A~N: I just came over from reading one of the best fics in another fandom(Artemis Fowl), and the author, Evilism, invited, nay, urged, others to make their own cliché compendiums. I couldn't resist, so here we are. I own nothing. If your story or username is in this and you are offended, I am sincerely sorry. I just like to type in random usernames that I don't think exist, but if they exist, I truly apologize. But I'm not removing it. I think it's as funny as—
Asylum for the Unoriginal AKA Wintergreen Naruto Style
True Love (retch)
Summary: Hinata confesses to Naruto. With a twist.
Naruto is in training ground 193587 by himself. His shirt is off and sweat is pouring down his nonexistent well-defined muscles. He is in the middle of throwing a shuriken at a random bull's-eye affixed to a tree branch, when, suddenly, he sees Hinata hiding behind a tree.
"What are you doing there, Hinata?" Naruto is completely oblivious to the hints of stalkery associated with hiding behind trees.
The story skips multiple paragraphs and Hinata is straining to say something. The author says 'straining' since she(Hinata) had swallowed five very big riceballs before the start of the story, and these are all stuck down her throat. "N-n-naruto-kun, I-I. . ."
But Naruto is eyeing somewhere near her person. He licks his lips hungrily, and Hinata turns even redder at the action. Miraculously, she does not faint. "N-Naruto-kun, I love y-you!" she exclaims.
Naruto looks at the same spot , and replies, "I love you too!"
Hinata cries tears of joy until she remembers that she is holding a bowl of delicious, steaming ramen for no reason, and Naruto is staring at it passionately. She dies inside. BUT! There is more.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Hinata. I thought you were the ramen speaking. Please do not tell anybody this, as Sasuke may become jealous."
"Y-you're—you're—g-g-ga—"
Suddenly, Sasuke Uchiha comes along on his sparkling white unicorn, sweeps Naruto up into a bridal position, puts him on the unicorn, and they gallop off into the sunset, making out all the way. They live happily ever after.
Meanwhile, Hinata becomes an emo(goffik) dedicated to eyeliner and crying over pictures of Naruto. The end.
Reviews: 4
Walnut: What the hell.
NARUHINAFOREVER: WTF OMG U SHOULD DIE BCUZ HINATA IS SO AWSUM AND I HATE YAOI
HinaRocka: You should write Hinata better. Also I am confused as to why she is holding a bowl of ramen. (Ignores the obvious explanation)
Noob: I saw the My Immortal(gasp) reference. O U.
Abused
Summary: Naruto is abused by the villagers and somebody rescues him. With a twist.
Naruto Uzumaki is walking in a completely secluded part of the village. It is a place behind the Hokage monument completely overgrown with trees, ferns, and other flora not yet discovered. He is whistling merrily with his hands in his pockets, enjoying the view of a particularly angry man-eating plant reminiscent of Seymour, when he feels a vibration in the earth.
At first, being the illogical idiot he is used to being called, he thinks it is an earthquake, but all too soon, he recognizes the faint, incomprehensible shouts of villagers. It is an angry mob.
Having no time at all to think about an escape route, Naruto starts running straight in front of him. He waits for the villagers to be eaten by the carnivorous and hungry plants, but the rumble of furious footsteps does not recede. The distant cries of "Demon brat!" are now faintly audible.
The not-right-in-the-head civilians with their sharp machetes start flailing their weapons every which way, occasionally killing one of their own, but more often cutting man-eating pitchers off their vine-like structures. The poor plants scream blue murder and for Naruto to avenge them.
Naruto runs down the side of a cliff that simply appears from nowhere. His 'followers' rebuke him and also run down the side of the cliff, thus forcing him to run up the Hokage Monument. The aforementioned 'followers' also run up the huge Mount Rushmore parody, and Naruto begins to wonder if they had been trained in the shinobi arts.
On the top of the Hokage monument, Naruto runs into a huge tree. This gives the villagers time to catch up to him and start stomping on him, breaking at least 1,948,325 bones in the process, splitting his lip in 2,754 places, disfiguring his nose, and accidentally cutting off three of his fingers by accident. These painful injuries, accompanied by the bruises he got from running into the tree, are enough to make the reader retch and/or reach for a tissue and wipe their tears off their eyes. If not, the reader is laughing their butt off and/or has no heart.
Suddenly, there is a shining light and the villagers back away in fear. The figure in the light kicks butt, Chuck Norris style, and is revealed to be Sasuke, who had previously arrived on his sparkling white unicorn, and he sweeps Naruto up into a bridal position, puts him on the unicorn, and they gallop off into the sunset, making out all the way, even though Naruto looks like nothing but a bunch of broken bones, torn skin and spattered blood. They live happily ever after. Note that majority of this paragraph was copied and pasted. The end.
P.S. Naruto was probably never abused like this. He was chased by mobs, true, but he wasn't beaten to death. Unless the Sandaime was extremely incompetent. Thank you for this bit of information, alethiophile, although neither of us know each other.
Reviews: 2
Lolzorx: Yay SasuNaru lol!
Kalianna9842: I luv it plz update and this is so sad
Bulimia
Summary: Sasuke is an anorexic emo. Sadly, no twist. AU.
Sasuke Uchiha, ever the dejected—bah, I can repeat the same thing lots of times, can't I?—emo, is in a convenience store. He buys a million swirly lollipops and a billion Twinkies. The Twinkies are oddly rainbow-colored. Sasuke bought them for their color.
Actually, the Twinkies are normally-colored, and the only thing that makes them rainbow-colored, at least to Sasuke's eyes, are the massive amounts of crack he inhales every morning behind Itachi's back. Sasuke angsts about the fact that Shino the Drug Dealer doesn't think he is beautiful(Sasuke thought Shino was gay. Shino is not gay.) as Naruto, the guy at the check-out counter, lifts the carton of skim milk. The action brings tears to Sasuke's eyes. He pleads to God, 'Why wasn't I born as skim milk? It's so beautiful, it needs no love, it's healthier than 2%—'
Naruto is immediately not weirded out. First this guy in tight black jeans and a Metallica t-shirt wearing eyeliner of all things comes in, then he picks up a carton of skim milk, a million swirly lollipops and a billion Twinkies, then he just starts crying when he looks at the aforementioned carton of skim milk. In a normal universe, Naruto would have been freaked out and tried to escape, but since this is fanfiction, he does not try to run away, as terrifying as the image in front of him is. Instead he interrupts the Uchiha's thoughts, asking him if he is okay. "Are you okay? You seem. . . sad."
Sasuke looks up and is immediately hit with love for the boy. 'Oh, he's so perfect, the way his hair shines in the light of the cheap fluorescent lamps, the way his eyes glitter with the power of a quadrillion suns! How magnificently tanned he is, and oh! Those whisker marks are the marks of a god!' Naruto is nonplussed with the drooling and ogling directed toward him. "Are you okay?" he repeats.
"Yes," Sasuke mutters as he is snapped out of his trance. "I'm okay. Now that I've seen you," he adds inaudibly, but loudly enough for Naruto to hear.
Instead of proclaiming Sasuke's homosexuality and running out of that store like hell, he chuckles and offers to pay for ALL of the 'food'. The Uchiha insists that he do not, yet he does it anyway, not even caring about his job.
Sasuke walks out of the store and into a random bathroom, crams the 'food' down his throat, and promptly throws it all back up. Long story short, he is thrown in the hospital, where he is 'treated like dung' and tries to self-induce vomiting. Throughout the whole ordeal, Naruto frequently visits him, despite not knowing what his name is.
In the end, they live happily ever after, and Shino the Drug Dealer marries a tarantula.
P.S. Tarantulas are spiders, and spiders are not insects. And tarantulas are as scary as ffflying emos with missiles strapped to their back and two huge gallons of gasoline in their hands and deciding that life is not worth living anymore. So. Actually, I think that this cliché is very funny.
Reviews: 5
Fangurl268: That is so saddd! :,((((
910b0b: Shino should be given a biger part!
Fangurl137: I agree with fangurl268 that is so saddddd! Im crying rite now! T_T
Writer With A Brain: Wow. Just wow. Naruto and Sasuke are so OOC and what the hell is up with that Shino the Drug Dealer?
Troll102: Bunch of morons.
Broken (read: unreasonable)
Summary: Sakura is in an EXTREMELY dysfunctional relationship. Will Itachi save her? AU.
Sakura walks into the apartment she shares with (here the author shuffles around a bunch of random names in her mind) Gaara, her boyfriend. She walks toward the kitchen for her favorite snack of the day, a huge bowl of very, very high-fat yogurt which miraculously does not make her obese.
She opens the fridge, and is immediately frozen (pardon the pun—snigger) at what she sees.
Her dangerously high-fat yogurt is now below-dangerous high-fat yogurt! The pinkette breaks into tears. Why did Gaara do this to her? Why? She didn't do anything to him! Except for drop the soap onto the filth-stained floor and forget to clean it on a regular basis, kill his puppy Spot, hideously mutate his cacti collection, and get him fired off his awesome job that he loved, but who doesn't do those things now and then?
Sakura walks into the living room, where Gaara is sprawled out on the couch, watching Man vs. Wild. She turns off the television, trembling with rage. Gaara is confused. "What's the matter?" he asks. He is so cynical! He is so evil! Sakura thinks.
"You're being abusive, Gaara! You slapped me when Spot died, you punched a wall when your cacti collection mutated, and you went home drunk after you got fired! And now you bought a different kind of yogurt for me!" She yells, finally letting out her emotions.
"What the hel—lium?" Gaara says. "You killed Spot, you dipped my cacti in toxic waste, and you got me fired! And I still care for you! So now, when I try to get you off that unhealthy habit of eating high-fat yogurt, you yell at me!" He is also trembling with rage.
Sakura, too blinded in her 'rage', was not listening at all. "I'm leaving!"
Gaara spits, "I was going to dump you anyway, you little bit of hell!"
She gasps and tears start streaming down her face. "Fine!" She turns and runs out the door.
Gaara turns back to his television show, regretting nothing. In this episode, Bear Gryllis was demonstrating how to make a shelter—find a log cabin, chop it down, make a box, cut a hole, and stick your head through that. It was ensured that it would be comfy.
Meanwhile, Sakura is on a park bench, crying her heart out. A dark-haired man, one of Sakura's best friends, sits down next to her and wipes off her snot and tears with his handkerchief. "So, what happened this time?"
Sakura blabs. Itachi is taken aback. "He shouldn't dump you because you're a wonderful person and you're beautiful and. . ." he rambles on and on. Sakura is listening to the bullcrap he is spouting. She believes him.
Anyway, all condensed, Itachi and Sakura hook up, and after a day with her, Itachi finally realizes why Gaara dumped her, and does the same. The end.
P.S. This is one of the most annoying ones to date. Just kicking the 'abusive' boyfriend without hearing his side of the story is enough to get me frustrated. Also, even though I hate Sakura, it doesn't mean that I am bashing her. She is just the best choice, since she is a multipairer. If it's too much for you, you could just ad-lib it with another name. Any gender.
Reviews: 3
SakuraIsSoAwesomeLolz: OMG! UR BASHIN SAKURA U SHUD GO TO HELL
Troll102: Hilarious.
Umbrel14: Why isn't Sakura listening to Gaara he is so hot!
Shimering Lottus (retch)
Summary: Tnten's hart is brokn will neji fiks iT sry im not good at sumaryz my frst fanfic so plz be nice! PLZ READ!1! Nejiten
Tentn siged "my hrt iz broken" neji lUked at her "i knw how to fiks it" "how/ tenten asked.
He leend forwrd and kissd hr on the liPS.
she gasp and kissd him back.
{The following is censored due to incomprehensible descriptions. We are sorry for the inconvenience.}
The end
P.S. I know that you all agree with me when I say this is the worst kind of fic there is.
Reviews: 5
Luigi8: Please get off fanfiction.
artisabang: Wow. I will go scrub my eyes out now.
Writer With A Brain: Please. Spellcheck.
Troll102: I love this! I am looking forward to updates! (Oh, you sneaky troll)
Fangurl26: u are awesome! Keep up the gud work! Nejiten is so cute!
A~N: I think that's enough for a chapter. Six in one chapter, I like it. Happy New Year, and apparently Yonbi's true name is Son Goku Kame Hame HO HAA HAA! (I just kept the son goku kame hame ho haa part because I think it's funny.)