This is a fic that has been kind of sitting around my computer for awhile waiting to be published. Lili Zanotto focused cause she's one of my absolute favorite characters. A gift I've been sitting on for AGES.
I wanted to dabble in some kind of thriller of sorts. Given the fact this is fanfiction, you all know pretty distinctly something is off.
also basic disclaimer: given the title and tags this isn't a slam against medication or therapy. Like at all. Lili is just in a fucked situation where it's being used against her. Hopefully that much will become more obvious as the fic goes on.
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Her teeth are aching in a familiar sort of way, a way she's learned to quietly despised as she rolls over onto her side. Lili simply presses her fingers against her lips, resisting her urge to push past her lips and touch her teeth. For now she calms herself by licking at the inside of her mouth, tongue tracing the shapes. She counts each tooth, starting again when she manages to lose count. The activity is lulling and easing.
The redhead rolls out of bed, tiredly forcing herself up and away from her bedroom. The walk to her kitchen is a short one, occupied with Lili tracing her hand along the white stuccoed walls of her apartment. The texture against her skin barely registers anymore.
Things are where she left them yesterday. Her mug is in the cabinet, her coffee maker on the countertop, dishes from the night before on the dish rack and her medication set out on the counter. Lili falls into routine, turn on the coffee maker, pull out mug, put away dishes, uncap the bottle and fill a glass of water. She's done this every morning since she came home. They promised stability would help her adjust. After the 'incident', stability was what she needed. She can almost picture her mother's worried pinched expression when she dwells on the incident. The sting guilt of that makes her shake the pills into her hand.
Lili didn't believe them to be honest. She still tasted blood on her teeth and dreamed of crying. The medication didn't dull everything. She still felt things she wasn't supposed to. The doctor and her parents had promised those things would fade in time.
In her own way, Lili relished those bursts of color in her head, the sting of voices murmuring lowly in the back of her mind and low hum of plants talking amongst themselves.
The thought of it makes her pause, eyeing the two white pills in her open palm for a moment. She licks the inside of her teeth again. Lili just stares, golden brown eyes narrowing back at the uniform white capsules resting in her hand.
She drops the pills into the sink and pours the glass out over it. She wants to be alive again, but she wants to live on her own terms. She'll accept the consequences.
###
The rest of the day is good, wonderful, even. Even with the rattling of voices in the back of her mind, she finds herself happier. She can focus on work for once, it isn't a dredge of boredom and staring listlessly at her computer.
Her boss even notices, complimenting her 'pep'. Lili isn't sure why him suddenly saying that bothers her. His compliments usually brighten her day. She can't really understand, nor does she bother to sort through it now, she chirps a 'thank you' in his direction and focuses back on the computer in front of her.
She nearly misses lunch, surprised at the fact she was so engrossed in what she was doing. Lunch actually has taste to it. Lili realize that when she takes a bite from the apple she packed in her bag.
Oddly enough, she also realizes she only has an apple in her bag. Did she really only just bring an apple?
Strange. She pats her pockets, finding enough money to buy a snack bar at least. One of her coworkers sees this and teases her that she'll get fat if she keeps this up.
Lili gives an obliging laugh, it almost an automatic reaction as she speaks, "A lady is allowed to indulge every once in an awhile." It feels strangely wrong when it falls from her lips.
The lithe woman laughs at that, flipping her hair and smiling this toothy sort of smile Lili hates immediately as soon as she sees it. She eats the snack bar with relish once she's alone.
Her trip to her therapist after work is what it always has been. Dr. Gladsun sits on the couch across from her, talking about her condition and medication needs. He always talks, she usually lost half of what he said by the end of a session.
She still loses attention here and there, but for a different reason. Now her mind is trying to understand half of what he says.
'What is my condition?' She wonders, but never says it. Some tumultuous feeling keeps it bound behind her lips as she nods mutely at his words. Her slim hands settled into her lap like her mother had taught her as she listens to him speak.
"Does that make sense, Lili?"
"Of course, Dr. I understand." She says simply back, the voices are muffled, flickering in and out as she smiles at him with her lipstick stained teeth.
###
When she gets home, she cooks herself pasta. Indulging in everything in her small fridge with it's shockingly small amount of contents, she feels hungry. Lili feels like she could gobble up the whole world given the chance.
It's a relief to just eat, to relax and stop needing to sit so stiffly. Not that Lili had realized she was doing that until she stepped through the threshold of her apartment door. She unbuttons her pressed blouse, shedding it in favor of something looser as she works on dinner. Her pencil skirt, heels and stockings are lost as she wanders the house eating.
Now, the taste of artificial pasta sauce is the best thing she's eaten in a very long time.
Lili genuinely can't remember feeling this good. She wonders why between bites.