I stole the title from a Pedro Almodovar film. It was a gay film, but this
fic is Alucard x Integra or perhaps Integra x Alucard. I'm going to stop
now before the introduction gets longer than the fic.
The Law of Desire
There are many rules.
I must walk to the door and knock on it, never merely appearing in the room. I often think this is riskier, when the most basic rule would seem to be to not be discovered. But in this as in all things she is my master.
She answers the door tonight wearing her nightgown. When I enter the room I spend a few moments just looking at the way her hair falls against her and her unaccustomed vulnerability. I know her better than anyone, but I do not know why she reveals this only to me.
Sometimes I am playful with her, even aggressive, but I know today has been difficult for her and she is tired so I merely wait. Finally she reaches for my hand, and lifts it to her face. I begin to stroke her hair and back, hoping to relax her. I often think that I know what she is feeling, and I hope I am right now.
She puts her head against my chest and I wonder as I always do what she thinks of the coldness of my skin and my strange, sluggish hearbeat. But she has always known what I am.
Finally we kiss, and I try to convey all the ancient unnamed emotions that I must not speak out loud. I look into her eyes and she nods and kisses me again.
Then we are lying together and for a while the only rule is the law of desire. I allow myself to remember the first time, when it all began, then I allow myself to forget everything.
It is afterward, when I am holding her, that I am the most tempted to break the silence. I want to ask her if she wishes everything were different, if she wishes I could offer her what only an ordinary man can offer her. I want to tell her that when I leave I will wander back to my room confused and saddened again.
But I merely wait until she is asleep and slip away from her, hoping that soon she will once more press the note into my hand that reads only "Tonight."
The Law of Desire
There are many rules.
I must walk to the door and knock on it, never merely appearing in the room. I often think this is riskier, when the most basic rule would seem to be to not be discovered. But in this as in all things she is my master.
She answers the door tonight wearing her nightgown. When I enter the room I spend a few moments just looking at the way her hair falls against her and her unaccustomed vulnerability. I know her better than anyone, but I do not know why she reveals this only to me.
Sometimes I am playful with her, even aggressive, but I know today has been difficult for her and she is tired so I merely wait. Finally she reaches for my hand, and lifts it to her face. I begin to stroke her hair and back, hoping to relax her. I often think that I know what she is feeling, and I hope I am right now.
She puts her head against my chest and I wonder as I always do what she thinks of the coldness of my skin and my strange, sluggish hearbeat. But she has always known what I am.
Finally we kiss, and I try to convey all the ancient unnamed emotions that I must not speak out loud. I look into her eyes and she nods and kisses me again.
Then we are lying together and for a while the only rule is the law of desire. I allow myself to remember the first time, when it all began, then I allow myself to forget everything.
It is afterward, when I am holding her, that I am the most tempted to break the silence. I want to ask her if she wishes everything were different, if she wishes I could offer her what only an ordinary man can offer her. I want to tell her that when I leave I will wander back to my room confused and saddened again.
But I merely wait until she is asleep and slip away from her, hoping that soon she will once more press the note into my hand that reads only "Tonight."