After a while, Veera stopped tensing up every time she heard a knock at her door, finally silencing the voice in her head screaming danger. Eventually, it became the best part of her day.
She pulled open the door, and there she was. Cosima, her… girlfriend. Veera's girlfriend, her smile a thousand times too bright for Veera's drab apartment. The sight of her was enough to remind Veera of her own inadequacies. Her hand drifted to her own hair, draping it across the right side of her face.
"Hey," Cosima said, placing a hand alongside the same cheek.
She brought her face in close, like it was the most natural thing in the world, like the moment before each kiss didn't make Veera feel like she was falling. Their lips connected, and Veera was safe. Cosima was always, always there to catch her.
"H-hi," Veera said.
"It looks cute on you," Cosima noted, brushing the back of her hand against the arm of Veera's sweater. Veera had offhandedly mentioned that the heat in her apartment didn't reach her couch. The next day, Cosima brought over some blankets and a thick sweater. Blue, because she said it suited Veera. Veera didn't know why, only that it meant Cosima was thinking about her. Blue suited her.
"It fits okay, right?" Cosima asked. "I figure we're the same size."
"Yes," Veera said, tugging at the ends of the sleeves. "Thank you. It's very warm."
Cosima smiled and slipped past Veera into the apartment.
"So," she said. "What are you thinking for food? Your pick. I'm starving, totally good with anything right now."
She flopped down onto the couch, sinking into it, and pulled one of the new blankets over herself. It was all so casual, like this was home.
"Actually," Veera said, sort of half-motioning toward the kitchen. There was a pot on the stove and a cutting board on the counter, items usually confined to her cabinets. "I, um…"
"Mika," Cosima said, a shining grin on her face. "Did you cook for me?"
Veera swallowed, nodding.
"Pasta primavera," she said. "I followed the recipe exactly, but it took longer than expected. I'm sorry, I didn't have time to clean up or set the-"
She paused as she felt Cosima take her hand, placing tiny, fluttering kisses up and down her fingers, looking up at her with something that resembled love. Veera couldn't believe any of this was real.
None of the other Ledas had been quite what Veera was expecting based on the data she'd collected. Sarah was more kind. Helena was so much more kind. And Cosima… nothing could have prepared her for Cosima.
It had started off as an easy friendship, the two instantly bonding over their love of hard sci-fi and board games, then quickly grew as they found a home in each other's company. Eventually, they were inseparable. It seemed like every day Cosima was inviting Veera over to binge some old low-budget sci-fi show, or out to some art showcase or small concert Veera would otherwise have never dreamed of attending. But with Cosima there, she wanted to. Every time.
And that's what it was, for a while. It hadn't occurred to Veera that it could be anything else.
"What else?" Cosima asked herself, eyes darting around the room. She was finally showing Veera around her lab and could hardly contain her giddiness. "Oh!"
She practically slid across the floor to a small rack of computers against the wall.
"These guys do all the heavy lifting," she said, patting the top computer like a proud parent. "Protein modeling, uh-"
She stopped mid-sentence, catching the way Veera was looking at her.
"I'm totally boring you, aren't I?"
"No!" Veera said instinctively.
She'd been staring. Why had she been staring? She remembered noticing the way Cosima tucked her pen behind her ear. She remembered noticing the specific way Cosima's hands moved when she was excited. She remembered noticing the gleam of Cosima's smile as she bragged about all the "underlings" she got to boss around.
She couldn't say any of that, she realized. She'd sound ridiculous.
"I was just thinking… I'm glad I met you," she said instead.
Heat rose to her face. She wasn't sure what was happening to her, but she was hit with an intense anxiety, her stomach twisting around itself.
"Aw, hey," Cosima said, and Veera found herself staring again, at the way her face softened in affection. Suddenly, her hand was on Veera's arm. "I'm glad I met you too."
She'd known for a while that something was different with Cosima. With Niki and Beth, she'd missed them when they were apart. With Cosima, she missed her while they were together. There were sides to Cosima she knew she would never know, and it ached in her chest. Here, suddenly, it was becoming clear to her what that meant.
Cosima let her arm fall, and then her hand was on Veera's. Sparks shot up her arm. She recognized this moment: the pregnant silence, the sustained eye contact. This was the part where the boy kisses the girl. This was the part where Veera…
Her eyes scanned Cosima's face for something, any indication at all that she wasn't about to make the biggest mistake of her life. The thought terrified her, but not nearly as much as the thought of letting her one and only opportunity slip through her fingers. After a moment, Cosima gave a small tilt of her head, drawing Veera's eyes back to hers. She smiled.
It was enough.
Veera shoved aside the doubts in her mind, jolting forward and pressing her lips to Cosima's. For a moment, she got to relish the feel of it, Cosima's lips soft and warm on hers. Then the fears returned, hurtling, screaming back into her head.
You've ruined it. You just ruined everything. She'll never speak to you again. She'll tell the others about this, and they'll all laugh at you. Stupid, stupid Veera. You're going to be alone for the rest of your life.
She shut her eyes tight, wishing desperately that she could just disappear, never have to think about this horrible, blissful moment ever again. She pulled away, or tried to, but Cosima's hand was at the back of her neck, gently guiding them back together. A tiny, joyful whimper escaped Veera's mouth, and she felt Cosima smile against her lips.
In the months since then, Veera had slowly stopped worrying that she would somehow ruin this. Cosima was still here. Cosima wanted to be with her. This was Veera's life now. She had a girlfriend she wanted to cook meals for, not out of fear of losing her, but just to make her happy.
"Do you think it could use more salt?" Veera asked, watching intently as Cosima took her first bite. "The recipe was well-reviewed, but there were a few complaints of-"
She paused, feeling Cosima's hand on hers.
"It's perfect."
Veera took the hint, accepting the compliment with a smile and a nod.
"So," Cosima said. "I know I said I wanted to check out that concert tonight, but I'm actually pretty beat. What do you think, stay in and play video games?"
As much as Veera enjoyed going out together, this was the most exciting thing Cosima could have said.
"Yeah, I thought you might like that," she said, noticing Veera's grin.
It hadn't taken long for them to find their rhythm. Veera had no idea how, but Cosima made it easy, slipping into the girlfriend role like it had been custom made for her. She'd snapped her fingers, and they were a couple. Simple as that.
Case in point: a few days after the kiss, Veera sitting on Cosima's couch, Cosima casually lying across her lap, gently stroking the palm of her hand. The weight of her was the greatest comfort Veera had ever known.
"I so didn't expect this," Cosima said softly.
"What?"
"Just this," she said, drawing a small circle in the air around them with her free hand. "You and me."
Veera tried to read the tone of her voice, something she was never very good at.
"Hey, don't make that face," Cosima said, flashing her a warm smile. "It's a good thing. One of those things you don't realize you need until it happens, you know?"
Veera nodded. She felt the same, of course.
"I just want you to know," Cosima said. "Even if I don't have much time left, I'm just happy that I get to spend it with you."
And there it was, the awful, hideous truth. Cosima was sick. She was sick, and no one could tell Veera that she would be cured in time.
Veera inhaled sharp, shuddering. Her vision blurred with the sudden sting of tears.
"Shit," Cosima said. She sat up, taking and cradling Veera's head against her chest. "That was way too heavy. I'm an idiot, I'm sorry."
Veera thought about Niki. She thought about Beth. Here Cosima was, recognizing and accepting her own mortality, and all Veera could think about was losing another woman she loved. She hid her face in Cosima's shoulder, ashamed by her own selfishness.
"We'll find a cure," she choked.
Cosima ran her hand up and down Veera's back.
"I know," she said.
Veera knew it was a lie, but it was a lie she needed.
"Dude," Cosima sighed. "Just because you memorized all the fatalities doesn't mean you have to rip my guts out every time."
"I do it out of love," Veera replied, half-smirking. Down, left, right, right. Veera input the combo and watched her character tear out Cosima's character's ribs and shove them through her skull.
"Such a romantic," Cosima said flatly.
"If you won more, you wouldn't have to watch them all the time," Veera said. She brought her hand to her mouth, stifling a giggle.
Cosima laughed, jaw dropping in mock-offense.
"You brat," she said. "That's how you wanna play it, huh? Fine."
She reached for her controller, but stopped short, covering her mouth with her arm as she began coughing. Veera recognized it instantly, instinctively bringing her hand to Cosima's back as she sputtered and shook. She rubbed in small circles, willing her body to settle.
Veera knew what Cosima was going through, all too well. And though she hadn't known her when Cosima first started showing symptoms, she was sure she'd handled it better than Veera had.
It had become Veera's way of dealing with her problems: shutting herself away from everything and everyone around her. That way, they were her problems and no one else's. It was the right thing to do. It had always felt like the right thing to do.
So she sat on her own, in a corner of the dark apartment she hadn't left in days, her only company the fears swirling through her mind.
She was dying. Cosima was dying.
She screamed, not for the first time that day. Her voice cut through the stale air, filled the apartment for a brief moment, then snagged and died in her throat. The silence was unbearable. She missed Cosima. God, she missed her. She pulled her phone from her pocket and powered it on, desperate for anything from her.
The screen lit up green with a flurry of messages. One from Sarah.
Hey you alright? We're worried. Cos is worried.
Veera took a deep breath. Thirteen messages from Cosima.
Dude
Dune on Netflix
It's so weird
You're gonna hate it
Anyway we're watching it tonight
You around?
Missed you last night
You okay?
If you need space I'll understand
I don't want to be the smothering girlfriend
Just tell me so I know you're okay?
Veera
Please
The messages became harder and harder to read through the tears. Veera had been thoughtless. She still wasn't used to this, people worrying about her. Veera couldn't bear the idea that she'd made Cosima worry. More than that, she couldn't bear the idea that she'd made Cosima think she wanted this. To be left alone. To push away the best thing that had ever happened to her.
She brought up the keyboard and began typing.
I'm symptomatic
Her thumb hovered over the 'send' button for just a moment, then pressed down. Her stomach lurched as the message went through. Almost instantly, the phone buzzed in her hand.
Oh god Veera
I'm coming over
Veera looked up. Suddenly, she felt it, all around her: the thick, crushing loneliness she'd buried herself in. She was sick of hiding.
Recognizing the sound of Cosima's hurried footsteps outside on the pavement, she rushed to the door and threw it open. She blinked against the cutting brightness of the streetlights but was quickly enveloped by Cosima's shadow, pulling her into a tight embrace.
"Hey," she said, voice faint, tear-soaked.
"I'm sorry," Veera whimpered into her shoulder.
"Shhh."
Veera clung to her like a life preserver, touch-starved. Cosima placed a lingering kiss on her forehead.
"We'll find a cure," she said.
"I know."
They'd had to adjust after Veera got sick, find their new rhythm. The illness was always a passenger, hanging above their heads. Some days were worse than others. Veera had her bad days, Cosima had hers, but one was always there to take care of the other. Today, it seemed, was one of Cosima's bad days.
"You said you were tired," Veera said, trying not to sound upset. She set the oxygen tank by Cosima's feet and took a seat next to her, handing her her cannula.
"Yeah. Sorry, I know we're not hiding it anymore," Cosima said through wheezing breaths. "It's just, tonight was so nice, you know? You cooked for me."
She smiled, still somehow bright as ever.
"I didn't wanna ruin it," she said.
"You know I don't mind."
"I know," Cosima said, nodding. She cleared her throat, wincing at the pain.
"I'll make tea," Veera decided. The tea helped. Not much, but it was something they knew they could do for each other.
Cosima took Veera's hand, stopping her as she moved to stand. She pressed their foreheads together, meeting her eyes.
"What did I do so right to deserve a girl like you, huh?"
Veera's heart fluttered in her chest. She squeezed Cosima's hand. If she held on tight enough, to this moment, to what they had together, maybe she could keep it alive.