[Donna is on the couch reading a magazine while Regine is the loveseat opposite from her.]
Donna:[interested] hmm.
Regine: What cha' reading Donna?
Donna: I just read this article in JET that some basketball player was arrested for bringing a gun to a nightclub.
Regine: [confused] Really what for?
Donna: [sarcastically] He was going to do his rendition of 'Annie Get Your Gun'. He was bringing it for protection. Apparently he had it in his sweatpants.
Regine: That's odd. Last time I checked most sweatpants don't have pockets large enough for a gun.
Donna: Exactly. He didn't have pockets so he hid it on the inside of his sweatpants.
Regine: But didn't he run the risk of shoo-[Donna cuts her off]
Donna: Yes he shot himself in the leg. After the paramedics rushed him to the hospital the police came to his room and arrested him.
Regine: I didn't know they could do that.
Donna: I'm not sure if they can either but when you're black and have money they could arrest you for bombing Hiroshima and you'd still do hard time.
Regine: Why that's awful Donna. I'm gonna write up a letter and send it to my local congressman. (pulls out a notepad from the coffee table nearby and begins writing) Donna….
Donna: [sighs] C-O-N-G-R-E[Donna is interrupted by a knock on the door]
Vernetta: [from out of her room] Oh I'll get it! [adjusting one of her earrings] That's probably Vernon.
Donna: This is the 5th time you've seen Vernon in the past two weeks. You must really like him.
Vernetta: Oh yes Donna. [tittles her hair] He can't keep his hands off me. [opens the door and sees Vernon standing]
Vernon: Hello Vernetta. You look wonderful tonight.
Vernetta: [flirtingly] Don't I always?
Vernon: Everytime I see you. Ready to go?
Vernetta: Ready as rain. [turns to the girls smiling] I'll see you all tonight. Goodbye. [walking out the door with Vernon]
Vernon: [waves to Donna and Regine]
Donna: Goodnight.
Regine: Bye.
[Vernetta closes the door behind her and Vernon]
Donna: Vernetta is a lucky woman. Vernon is so handsome.
Regine: Yeah. [inquiring] Donna why don't we have dates?
Donna: Because no men are interested in us right now.
Regine: Why aren't men interested in us?
Donna: [sarcastic outburst] Because they're afraid we'll put a curse on 'em! [calming down] I don't know Regine. We just haven't met the right men yet.
Regine: Oh. Well I never had this problem back when I lived in Sandersville. All the boys at my high school were dying to take me to the prom. There was one boy in particular that liked me. His name was Bobby Thompson and boy was he a looker. [dreamily] He had dark hair, full and robust lips, soulful brown eyes and a body that made God himself say 'hot damn!' He was the man perfect in almost every way except for the glaring fact that he was illiterate.
Donna: [gives a bit of a slightly stunned look] Did you go to prom with him?
Regine: Oh no. I couldn't he was way out of my league.
Donna: Didn't you just say he was illiterate?
Regine: Yes.
Donna: Then how was he out of your league?
Regine: Donna you an educated woman should know that when a man is that stupid God has some bit of mercy and endows him with the ability to make love like the Greek God Apollo with an energizer battery attached to his back. He just kept going and going and going and-[Donna cuts her off]
Donna: I get the point Regine.
[There is a knock at the door and Donna goes and gets the door. She opens it and its Mom Bea holding her suitcases]
Mom Bea: Hi Donnie.
Donna: Ma' what are you doing here?
Mom Bea: I left that crack house you called a nursing home.
Donna: Mom Bea, Willowing Oaks is a good nursing home. Why didn't you stay there?
Mom Bea: [firmly] I couldn't take the abuse.
Donna: What abuse?
Mom Bea: Those imbeciles tried to serve us TV dinners for dinner tonight.
Donna: Yes and?
Mom Bea: And they were frozen Soul food dinners. I can see when someone is trying to stereotype me. That's why I traded with Alice Feldman for her Kosher frozen dinner.
Regine: That sounds awful.
Mom Bea: It was, our microwave is on the fritz. You ever have a luke warm knish?
Donna: Mom Bea you are recovering from major hip surgery you need to stay in someplace like Willowing Oaks to fully recuperate.
Mom Bea: You can't make me go back there. I refuse to. Besides I already packed my bags I'm staying here with you.
Donna: Ma' I'd love for you to stay but this isn't my house it's Vernetta's and I can't just have someone move in here without her permission.
Mom Bea: Well could you at least let the woman who raised you when you mother abandoned you have a place to stay for a few hours?
Donna: Fine, but only until Vernetta comes back so we can discuss it.
Regine: [approaches Mom Bea] Here Ethel, let me take your bags into my room.
Mom Bea: Thank you Regine but remember call me Mom Bea.
[Regine proceeds to take to Mom Bea's bags to her room. Mom Bea sits on the couch next to Donna]
Mom Bea: So what is my gorgeous daughter doing at home on a Saturday night? Why aren't you out with a date?
Donna: Because I don't have one tonight.
Mom Bea: And why is that?
Donna: I don't know Ma'. I just haven't seen anyone I'm interested in lately.
Mom Bea: Please your husband just left you for a woman half your age you should be clinging to the first man that doesn't mistake you for a Sherman Hemsley look-a-like.
Donna: Ma' I don't need a man to be happy. I' am a modern woman of today that is independent and able to rely on her own devices. You know Ma' it is very traditional of you to think I that I need a man to be fulfilled.
Mom Bea: Whose said anything about fulfillment? I just want you to have a man. The last time you had a man in your bedroom they had the word Sealy imprinted on their uniform.
[Regine comes out of her room finished putting away Mom Bea's bags]
Regine: Alright Mom Bea you're all set for now. [sits down in the loveseat again] Ethel, I have a question? You mentioned something about raising her when her mother left what was that all about.
Mom Bea: When Donna and her four brothers were very young her mother, my sister deserted them and me and my husband stepped in and raised them. He was the one who convinced me to take care of them. He said 'If you can't depend on family who can you depend on'. I was a mother to all of them and I had six children of my own.
Donna: Ma' is the only mother I ever knew and my uncle was the only father I every knew. All my cousins are basically siblings to me.
Regine: That is really amazing Ethel.
Mom Bea: I know. I raised this woman, put her through college and helped her with her own children and the least she could do is find herself a nice man and she can't even do that.
Donna: Mom Bea, will you drop it already!
Regine: Donna get yourself a man for your mother.
Donna: Regine don't even entertain her foolish notions that I need a man to be happy.
Regine: Oh but you do Donna. I have to say you're a lot more pleasant when you've seeing someone.
Donna: I don't have a lot of men coming through here.
Regine: That's my point.
[Vernetta walks through the door smiling and sits on a chair opposite Regine]
Donna: So how was your date with Vernon?
Vernetta: [pleased] Wonderful, absolutely wonderful. We went out for dinner.
Donna: So did you two….have dessert?
Vernetta: Yes. [laughs and so does Donna]
Regine: So what did you have cake, pie, a muffin or what?
Vernetta: We're not talking about actual food Regine we're talking about sex.
Regine: Well you're gonna have to put it plain for me. I'm Sandersville, Georgia and back where I'm from we don't sugarcoat things like that with metaphors and what not.
Donna: [to Vernetta] I suppose you went to his place?
Vernetta: No. We went to a motel. His sister is sick and he didn't want to wake her.
Donna: Oh. Well was it good?
Vernetta: [nods her head]
Donna: Really good?
Vernetta: [nods her head]
Donna: Really, really good?
Mom Bea: Donna if you're gonna be in a conversation about sex be the one having it.
[scene fades out and then another one fades in with Mom Bea cooking breakfast]
Donna: [walks in] Mom Bea something smells divine. What is it?
Mom Bea: Salmon croquettes and cheese and eggs and I just put some grits on the stove.
Donna: Ma' you always were a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen. [kisses her on the forehead]
Mom Bea: Ready for work Donnie?
Donna: Yeah I suppose so. It's a new semester, which means a whole new crop of students. I told the dean that I might be retiring after this one.
Vernetta: [walks in] Hey Donna, morning Mom Bea. What a glorious morning it is!
Donna: Another hit with Vernon?
Vernetta: Yes. I haven't felt like this for a man since my husband died.
Donna: Vernetta, you've been seeing Vernon for almost two months now. Are you in love with him?
Vernetta: I think so Donna.
Regine: [walks in] Hi girls. What are we talking about?
Donna: Vernetta is in love with Vernon.
Vernetta: Now Donna, I know if it's love but I think it might be [giggles] Oh girls I have been this giggly since I was a schoolgirl. Oh Vernon just seems to do that to me.
Regine: I'm happy for you Vernetta it's very special when someone can find love at this stage in their lives or any stage in their lives.
[the doorbell rings]
Regine: I'll get it. [exits the kitchen and goes into the living room and answers the door] Vernetta I think you need to come in here.
[Vernetta, Donna and Mom Bea enter in the living room where a young pregnant woman is standing in the doorway]
Vernetta: Hello can I help you miss?
Annie: Yes, you can stop sleeping with my husband and the father of my child.
Vernetta: [caught off guard] What are you talking about?
Annie: You're seeing a man named Vernon Willis?
Vernetta: Yes.
Annie: Well I'm Mrs. Willis.
Vernetta: [shocked] Mrs. Willis? But Vernon told me he wasn't married!
Annie: He lied.
Regine: [curious] Wait your last name is Willis?
Annie: Yes.
Regine: My last name is Willis. We might be kin! [goes to Annie and hugs an her] Vernetta how dare you sleep with my cousin's husband?
Donna: Regine stay out of this! [pulls her away from Annie]
Annie: I don't know what he told you but he's a married man and he's about to be a father.
Vernetta: He didn't look that young.
Annie: He's 33!
Vernetta: My Lord I'm dating a married man [starting to sound more proud] and a younger man. Damn I'm good.
Annie: [slaps Vernetta across the face] You're a slut!
Vernetta: [rubbing her face stunned] How dare you? I'd slap you back if you weren't pregnant and [scared] three times bigger than me.
Annie: [to Donna and Regine] This woman is a home wrecker, a lair and a whore! How can you live with her?
Donna: We find it sort of endearing.
Regine: You learn to love her and use toilet seat liners.
[Vernon approaches the door not realizing that his wife is inside]
Vernon: Vernetta, are you [sees his wife] home? [nervous] Oh damn.
Annie: Oh damn is right you son of a bi-[Donna cuts her off]
Donna: Please not in front of the elderly [covers Mom Bea's ears]
Regine: Yeah that's right. [covers Donna's ears]
Donna: [makes an annoyed look to Regine] Get off me you doofus!
Vernetta: [upset] Vernon how come you never told me you were married and an expecting father?
Vernon: [nervously] It never came up.
Vernetta: Never came up? How could you do something like this to me? I was really starting to have feelings for you!
Annie: [to Vernetta] You? I'm his wife and he's cheating on me with some woman nearly in her 60's.
Vernetta: [defensively]I'm 49!
Donna: [quipping] And I'm from the Philippines.
Vernetta: [looks at Donna in annoyance]
Donna: Sorry I couldn't resist.
Vernon: [to Vernetta] I didn't mean to string you along like this Vernetta. I didn't mean to hurt you I was just feeling trapped.
Vernetta: How so?
Vernon: I was becoming a father for the first time and I'm still so young and things at home with Annie have been a little rocky I just needed an escape.
Vernetta: Well I do not want to be anyone's escape nor do I want to someone's mistress. I want someone to love me not to use me. Did you even think about how I would feel about all this?
Annie: How you feel? I feel-[she stops talking because feels a kicking] Oh my! Oh its coming!
Regine: What's coming?
Donna: [sarcastic outburst] The spirit of Jimmy Hoffa! [calming down] The baby is coming Regine!
Regine: Oh. [more excited] Oh! Oh my God! Wait how does she know?
Mom Bea: [sarcastic] It sent an e-mail.
Regine: [looks at Mom Bea confused]
Donna: She feels the kicking you idiot!
Annie: Oh it's really coming! My water just broke!
Regine: What water?
Donna: [outburst] The water in the Hoover Dam! The water in her belly you dolt!
Vernetta: Someone call the paramedics!
Regine: I'll go call them! [rushes to the kitchen to get to the phone]
Donna: Vernetta, help her sit down.
[Vernetta and Donna help Annie sit down on the couch]
Vernetta: What do we do Donna?
Donna: I don't know. I've never been on the opposite end of this before.
Regine: [comes out of the kitchen] I called the paramedics but they said its gonna take them a while to get here.
Donna: How long will it be?
Regine: About two hours. There was a car accident. It was a three-car pile up.
Mom Bea: [rolls up her sleeves] Donna go get me some hot water.
Donna: Why Ma'?
Mom Bea: [sarcastic] I want to make some tea for when the paramedics get here. [Donna looks at her mother strange] I'm delivering the baby!
Donna: Ma' what do you know about delivering children?
Mom Bea: I had six of them I should know a thing or two.
Donna: [gives a look of agreement] Alright, what do you want us to do?
Mom Bea: You can get me that hot water! Regine, I need you to get some towels and rubber gloves, Vernetta get me a bottle of our finest wine.
[The girls go to get the items Mom Bea asked for. Donna goes into the kitchen, Regine goes to the bathroom and Vernetta goes to the wine cellar. All three come back with what she asked for]
Regine: Here are the gloves and towels you asked for Mom Bea [hands towels and gloves]
Mom Bea: [puts on gloves]
Donna: Ma' here's your hot water [hands her the water]
Vernetta: And here's our finest wine.
Mom Bea: [takes the wine and puts it to the side] Alright, now I need you to get on the floor and spread your legs.
[Vernetta starts to move but Donna grabs her before she do anything else]
Donna: She was talking to Annie, Vernetta.
Vernetta: [embarrassed] Sorry, force of habit.
Annie: [gets on the floor and spreads her legs]
Mom Bea: [dips a towel in the water and puts it on Annie's head] Vernon, hold your wife's hand.
Vernon: [grabs Annie's hand]
Mom Bea: Now Annie I need to you breathe very slowly like this [demonstrates]
Annie: [breathes the way Mom Bea instructs] Like this?
Mom Bea: Yeah just like that. Now push!
Annie: [starts pushing] Oh God! It hurts! Ugh!
Mom Bea: Vernetta, pour this woman a drink and keep feeding her wine until she's drunker than a redneck at the Daytona 500!
Vernetta: [pours a glass of wine and makes Annie drink it] Are you sure this is good for the baby Mom Bea?
Mom Bea: The kid is on his way out I doubt he's gonna have anymore than a sip. [to Annie] Keep pushing!
Annie: [continues to push]
Mom Bea: [to Donna, Regine and Vernetta] Buckle down girls we're gonna be here for a while!
[the scene transitions to Donna, Regine and Vernetta watching a re-run of The Jeffersons on the television while Mom Bea is helping Annie have her baby while Vernon is comforting Annie]
TV set: Yes, we're moving on up! Moving on up, to the east side!
Annie: [screams]
Mom Bea: Would you keep that down!
Donna: Sorry Ma'.
Mom Bea: I wasn't talking to you I was talking to Annie.
Mom Bea: Keep pushing Annie I'm starting to see a head.
Annie: [groaning and moaning and a little drunk] How much longer?
Mom Bea: Just keep pushing! [to Vernetta] Get this woman some more wine!
Vernetta: We're all out. She already went through three bottles of our best wine and half a bottle of Scotch.
Mom Bea: Bring her anything that has liquor in it.
Vernetta: [goes to kitchen]
Mom Bea: Annie the head is out keep pushing!
Annie: [keeps pushing] Oh!
Mom Bea: It's almost there just one more good push!
Annie: [pushes one more time and then the sound of a baby is heard]
Mom Bea: It's out!
Vernetta: [rushes in] Here Mom Bea all we have left is half a bottle of Jack Daniels. [hands the bottle]
Mom Bea: [takes the bottle, opens it and drinks it] Thanks.
Annie: [holds her baby looking at it along with Vernon]
Regine: [looks at the baby] It's so cute.
Donna: It's looks like it's father.
[There's a knock at the door]
Regine: I'll get it. [goes to the door and looks through the peek hole] It's the paramedics! [lets them in]
[The paramedics see Annie on the floor and go to her bring her to the truck in a stretcher. Vernon begins to follow but before he does he turns to Vernetta]
Vernon: Vernetta, Annie and me are getting back together. I'm sorry but I can't see you anymore. You're not upset are you?
Vernetta: I understand. Good-bye Vernon. [hugs him and he leaves]
[The women stand outside the door and watch the paramedics whisk Annie off to the hospital]
Regine: [relieved] I'm so glad that all over.
Donna: [relieved] Me too. Even though I think the idea of childbirth is a beautiful thing the actual process of it is the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen in my life [pauses for a second] Wait no I'm wrong, seeing my ex-husband Dwayne naked was the most mind shatteringly disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life, this was a close second.
[The girls go back inside the house]
Vernetta: I'm just glad that we had Mom Bea here with us to help us get through all that.
Donna: I agree Vernetta. Ma' you were amazing.
Regine: Where did you learn to do that Ethel?
Mom Bea: Hey I'm from Newark, some things you just pick up along the way like that and how to remove someone's appendix using two forks, some aluminum foil and a can opener [walks into kitchen]
[Donna, Regine and Vernetta put on a look of agreement and go into the kitchen and the music leads us out of the episode]