangle him. He pushed him down on the floor where he laid listless and afraid. "Like hair care secrets, you numskull!" Tobi didn't move. He was too afraid that Deidara would do something more if he even breathed. Instead, he let Deidara calm down. After another wink or two at himself, Deidara was feeling much better and less hostile. "You can compliment me now. I'm waaaaaaiiting."

Tobi seemed to have reanimated himself at the thought of Deidara paying an ounce of real attention to him, even if it was self-centered attention. That was good enough for Tobi. He'd praise Deidara and be a good boy. "Deidara, your hair is oh soooo pretty, like a pretty pony! Itachi has such nice hair too though! It's so straight and slick and neat and black and soft. I can't decide who has better hair. You or Itachi."

Deidara's jaw set crooked as he glared at Tobi in disbelief. "Itachi? You can't be serious. He is such a Monét!"

"What's a Monét, Deidara?" Tobi slithered to the counter top and plopped decidedly next to Deidara's hairbrush. Deidara snatched the brush away as if Tobi would infect it with his idiocy. He began to brush his hair again. Once, twice, three times. He looked back at the mirror and saw a fabulous blonde gazing back at him. Toss, toss. Deidara grinned at his image, but that grin quickly disappeared once he caught sight of Tobi's goofy reflection.

"Wow, Tobi. You really don't know anything. My man Sasori would have gotten the reference. A Monét, like the painting. It looks good from far away but up close it's just a big MESS. Just like Itachi and his hair. How dare you compare that grease monkey to me! He doesn't have sassy blonde locks like me! I mean look at me. I could be a model." Deidara nearly spat out his words he was so upset with Tobi's insult.

"Deidara, don't you think that's being a little vain?" Tobi giggled at this.

"Vain? Oh, please. You know who's vain is Konan. She thinks she's all that because her hair is naturally purple." Deidara rolled his eyes and gave an overly emphasized flip of his hair, pretending to be Konan. "I'm Konan. My hair is purple and I think I'm super sassy! But really I'm just a big wig-wearing beezy!"

"I like Konan's purple hair! It's such a unique natural color and the way she styles it with her origami flower. I think it's very fetch of her!" Tobi exclaimed, waving his arms up and down and swinging his legs. He almost knocked down Deidara's expensive hair products, which earned him another disapproving glare. "I think her hair's the best!"

"Tobi, stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. It is nevergoing to happen. And Konan? Are you serious? She is so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Konan. We were best friends when I first joined the Akatsuki. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever." Deidara made a sour face before continuing. "So then my first year in, I got paired up with my man Sasori as a partner, who was totally deluded about art and thought it was eternal or some strange shiz like that, but then he died-ironic right?- and Konan was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with my man Sasori, she'd be like, 'Why didn't you call me back?' And I'd be like, 'Why are you so obsessed with me?' So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girly men members Akatsuki pool party, I was like, 'Konan, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian.' I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my girlish men party. There were gonna be girly Akatsuki men there in their black with red clouds bathing suits. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then, my man Sasori called her partner Pain and started yelling at him, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of the Akatsuki because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack." Deidara gave a nonchalant shrug.

"Are we still talking about hair, Deidara?" Tobi asked.

Deidara's vein bulged through his forehead. He felt a large migraine coming on and clutched at his head. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. A single hair was out of place. He'd gotten so ruffled and aggravated that a strand of hair had become unruly sometime during his tirade and was now sticking up like some Pee-Wee Herman shiz. Deidara took a deep breath and then calmly pushed the piece of hair back into the mass of golden waves. He smiled at the simple fix, admiring how subservient his hair was.

"Deidara, you sound kind of jealous of Konan if you ask me."

He could feel his eye twitching, his blood boiling and his body tensing rigidly. A hand pulled some clay out of his Akatsuki-esque a-la red cloud fanny pack and place into the other hand's mouth. "Tobi," Deidara breathed as his hands munched down on the clay, fervently and angrily.

"Yes, Deidara?" Tobi tilted his head at Deidara affectionately, hoping he'd get some warm embrace or kind words.

"Run fast."

Tobi gazed down to Deidara's hand's mouth, it spat out a solitary clay spider. He gulped. He didn't need another warning. Tobi threw open the bathroom door and began to run as fast as his legs would carry him. Deidara was hot on his trail. Tobi was frantic, unsure of what to do other than to compliment Deidara's hair in hopes that it would calm him. "Deidara, your hair is so lustrous and healthy! I can see the vitamins in it as I run!"

"That's not going to help you now, Tobi," screeched Deidara as he closed in on Tobi.

"It's so long like Princess Rapunzel!" Tears flew out from the hole in Tobi's mask, some of them smacking Deidara in the face and making his guy-liner run ever so slightly.

"Well, this long hair is going to send you to Hell!"

Author's Note: That's the end of the chapter. Let me know what you thought. If you found it humorous, crack-fic like, whatever. And if you have any ideas or things that you'd like to see between Akatsuki members, let me know and I'll get "cray" and write something silly.