Adventures in Normalcy

Set right after the end of the first film. Mindy is in school and trying to adjust to being a normal kid.

Dave was woken out of a sound sleep by his phone chirping Mindy's ringtone at him. He'd been up late the night before messing around with Katie and his mind and his eyes didn't want to focus. The ringing stopped and he smiled at the thought of worrying about the call later and just going back to sleep. Then the ringing started again. It must be important. Or, at least, something that Mindy thought was important. They weren't always the same thing. Last week she'd called him at 4 AM because her butterfly knife's hinge was coming apart. He grabbed at the phone and pulled it under the covers and somewhere near his ear.

"What?" He answered, not sounding all that happy to be woken up.

"Dave? Oh my god! Dave? It's you, right?" Mindy's voice was frantic.

"Yeah, of course it's me. What do you want?" Dave drawled into the phone.

"Dave? I don't know what to do. Oh my god! I feel so violated." Mindy wasn't calming down anytime soon.

A bit of concern began to creep into his brain. What the hell could make Hit Girl feel violated? "What's going on?" He managed to croak out, as he worked to pull himself upright and find his glasses.

Mindy kept talking while I started looking for clothes to put on. "OK. Look, Anthony and I went for a walk, and everything was fine. You remember Anthony, right? From next door?"

I didn't exactly, but I remembered her kind of proto-flirting with a boy who lived near her when I visited her and Marcus last weekend so I figured he must be Anthony. I also figured now was not the time to admit I hadn't cared enough about her life to remember the guy's name. I made an affirmative sounding noise on the phone and she continued.

Well, anyway… Anthony… He was so cute. Like I said, we went on this walk before lunch and he was so adorable. Kept touching my hair and giving me little kisses. I just felt so close to him and I felt so special inside. And then he got this kind of wanting look on his face. And, I knew what that meant. So, we went back to his house and I made him something to eat. But he still hadn't calmed down so we lay down on the bed and began to play around. He crawled on top of me and even tried to stick his hand up my shirt. It was so much fun. Everything was still just wonderful. But then he started moving around kind of weird like, rubbing against me, and suddenly this yellow stuff squirted all over me. I mean, GROSS! And, seriously, is it supposed to be yellow?!" Her panic was starting to set me off.

My heart sank. Some asshole had almost raped her! I figured that I had to stay calm or she'd lose it. "Umm, no Mindy. It's usually white."

That strangely stopped her for a second. "It's supposed to be white? Are you sure?"

I looked over at my trusty Kleenex box. "Yep, I'm sure. Definitely white."

Mindy dropped right back into panic mode. "Oh my god! Maybe he's sick! Now what do I do?" A kind of whimpering started in the background. It kind of sounded like I had the last time Mindy had 'accidentally' kicked me in the balls while we were practicing. The sound had turned to this strange wailing at this point. Dear lord, what had she done to the guy?

"Look Mindy, you're going to be OK. Just don't kill him or anything, OK? I mean, I know he deserves it, but you just can't do it." The sound had turned to this strange wailing at this point. Dear lord, what had she done to the guy?

It was almost as if you could hear my words slap her in the face. "Kill him? Deserve it? What kind of a monster do you think I am? Of course I'm not going to kill him! Jesus Christ, Dave! It isn't even his fault! It's my fault! I shouldn't have been playing around on the bed with him like that."

"Mindy," I said, with a fear that I'd have to keep repeating this to her for months until she accepted it. "Sometimes it's hard for girls to accept this, but sexual assault is not your fault. I don't care how you think you might have lead him on, no means no. You did say no, didn't you?"

"What do you mean say no?" There was a deadly pause and my heart sank at the idea that she'd actually wanted that fucking slimeball to treat her like this. Then she came back. "What the fuck do you mean sexual assault!? He can't assault me! He's a baby! Oh fuck! I swore in front of him. I promised Marcus I wouldn't do that! Shit, I did it twice! Three times! Aaaahhhh!"

"I don't think swearing is all that important at the moment. Look, just because you like him and he's your 'baby'…" That's as far as I got before she interrupted me.

She shot back. "My baby? Are you insane? He's Angela's baby, you idiot!"

I really didn't remember her having a friend named Angela, at least not in this universe. But now was not the time for that discussion either. "Look, I don't care who he's going out with, he had no right to…" Again I was interrupted, but this time by laughter.

"Going out with? Dave? I said he's a baby! B. A. B. Y. Baby! I'm babysitting. For our neighbor, Angela Donner in the blue house next door? Look, Marcus made me do it. So I'd fit in or something. Anyway, I'm watching him this afternoon while she goes shopping. I was playing with little Anthony and his diaper had a blowout and it got all over me. I'm sorry. I panicked for a few minutes and called you. That's all that's going on. Who did you think I was talking about?"

"That guy you were talking to on Saturday." I said, carefully.

"Brandon? You thought I'd let Brandon crawl all over me? You pervert!" She laughed some more, then continued. "Hold on…. If it wasn't baby poop that you were saying was supposed to be white, what were you talking about? What's supposed to be white?" She was laughing so hard she could barely talk.

My elation at finding out that she hadn't been molested was basically spoiled by trying to find an answer to her question. I smacked the box of Kleenex right out the open window in irritation. "Umm, nothing's supposed to be white." I replied lamely. "Hey, I'm still confused. You said he tried to put his hand up your shirt?"

"Well, yeah. He's still breastfeeding. His mom said he tries to get inside of any woman's shirt, the little cutie." She was still laughing at me.

"Why would he do that? You don't have any…" I stopped right there, aware of how far I'd just stepped into the danger zone.

The silence went on for about two minutes before Mindy spoke again. The laughter was gone. "I'm still waiting for you to finish that sentence, Dave. What exactly don't I have? Choose your words carefully; then may be among the last you ever utter."

"Milk." I said, hoping this would appease her. "You don't have any milk."

I guess it worked because she laughed again. "OK, I'll have to give you that one. Good save." She said. "I'll forgive you if you go by Marcus's place and bring me another shirt."

"No problem." I replied, weakly. "I'll be there in 15 minutes."

"Thank. I really appreciate it. I'll start getting him cleaned up. And,umm, Dave?" She suddenly sounded a little nervous.

"Yes?" I replied, filled with fear again.

She whispered into the phone, probably so the baby wouldn't hear. "Seriously… What the fuck is supposed to be white?"

I hung up the phone.