You step by the window and carefully unlock it and open it slowly to just let in the cold air. You're surprised to feel the warmth of a summer's night. You've been in here for so long that winter and spring had come and gone. You wanted out of here.
But this is not where your story started. Let's take a few steps back _
You remember him specifically telling you that something like this was going to happen. It was a cool and clear night you remember it clearly because the power was out throughout the whole city and if you looked up at the sky you could see the stars shining just like they were before the city was built.
The both of you stood side by side on an abandoned building that used to be some sort of factory. You had a cigarette dimly lit in your hand and he had a almost empty bottle of booze that he took occasional sips from. The other two were off god knows where so that just left you and him staring at the vibrant moon and stars that illuminated the sky like fireflies stuck in the sky and can't escape.
"Ya know..', He says to you obviously drunk, with the strong stench of alcohol in his breath that makes your nose crinkle. He takes another swig from the bottle before he continues.
"Those things are gonna' kill ya' one day.", He slurs as he points to the small object in your hand. You remember rolling your eyes at his drunken stammering and put the cigarette in your mouth.
He scowls but says nothing next. If he was just drunk or didn't care you didn't know. Such a small object was not going to affect you. It was absolutely stupid, and despite the logic and facts you already knew about cigarettes you just couldn't find yourself to believe it. How could so much destruction be caused by something so small?
You look back on this encounter with your best friend now and wish that you had listened to him.
Everything seemed to slowly morph and play out from there.
You remember the day like it was yesterday although now it seems like it was years ago. It started off with you coughing really hard during breakfast. The cough was strange though. It didn't seem like it was just a regular cough caused by a cold. It made your chest hurt and your lungs ache. You still shrugged it off.
"What are ya' tryin' to do, hack up your lungs?", you remember him saying with his mouth full of sausage that you had made. You said nothing back and continued to flip more pancakes on the stove for Clubs.
Throughout the day the cough became a recurrence and appeared frequently. You took some cold medicine thinking that you had some sort of flu but the cough only seemed to get worse. Spades stared at you throughout the day like if he took his eyes off of you then you would explode. You just thought it was a cold and that he was acting ridiculous. It was just a cough that will go away like normal coughs do. You wished that you had been right.
Knowing your rotten luck the cough didn't go away. It followed you throughout your week, each coughing fit seeming longer than the last. To make matters worse Spades kept trying to (ELEPHANT) hover over you but it was obvious and annoying. The usual short and simple missions that he would assign to you he had gave to Hearts and Clubs. Pretty soon he hadn't really asked you to do anything that even had a scent of violence. It got on your nerves so much that you confronted Spades about it.
"Spades stop treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm perfectly capable of handling business as usual around here.", You said through gritted teeth. He scoffed and rolled his eyes dramatically.
"Like fuckin' hell ya' are!", He spat out. "I don't need ya' fuckin' getting shot because you can't spend five minutes without coughing. Get yourself fixed and then we'll talk.", He said while poking your chest and then turned around as if to say that he wasn't budging on the manor.
You didn't know what to say so you rolled your eyes and marched out of the room. Spades had been acting ridiculous. You weren't incompetent enough to allow a little cough to hinder your work. That's all it was. Just a little cough...
Two weeks in the "little cough" turned into something more. Your chest started throbbing even without the coughing to your surprise, the constant gnawing pain became something routine. Soon after your back decided to go against you too and started to ache. You stayed quiet though. God only knows what Spades would do if he found out. It was bad enough that he treated you like you were dying.
Then your breathing changed. The ache in your lungs accompanied with the constant coughing seemed to put a weight on your lungs and pretty soon it felt like you never got enough air. This was something that was difficult to hide from the rest of the crew, especially when you carried something heavy.
"Diamonds are you ok? Your breathing pretty loud.", You remember Clubs innocently asking with a gleam of worry in his eyes. He was helping you carry groceries and you were carrying a couple of heavy bags
"I'm perfectly fine Clubs.", You say, trying to keep the anger and annoyance out of your tone. You knew deep down that they were just concerned but you just couldn't understand why they didn't think you were ok. You were perfectly fine. All of these things were things that you could easily get rid of and if not you could just get used to it.
You wished Spades would understand that. He was the one hovering the most. He was doing it so much that he didn't even seemed to care when you noticed anymore. He knew something was seriously wrong and he couldn't understand why you didn't notice that something was wrong, why you kept constantly denying it even though it was clear as day.
Then one day things went horribly wrong. You were in your room, folding your clean laundry when you started to cough. You've gotten so used to the coughing fits that you didn't bat an eyelash until you realized that this one was different. It was longer, so long, you didn't have time to breathe. It felt like minutes before it subsided so that you can gasp in a few fleeting breaths before you blacked out. Your head swimmed and you felt like you were going to spew breakfast all over your carpet. You look down at the hand you were coughing into and your stomach feels like it just dropped. Blood. You had coughed up blood. Now it finally registers inside your brain.
There was something very wrong.
"Hey Diamonds?", Spades asked as he knocked on the door. You quickly cursed inside your head and hid the bloodstained hand beside your back.
"What?", You asked him as he entered your room, not having the energy to tell him to go away.
"Fuckin' christ you were coughing a while there. Thought you were dying or something", He said.
"Well I'm perfectly fine so get out of my room.", You said and you saw Spade's eyes narrow a bit in suspicion.
"Alright, but I'm takin' ya' to a doctor soon.", He said and left before you can respond. You knew that he knew that something was up and now you know that he is right. You're little fantasy of everything is ok was starting to crash around you. You realized that you were a fool You felt this odd feeling; you felt a little scared. You needed to stop your two packs a day habit before something in your lungs gets fucked up even worse. You knew this wasn't likely though. Smoking had become a habit to you, something you do daily. It was a coping mechanism; something to turn to when things got stressful. Right then things were very stressful.
You took a pack of cigarettes that lay on your dresser and put then in your pants pocket. You opened your door and poke your head out in the hallway. When you saw Spades no where near in sight you stepped out of your room and headed to the backyard where you could smoke your final cigarette in peace, or so you thought. Once you went outside in the chilly weather it was even harder to breathe. The cold air hurt your throat and when it went in your lungs it felt like you just swallowed acid. You thought about maybe going inside but you ignored it.
You shakily reached into your pocket and took out the pack of cigarettes. You take a single cigarette out. Something so small will never be able to hurt you. That's what you always had thought and that's what you felt at that moment. You take out your match and light the tiny killer. You put it in your mouth and inhaled the smoke like normally. Except it wasn't.
Except it was different. A lot different. As soon as you inhale the smoke you double over and cough uncontrollably. You try to intake air but your body is just not listening and continues to relentlessly cough up a mixture of crimson blood and mucus. No matter how much your lungs desperately ached for air your body your body continued to hack away. The red metallic liquid oozes over the corners of your mouth as you desperately tried to intake the cold air, not even caring how much it hurt your lungs before but you end up coughing even more. You start to feel hazy from the lack of air and your head, throat, and chest start to hurt. Especially your chest. It felt as if your lungs were slowly disintegrating inside of you. You were then laying on the cold ground, you hugged your knees up to your chest as the pile of blood and mucus continued to puddle into a huge mess that made the ground you were on look like a crime scene. You remembered thinking that it was going to be the end. Then he came.
"Diamonds, fuck it's cold out here.", Spades said with a slight shiver. You remembered the look of shock that plastered onto his face when you saw him look over to you through your hazy vision. He just stood there for a couple of seconds, not sure what to do. When he finally snapped out of it he ran over to you and knelt down to his knees.
"Fuck! Fuck! Diamonds, no don't you dare fuckin' close your eyes! Clubs! Hearts!", He desperately yelled as your eyelids began to feel like lead. He started to rub your back and eventually just started to hit it, trying desperately to stop the coughing. Your eyes began to water from the lack of oxygen and tears spilled out of your eyes.
"Fuck! Diamonds it's fine! You're not gonna' to die I promise!", Spades said with panic in his voice. He probably thought you were going to die. All on your mind on your mind at that moment was trying to get oxygen in your lungs. God damn it, you just wanted to breathe.
"Spades, we heard you yelling what-", Hearts said as he came running with Clubs behind him.
"D-Diamonds!", Clubs says with a gasp.
"Holy shit!", Hearts said as he took in the sight of the mighty Diamonds Droog hugging his knees and crying from lack of oxygen and spewing out blood and some mucus.
Spades decided to finally take action and picked up your shaking form and quickly went inside, not caring if his suit got blood or if the floors got mucus on them, if you would have died he wouldn't know what to do. He needed you and you needed him.
He carried you to his room and set you down on his bed, desperately hoping that the warmth of his bed would calm your cough and it actually kind of did. The warm air compared to the thin cold air outside seemed to cooperate better with your lungs and soon enough you're coughing finally ceased and you greedily took in air so fast that you felt like you might have coughed again but thankfully you didn't. Spades sighs out of relief.
"Thank fuckin' god!", He said with a small smile.
"Th-Thanks." You said shakily, you were trying to get enough air to make up for that three minute cough. You remember hating how vulnerable you looked. You always hated looking weak, especially in front of them.
"Holy shit, I'm just glad that you're not dead.", Spades said not even caring how sappy that sounded. He almost lost you there.
"Diamonds! Here, please drink this.", Clubs said as he ran in as fast as his short legs could go with a glass of water in his hands. The little guy was crying. You thankfully take the water and drink it all.
Then Hearts came in. He whispered something in Spade's ear and the next thing you knew Spades stomped over to you. He grabbed your blood soaked tie and started yelling at you.
"Spades calm down!", Hearts had said as he tried to get Spades to back off of you but Spades just pushed him away.
"No! This motherfucker decides to try and get himself killed just so he could have a quick smoke! I fucking told ya' these things were going to kill ya' one day! How far does your body need to go before you fucking reallize that it's fucking time to stop!", He yelled in your face. You stayed silent knowing that his words held some truth. You had coughed and coughed and hurt, yet still you continued the habit. He let out a sigh when he sees the slight look of shame on your face.
"Diamonds..look, I just don't want to lose ya'..Fuck, this team would be nothing without ya'. We'll take you to the hospital and everything will be fine, just you watch", He says and you just merely nodded feeling sick to your stomach. You knew that they were going to make you stay there for a long time and you weren't looking forward to it.
"You should get some rest.", He told you and then left the room quietly.
"G'night Droog. If you need anything, anything at all just ask me or the others ok?", Clubs said and Hearts nodded in agreement. You weakly nodded and Clubs sadly smiles as he and Hearts left the room.
Your head still hurted like hell and you just wanted to go to sleep to escape from the pain but the thought of you suffocating in your sleep kept you awake. What if you stopped breathing while you were sleeping? What if the blood caked in your throat dried up and blocked air from reaching your tattered lungs? These questions had made you stay up late despite your body screaming at you to close your eyes and get some rest.
You felt weak, embarrassed and most of all stupid which are three thing Diamonds Droog despises to be. Finally at about ten you couldn't take it anymore and you drifted off into a not so peaceful sleep.
You then woke up. It was eleven at night now. You only slept for an hour but it felt as if you got no sleep at all. You got up on your feet and wobbly walked to the door and turned the handle only to find that you were locked inside. Fucking Spades must have locked it. You really need a doorknob that locked on the inside.
For the next hour you're trapped in your own thoughts, thinking of how your life in 'confinement' would be like. People who were sick like you died in hospitals, this you knew well. What you had wasn't going to be some 1-2-3 easy fix. It was going to take weeks, months, or even years. You could be in a hospital all your life. Nobody visits a man on a death sentence. They might visit you the first few days and then the last few but that will most likely be it.
When the clock in the room struck twelve the door creaked open a bit and Clubs popped his head in, seeing if you were awake. When he saw you awake he smiled.
"Hey Diamonds, how are you feeling?", He asked hoping to spark a conversation.
"I'm fine.", You said calmly acting like you weren't coughing up a bunch of blood just about an hour ago. Clubs attempted to keep his smile up but it just fell.
"You know, you don't have to lie about your feelings all the time. I know you're hurting right now, Hearts told me so.", Clubs said sadly.. You were shocked about this absolutely out of character thing Club's just said but you say nothing back.
"Spades wants to see you in the meeting room. He and Hearts were arguing a lot. Hearts wants to take you to the hospital right now but Spades thinks we should wait a little.", Clubs says as he walks out of the room leaving the door unlocked before you could have said anything back to him. You just sighed and wobbly got on your feet again and stumbled out of the room, almost falling down in the process. You slowly walked down the hall with one hand on the wall for support. Your legs felt weak and chest still felt like it was on fire.
When you finally go to the "meeting room" which was where Spades would usually propose bullshit plans that never got used since you always came up with better ones, Hearts and Spades stopped their arguing.
"Hey Diamonds..we need to talk.", Spades said and you nod. You tried to walk into the room but you just end up tripping on air and almost falling. Luckily Spades catches you before your head met the ground and worsened your headache.
"Jeez, maybe asking ya' to walk here alone was a bad idea.", He said as he helped you into one of the chairs.
"I could walk on my own.", You said annoyed.
"Oh yeah, ya' clearly showed that ya' can walk by yourself without trippin' on fuckin' air.", He said as he rolled his eyes and sits in the chair next to you.
"So I've asked ya' to come so I can ask ya' some questions.", He said and you just nodded.
"How many times have you coughed up blood?", He asked
"Only that once", you say and he rolls his eyes once again.
"Bullshit! Tell me the truth Diamonds.", He said. He always seemed to know when you were lying, which was a rather rare occurrence.
"Twice.."
"And why the fuckin' hell didn't you tell me the first time?", Spades said sounding slightly hurt. You didn't respond. "Fuckin' answer me Diamonds!"
"Because this is why! I don't want you guys to view me as looking weak.", You said as you looked away.
"Diamonds...", He said completely surprised by your unusual outburst. "You're not fuckin' weak you moron, you're just sick. Tomorrow we're going to the hospital."
You sighed and put your face in your hands, tiredness seeping in. You got up from the chair and hobbled to you room, the faint voice of Spades calling your name sounding behind you as you left. You plopped down on your bed, not caring how utterly disheveled you looks as you drifted off to sleep.
You then woke up at about ten o'clock in the morning as usual. Since you were the one who always made breakfast you always had a habit of waking up early so you had time to prepare the meal while the others were still asleep so this left you surprised when you walked to the kitchen with less wobbly legs to see that Spades was there with what looked like delicious food.
"Hey, was waitin' for ya'", He said with a yawn.
"Did you make all of this?", you asked him with a raised eyebrow. Spades has never been a good cook. He always managed to burn his cereal, a feat only possible by him. He always said something about how it wasn't crispy enough.
"Of course I fuckin' did! I'm an excellent cook! Four star food you're eatin' here or maybe five-"
"Oh? Is that why there's a receipt in the trash that is from a restaurant?", You interrupted smugly.
"Shut up and eat."
You complied with his order and try to eat some of the food. It was difficult to eat and breathe at the same time though and you didn't feel hungry either so you just took small bites of your toast. Spades on the other hand sat down in the chair next to you and gobbled up his portion of food like a pig. After about three minutes Spades was done with his food and looked over to you and saw that you only ate half of you toast.
"Diamonds, are you gonna' bite the damn thing or are ya' gonna' continue to peck at it like a fuckin' bird?", He asked you.
"I'm just not that hungry..", You said honestly and Spades just nodded in understanding.
"Fine...you don't have to eat it if ya' don't want to but you better eat lunch and dinner.", He said and you felt an urge to roll your eyes but you don't. You knew that he was just worried.
You and Spades then put on your coats and go outside. The cold air makes you want to cough again but you hold it in. You don't want what happened yesterday to happen again. You and Spades go into one of the Crew's shared car.
"We're gonna go to the E.R", Spades said.
"It's not an emergency."
"Are you really gonna' tell me that what happened yesterday was not an emergency?", He said and you stayed quiet. You honestly didn't view it as an emergency, if it was wouldn't they have taken you to a hospital already? Spades just sighed and stepped on the pedal of the car and started driving to the hospital. The car ride was silent but you didn't mind because there was nothing to be said at that moment.
After about ten minutes Spades and you arrive at the Midnight City Hospital. Spades parked the car and the both of you hopped out.
"Shit, remind me that we're in lot 3D", He said as you both walked out of the parking lot.
"3D should be pretty simple to remember.", You said and he just responded with a 'shut up' when he realized.
When the two of you made it to the E.R you had an urge to smile when the lady at the desk was yelling at Spades for not bringing you in sooner.
"It's fine! Look he's still breathin'..I think.", He said and then turned to you. "Diamonds are ya' still breathin'?", He asked
"Kind of.", You answered truthfully.
"Better than nothing?", Spades says with a shrug.
"You should have brought him in sooner. Go sit down while I see what doctor you'll be assigned to.", The lady said as she tapped away on her computer. The both of nodded and the both of you sat down in the chairs nearby. After about five minutes of Spades grumbling about having to wait a doctor came.
"You must be Diamonds Droog?", He asked as he looked down at his clipboard. You nodded.
"Follow me.", He said and you and Spades followed him down the hall and into a small hospital room with white walls and a bed covered with a thin white cover and hard pillow.
"So.. . You're friend here has informed us of the unfortunate event yesterday.", He said "I'm going to ask you some questions and i just want you to answer them honestly."
He then asked you a series of questions. He started off with simple things like how old were you (39), how long has the coughing lasted (long enough), and then asked you about your symptoms and stuff like that. You answered all of the questions with no problem.
"Ok . We have a policy, well technically every hospital has this policy, that you have to wear these hospital garments since your clothes you have on now might be carrying germs.", He said as he got a neatly folded hospital gown (and get this, it was also white) out of one of the drawers in the room.
"No way.", You immediately said. Not only were you offended at the notion that your clothes might hold germs but you definitely were not wearing anything like that. You couldn't even wear fucking pants for god sake!
"Well you have to.. I don't want to have someone come in here and force you into the garment.", He said.
"Diamonds stop being a fuckin' baby and put the damn dress on", Spades said as he shoved the hospital gown towards you.
"It's not a dress..", The doctor said.
"Well it sure looks like one.", Spades deadpanned.
"Well..anyways I'll give you time to change.", The doctor said.
After the doctor left the room you sighed and looked over to Spades. Spades turned away, thankfully respecting your privacy. You reluctantly slipped out of your precious suit and slowly took your beloved hat off. You didn't know how you were going to last long without the hat or even the suit. You had put on the hospital gown after a long minute.
"Done.", You said and Spades looked over to you and smiled.
"I doesn't look that fuckin' bad!" Spades said but you knew he was lying. Without your suit or hat you're a mess.
You sat down next to Spades and he quirked his eyebrow.
"Ya' ok..?", He asked. Spades was never good at cheering people up so you were happy that he was trying his best at least.
"I'm fine.",You said and he just nodded in understanding. If you didn't want to say anything then you didn't have to. That's one thing you like about Spades. Sometimes he knows when someone doesn't want to talk. It's a mutual understanding you and him had. After a while the doctor finally came. Nothing much to explain in great detail, he just checked your temperature, looked inside your ears and mouth, and listened to your heart. He also checked your blood pressure which he said was a little higher than usual and Spades just snickered. Then he pulled out needle.
"Now this is just going to hurt a bit.", He said as he inched toward you.
"No way.", You said and Spades just rolled his eyes. "C'mon, stop being a big wimp"
You just sighed and let the doctor stuck the needle into your thin arm. The needle collected some of your blood.
"I'll be right back.", the doctor said as he took his clipboard and blood sample and left the room.
"Didn't know you were scared of needles Diamonds.", Spades said with a snicker which you just respond with a middle finger.
The two you sat in silence. A major part of you was still in denial, foolishly believed that nothing was wrong and that pretty soon everything will just go back to normal. Spades had stared at you while you were trapped in your inner thoughts, trying to decipher what you might be thinking of. After a while he looked away and gave up on trying to figure out what you were excogitating and to think himself.
After about thirty minutes of small talk on missions and a comfortable silence, the doctor comes back in the room with another needle in his hand and snapped both of you out of your individual thoughts.
"Sorry for taking so long.",The doctor apologized and Spades had just rolled his eyes while muttering a 'Took ya' fuckin' long enough'.
"What's the needle for?",Spades asked while he pointed to the medical device.
"Well we suspect that your friend here might have some sort of chronic lung disease but in order to see what type it is or if he even has one at all I'll need to perform a biopsy." The doctor said. "I just need to inject the needle into your friend's chest and get a piece of his lung with the needle.",The doctor added as Spade's confused look showed that he didn't know what a biopsy was. You hated how the doctor talked to Spades like you weren't even there but you held back the comment. You were more concerned about a needle going into your chest more at that current moment. You knew that you had no say in the matter though.
You let out a slightly annoyed sigh as Spades puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder knowing that you didn't like the idea but who the hell would like the idea of a needle touching their lung anyway?
The doctor lifted up your shirt after you give a slight nod to confirm that you were ready and disinfected a part of your chest. You honestly felt uncomfortable and exposed and Spade's smirk didn't help at all. It didn't hurt really at all when the needle first punctured your skin but as it went deeper in your body it started to hurt. You held back a gasp as you felt the needle poke your vital organ. It was extremely uncomfortable and you just wanted it to end. When the doctor finally got out the needle he smiled.
"You see? It wasn't that bad was it?", He asked with a smile. 'Yeah it was worse.',You had thought but didn't respond back. His smile faltered when he received silence.
"I just got to go really quick but i'll be back in a while.",The doctor said as he shuffled out of the room. When he left you let out a sigh you hadn't realized that you were holding. Spades looked over at you and smiled with his sharp teeth.
"Did it hurt?", He asked. You shook your head and he nodded in understanding his smile falling a bit. Both of you knew that that was a lie. The both of you stayed in silence again. You couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be a regular occurrence. You felt that you should've said something to break the silence but you honestly didn't have anything to say.
After a while you started to cough. Spades quickly looked over at you as your cough quickly turned worse. As soon as that familiar crimson liquid came out of your mouth as you uncontrollably coughed he was by your side, rubbing your back.
"Fuck! Not again! It's fine just get it all out, it's fine", Spade's said as he tried to desperately stop you excessive coughing. He acted as if he didn't stop the coughing then you would've died and at the time you actually wondered if he thought that was true. Three long minutes pass and nothing had changed. No matter how hard you tried the coughing wouldn't stop. You eventually close your eyes, your lungs hurting from oxygen deprivation, your throat hurting from the blood that started to dry in the inside of your throat. You heard Spades desperately trying to call your name as everything goes black.
You groaned as you kept your eyes closed. Your throat hurt and you felt like gagging at the familiar metallic taste in your mouth. Your head pounded and you couldn't remember anything. You slowly opened your eyes, blinking a few times to get them adjusted to the bright light above you. As soon as you saw the white ceiling above you you remembered everything. You were still in that damn hospital. You looked down at yourself and saw that you had an irritating IV in your arm. You put your left hand on the IV, about to the yank the thing out when a hand stops you.
"Hey that's important or something." You looked to the side and mentally cursed yourself for not even noticing that Spades was sitting on the chair beside your bed the whole time.
"How long was I asleep?", You asked.
"Two whole days.."
"Were you sitting in that chair the whole time?.."
"Yeah", he said but he didn't even have to. You saw the dark bags under his eyes. You frowned a bit. "Go home and sleep.."
He sighs. "Fine,fine I will fuckin' bossy pants but..I have to tell ya' somethin' first..",Spades said trailing off a bit.
"What?", You asked. Something had to be wrong if Spades was struggling to tell you. He's always been a straightforward man. Blunt and up-front he usually held nothing back but right now he looked crushed.
"Diamonds...You might be here for a while-"
"I figured that."
"Shut up and listen",he said seriously and you stayed quiet. The air seemed to have gone stiff.
"Diamonds they said it's rare to have this disease that ya' have since you're not that old. They think that it was caused by your chronic smoking..", He says as he hesitantly put a conforming hand on your shoulder.
"You have small-celled lung cancer Diamonds..."
"Lung cancer..", You repeated like an echo, still in a daze by the news. He nods slowly.
Lung cancer. You knew it was one of the possible side effects of smoking. You knew it in your gut all along ever since you stepped foot in the hospital. You knew but you denied it. And he knew too. He had told you, and he might've been drunk and probably doesn't even remember it now but he told you that those things would kill you but you didn't listen. Now that these facts were right in front of your face you wanted to continue to deny them, act like it wasn't real but this was all real and you couldn't change it. Not then, not now, not ever. To bad it took you a while to understand.
"Diamonds..", He said and you avoided his gaze, afraid that if you looked at him and he saw the fear in your eyes your stoic composure that you had always upheld would shatter into pieces.
"It's gonna' be fine..",He said as he tried to think of something comforting to say. Spades wasn't that experienced in comforting people, hell you were surprised he was even trying.
"Before ya' know it you'll be home with the crew again.",Spades said with a slight smile and you just nodded while you still avoided his gaze. "The crew will be with ya' every fuckin' step of the way. I'll be here. I promise." You just nodded again.
"Oh yeah, the fuckin' doctor wants ya' to eat this food.",Spades says as he picked up a tray of food from the nightstand and put it in your lap.
"Bon appetite'",Spades says as he tried to cheer you up and handed you a plastic spork. You sighed but took the spork nonetheless and inspected the food on the tray. The food consisted of watery mashed potatoes and a small rectangular piece of meat that looked like very dry meatloaf.
"Pfft, I could cook better than that crap!",Spades said as he looked at the food on the tray and you rolled your eyes as a hint of smile formed on your face. The food looked bad but not even close to that bad. You sighed as you put the tray back on the nightstand not even attempting to eat anything on the tray.
"C'mon Diamonds ya' gotta' eat. You're already skinny enough",Spades said as he lifted up your thin arm for emphasis.
"I'm not hungry..",You said truthfully. You didn't feel like eating at the time..it didn't help that you were nauseous from the very idea of having lung cancer. You just didn't feel like swallowing anything, except water. You looked around to see if there was any water that went along with your food and sure enough a glass of water was on the nightstand. You got the glass of water and drank the whole cup, trying to get the taste of blood out of your mouth.
Spades sighed as you place the empty glass back on the nightstand.
"Ya' should eat better Diamonds. You're not gonna get better if you're gonna' eat nothin'", Spades said.
"I'll eat tomorrow..", You reassured him and he nodded, taking your word.
Spades was about to say something else but got cut off as the same doctor from the other day walked in.
"Hello sir I'm glad to see that you're awake.",The doctor said with a small smile. You nod in response as you realized that you don't remember the doctor's name. You thought about maybe asking him what his name was but you thought that it might be rude to do so and you found yourself not caring.
"Well...You have small-celled lung cancer as your friend might've told you but don't worry! Here at the Midnight Hospital you'll be walking out of here healthy in no time!",The doctor said.
"How long?..", You asked
"How long what?",The doctor asked.
"How long am I going to be here?", You asked. The doctor fidgeted a little as you and Spades looked at him waiting for a response.
"Well you see you're kind of in stage four with your lung cancer and it might take a couple of years, two at the least for the recovery process to be over but-"
You didn't listen after that. You had stage four small-celled lung cancer. You were going to be here for two years. You were going to die.
You let all that information seep into you as the doctor is rambling about your treatment options and chemotherapy but you didn't listen. Spades seemed surprised to by the information also.
It didn't matter what the doctor was saying about how the chemotherapy will stop the cancer cells from spreading or how he'll make sure your stay comfortable. No, it didn't matter because both of you knew one thing that the doctor was avoiding to say.
Your survival rate was slim.
You start to feel tired again. Your eyelids drooped and your head felt fuzzy. Spades looked over at you and saw that you were tired.
"Go ahead and go to sleep.",He said as he smiled a bit. You nodded, too tired to protest and you closed your eyes and drifted away into a dark sleep.
You woke up and looked at the white ceiling above you. You cursed as you saw that the irritating IV was still in your arm. You thought about yanking it out but you know that Spades would kick your ass if you did.
You looked at the nightstand and saw that a new tray of food was set on it. The tray consisted of french toast sticks and strawberries. You didn't feel that hungry but you knew you had to at least eat something so you started to nibble on a french toast stick. Ten minutes later you only managed to eat half of one of the small sticks. You loved french toast but the idea of having to stay in this hospital depleted your hunger.
You looked at the empty chair next to you and can't help but feel a bit lonesome. You hoped Spades was getting some rest like you had told him to. Your thoughts had started to drift off and you were wondering what the crew was up to. You mused to yourself as you thought of them trying to cook their own food. The house was going to be a mess when you came back..if you ever came back.
You let out a sigh as you felt boredom stir inside of you. You already missed your hat and your suit. Hell, you missed fucking everything but you knew you weren't going to see any of it for a very long time. After an hour of just you in your thoughts the same doctor comes in with a shot in his hand.
"It's time for your first chemotherapy."
The next morning you woke up to see another tray of food by your bedside but you didn't bother attempting to even try eating any of it this time due to the nausea that plagued you. You sat up. You were not ready for another day at this hospital. You didn't bother looking up as you heard the door open and shut as someone walked in. You expected it to be just another doctor so you were surprised when Spades sat down in the chair next to your bedside.
"What's wrong?", He asked, immediately noticing that something was up.
"Nothing.", You responded back in a monotone voice.
"What happened?", He asked.
"...I had chemotherapy yesterday."
Spades muttered curses at himself under his breath. "God dammit, I'm sorry I wasn't-"
"No it's fine. I told you got some rest.",You said sincerely.
"Ya' wanna' talk about it?",Spades asked. You shake your head. You never were a person that shared his emotions.
"Fine...",He says and you're grateful that he dropped the subject or so you thought. The both of you sat together in silence. You eventually smoothed out your hair out of habit and your eyes widened as you felt a bunch of hair fall off. How could you have been so stupid? You lose hair after chemotherapy. You lost your suit and your hat and now this?
You let out an unintentional shaky sigh as you felt unwelcomed tears build up in your eyes. Diamonds Droog does NOT cry, well at least out of emotion, but at the time it felt if that rule might change.
Spades noticed your eyes get shiny from tears. You expected him to tell you to man up or stop acting like a baby but..he did neither of those things. He put a hand on your shoulder and said "Talking will help."
You looked at him and realized that he wasn't giving you a choice right now so you just decided to go along with it, hoping that you didn't look weaker than you already felt.
"Spades...My head is constantly hurting and so is my chest. My fucking hair is falling out and I'm still coughing up blood. Don't you see Spades? I'm going to die. I'm just going to rot away here. Why don't you just put a bullet in my head and save your time-" You stopped talking as you felt a sudden sharp pain on your cheek. You look at him surprised and his eyes were filled with anger. He slapped you.
"Don't ya' ever fuckin' dare say anything like that again! You're important to me and I will never let you die!,He yelled.
You then felt something run down your cheeks. Tears. Spades sighed sadly as he snapped out of his anger and gently wiped the tears away with his hand.
"Hey don't cry..Things will get better and your hair will grow back soon.", He said as he embraced you in a hug. Your cheeks heated up from embarrassment. You couldn't believe that you were showing that much emotion. This was probably the most emotion you've ever showed. After five minutes of you crying in his arms you finally stopped.
"Ya' feel better now?", Spades asked with a slight smile.
"I...I actually kind of do.", You said. It felt like a lot of things were off your shoulders now and you honestly felt a lot better.
"Told ya' so!", He said with a grin but his grin fell as soon as he saw the full tray still on the nightstand, untouched.
"Why the fuck aren't ya' eatin'?",Spades asked.
"Haven't been feeling hungry lately."
"Ya' look like a fuckin' twig. Ya' need to eat Diamonds.", He pleaded.
You didn't see a problem here. If you were not hungry, why would you eat? But you knew that he wasn't going to let this go so you might as well have get it out of the way. You slowly lifted up your arm and grabbed the spork. You looked at Spades and cursed at him inside your head as you saw that he was watching your every movement. You were hoping that you could drop some of the food in the garbage can located at your bed side but it seemed like that wouldn't be possible when Spades was watching you like a hawk.
"Diamonds I'm not gonna' turn the other way so you can throw it all away", he stated and you just slightly glared at him. God dammit Spades knew you too well sometimes. You slowly scooped up some of the scrambled eggs on the tray and put them on your mouth. You slowly chewed them as you registered the horrible taste and swallowed thickly, almost gagging as the went down your throat.
"See, that wasn't that hard!",Spades said with a knowing grin as he clapped his hand on your back. You just rolled your eyes in amusement.
After a full hour of Spades watching you slowly eat the food on the tray was halfway eaten...more or less. You feel nauseous as you held back the urge to vomit. Diamonds Droog does not vomit but then again, a lot of things changed in those days.
"Good job Droogy! I knew ya' could do it!",Spades said as he patted your head.
"Shut up.", You said with a slightly annoyed tone.
Spades laughed at the annoyance on your face. He stopped laughing then as if he just remembered something.
"Oh yeah, Clubs and Hearts wanted me to give this to ya", Spades said as he pulled out what looked like a handmade card that has a drawing of four people drawn in crayon. If you were someone else you would have looked at the drawing and thought it was just scribbles, but you were Diamonds Droog and you have seen one of Club's drawings he does almost everyday. At least you used to. The drawing was of the crew and each one of them had a smile on their face in the picture, including you. In sloppy handwriting the words "Get Well Soon!" were placed on the top.
You opened the card and read two notes that were in the card. One was written in sloppy handwriting and had many misspelled words and the other was written in fairly nice handwriting and didn't have any misspelled words.
The card went like this:
"Deer Diamonds,
Spades told me you are veerry sick and you mite not be home for a wile.. I reely do miss you! I hope you get beter soon and mak shure to get lotz of wrest! Oh and don't forget to eat helthy foods!
-Clubs
"Hey Diamonds,Spades told me you got cancer. We both decided not to tell Clubs..you know how he gets when we tell him bad news. I hope ya get better. Spades has been moody while you're gone and his cooking sucks too. I'm not sure what goes on in that head of yours since you're never sharing anything with us but make sure to stay positive and don't freak out about being bald. I'll tell ya what, as soon as ya come out of the hospital we'll all go out drinking at the bar, my treat!
-Hearts"
You smiled softly at the card for a second but the smile vanished as fast as it came. You really were lucky to have great friends. You stared at the card for a minute happy to see a drawing of Club's. You guessed he was getting kind of better although he still couldn't color in the lines. You put the card positioned on the nightstand and looked at Spades.
"Don't worry, they're gonna' come visit ya' after they finish a mission they're on. They should be back soon.", Spades told you and you nodded back in understanding. The trade they did was busy. You were surprised that Spades had found all this time to still see you.
"Spades...When you get back home go in my room and read the cookbook in the bookshelf. You should be able to find it.", You said remembering what Heart's said in the letter.
"I'm not reading a whole book, who the hell do ya' think I am?", Spades said with a scoff.
"You don't have to. I just feel bad for Clubs and Hearts who have to eat your horrible cooking"
He scowls, a bit offended since he always believed that his cooking was good no matter how many times you and the rest of the crew told him otherwise. He then rolled his eyes with a slight grin on his face.
That whole week went by like that. Spades visited you each and every day and even spent the whole night with you, sitting in the uncomfortable chair. The chemotherapy continued everyday also unfortunately. Sores started developing in your mouth from it and it only took a couple of days for your hair to be completely gone. You felt slightly embarrassed inside about being bald.
When you mentioned it to Spades he would just roll his eyes and tell you that you looked fine. "You're still handsome Droogy!", He would say. Each time he said that though you didn't believe it. You guess that he got pretty tired of your complaining because after a couple of days he came to visit you with a surprise.
"Here.", He said as he handed you a box that was wrapped poorly in blue wrapping paper.. You knew that it wasn't Christmas since it had passed before you were admitted into the hospital.
"What is it?", You asked as you inspected the box, shaking it a bit to try and see what noise the item inside made.
"That's for you to find out!",He said with a grin. You gave him a confused look and he sighed.
"Just fuckin' open it!"
You complied with his demand and neatly took off the pieces of tape and unwrapped the box slowly, revealing a very small smile as you heard Spades grumble about you being too slow. When you finally opened the box your eyes widened slightly in surprise.
Your hat. Your beloved hat was in the box.
You literally had to keep from grinning as you took the hat out of the box and placed it on your head. It was back where it belonged.
"Make sure not to wear it when the doctors come in or they'll just take it, them bastards saying you can't have any articles of clothing on from the outside..",Spades grumbled and then he looked at you and just stared. You looked back and looked into his eyes, confused at this strange glint of emotion in his eyes.
Was it...fear? But fear of what? You were interrupted from your thoughts when Spades suddenly hugged you.
"God dammit Diamonds! You better not fuckin' die on me ok?", He said suddenly and you nodded. You wouldn't die, he still needed a minute he let go and sat back down. The both of you then started talking like nothing happened. Like everything was normal.
The next day was the day that sense of normality was shattered though. After a simple test of the doctor weighing, measuring, and inspecting the doctor didn't utter a word about your current state to you. He just wrote everything down on his clipboard and asked a few questions.
"I'll be right back..", the doctor said as he left the room and went into the hallway. You presumed that he had told something to Spades because you hear a "What?" yelled from the hallway where Spades was sitting, waiting for the checkup to be over. You heard a bunch of talking but couldn't quite make it out.
"Damn it Diamonds!",Spades yelled as he slammed open the door. You were startled by the sudden noise but Spades didn't care.
"Tell me why the fuck you aren't eating!",Spades demanded. You looked down. Yeah you weren't eating that much, throwing away the food when Spades went to the bathroom or went home but it wasn't your fault. You start to feel really nauseous when you eat.
"Diamonds!", Spades said again waiting for your response.
"Spades I'm not anorexic I just don't ever really feel hungry. Always feels like I'm going to throw up..",You responded and he just let out a sigh.
"Droog..You're 18 pounds underweight..I'm going to have to make sure you eat now or else they're gonna hook you up to a tube..",Spades said as he sat next to you on the hospital bed. You nodded but felt horrible. You honestly didn't realize what you were doing to yourself and now you were burdening Spades. You honestly felt completely useless.
"I just care about ya' Droog...If you want to get better then you're going to have to start eating ok? Even if the food fucking sucks and you feel awful.", He said and you nodded in response.
So after that day you were stuck eating half a tray of that disgusting slop the hospital called food. Spades once pushed it up to two thirds of each tray but that managed to make you vomit the first try. Everything seemed like it was starting to look up, that maybe you weren't actually going to die, that everything will magically go back to normal until Spades gave you the news. He ran into the room and seemed to be in a frantic state.
"Diamonds I got something to tell ya..",Spades began and you nodded, signaling him to go on.
"I gotta' go help Clubs and Hearts with that mission..I'll be back in a week at the most."
"Is everything ok?",You asked and he nodded back quickly. Something was wrong.
"Take care of yourself ok?", Spades asked and you nodded. He smiled. What the hell was going on that day?
"Spades..I know I never said this but...thank you for everything.", You said and for a second he seemed surprised but he quickly shook it off.
"Ya' shouldn't thank me for anything now. Thank me when you're better." See ya' in a week.", Spades said with a small smile and there he was, running out of the room in a big hurry. You remember sitting there, wondering what just happened. Wondering where he was off to and why. You looked to the tray on the side and threw the food away. You weren't so hungry.
Its funny how loneliness feels. You didn't feel it until after eight days. Spades didn't come back after a week. You quickly shrugged this off as him just being busy or maybe even tired from this mission he went on but after another week passed you knew it was something more.
Weeks turned into months. Four months to be exact. You were still in the extensive stage of your cancer, you were even more underweight, and you were having more bloody coughing fits. In other words you were still dying. It felt like you days were drying up.
You no longer had a good night's sleep. Nightmares of the crew dying or even worse...nightmares of them saying that they've given up on you and that you were useless plagued your sleep until you were too scared to close your eyes. You thought it was childish really, but it just gnawed inside of you relentlessly. You would just stare at the white ceiling all night trying desperately not to think of them never coming back but when you're in a small room, not allowed to get up not thinking about something important to you becomes rather hard.
So you wanted to go.
You wanted to escape the hospital, try to find Spades and the crew and face the truth if they don't like you anymore. These blank white walls surrounding you have become a cell and you want out. You made plans of escaping in your head morning and night but the real question was; Would you really do it?
Of course you did. You will.
There. That's the backstory. Now back to you by the window. You continue to look out the window. You were never really supposed to go by the window. Not only was it far from the bed which would require you to get up but the doctors are always afraid about the sick people trying to commit suicide. You don't wish to commit suicide though. You just want to see them again, make sure they're ok. You promised yourself you would come back to the hospital after you did, no matter how awful it was.
You put your foot out of the window and place it on the branch of the near by tree, planning to use it to climb down. But where would you go after that? The base? What if they're not there? You shake your head. You'll make the plans after you get down.
"Diamonds? What the fuck are you doing?", A familiar voice asks you.
You attempt to turn around but you forgot about your foot on the branch and you fall forward, hitting your head on the tree branch hard and then suddenly you're falling.
In these moments you know that you're on the fifth story floor so you're going to die and you accept that. Not necessarily the way you planned to die but you were going to die anyways weren't you? But..what about Spades?..You promised him. You didn't get to tell him something very important.
You have no time to think anymore though because suddenly your body collides with the concrete ground and your vision goes black.
But before you closed your eyes you heard your name being called and you smiled knowingly at who's voice that was.
Spades...