Subaru, what are you thinking of? Are you still lost and trapped in the past? No, you chose to be there. You would rather face the barren wasteland, rather than face the day, right?
Why? Why do you create this illusion for yourself? It is because you lost them, right? You lost the two you love the most: Hokuto and Seishirou. You'll never be able to forget their names or their faces as long as you live.
Subaru, who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you know the person on the other side, staring back at you? Do you resent him? Does seeing his beautiful face fill your eyes with hot, angry tears?
At times, you ask, "why am I the one left standing?" You would rather die a thousand times than let them face death the way they did. There's obviously a reason for that. You just can't see it yet, can you? Nevertheless, it still hurts. You don't want to think of the pain they must have felt where their flesh was torn. You don't want to know of the hurt they felt having their life taken away by someone they loved. But you do. You think about it all the time. You don't know how they felt, but you do know of the pain that you felt, when your fist plunged through him. Your stomach convulses every time you think about sick, repulsive feel of the soft, vulnerable flesh and the warm blood that dripped down your fingers.
The night is long isn't it? Every time you close your eyes you relive those moments, both painful and joyful. Every time you lay down to rest, you wish that you would never wake up, that your eyes will remain shut forever. After all, their eyes will never open again.
We are food for worms. What's the use of living if no purpose for life exists, you ask. Is there some superior being playing with you, getting some sort of kick out of watching you squirm?
Is everything really destined? Why would fate give you everything you've always wanted, only to take it away again? Are those few, brief, fleeting smiles worth all of this? Maybe it would have been better if Seishirou and you never met. Maybe it would have been better if you were never born. Then, maybe your sister would still be alive.
That year, when you were still young and innocent. That year when you were still happy and carefree, when your eyes didn't hide the sorrow they do today. Was everything that happened that year just an illusion you created in the back of your mind, you ask. Was everything just a lie? No, Subaru, it isn't. When you ask questions like that, you start to lose yourself. He may have deceived you and your sister, but everything that happened was real. Everything you thought about, everything you felt, they were all real. Those brief moments when you felt loved were real, too. No one can take that away from you. Your emotions may have been based on a lie, but so long as you felt them, they will be real.
Living is not as easy as dying. Those who live feel the pang of death more than those who died do. Grief, anguish, and suffering are reserved for the living. We are mortal creatures. We don't have an eternity; all we have is this fleeting moment. Is there something after, you ask. Is there something to look forward to after death, you ask. Maybe there is, and maybe there isn't. What difference does it make?
The sun still shines; the flowers still bloom; the world still turns.
People still meet, they still become friends, and they still fall in love.
If in them you found something worth dying for, can you find in them something worth living for in them?
They're still there with you, you say, they'll never leave your side as long as you remember them. That's fine as well, if that's what you believe. If that's what gives you the strength to move on with your life, then they'll always be there with you, by your side, watching over you as your guardian angels.
Subaru, find your own path to follow, and take care of yourself.