Pain. That's a word that was in the constant forefront of my mind, whether emotional or physical. My methods to escape seemed futile these days. Dealing with Paige and I breaking up, her breaking my trust, Alison returning from the dead, Maya's death, A's tormenting, secrets escaping my lips faster than water travels in a river, losing the ability to swim for enjoyment. Everything became too much and I turned to things I probably shouldn't have. The thought of it makes me weak at the knees for my dependency as well as sick to my stomach for becoming another statistic. It's a secret I've managed to hide from A for a little while, but who knows how long that'll last. Sometimes I would wonder when I lost my ability to care what others thought, and I guess it was around the time when I lost my ability to swim how I used to. It was my passion, still is and the thought that A took it away from me makes me angry beyond belief. I sometimes dreamt of my hands around A's neck and squeezing the life from their eyes. I guess my sadistic nature came out only in my dreams after a night of weeping because I wasn't able to release my emotions in the pool I like I once could. My thoughts always turn dark after I walk past the swimming pool gazing longingly, or when I have pains in my shoulder, or when I see the swim team walking around smiling, or in general at night when I can't rest, like now. The physical pain in my shoulder is beyond unbearable especially with the new storm rolling into town. My thoughts are interrupted by a text. It's 12 am, who'd be texting me this late. And my heart jumps when I see whom it belongs to. Alison.
Alison: Are you awake?
Me: Yeah, why are you?
Alison: Can't sleep. My dad's away on business and Jason is out.
Me: Oh?
Alison: Can I come over?
I already knew my answer once she told me she was home alone.
Me: Yeah, want me to pick you up?
Alison: I could walk
I scoff at the idea of Alison walking alone in the dark especially by the most recent attack from A.
Me: Not going to happen, I'll be there in fifteen.
I text and jump out of bed and throw on sweats. I thank God that my mother is visiting my father in Texas because I don't know how I'd explain me driving so late especially with all these thoughts running in my head. As I head out towards my car, a biting breeze hits me in the face and I feel the familiar ache in my shoulder. I squeeze and massage it as I turn on my car hoping that the pressure will be relieved, but the pain is not going away. The drive is relatively simple since I know it like the back of my hand. I get out the car and notice a light in Alison's room. I open the door with my spare key and make my way up the stairs to enter her room.
"Hey you ready to go," I say and I see her jump in shock that I'm here. I guess I should've texted.
"Yeah, thanks Em," she says sincerely while gathering an overnight bag.
"Anytime," I say without a filter and I want to slap myself in the face expecting her to chuckle but instead she throws me the most beautiful smile that I've seen since she's been back in town. We head outside and the breeze hits me again and so does a shooting pain in my shoulder. I clutch it hoping Alison doesn't notice, and thankfully she doesn't while she's locking the door. I get into the drivers seat and wait for her to enter the car. The pain has yet to subside, so I begin to count back from ten and massage it. I'm too wrapped up in what I'm doing that I didn't notice she'd already entered the car looking at me nervously.
"What's wrong Em?" she asks with concern etched in voice and face.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I say with a grimace. I sigh once the pain stops and I begin to start the car, but a hand stops me.
"Talk to me," she says in a voice that years ago would've had me spilling my guts, but now with my sluggishness and irritability level spiking, I refuse to answer. I move her hand out the way and start the car. The ride back to my house is quiet; well that's an understatement. Halfway through the car ride, I see a hurt look on her face and I knew I regretted what I did. Once we pull up to the house I turn off the car. She goes to exit, but I stop her by clutching her arm.
"I didn't mean to be rude, I'm sorry," I say hoping she would accept my apology, but not push. Instead of talking, she smiles and I can still see a pained expression behind her eyes. She goes to exit again and this time I let her. I hit my head against the chair. "Stupid, stupid" I repeated to myself for being callous towards her. I get out the car and see she's shivering so I quickly go to the door ignoring the chill in my shoulder. Once I let her in she waits around to follow me. Alison from three years ago would've just done as she'd pleased in anyone's home, including mine, but this one respected boundaries. "Ali, don't be mad at me, I'm sorry for being a jerk," I plead because I can't take this quiet and calm Alison who gets hurt by certain gestures and wears her heart on a sleeve towards me. Its nerve wracking the amount of power she's giving me this time around.
"I'm not mad Em, I'm just a little hurt and surprised. You've never acted like that towards me," she says and looks toward her shoes. This sight makes me reach out and bring her in my embrace. I hold her for what seems like hours and I feel intoxicated by her scent. She's always smelled like oranges.
"I know, I'm just going through a lot, I'm sorry for taking it out on you," I say and grab her hand and lead her towards my room. She sits on my bed and watches as I change into my pajamas. I would've felt nervous if it weren't for my thoughts distracting me. I feel holes burning into me as I slip my shirt off to reveal a sports bra and my toned abs. I turn to look at the only occupant in the room to see she's staring. Once we make eye contact she turns away and her cheeks turn a dark shade of red. That's a sight I've never seen before.
"See something you like?" I tease trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah I do," she replies and I'm not all too shocked by her boldness. I see her yawn and I know she's sleepy.
"You're tired," I observe and she nods. I take the lead by tucking her under the covers and move to my dresser to get a bottle then exit my room.
"Where are you going Em?" She asks and I hear a hint of fear.
"To the bathroom, I'll be back I promise," I say trying to get her to calm down. I walk out of the room and enter the bathroom. I take in my appearance and I can see dark circles under my eyes. I sigh in disgust that I've let things get so out of control. I turn on the water and unscrew the medicine bottle. I take out two pills and pop them in my mouth and wash it down with water. After I'm done, I look back in the mirror. Is this really what you've become? A drug addict? I sigh knowing the truth and go back towards the room. I stash the bottle in a different place because I didn't want Alison finding it. Soon enough I was under the blankets with Alison staring at the ceiling. I feel movement but I refuse to look in her direction. Soon I feel her grabbing my shirt and wrapping the other arm around my waist. I have mixed feelings about the position I'm in. Part of me wants to push her away because I'm far too damaged and I don't want to corrupt her second chance, but the other part of me wants to stay this way and protect her and have her tell me that everything's going to be okay and that it'll get better. I opt to let the drugs take effect and soon I drift into a peaceful slumber. Next morning I'm waking up and I feel a burning in my shoulder, this is by far the worst morning. I let out a whimper, but then I feel pressure around my waist and someone on that particular shoulder, its Alison. I sigh and try to move away without waking her. I'm in desperate need of a few pills. Thankfully she just shifts and I walk towards my stash peeling off to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see tears streaming down my face at the pain. I take three pills quickly and try to slip back into the room. I see the clock says 7:30, which means we have an hour to get ready, but the familiar blue eyes stop me. Man she looks beautiful when waking up.
"Where'd you go? I thought I was going to wake up next to you," she says with a hint of disappointment. The question throws me off my game and I try my best to lie.
"I uh, had to go to the bathroom," I say not so smoothly and put a death grip on the pill bottle. I'm praying that she doesn't notice but with no such luck she does.
"What's that in your hand Em?" she asks throwing the blanket off walking towards me.
"Uh it's nothing Ali, you want breakfast?" I ask trying to evade questioning and try to put the bottle back in its place.
"Are those pills?" she asks I guess hearing the familiar rustle of pills in a bottle. I sigh knowing I'm caught so I try to come up with a lie.
"Yeah," I reply hoping to buy time.
"Why do you have a pill bottle?" she asks with a deep stare that would make the most trained criminal want to confess.
"I was prescribed medication for my shoulder," I say hoping she doesn't ask any more questions and thankfully she drops it. "Why don't you go take a shower"? She gets the hint and walks toward the shower. Once I hear the door close I quickly put the pills in another location so she doesn't see that the pills aren't exactly prescribed to me.