I need to be honest with you Jenna, Mattie said.
Those words make my heart stop and my brain run with thoughts of fear of what to come.
Does he still love me?
Has he replaced me?
Is he going to leave me?
Maybe this is for the best I think trying to hold back tears of weakness and fear of loss.
I should break up with him before he breaks up with me I thought.
I think we shouldn't talk for a while Jenna, Mattie said.
Why? I responded hurt by the thought
Jenna you've become a little obsessive and I'm starting to get annoyed Mattie said.
There it was the word. Annoying like a bug you want to smosh with your shoe that's what I was a bug.
so you want a break? I responded.
That was the word that hurt him a break like I wanted to run off and come back to his loving arm like he was always going to be there. I had use those words before to hurt him and I knew what it did to him.
No that's not what I'm saying, but if that's how you want to take it, Mattie responded his eyes hardening as he responded and as he thought of past when I had used that word.
No! That's not what I want at all, I yelled. My eyes to swell with fear and sadness.
Mattie was my first. My first real love, the first person to show me kindness. I had loved him so much that I had become overbearing. I gave up so much to be with him, I gave up my innocence ,and many of my friendships. He didn't understand something though. I don't let people in my world of craziness easily, and every time I had they would hurt me. He was the one that hadn't hurt me. At least not until this point.
How long shouldn't we talk for? I asked looking at the floor not having the ability to look him in the eyes knowing that I did this. I pushed him to this point. I guess this was bound to happen.
Just until my phone works again ,he responded looking at me with coldness in his eyes.
How long will that be? I asked. I could barely talk without choking on tears.
I'm not sure I'll try to get it fixed as soon as possible, he said looking anywhere, but at me.
So we might not talk for weeks? I asked not really wanting to know the answer because I felt like he didn't care if he ever talked to me again.
Yes possibly, he responded without hesitation and not caring if that was how long it would be.
Why? I asked finally, and I started to cry at that point I knew this was my fault, and I would need to face my punishment.
Because jenna you need to be able to not obsess and go short periods of time without talk to me, he responded trying to sound like this wasn't going to hurt our relationship and this wasn't a break up speech.
I feel like I'm being punished I said, crying and wiping the tears with my sweater.
You're not being punished at all I'm trying to help you break your obsessing and make it possible for you to go short periods of time without talking to me, sorry but I need to go, he responded trying to stop my tears, but still having a coldness in his voice.
Yea maybe this will help me calm down, I responded with sarcasm trying to look at the nonexistent "bright" side of this.
Yea exactly, I'm really sorry, but I gotta to go, he said and turning around and going to his car.
I was left there crying.
I cried there's no other way?
No response.
I sat there crying hearing him drive away from me. I had made him go to this point. I had done this and I had no one to blame, but myself. I cried realizing that this was the end for us. He had left and he didn't have any plans of coming back. I didn't know what to do. I had lost the one person I gave everything up for. Realizing that I was crying over something that may or may not happen made me calm down enough to pick myself up.
Later that night I sent him a message on facebook saying that I thought this was a good idea and asking if this was going to hurt us at all. No response.
I had to take it one day at a time living without the one thing I would die for.