Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own any of the Weiss or Schwarz boys. They belong to Koyasu Takehito and I'm not trying to kidnap them for my own and make them all do spontaneous yaoi things to each other, even though we all know that would make Weiss Kreuz a whole lot better.... not in the eyes of any legals, that is.... Anyway, I also don't own Shuuichi Shindo (Gravitation) or Sae Sawanaguchi (Mahou Tsukai Tai); I'm just borrowing them for, like, two seconds! Please don't sue me if I forgot anything. I have no money and won't be able to feed my kitty if I'm in jail. Arigato.

Warnings: Language, slapstick violence, literally "alternative lifestyle"-_-; /yaoi, Farfie on Prozac, and beware of my twisted sense of humor and random insertions.

Pairings: Shu/Brad, Nagi/Omi; some Ken/Omi and suggested Shu/Yohji

Chapter One

Brad Crawford let out a heavy sigh as he flopped into his favorite armchair after a long day of work. Actually, in his opinion, there had been more stupidity going on than work that day. Schwarz had a new assignment, and unfortunately for Brad's twitching eye, that assignment involved Weiss.

"How am I going to tell Schuldig?" he mumbled hopelessly to himself.

"Tell me what?" A nasally voice plundered in before an answer could be reached.

Crawford nearly leaped out of his chair

when a tangle mass of orange hair

appeared by his head out of nowhere.

Heehee. I made a rhyme.

"Schuldig?" ha asked sheepishly, "How long have you been standing there?"

The red headed German scrunched his face up thoughtfully for a long minute, before shrugging. "I don't know." He replied lamely, swinging around the back of the chair to fall in Crawford's lap.

Crawford's eye twitched. The stupidity continues...

"So what did you want to tell me?" Schuldig repeated, running his slim fingers through Brad's coffee-brown hair.

Crawford cleared his throat nervously before explaining. "We, uh, have an assignment. It's actually an assignment where we will correspond with Weiss."

Schuldig raised an eyebrow. "We're working with the kittens?" he asked, removing Brad's glasses and tossing them over his shoulder. There came a soft crack as the lenses hit the hardwood floor and broke.

The eye gave a dangerous twitch.

"Sort of..." he continued as Schuldig proceeded to loosen his tie for him and discard it in a similar fashion as the glasses. "You see... we will be hosting their youngest member, Tsukiyono Omi, in our... home... for a period of one week. And in exchange, we will be sending one of our members to stay with Weiss for that same week."

Schuldig's eyes lit up like a child's on Christmas. Or Chanukah, or whatever the heck you celebrate, cause I don't want to sound inconsiderate and closed-minded. He paused in his task of unbuttoning Brad's shirt, and grinned suggestively at the older man. "You mean we get to play with the chibi kitten for a whole week?" He said excitedly.

Crawford's expression momentarily faltered. Don't look into his eyes... He kept thinking as he promptly glanced in every other direction. "Well, um, you see... we still have to give one of our members to them, right? And, well, after much consideration... uh..."

Schuldig's eyes went wide and shimmery in a pathetic Shuuichi imitation from the show Gravitation.

Heeheehee. I did it again. Did ya' see?

"Bradley?" He whimpered, afraid of what was coming next, but not so distracted that he couldn't throw Brad's shirt backwards into the growing pile of accessories on the floor.

Don't. Look. Into. His. Eyes... Crawford was now staring strait up at the ceiling, his defective eye flickering spastically. "Shuldig," he said as firmly as possible with Schuldig contemplating the belt around his trousers. "You...er. Have to. Umm...go."

OK. That was fine. A bit choppy, maybe, but fine nonetheless.

Schuldig dropped the half-removed belt immediately. Huge swells of tears rolled down his cheeks, and for a moment, Brad thought the German was possessed by Sae Sawanoguchi. He sure had acquired the voice for it. "Bu-but Bradley!" he sobbed. "How can you turn me over to the evil clutches of Weiss?" He was suddenly sprawled on the floor with a spotlight shining on him dramatically. Biting a handkerchief, he whined, "Do you know what those dirty, dirty kittens might DO to me?"

Crawford's eye seemed determined to set a speed record at the rate it was fluttering. "I'm more worried about what you'll do to them." Brad commented.

"Then why are you sending me?!" Schuldig protested. "Why not you or Nagi or Farfie?"

"As the leader of Schwarz," Crawford explained, holding his eye in both hands, "it's my duty to stay here and supervise our side of the operation." That's one. "Secondly, if I give Farferello to them, they'll either all go insane or die before the week is over." That's two. "And finally, Nagi absolutely refused to go after I told him that Omi would be staying here. If you want to try to talk a depressed teen telekinetic out of seeing one of his only friends, you go right ahead. But I suggest you don't for your own physical health." That's-

At that moment, there came a loud whirring noise from the upstairs bathroom, followed by what sounded like Nagi shrieking and gargling at the same time. "Work! You stupid ball-hacking piece of shit!" he shouted. Then came a tremendous buzzing and the second floor vibrated.

There was a pounding heard at the bathroom door and Farferello yelled: "Nagi! Are ye all right?"

The vibrating seemed to grow stronger and Nagi barked back frantically: "I'm FINE! NOTHING'S wrong! DON'T come in!"

There came a click as the door was pushed open anyway, echoed by the two girlish screams of their teammates. And then, complete silence.

...three.

Schuldig and Crawford exchanged a perturbed stare. O-kay. Shaking their heads, the two dismissed the... situation upstairs, and they returned to their conversation.

"But Bradley... I'll die without you."

"I'm sure you'll manage. Besides, Yohji will be there, remember?"

In a nonsensical flash, Schuldig was off Crawford's lap and dragging a huge suitcase out the front door.

Brad turned his warped eye to the author.

Brad: Hold on a second. How could he possibly get off me, get his suitcase packed, and get to the front door in under a second?

Author: It's a fic-trick. Don't press it.

Brad: But-

Author: DO NOT QUESTION THE ALLEN MIGHTY!!!

Brad: *meep*

Turning back to Schuldig, he confirmed, "So, you're going?"

Schuldig didn't answer directly, but seeing as how he was chanting: "You don't get any for a we-ek! You don't get any for a we-ek!" Crawford took that as a 'yes.'

"All right then. Mission 'I Want a New Job' will commence tomorrow morning at 8:00 am. Until then, I'm going to get an aspirin from the bathroom and try to fix whatever the hell Nagi and Farferello did."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Plz don't ask what that Nagi thing was all about... ^_^;; Comments? Questions?? Threats to send me back to the drifting meteor I came from??? Plz review!!! I'm very shy and timid without support! Honest!