author's note: tri is obviously sinking my ship and i'm not okay with it so here's the product of my anguish.
her
everything is dark, but i can still see.
he's on top of me, again, like usual, sucking tender pink spots into the white skin of my neck. i'm naked under him, vulnerable as always, the object of and subject to his desire. this has been the arrangement for a while now-we fuck and fall asleep and forget about it in the morning until we find ourselves doing it again. and i like it-i like him. he's my best friend and exceptionally attractive and sexually aggressive-how could i ever turn his body down? i could never.
but something is different tonight. he's hitting it right, his firm fingers and warm mouth exactly where i like them to be-but something is different. am i getting bored, are his rough hands and soft mouth getting predictable? or am i becoming uncomfortable by this loveless indulgence in sexual gratification? no, he's still absolutely unreal and i am still very morally okay with how good he gets me off.
"you okay?" he whispers, noticing my pause.
"yeah," i say, "keep doing what you're doing."
he obeys, dipping his head back between my pallid thighs.
i inhale heavily, exhaling. i try to relax into the spectacular blow job i'm currently receiving, but i can't seem to find that happy sensory blankness i'm use to falling into. i'm on edge now, unsure and becoming uneasy by my lack of enthusiasm.
he's still working his magic though, and my body doesn't care about my brain. pressure is building inside me and i'm not quite ready yet to let it go.
"taichi-" i whisper, pushing my fingers through his wild hair. "stop-"
he follows my command and slides me out of his hot mouth. it's beautiful, really, and those red, wet lips of his are often the subject of my late night fantasies when he's not there.
he grins and crawls over me, lean body glittering with sweat. "ready for more?"
"i want you," i whisper, pulling him down for a kiss.
he doesn't waste any time, and soon i feel his warm fingers carefully press inside me. though this sensation is nothing new, i let out a small noise of discomfort. he holds still and i adjust. i breathe and relax my body in anticipation of what's next. i'm ready; i want it. i know he does too because i can feel him trembling and he moves over me. he hesitates, and then pushes. when he enters me, i cry out louder, and he pauses again, letting the hot flash of pain subside. then he moves, and we move together, and i can't imagine anything feeling better than this. it's white hot and electric and tight and oh, no matter how many times i feel it it feels like i've never felt it before.
but then, suddenly, i don't want to be the one being filled anymore. i want to do the filling. i want to be the one to give myself to someone-and not just anyone-i want to give myself to her. but it's good, it's so good, and he is still wildly sexy and masculine and all the things that bring heat to my surface-still, i want her. i close my eyes and imagine if she were me and i were in his place, what it would be like to be the one to cause her undoing. i imagine what she would look like, her pink hair draped around the pillow like silk, eyelashes fluttering, cheeks flushed, lips parted, breath hot-and the sound she would make as i tipped her over the edge-
my mind blanks as i suddenly come, spilling myself white and hot across my skin. he follows my lead and releases inside me, and i hold tight to his shoulders as he gives me everything he has, push after push after push until he slows and we fall into the sweaty sheets.
i listen to him catch his breath and think about what i've done.
her, my mind beats, the afterglow of orgasm still pulsing with desire. her. her. her. you don't want him, you want her.
"fuck, koushiro," he says, curling up next to me. he's naked and warm and beautiful but i can't see it anymore. "you never stop surprising me."
"yeah," i say, closing my eyes and thinking about what i've done. "me, too."