We have been sitting in his Lexus in silence for seven minutes. He didn't exactly say he was upset, but ever since he came to Greendale, Jeff has gotten terrible at veiling his emotions. I'm upset because he's being irrational, again. Abed kissed me almost a whole year ago, and when Jeff found out tonight, he got upset. Which is ridiculously jealous for someone who supposedly doesn't have feelings for me.
Abed was casting his latest short film, and he wanted me to play opposite him. Troy snickered and said that meant I had to kiss Abed, to which Abed replied that it would be fine because it wasn't the first time we've kissed. My face took on shade of dark red as the rest of the group turned to me with wide eyes and slacked jaws, demanding an explanation. Jeff, however, had his eyes narrowed and his lips pressed into a thin line. I hadn't seen him look like this since he was defending my honor to my multicultural evil twin.
"It was during paintball," I clarified. "Abed was still acting as Han Solo, and the library was getting dowsed with orange paint, and it just…happened. It's not that big of a deal."
I glanced at Abed who gave me a smile and a reassuring nod.
"Annie's right. Cinematically, the scene called for a kiss, and we just happened to be there. It pulled all the loose ends together for the end of the season."
By some miracle, Britta pieced together that this conversation was making me, if not anyone else at the table, uncomfortable, so she thankfully changed the subject. When everyone started packing their things to go home, I realized that Jeff and I were planning on staying late to finish our collaborative essay for our Popular Literature class. He obviously remembered, as he was still planted in his seat, eyes burning a hole into his notebook, and lips just as pursed as before. Of course he acted childish while we wrote our essay. Giving as little input as possible, Jeff simply sat in his chair while I wracked my brain to think of a witty enough title. We left the study room half an hour later.
My head is pressed against the cool glass of his car window as I try to think of something to say to break the tension. Really, he has no right to be angry. I gave him an ultimatum last year in the men's room, but somehow we are still playing this game. I can ignore this, letting things will go back to normal tomorrow, or I can confront him. Either way, he's still going to get jealous anytime I even think of getting close to another boy.
"You're being unreasonable," I mutter. He doesn't respond. Why would he? Responding would mean either owning up to what he feels or blatantly denying me once again. "I'm going to be in another relationship, eventually. You can't keep postponing something that's inevitable."
"Just because-" he stops and tries another tactic. "I know that, inevitably, you're not going to be single anymore, but I didn't know you'd already moved on. I guess I misinterpreted things."
Genuinely confused, I turn my head to look at him. "Move on from you? Do you think I have feelings for Abed?"
Silence.
I let out an exasperated sigh. "The only reason why we kissed was because he was acting like Han Solo. Abed is a great friend, but we only find each other, romantically, when we're pretending to be other people. Do you honestly not see the connection as to why I thought he was alluring as that character?"
Silence.
"You don't get it! He was acting like you! Since you had just basically denied any romantic feelings for me in front of all of our friends a few weeks before, that kiss was as close as I was going to get to kissing you again."
My face is suddenly very warm. I'm being extremely honest right now. I don't even want to look at him. All I want is to blend in with the leather seats of his car and pretend that I didn't blurt out my infatuation with Jeff Winger to Jeff Winger.
"You still have feelings for me?" I turn toward him and he's staring at me, softly. His eyes seem to have an emotion that I can't place hidden behind them. Relief? Hope? I barely notice that we're parked outside his building, and I wonder how long we've been here and if he forgot he had to drop me off first.
"I thought that was obvious with the glee routine," I drop my head in shame, but he chuckles.
"Well, I thought it was obvious the way I felt about you. I was wrong to expect you to blindly wait for me to be ready to acknowledge whatever we have between us, especially after I vehemently denied it last year." He paused. "You know, I never really looked back on that day, but that was a really dickish thing of me to do."
"Yeah, it was," I snap at him. The wounds are still a little fresh.
"Ouch. I deserve that. I really am sorry for that. I guess whenever I think of us last year, I think of our conversation right before you asked Dr. Douchey Howser-" I swat his arm "-ouch, before you asked Rich out. I was kind of disappointed that you didn't read between the lines of that conversation, but being as afraid of commitment as I am, I took it as a sign and didn't push the issue."
"Read between the lines? What are you talking about? I asked you if you wanted me and you told me that you couldn't give me an answer because relationships are complicated."
"But Annie, I never said I didn't want you. As pathetic as it was, that was my roundabout way of saying 'yeah, Annie, I'm very much attracted to you, but you're young and I'm afraid that I might end up not treating you the way you should be treated, so I'm trying to work out my issues so maybe one day we can happen, and that's why I hate seeing you flirting with Rich.'"
This is a lot of information to take in. First of all, Jeff just affirmed that all the things I had been 'reading into' had been real. Secondly, he just told me that he confessed his feelings to me the first time that I asked. This is all wonderful, but it still doesn't change the fact that he shot down the whole concept of the 'Annie of it all' in front of our friends.
"Why did you say I was reading into things?" I almost whisper. He hears me, though.
"What?"
I clear my throat and start again. This is important. If he can't answer this, then nothing has really changed, and he's never going to be able to give me concrete answers when I need them. "Why, when I found out that you were sleeping with Britta, did you act like you had no idea what I was talking about when I asked what had been going on with us? Was I supposed to have reminded you of when we kissed at the Tranny Dance, when you couldn't control your jealousy over Rich, or every single time that I've caught you staring at me?"
"Like I said, I'm not proud that I did that. I'm sorry, Annie, but I felt blindsided. Do you really think that if I admitted to it, the group would respond in a way that would have worked in your favor? I panicked, because it was one of the rare moments where I didn't know what to say, so I just denied everything. I thought we already established that I'm cowardly."
Sighing, I almost feel pity for Jeff. "You're not cowardly. Bringing that issue to light in such a public manner wasn't the smartest thing to do, on my part. After what happened at the Tranny Dance, I should have remembered that you don't do well with public declarations of love."
He laughs, bitterly, "We were both at fault, but was mostly me. I need you to understand that I was caught off-guard. Honestly, I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I obviously didn't think to well on my feet, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I know this conversation is far from over, so do you want to continue it up in my apartment? Oh, shit. Annie, I swear I'm not trying to…shit. I officially feel even creepier, now."
He lets his head fall back against his headrest. I let a giggle escape. I can't help if I think flustered Jeff is cute. I ignore the voice that reminds me that I think most versions of Jeff are cute. I unbuckle my seatbelt and he looks over at me, surprised.
"I get it, Jeff. You brought me here because you knew that if we were going to talk about why you were upset, it would open up a whole can of worms. You didn't want to get into that with Troy and Abed sitting ten feet away behind only a curtain of blankets."
We enter his apartment, and I realize it's the first time I've been inside. Surveying the décor, it's obvious that a bachelor with decent decorating taste lives here. I follow him, and we sit on opposite ends of the couch, turned inward, so we're facing each other.
"I know that every time when it seems we're moving forward, I deny it and we're back at the beginning. I'm not trying to do that, but you have to understand that I'm scared. With you, I know what you want, and it's so different from what I've wanted with anyone else before. Even with Michelle, I dug my heels in, and froze at anything that seemed to 'relationship-y'. But I've laid too many cards on the table to turn back now. To answer your question from the men's room, I do want you, very much. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone else, and I want everything that goes with it. I want the relationship. I want the future. I'm just scared that something will go horribly wrong and either I'll hurt you or you'll hurt me. I don't know how I would deal with that. With you I have the most to lose."
I reach over and take his hand, "But that means you also have the most to gain. I've wanted to be with you for almost three years. If you let this happen, I'm not going anywhere unless if that's what you want. I'm staying."
He smiles awkwardly. I haven't seen him look this nervous since we were studying for the debate against City College, freshman year. "I guess it's official, then. We're finally together."
"Finally," I agreed.
We collapse onto the mattress of our bed, and I can't tear my gaze away from Annie's eyes. They're always insanely beautiful, but there's an indescribable quality that they take on…after. It's our first night in our new house. Not an apartment, not an apartment, but our first house together. We've been married for two years, and Annie insists that we start our family in a house with a yard and a picket fence. I never thought I would ever want a picket fence, but living in this house with Annie feels right. It's like everything has fallen into place. I stroke her cheek with my thumb and she lets out a happy hum.
"I love you," I begin. "I'm so glad I married you."
It's true. I'm the happiest I've ever been with Annie. I don't feel like I'm pretending to be a decent human being. Being with her actually makes me better. I don't know why that is, but it's almost effortless. She makes me want to be more selfless, and I'm finally not terrified that I'm going to turn into my father. I know I'm a good husband and I think I would be a good father. A while ago, when we were still at Greendale Community College, I was asked to write a toast for Shirley and Andre. I was stuck, so Annie told me to look into my heart. I realized she took up most of the space. Annie is a part of me, and letting go of my insecurities to give her what she deserves was the best decision I ever made.