Title: The Long And Winding Road
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com
Archive: Not without permission please
Category: Carter/Abby
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts
Spoilers: All of season 7
Author's notes: This is my first fic, so please go easy on it :)
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I just borrowing them, and promise to give them back.
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink a important decision she's made.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Long And Winding Road
Chapter 1 - Devastation
"And I don't want to be your friend."
John Carter had regretted saying it as soon as it left his mouth. He'd tried to cover it up, like he did with virtually everything that happened in his life, with a wry smile, but he could swear she saw the look on his face. The 'oh shit why did I say that' look. He walked (ran) away before anything could be said. Running again.
He walked back down the river thinking about what he'd done. Why did he have to go and open his big mouth and ruin everything? Why did he have to spoil it? He'd been drug free for months, he felt good about himself, and he had a great friend to be there for him. Now he realised that that friend was gone. And he was on his own again. He couldn't go back to her. It would never be the same.
Oh god...
****
"And I don't want to be your friend."
"What are you talking about?"
Abby Lockheart sat on the bench by the river, too shocked to move. She had always suspected Carter had *some* feelings for her, but she never expected those feelings to be so severe. She thought about all the things that they had done together; AA meetings, the charity ball, the road trip to bring her bipolar mother back to Chicago. She remembered the events with fondness and smiled slowly. She has always thought of Carter as her one true friend. Luka didn't understand her like Carter and she knew it. No one else had been through what they had been through. Her smile quickly disappeared as she realised that this friendship, one that she cherished so much, was over.
What she had with Luka wasn't perfect, but it was easy. Well easy enough anyway. There was no emotional bond between them but it was a comfortable relationship to be in. She thought about her friend, her lover, and herself, until she realised that she had to get back to County.
The rest of her shift went quickly enough. Unsurprisingly she didn't see Carter; he was always on the other side of the ER. The drama that had unfolded before them with all the gun shot wounds coming in thick and fast was over. She never found out what had happened to the shooter but she didn't care. The whole time she was there she was in a daze, not communicating with patients, not communicating with doctors. Luka asked her if she was ok. She said no, and asked if it was alright if she could be alone tonight. He obliged just like he always did. So she went home alone to an empty apartment. She would have some serious thinking to do that night.
****
Carter was sitting in the dark alone in his apartment. Still silently blasting himself for what he had done. He had wanted to say something to her ever since they got back from Oklahoma and he had something a lot better to say in his head. It played through every time he saw her. Then when he finally had the chance to tell her, he blurted out something that was a load of crap. Why? Why did he say to her that being her friend wasn't convenient for him? Where the fuck did that come from? He cupped his head in his hands and sighed. Looking up at the clock he noticed that he was working in a few hours. Retreating to his bed he lay with his eyes open knowing that he wasn't going to get to sleep.
Oh god...
****
Carter walked slowly through the doors of Cook County and prepared himself for what was going to be a tough day. He knew Abby was working as well as him and he knew he couldn't avoid her again. Something had to be said to try and get this sorted out, but he was lost for words.
Abby was sitting at the admin desk and noticed Carter coming in. He didn't see her, but she wasn't sure she wanted him too. She looked at him carefully and noticed the expression on his face... he hadn't slept either...
"Abby!" Kerry Weaver shouted to attract her attention. Abby jumped and turned around.
"Yes Dr. Weaver"
Kerry frowned, "Could you please see to Mr Jones in exam two, he's been waiting for you."
"Sure," Abby replied and started on her way.
"Wake up Abby there are patients who need to be seen!" Kerry was her usual self.
Carter approached the desk looking through the patient files for something interesting. "Good Morning Dr. Weaver," he said, trying to sound awake.
"Morning Carter," Kerry replied, noting his tired face, "have trouble sleeping?"
"Me... no I had no problems getting to..." he drifted away as he saw Abby walk out into the corridor. She looked at him for a second, turned and walked away. He wondered if....
"CARTER!!" Weaver cried, losing her patience, "hurry up, find a patient!"
Carter shook his head from side to side, "Sorry, sorry, I have one here," he said.
"What the hell is going on with everyone today!" Kerry shouted to make sure everyone in the ER could hear her, "Lets wake up and get going!"
****
It had been a slow day. No traumas, no accidents, nothing. The patients coming in were the kind Carter could deal with in his sleep. He looked out at Chicago from the roof and breathed in the air. It wasn't the best of days.
****
"Abby?" Luka called out gently; she looked up at him. "I said Mrs Harris needs a change of clothes," he smirked, "we had a little accident."
"Ok... erm, ok" Abby was hesitant and detached. Luka looked at her, confused.
"Are you ok?" he asked, words that were familiar to him now, "you seem off today."
Abby hesitated again, "Erm... could you... could you get one of the other nurses to take care of it. I need to speak with Carter about something. Do you know where he is?"
Luka frowned, annoyed, "he's on the roof taking his break. What do you want to talk to him about?"
"Its nothing really, I just need to speak to him. Tell Kerry I'm having my break ok?" and with that she walked away.
Luka frowned again, "what is it with her and Carter?" he said to himself quietly.
****
Abby opened the door and began to step out onto the roof when she looked up and saw Carter. He was facing away from her, staring out into space. She took a deep breath and approached him.
"Hi Abby," Carter said with his back to her. Abby was startled at first, but she knew that he had known it was her.
"Hi," was all she could muster. Carter turned around and looked into her eyes. She now saw how badly he looked. His face was tired, dejected, and empty. She felt the tears swelling up in her eyes. "I needed to talk to you."
Carter managed a half smile, "I figured you would."
Abby looked out at the buildings trying to summon up courage she knew she never had. "Yeah... about..."
"Yesterday?" Carter was finishing her sentences for her now. She thought about how he was so much stronger than she was, and how he was always so supportive of her.
"Yeah, look Carter I..." she looked at him briefly and then looked away again. "Erm... you are my best friend and I... I..." she felt the tears pushing through and bit her lip. Carter was staring at her, burning a hole through her with his eyes. She had to stop to compose herself. "I'm staying with Luka..." she paused, thinking about what else she could say.
"Huh," Carter half laughed, half coughed and he looked down at his feet, trying to hide his expression. Trying to hide his pain, his dejection. He felt like he was going to cry and he didn't want her to see him like this.
Abby continued, "Carter, I wish we could stay friends but I know how things like this work and I know that that won't happen." Another pause, "I just want you to know that I care about you John."
Carter nodded slowly. Still looking at the floor. He tried to smile for her, show that he was ok but he couldn't. All he could do was leave. He had to get away. He had to run again. He turned slowly and, without looking at her, headed for the door.
"Carter," Abby called out but it didn't help. The door closed and Abby was alone. Again. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks. She looked out at Chicago, lit a cigarette, and cried.
****
She jumped when she felt someone's arms wrap around her waist. She looked up to see Luka. Half-smiling, half concerned. "Hi," was once again the only word she could say.
"You've been up here for half an hour," Luka said "Weaver wants you down now." She nodded, acknowledging that she had to return to the trenches. She turned to go but Luka held on to her hand, "Is something going on between you and Carter?" he asked.
Abby frowned, annoyed at being asked the same question for the millionth time, "Luka! I'm tired of you asking..."
"No I didn't mean it like that," he cut her off, "when he came down from here he said to Kerry that he had to go... he's gone home."
Abby looked surprised but she knew she had no right to be. She had probably hurt Carter deeply, and he needed an escape. She felt like crying again. "Oh... no. He didn't look well this morning, maybe that's got something to do with it." She cursed the fact that she was such a good liar.
Luka shrugged his shoulders, "yeah I suppose so," he said as he led her back downstairs.
****
"I'm not here, this isn't happening."
Carter stumbled along the streets, making his way back home. He was crushed and he didn't care if the whole city knew. He just wanted to get back to his apartment. He felt the tears in his eyes, but he held them back. Pushing past a few more people and knocking over a garbage can, he almost crawled up to the front door of his building. Fumbling with the key, he felt like putting his hand through the glass panes that surrounded him. Finally managing to open it, he ran up several flights of stairs, almost kicked his door down and ran inside. Slamming the door behind him, which caused an angry neighbour to bang on her wall, he looked around, feeling dizzy. Quickly, without thinking, he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the sink. He looked at his face in the mirror and he could hardly recognise it. He hadn't ever felt like this before. Cupping his hands under the cold water tap he splashed his face, hopelessly trying to knock himself out of this daze. He had almost caught himself unawares as to the depth of his feelings for Abby. He looked up at the mirror again, seeing the tears in his eyes. There was nothing else he could do but cry. So he did. He cried harder than he had ever done in his life.
He cried himself to sleep.
****
"Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest."
He hardly ever had pleasant dreams. He was plagued by nightmares. Nightmares about Gant, Chase, Lucy and Bobby. He would wake up with sweat rolling down his face and body, breathing heavily until he would realise where he was. These dreams had subsided, much to his relief, ever since he started going to meetings. But now he was haunted by a new nightmare. Abby... She had hurt him more than anyone had ever hurt him before, all he felt was the pain and he wanted it to go away....
RIIINNNNNGGGG!
Carter was awoken by something, and he looked around puzzled. It took him a few seconds to realise where he was... he must have been asleep for a while, it was dark. He could feel the sweat dripping off his face...
RIIINNNNNGGGG!
Again. It was hurting his head, he curled up tightly into a ball and wanted it to stop. The phone however was relentless. It kept ringing until it made Carter scream. It was like a jackhammer.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shrieked. And with that, the ringing stopped. He sighed, relieved, but he knew it wasn't over. He could hear his own voice, distant, muffled. Then he heard the machine click.
"Hi... erm Carter its me... Abby... I erm... I realise that you might not want to talk to me right now, but I'm worried about you. The way you left earlier today was... scary. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I was going to come over but Weaver has made me take on another shift so call me whenever you feel like it ok?... erm bye."
He felt like laughing, but he hurt too much. Why did she torment him? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? Why did she have to... Why did...
His thoughts trailed into the distance as he looked at his medicine cabinet. It was then he realised that there was a way to end his pain.
"I love you Abby," he said out loud as he hoisted himself up.
****
The roof was like forbidden ground now. She never wanted to go up there again. The look Carter had on his face when she told him tore her to pieces. Whenever she closed her eyes she just saw his face. A look of pain etched across it, the way he turned without saying anything or even looking at her. She felt as though she had ruined his life, just as he was getting in control of it.
She patiently waited for the coffee machine to fill up and silently cursed the fact that she let Weaver make her take on an extra shift. She gave in too easily. She should have gone to see Carter.
****
"I jumped in the river what did I see? Black eyed angels swam with me."
Blurred, confused, cold and dazed, he walked not quite sure he was heading in the right direction. He didn't even know where he was going and why. He just got up out of his apartment and started walking. His eyes had gone blurry and he couldn't walk in a straight line. Nobody who saw him cared. To them he was just another, drunk or drugged up criminal walking the streets at three in the morning who was too wasted to do anything. Stopping to steady himself, he felt a sudden rush to his head. He didn't have much time left.
He felt his legs give way, but he had to carry on walking.
Fiercely committed to his task, it seemed like an eternity for Carter to walk two more, blurred, streets until his right leg gave in. He collapsed onto one knee. Looking up, he saw what he thought was a familiar place. Using what strength he had left in him he managed to stand once again and take a few more steps. Then he stopped again and tried to breathe.
All of a sudden he felt tired.
Falling onto both knees this time. He cursed loudly as he felt blood around his left leg. He tried to pull himself up again but he had nothing left.
With a resigned sigh. Carter collapsed into a pile of snow on the sidewalk. The pain was gone.
****
"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."
****
TO BE CONTINUED
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com
Archive: Not without permission please
Category: Carter/Abby
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts
Spoilers: All of season 7
Author's notes: This is my first fic, so please go easy on it :)
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I just borrowing them, and promise to give them back.
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink a important decision she's made.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Long And Winding Road
Chapter 1 - Devastation
"And I don't want to be your friend."
John Carter had regretted saying it as soon as it left his mouth. He'd tried to cover it up, like he did with virtually everything that happened in his life, with a wry smile, but he could swear she saw the look on his face. The 'oh shit why did I say that' look. He walked (ran) away before anything could be said. Running again.
He walked back down the river thinking about what he'd done. Why did he have to go and open his big mouth and ruin everything? Why did he have to spoil it? He'd been drug free for months, he felt good about himself, and he had a great friend to be there for him. Now he realised that that friend was gone. And he was on his own again. He couldn't go back to her. It would never be the same.
Oh god...
****
"And I don't want to be your friend."
"What are you talking about?"
Abby Lockheart sat on the bench by the river, too shocked to move. She had always suspected Carter had *some* feelings for her, but she never expected those feelings to be so severe. She thought about all the things that they had done together; AA meetings, the charity ball, the road trip to bring her bipolar mother back to Chicago. She remembered the events with fondness and smiled slowly. She has always thought of Carter as her one true friend. Luka didn't understand her like Carter and she knew it. No one else had been through what they had been through. Her smile quickly disappeared as she realised that this friendship, one that she cherished so much, was over.
What she had with Luka wasn't perfect, but it was easy. Well easy enough anyway. There was no emotional bond between them but it was a comfortable relationship to be in. She thought about her friend, her lover, and herself, until she realised that she had to get back to County.
The rest of her shift went quickly enough. Unsurprisingly she didn't see Carter; he was always on the other side of the ER. The drama that had unfolded before them with all the gun shot wounds coming in thick and fast was over. She never found out what had happened to the shooter but she didn't care. The whole time she was there she was in a daze, not communicating with patients, not communicating with doctors. Luka asked her if she was ok. She said no, and asked if it was alright if she could be alone tonight. He obliged just like he always did. So she went home alone to an empty apartment. She would have some serious thinking to do that night.
****
Carter was sitting in the dark alone in his apartment. Still silently blasting himself for what he had done. He had wanted to say something to her ever since they got back from Oklahoma and he had something a lot better to say in his head. It played through every time he saw her. Then when he finally had the chance to tell her, he blurted out something that was a load of crap. Why? Why did he say to her that being her friend wasn't convenient for him? Where the fuck did that come from? He cupped his head in his hands and sighed. Looking up at the clock he noticed that he was working in a few hours. Retreating to his bed he lay with his eyes open knowing that he wasn't going to get to sleep.
Oh god...
****
Carter walked slowly through the doors of Cook County and prepared himself for what was going to be a tough day. He knew Abby was working as well as him and he knew he couldn't avoid her again. Something had to be said to try and get this sorted out, but he was lost for words.
Abby was sitting at the admin desk and noticed Carter coming in. He didn't see her, but she wasn't sure she wanted him too. She looked at him carefully and noticed the expression on his face... he hadn't slept either...
"Abby!" Kerry Weaver shouted to attract her attention. Abby jumped and turned around.
"Yes Dr. Weaver"
Kerry frowned, "Could you please see to Mr Jones in exam two, he's been waiting for you."
"Sure," Abby replied and started on her way.
"Wake up Abby there are patients who need to be seen!" Kerry was her usual self.
Carter approached the desk looking through the patient files for something interesting. "Good Morning Dr. Weaver," he said, trying to sound awake.
"Morning Carter," Kerry replied, noting his tired face, "have trouble sleeping?"
"Me... no I had no problems getting to..." he drifted away as he saw Abby walk out into the corridor. She looked at him for a second, turned and walked away. He wondered if....
"CARTER!!" Weaver cried, losing her patience, "hurry up, find a patient!"
Carter shook his head from side to side, "Sorry, sorry, I have one here," he said.
"What the hell is going on with everyone today!" Kerry shouted to make sure everyone in the ER could hear her, "Lets wake up and get going!"
****
It had been a slow day. No traumas, no accidents, nothing. The patients coming in were the kind Carter could deal with in his sleep. He looked out at Chicago from the roof and breathed in the air. It wasn't the best of days.
****
"Abby?" Luka called out gently; she looked up at him. "I said Mrs Harris needs a change of clothes," he smirked, "we had a little accident."
"Ok... erm, ok" Abby was hesitant and detached. Luka looked at her, confused.
"Are you ok?" he asked, words that were familiar to him now, "you seem off today."
Abby hesitated again, "Erm... could you... could you get one of the other nurses to take care of it. I need to speak with Carter about something. Do you know where he is?"
Luka frowned, annoyed, "he's on the roof taking his break. What do you want to talk to him about?"
"Its nothing really, I just need to speak to him. Tell Kerry I'm having my break ok?" and with that she walked away.
Luka frowned again, "what is it with her and Carter?" he said to himself quietly.
****
Abby opened the door and began to step out onto the roof when she looked up and saw Carter. He was facing away from her, staring out into space. She took a deep breath and approached him.
"Hi Abby," Carter said with his back to her. Abby was startled at first, but she knew that he had known it was her.
"Hi," was all she could muster. Carter turned around and looked into her eyes. She now saw how badly he looked. His face was tired, dejected, and empty. She felt the tears swelling up in her eyes. "I needed to talk to you."
Carter managed a half smile, "I figured you would."
Abby looked out at the buildings trying to summon up courage she knew she never had. "Yeah... about..."
"Yesterday?" Carter was finishing her sentences for her now. She thought about how he was so much stronger than she was, and how he was always so supportive of her.
"Yeah, look Carter I..." she looked at him briefly and then looked away again. "Erm... you are my best friend and I... I..." she felt the tears pushing through and bit her lip. Carter was staring at her, burning a hole through her with his eyes. She had to stop to compose herself. "I'm staying with Luka..." she paused, thinking about what else she could say.
"Huh," Carter half laughed, half coughed and he looked down at his feet, trying to hide his expression. Trying to hide his pain, his dejection. He felt like he was going to cry and he didn't want her to see him like this.
Abby continued, "Carter, I wish we could stay friends but I know how things like this work and I know that that won't happen." Another pause, "I just want you to know that I care about you John."
Carter nodded slowly. Still looking at the floor. He tried to smile for her, show that he was ok but he couldn't. All he could do was leave. He had to get away. He had to run again. He turned slowly and, without looking at her, headed for the door.
"Carter," Abby called out but it didn't help. The door closed and Abby was alone. Again. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks. She looked out at Chicago, lit a cigarette, and cried.
****
She jumped when she felt someone's arms wrap around her waist. She looked up to see Luka. Half-smiling, half concerned. "Hi," was once again the only word she could say.
"You've been up here for half an hour," Luka said "Weaver wants you down now." She nodded, acknowledging that she had to return to the trenches. She turned to go but Luka held on to her hand, "Is something going on between you and Carter?" he asked.
Abby frowned, annoyed at being asked the same question for the millionth time, "Luka! I'm tired of you asking..."
"No I didn't mean it like that," he cut her off, "when he came down from here he said to Kerry that he had to go... he's gone home."
Abby looked surprised but she knew she had no right to be. She had probably hurt Carter deeply, and he needed an escape. She felt like crying again. "Oh... no. He didn't look well this morning, maybe that's got something to do with it." She cursed the fact that she was such a good liar.
Luka shrugged his shoulders, "yeah I suppose so," he said as he led her back downstairs.
****
"I'm not here, this isn't happening."
Carter stumbled along the streets, making his way back home. He was crushed and he didn't care if the whole city knew. He just wanted to get back to his apartment. He felt the tears in his eyes, but he held them back. Pushing past a few more people and knocking over a garbage can, he almost crawled up to the front door of his building. Fumbling with the key, he felt like putting his hand through the glass panes that surrounded him. Finally managing to open it, he ran up several flights of stairs, almost kicked his door down and ran inside. Slamming the door behind him, which caused an angry neighbour to bang on her wall, he looked around, feeling dizzy. Quickly, without thinking, he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the sink. He looked at his face in the mirror and he could hardly recognise it. He hadn't ever felt like this before. Cupping his hands under the cold water tap he splashed his face, hopelessly trying to knock himself out of this daze. He had almost caught himself unawares as to the depth of his feelings for Abby. He looked up at the mirror again, seeing the tears in his eyes. There was nothing else he could do but cry. So he did. He cried harder than he had ever done in his life.
He cried himself to sleep.
****
"Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest."
He hardly ever had pleasant dreams. He was plagued by nightmares. Nightmares about Gant, Chase, Lucy and Bobby. He would wake up with sweat rolling down his face and body, breathing heavily until he would realise where he was. These dreams had subsided, much to his relief, ever since he started going to meetings. But now he was haunted by a new nightmare. Abby... She had hurt him more than anyone had ever hurt him before, all he felt was the pain and he wanted it to go away....
RIIINNNNNGGGG!
Carter was awoken by something, and he looked around puzzled. It took him a few seconds to realise where he was... he must have been asleep for a while, it was dark. He could feel the sweat dripping off his face...
RIIINNNNNGGGG!
Again. It was hurting his head, he curled up tightly into a ball and wanted it to stop. The phone however was relentless. It kept ringing until it made Carter scream. It was like a jackhammer.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shrieked. And with that, the ringing stopped. He sighed, relieved, but he knew it wasn't over. He could hear his own voice, distant, muffled. Then he heard the machine click.
"Hi... erm Carter its me... Abby... I erm... I realise that you might not want to talk to me right now, but I'm worried about you. The way you left earlier today was... scary. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I was going to come over but Weaver has made me take on another shift so call me whenever you feel like it ok?... erm bye."
He felt like laughing, but he hurt too much. Why did she torment him? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? Why did she have to... Why did...
His thoughts trailed into the distance as he looked at his medicine cabinet. It was then he realised that there was a way to end his pain.
"I love you Abby," he said out loud as he hoisted himself up.
****
The roof was like forbidden ground now. She never wanted to go up there again. The look Carter had on his face when she told him tore her to pieces. Whenever she closed her eyes she just saw his face. A look of pain etched across it, the way he turned without saying anything or even looking at her. She felt as though she had ruined his life, just as he was getting in control of it.
She patiently waited for the coffee machine to fill up and silently cursed the fact that she let Weaver make her take on an extra shift. She gave in too easily. She should have gone to see Carter.
****
"I jumped in the river what did I see? Black eyed angels swam with me."
Blurred, confused, cold and dazed, he walked not quite sure he was heading in the right direction. He didn't even know where he was going and why. He just got up out of his apartment and started walking. His eyes had gone blurry and he couldn't walk in a straight line. Nobody who saw him cared. To them he was just another, drunk or drugged up criminal walking the streets at three in the morning who was too wasted to do anything. Stopping to steady himself, he felt a sudden rush to his head. He didn't have much time left.
He felt his legs give way, but he had to carry on walking.
Fiercely committed to his task, it seemed like an eternity for Carter to walk two more, blurred, streets until his right leg gave in. He collapsed onto one knee. Looking up, he saw what he thought was a familiar place. Using what strength he had left in him he managed to stand once again and take a few more steps. Then he stopped again and tried to breathe.
All of a sudden he felt tired.
Falling onto both knees this time. He cursed loudly as he felt blood around his left leg. He tried to pull himself up again but he had nothing left.
With a resigned sigh. Carter collapsed into a pile of snow on the sidewalk. The pain was gone.
****
"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."
****
TO BE CONTINUED