Hello everyone! It seems, like many others here, I have an addiction to Jackie Chan Adventures. This…somewhat disturbs me, but I feel better knowing that two of my siblings like watching it too. In fact, just now, the youngest wanted to know when it's on. I had to tell him that it was a quarter past Nine in the morning on a Saturday, so he had no help there. (Here in Australia, the series is played at 8:30 in the morning every weekday on Cheez TV)
ANYWAY, I have seen little of the series, but, as usual, I've become very attached to Valmont. What is this with the villains having white hair? Sephiroth, Thanos Averroës, Kain, etc….geez! But anyway, he's possessed by a dragon, which I thought was excellent, he's British which is even better (Yea, I am too!) and is not in complete control of his body for better reasons then most. *Perverted grin*
To make this long and overbearing introduction short, after reading fiction here (and consequently getting very scared) I decided, what the hell. I wanna write JCA fiction! So where to start? I wanted to write about a new demon (Lu-Tze, demon of Time) but instead, last night, I had a wonderful vision of Valmont, late night, at a bar. Thus of course, Misery loves Company came into existence. Probably out of character, but they're drunk, so there. ;p THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER (Very sad, *sniff*) DRINKING FICTION HERE!! It was written before I saw it. I took it down when I realised what had happened…whoops…
Oh, and yeah, I found out about the whole Valmont name thing. Well, sorry, but he doesn't look like a Christopher (That's my brother's name, ew) and nor does he look like a Nicolas. So he's stuck with Sebastian. No, he doesn't have a rabid step sister, but I'm pretty sure he has a nice car. The similarities end there.
Hey, it might sound serious, but if you've read my previous works…well…'nuff said :)
Misery Loves Company
A fic to amuse, annoy and infuriate!
(Besides, we get to find out about Shendu's sex-life!)
~ atkinson/plink
Harry Thomas was a big guy. There was no getting around the fact that while other men were born, Harry was constructed in a shipyard. He was a nice guy really – they are for the most part, understand – and his bar tended to be quiet. This wasn't the Cheers style bar, but it was one that was more modern and fresh according to its outlook on drunks. Namely they weren't mugged a few steps from the door, and no one nicked the shoes.
More to the point, Harry had been staring at the gentlemen who had come in around half an hour ago.
He was used to the kind of man who would drink to forget. But this one was drinking to die. He was, in fact, arranging the glasses into a pleasing arrangement while talking in a strange hissing voice. Very different from the voice he'd used when ordering.
Harry knew he was British, you could tell from the accent, but what else about the white haired man, he did not know.
Maybe that was a good thing.
Shaking himself up a little, he stopped thinking about the glow of the man's eyes and concerned himself with cleaning the glasses to the other patrons. Happy hour was always so damn busy, but it bought in heaps of cash. Another person ordered, and Harry Thomas passes out of our view and lets us concentrate on the character you're all here to see…
~*~
…It's unfair I tell you. Shendu lamented. It was all very well and good that he'd protested a 'drink after work', but the fire demon was well and truly pickled. This…this Chan bastard…he always…I mean…
"Screws everything up?" He'd been trying to get drunk to forget, to be able and relax, but one thing had led to another. Sebastian Valmont took another sip of his vodka and coke in between Shendu's stream of melancholy. The alcohol usually bought out the rarely seen suicidal Valmont, but instead had made him strangely buoyant, and it was having the same effect on the fire dragon.
They were drinking to celebrate the umpteenth time they had been defeated by Jackie Chan, the little brat Jade, the old guy known only a Uncle and the big traitorous bugger Tohru. The Enforcers had been sent home, and Valmont had sidled out promising Shendu he wouldn't be very long. Just a couple of drinks he said. That's all.
Valmont didn't have an alcohol problem. It was just to sit and reflect. Yes, he'd had one, and then, well…Shendu had joined in. Alcohol was really loosening his tongue. He'd gone about how hard it was being the smallest of the demons, and having them all gang up on him and do horrible things to him. Quite amusing really, in a sad, pathetic way. Everyone always forgot his birthday (Valmont was no stranger to that) and he never got a date. Ever.
He felt sorry for the dragon after the first lager. Two more had followed, and slowly, he was starting to realise that there was going to be trouble later on, oh yes. Oh me oh my.
The bar keep kept serving them. He wasn't asking questions, and soon enough had to deal with a guy who was dancing on the tables behind them…
Shendu thumped the bar. S'not like he's a real sorcer…sor…magic man!! He is…goddamn… whatchamacallit…
Valmont smiled into space as the alcohol drowned his brain and waved a hand about. "Arch…archeolo…guy who digs up…ah…shit."
Yes! In more ways than one! Anyway, why does he have to ruin our plans? Shendu sighed. Another tequila, thanks…
"Steady on. I know this is happy hour, but honestly…"
I've only had two.
"Yeah, but do you know what it does to people? I'll be dead before I'm 40."
Think I care?
"You will when there's no one to help you."
Silence for a moment, and Valmont grinned.
Touché.
"Oh, I know you love me. Deep in that scaly heart of yours."
Fuck off.
"Make me."
There was a grunt from deep inside his head, and the impression that Shendu had fallen over. Too funny in the head. …Why is there a worm in the bottle? Can I flame it? He asked, changing the subject.
"I don't know. We could always ask it. And no, you promised no setting fire to things."
Fine. But are you serious about the worm?
"Makes more sense then talking to a disembo…to a voice in my head. I mean, I'm possessed by an immortal dragon spirit, and you think talking to a worm is weird?"
You make dis…disturbing sense some times. A cautious finger poked the bottle. Hey wormy-wormy, whatcha doin'? Shendu sighed. Think it's dead. What do you reckon?
"Prob'ly, considering the alcohol level in that." Valmont snorted with laughter. "I'm going to be as sick as a dog tomorrow. Prob'ly have to call in sick."
When Shendu spoke again, he was somewhat reserved. Sick?
"Yeah, you don't think people get this pissed every day? Makes us very sick. Not just the day after, but, but, later on in life."
Oh, so that's what you meant. Right. Why?
"Something about liver damage."
Ew. Icky human stuff. Right, whatever, now on to tomorrow…
"If you wake up first, don't be alarmed, just head straight to the bathroom."
No. I hate the toilet, it's disgusting-
"Just wait till you experience what's actually going to happen." Valmont replied, evilly. He felt the dragon rifle through his memory and come back suitably disgusted.
You're kidding, right?
"Nope."
You're enjoying this.
"That a crime?"
I'm not sure. Shendu stretched, and Valmont revelled in the sensation of it, and then the dragon temporarily pushed away the fogginess of the booze to be able to function until further notice, like when he wasn't concentrating. Why is the right pocket of your trousers vibrating?
Valmont shook his head, thankful to be coherent again. "I set the mobile to silent function."
Shendu sighed wistfully. You could have a lot of fun with that.
"Yeah, but not now, you dirty bastard." Valmont clumsily poked the buttons to see the text message of:
Shndde, where R U?
"Aww, they're worried about you. How sweet."
I wanna puke.
"Tomorrow. You can do that all you want."
Since when is it me handling the nasty stuff?
"We flipped a coin, remember? You've had three lagers, two and a half tequilas, and I know that you had some red wine when we got in. I've had a vodka and coke. I don't drink alcohol normally."
Is that why we feel like shit?
"Yah."
Silence. A moment's reflection. Prank calls. I heard Finn talking about prank calls.
"Don't change the subject."
Can if I want to. Sulked the dragon. I wanna prank call someone!
"You child. No wonder the others don't like you! Ye Gods I feel sick."
Please don't go there. Shendu's voice sounded different. Please.
"Family trouble?"
Yes.
"Can I ask an embarrassing personal question?"
Hmm…I'm feeling in the mood…just don't take advantage of me.
"How, pray tell, would I do that?"
Ah…I'm not sure. Go ahead, ask.
"How do demons reproduce?"
Silence. Then very quietly: Is this you trying to find out how you can take advantage of me?
Valmont laughed. "Oh, yeah, I want to have sex with a demon dragon…Is there something you're not telling me?"
Ah, human sarcasm. I learn so much from you, stupid.
"Careful."
All right, all right. We do it in the normal way.
"Define normal." He received an impressive mental image. "Wahey. That looks like fun."
Well, we're certainly not quite as…liberal…as you humans are. However, I do believe that HsiWu may be a change in all that
"And how." Both of them burst out laughing, which was strange seeing as they shared the same vocal cords for the moment. "Okay then, obviously you don't care what your partner looks like. So, Shendu, in the tradition of drunken gatherings, I ask you the question I wanted to know right from the beginning. When did you loose your virginity?"
Ah, not fair! I answered your question! Now you answer mine! Uh, lemme think…um…when did you loose your virginity?
Valmont laughed harder. "Oh that's very original…Oh, hell…give me a moment…I was…seventeen. I was with some friends…we met some ladies…one of them took a liking to me…scared me out of my skin."
Ah, young love. Do go on. Shendu replied, a smirk on his face.
"Yeah, well, I was a fragile lad. She took me back to her bedroom and taught me a lot. I was pretty knocked out afterwards, wasn't what I envisioned. Can you imagine me playing the innocent one?" Shendu laughed again, but it had a different tone to it, one Valmont wouldn't pick up on until later. "Okay, now answer my question. When did you loose yours?"
After much umming and ahing, Shendu finally answered. I…well…there was this one time…no…but then…ah…does a kiss count?
"No."
Then…never.
"Oh my god, I've been possessed by a virgin dragon! That is…completely pathetic."
Don't rub it in, or I'll hurt you.
"I won't, but really. Any reason why?"
You've seen the only females available. I may be, for lack of a better word, an asshole, but I won't interbreed with my siblings. I'm not that low.
"So you have some morals!"
And you do?
"Hey, every woman I've had in my bed…and that's a lot, I can tell you…have been treated with respect, and the greatest of care."
No children?
"Do I look like a person a child would call daddy?"
Not so sure about a child…
"There. You see?"
Okay, okay, whatever. I don't want to talk about this anymore, I don't know what else you're going to ask.
"Ah. Barkeep."
Huh?
"Paying."
Oh.
Valmont paid, then looked back at his phone. He had to answer them, they were worried. Not about him, of course, but about Shendu. This made him feel bad, but the image that came across his mind was disturbing to say the least. A golden dragon dancing on the bar.
We're fine, guys. Shendude is trying to cheer me up.
That would freak them out. With a smile, he got unsteadily to his feet, his wallet lighter by a large margin, and took a step. A moment later, he greeted the floor. Shendu was busy exploring the people's minds around them, and the drinks were starting to clog his brain again.
"Help." He said weakly. But something else sparked up. "Hello Mister Floor." A giggle.
Um…Shendu's tone was very quiet. Are you ok?
"I told you it'd be like this. It's all very well for you to drink, but I'm always the one who has to pick up the tab at the end, eh? I feel like shit."
Sorry
Valmont's eyes widened. "What did you just say?"
Said I was sorry. I won't say it often. I forget that I have to be responsible for you, since you're the only body I have. I'm not affected by the alcohol as much as you are.
"Too bloody right."
Don't go to sleep!
"Tired. Looking for magical things takes it out of me."
Fine then. He felt his body roughly pulled to his feet, and brushing himself down. Um, sorry about that. Heh, must have tripped. Then a brisk walk to the door and out into the cold dark street.
But not before Shendu spotted something.
What are those? Valmont? Wake up!
"…Peanuts." Came the sleepy reply. Sometimes having another mind in your body was helpful.
Why do they have a picture of a scantily clad woman on them?
"Prob'ly to get guys t' buy them. No Shendu. We do not like peanuts."
Another pause. He sounded definite on that one. Shendu shrugged, and walked out the door, and Valmont simmered in merry brain death, the warm lines of fire crisscrossing the inside of his body as the dragon moved.
It was going to be a long and amusing walk home.
End.
I might write a sequel. Did you spot the pairings in there? Bwahahahaha
Okay, I'm tired. Gimme a break…*falls down into a dead faint X_X*