"this fufknbing suck" - My fiance, author of the acclaimed Sonic and Crash Bandicoot Find a Crate, a story so rare that only I've read it.
Having a Wonderful Time, by Dickfart
One day Tierno was laying around in bed, chillin' out with his homie Squirtle. He was playing Candy Crush on his phone, until he ran out of turns and the game wanted him to pay money to continue. He tossed his phone on the floor and crushed it with his massive foot, all with that big, goofy smile on his face.
"Time to boogy on outta here," he said, as he truffle shuffled all the way out of the guest room of the Pokemon Center. Much to his delight, many locals and travelers were gathered around with their Pokemon to receive care from Nurse Joy. He wanted to impress them all with his sick beats and phat moves, so he started with at the front counter, taking up all the space and swinging his jiggly limbs around like he was having a long seizure.
"...ska ka do bop dun dun pow pow," Tierno sang to Nurse Joy for what seemed like hours. She pretended to smile and laugh, but inside she wanted him to go away and die.
"Hey, buddy. My Rattata is in critical condition," said Youngster Joey from behind him, not the least bit amused by the bulbous fat stomping and scatting around at Nurse Joy's counter for the past twenty minutes. "It's a top percentage Rattata and has no time for your bullshit."
"Critical, critical. We beatin' to the bop, it's critical. Rattata gotta scat like a rat in a trap. Skoobity bop bop pawCHOW!" Tierno said, and he threw his fist out so hard that it shattered Youngster Joey's jaw on contact. "OH YEAH!"
"Oh my god," said Nurse Joy, dialing Officer Jenny. This was the opportunity she'd been praying for.
"Ohhhhrtsaaaa!" said Youngster Joey, shoving his tiny fist into Tierno's bovine belly, whose fat grew a mind of its own and locked Youngster Joey into place. If he had a working jaw he'd tell Tierno to let go of him. Instead, Tierno put him in neck-snapping a headlock and gave him the harshest noogie of all time.
"Thank you, my adoring fan. I'll be sure to mail your family an autographed picture of myself," said Tierno, ripping off all his clothes until he was wearing nothing but a g-string with dance flats. Joey and his broken neck fell to the floor, his bald noogie spot bleeding out. Then his Rattata exploded out of its pokeball and ran away cheering. It was free! Free at last!
"Hands up, creep!" said Officer Jenny, whipping out her pistol. She'd just witnessed a murder, and worse! Public indecency! Two things not even the dastardly Team Rocket were capable of.
Tierno turned around, his dopey smile on his blood-spattered face. He waved to Officer Jenny and said, "ba da da shoo bop pa da pop, if it isn't a cop, come to see my moves, respect my grooves." He did a ballet pirouette and said, "Catch me, partner!" Squirtle grabbed a preschooler and put it in its place while Tierno was still spinning, and when he finally fell the innocent preschooler screamed while it was crushed to death beneath him.
An Ace Trainer Female ran out in an attempt to taze him while he was down, but he smiled as a billion volts surged through his body, and then he got up.
"My I please have this dance?" he asked, and gave a bow. Before she could even say no the two began to waltz, and then he spun her. He spun and spun and spun her. Officer Jenny couldn't get a clear shot on him without hurting the girl, who was now whipping yellow puke chunks all over the Pokemon Center. She spun so fast she drilled herself into the floorboards, and a sharp slice of wood skewered her neck. Tierno clapped and said "hip hip hooray!"
Then Officer Jenny shot him.
She had aimed for his head, but even that was so fat that it caught the bullet and bounced back toward her. Her forehead spurted blood and she was down.
"Bam kablam! I am the man!" he said, giving his Squirtle a high five. He then turned to look at all of the awe-struck faces of trainers and Pokemon alike in the Pokemon Center and gave a bow, as though they were all clapping. They weren't. "Who wants to see me perform again?"
"We're all gonna die!" a hiker shrieked, starting a mob. They all screamed and barreled toward the exit, pushing, shoving, and trampling one another to get out. Even Nurse Joy got swept into it, hoping to mediate the violence and the fires that were erupting from every which direction to no avail. None of them could get the door open, though. Squirtle saw to that.
"Squirtle squirt?" said Squirtle.
"That's right, buddy! Cue the light show! Water gun!"
Squirtle dosed every electric device and power outlet until wires broke, sparked, and ignited more fires, because who doesn't love fire? The entire room was engulfed in hell. Sparks showered people. Beams holding the building up were coming down. A sign fell on another preschooler. Perhaps most tragic was the late Nurse Joy, who attempted lead the crowd to safety, but was trampled to death in the process.
With blood and chunks sprayed at his feet, Tierno whipped his favorite tassels out of his backpack and stuck them to his nipples.
"And now the final act! Roll Out!" Squirtle put on its shades, grabbed the boom box, and Roll Out by Ludacris started playing.
He spun and spun and spun, while singing along, "I got my twin glock .40s, cocked back Me and my homies, so drop that We rolling on twenties, with the top back So much money, you can't stop that..." And with enough energy to put an atom bomb to shame, Tierno started rolling around the Pokemon center like a fuckin' boulder.
"Now where'd you get that" CRUNCH "platinum chain" CRASH "with them" SPLAT SQUIRT "diamonds in it?"
One by one every person in the Pokemon Center was bulldozed by that fat, insane piece of shit rolling and rolling around the room until there was nothing left but Tierno's horrible rapping. Well, what did you expect from a white guy?
Anyway, he then hopped up on his toes, skipping across every bleeding corpse. Once his song was over, Squirtle turned off the boom box and they both went outside.
"I think that was a hit, don't you?" said Tierno.
"Squirtle!" said Squirtle, smiling as though they'd just finished a pleasant walk in the park.
"Water Gun me, homie! We got shit to do today and I have to look my best, ya dig?"
So Squirtle did, and once Tierno dried himself off and put some clothes on, Ash, Serena, and the rest showed up.
"Hey Tierno. How's it shi-poppity-poppin yo?" said Ash, fist-bumping his bro.
"Great! I just put on an awesome dance show for the locals. You should have seen it."
"Too bad I missed it. I'll bet it was awesome," said Ash. "All of my friends are awesome. I like everything and everyone. Nothing could possibly ruin this perfect day, right, Pikachu?"
"Pika pika!" said Pikachu.
"See ya later, Ash," said Tierno. Then he took Serena's hand in his own and gave it a kiss. "And I'll especially be seeing you."
"Uh..." said Serena, having puked in her mouth a little.
Tierno was halfway down the road singing to himself when he heard Ash scream, "OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYONE DEAD? WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?" and Tierno kept strolling and singing.
"Things that bother you, Never bother me, I feel happy and fine! AHA! Living in the sunlight Loving in the moonlight, Having a wonderful time!"
The End
Tierno singing "Livin' In The Sunlight, Lovin' In The Moonlight" by Tiny Tim in the end. It was in SpongeBob. Tierno and SpongeBob should hang out sometime.