Life is about struggle.
It shouldn't take a Jinchuriki to tell you that. Normal people see it everyday. Interpersonal struggles, minor inconvenience. We as outsiders can't really judge the individual issues people go through. What would amount to a grain of salt on our shoulders could be the equivalent of a boulder to any given stranger. It's a frustrating concept to really wrap your head around. Especially given the fact that being a Shinobi means to endure. How stupid.
It's as if people never really understood that struggle is meant to push one into personal growth. I mean, take me for example. I was loud, obnoxious, hell I was desperately seeking attention. Bonds I could call my own, relationships or even support. But now, to hell with all that. I became fed up, the struggle was to nagging. I realized I could continue to fight or just accept things as they where and adapt accordingly. And for all his flaws Danzo helped with that. I learned the frailty and hazards of such relationships. Learned how to steel myself against others opinions and project my issues as intimidation. It's a shame and a blessing that Sarutobi found me and put the old war hawk to death.
Now I was just Uzumaki, my classmates didn't really address me in a casual manor, but it was better than the 'deadlast' or 'chibi-demon' that they used to call me. Hell how did they even pick up on the demon quip with it the Kyubii being an S-Class secret? Fucking ridiculous. But with adapting came a more serious look at becoming a Shinobi. Orange wasn't really a stealthy color, regardless of my feats against our Anbu. So black pants, black under shirt and a large forest green jacket it was. Not to mention wearing a bandanna to hid my blond hair.
I mean sure I could probably ditch the bandanna, but it makes me feel more dangerous, and I'm sure just wearing my hood up would give the same or arguably a better effect but hear me out. Blond hair stands out. It works for a Yamanaka, their high pont tail and facial structures are dead give a ways. I mean, a mind walker is a valuable asset on a team and just knowing you have one in your squad gives reason for them to be avoided. But my mope, un-tamable, just a wild mess really. So covering it just makes sense.
I started honing in on my stealth, my opponents couldn't kill me if they couldn't see me. Evasion. They couldn't harm me if they couldn't hit me. Lastly was the academy jutsu. I failed my first attempt. That's where the 'dead last' nickname kicked in. I couldn't do the substitution, nor the damnable Bushin technique. But I started breaking the techniques down to the basics. Struggle forced improvement, solely enduring was just bashing your head against the wall.
I figured out my chakra reserves where far to high for such low level techniques. So I began tweaking the substitution. Eventually figuring out that using it without hand signs took more chakra, even if it wasn't the by the book way or most conservative option. It worked for me. Then It was the Bushin, after trial and error for eight months I went to the Hokage. The old man sympathized with me. He had always done that. I guess seeing me struggle so hard made him feel pity. I hated it. But it was useful. After explaining the reasons behind my issues with the Bushin I had finally accessed what I needed. The Kagebushin. A solid clone, that could relay info and even fight for me. It was perfect honestly. It's insane chakra cost made it so much easier. The only issue was, I never wanted to be a power house.
Up close and personal fighting was tiring, I don't mean stamina wise, I mean I still have boundless energy, even if I suppress it. It's just, watching your opponent. Going head to head in conflict, the pissing contest ninja enjoy of throwing out strong jutsu one after the other. No thanks, I'll pass on that. I'd much rather gather Intel, stick to the shadows and stabbie rip stab stab my way through this career. Leave the glory for people like Sasuke or that mouthy brat Hibachi. They can have it, and that damnable hat I used to harp about.
Now I was going to be a Genin. My headband tacked on to my bandanna. A symbol that I'll be a tool in service to the very village that's mocked and belittled me my whole life. But remaining their scapegoat. Another struggle added to a list of many, one that I'd just endure for now. I mean who would want to deal with the issues of adapting to it. It was just, what was it that the Nara always said? Oh, yeah. Troublesome.
"Uzumaki, I was wondering if you'd like to celebrate us graduating. I've noticed you visit that ramen stand a lot. Not that I've been watching you or anything. I mean, you're almost always there it's not hard to notice. But," Ugh, this was the third time Ami had tried to get him to hang out. The purple haired girl just couldn't get it through her head he preferred to be alone. But since he had returned to the academy with his new look and attitude she seems to have taken an interest in him. Something I'd have relished in before, but now. No thanks.
"I mean, I had planned to just head home and read tonight." There, a nice excuse. Not entirely a lie either. Since I've been studying Fuinjutsu. But I'm not going to lie Ichiraku's sounded great.
"Oh, well maybe next time. Have you thought about who you'd want to be on a team with?" As if to emphasize she was gracing me with this conversation she tucked her hair behind her left year. I mean I noticed you keep the right side shaved. I'll admit it's appealing but I don't plan to be looked down on.
"Couldn't give a shit really. Working with others is part of the job. I mean they're nothing more than extended squad mates." Precise. Shutting down any hopes of her thinking I'm going to become chummy with anyone here. Sure people expect to form lifelong friendships with their Genin teams.
"Wow, that's a pretty shitty way to look at it." No, expecting to be the next Ino-Shika-Cho was just to hopeful.
"Eh, whatever. Look, congrats on graduating and all that. But I'ma head home." Getting up I just toned her out. I was finished with the conversation. It was pretty frustrating to say the least. Ami was a bully when Danzo came into the picture. She didn't care I existed unless it was to chime in with a jab when I was taking heat. Hell she'd bullied that Sakura girl terrible. But all of a sudden I come back and she's up my ass. I couldn't tell if she was mistaking me for the Uchiha or if she was just incredibly dedicated to some prank she had cooked up. I wasn't social, but not because I was brooding. It's because all that socializing my classmates seemed to thrive off of was just so damn pointless. I didn't need their friendship. Half of us would end up dropping out of the Shinobi corps before chunin if statistics were correct. A quarter of us would die before Jonin. So where laid the purpose of any of this? Maybe if I was looking for that sort of fulfillment sure. But the majority of the village had already made it clear. I was a pariah. Alone since birth and alone until death. It might as well be set in stone I guess. One of those struggles you just have to endure.
Not to mention Danzo had showed me how fragile and harmful this sort of thing was. Having a demon linked to your emotions doesn't really make lose a fun experience. Maybe that was the main reason I was so against the idea. I mean Sai was with me in the foundation and despite his awkward and terrible attempts at socializing he was still attempting and making strides. Maybe I could too. No, to hell with that sort of naive thinking.
The walk back to my shitty apartment was always a treat. Glares, minor quips and constantly trying to figure out an eternal debate. Is the Shinobi way of enduring the only way of dealing with somethings? Is adapting to situations just a non-option in certain cases. Sure I think adapting is the main avenue. It's how I want to live my life anyways, but enduring was a constant stain on my ideals. But what else could I do. Earning the respects of these people wasn't something I could accomplish. So why try? Thumbing through my pocket for my Fuinjutsu for Morons I just pushed this mental struggle to the back of my mind for now I have work to do tonight.
-Three Weeks Later -
Today was going to be annoying. How would the Nara say it? Oh, yeah. Troublesome. It might as well have been a guarantee that I'd be forced to endure the grating background static of all these hyped up children. Cranking their most annoying qualities up to eleven. Quickly walking past everyone with out interaction was easy. For an up and coming master of stealth it was truly nothing. Or maybe it was just the fact that no one cared or knew speaking to him would be pointless. But that thought was a lot more annoying. Realistic or not. Find my usual seat was easy. Top left corner of the room, it had suitable lighting for reading, but braced against the wall so that the sun didn't get too hot. It was also easily accessable. I could just walk through the door and head straight up and sit down. A simple path with the least likely way to get stopped by anyone, then an easy escape route. Quick one at that.
By the time I'd sat down the Nara was asleep on his desk. The fatass he hung around with happily munching on chips. How wonderful being so simple must be. The Brooding figure that took a similar spot to him on the right side of the room, Uchiha Sasuke. If I had to guess, he chose his place in the room for similar reasons I did. By placing himself on the far right he made sure everyone would have to notice his entrance and exit. He was just like that, he merely acted aloof and isolated. Sure the bastard didn't have it easy. He struggled in far greater ways than I did. I mean he watched his family die in front of him. But the village and their classmates loved him. The teachers touted on how he was a prodigy, despite still being in the academy at 12. Something that was simply average if the Uchiha track record was correct. But as much as he portrayed being annoyed, or tried to act aloof the Uchiha still made opportunities to show off. Not to mention he'd jump at any chance to show off. Inferiority complex maybe. But honestly, the prick acted like nothing more than a hypocrite. Constantly trying to act the loner while soaking up and grab attention like he was a starving dog pouncing on table scraps. Had he no respect for people who where truly stuck being alone? Asshole.
"Today's the big day, huh Uzumaki?" Ami, again. Acting as if she owned the place simply claiming the space beside him. Of course I didn't miss her tuck her hair behind he ear. I could practically hear her thoughts. 'Don't worry Uzumaki. I'll grace your pathetic existence.'
"Yeah, I guess."
"Didn't see you around much the last few weeks. What did you get up too?"
"I didn't really go out."
"How boring, but I guess you're always like that." I couldn't really place the reason. But Ami was getting on my nerves a bit. I'm not positive, but I know her acting so familiar to me was part of it. She didn't know me. I didn't know her. So how would she know what I was like? Not to mention that smug smirk on her face.
"Yeah, I guess." She just turned and smiled.
"You should really change that. You always look so bored and dejected. Maybe coming to hang out with some of us will fix that." No, it wouldn't I'd just be glared at and feel out of place the whole time. If she knew me like she's acting like she does she'd realize that.
"I doubt it."
"But you'll never know unless you try." I just sighed, I wasn't going to have that. I'm sure she knew that. Especially considering I just looked away from her after that. Silence settled over us for a moment. I mean Ami was being nice, friendly even. But I'll be honest, I didn't trust that. Danzo had introduced me to my 'handlers' on my first day with root. Riku and Risa. Two twins who where orphans. They where friendly, kind, and taught me everything I know about weaponry. Which isn't anything to brag about. But it served its purpose. Those two where the closest thing outside the Hokage and the Ichiraku's I've had to a family. But it was all fake. People, especially ninja use people. Ninja are tools meant to endure, sure connections and bonds are needed. Niceties between comrades, and such. But that just makes the concept of friends more convoluted. Ami was, for lack of a better word. A bitch up until about a year ago. After I completely changed myself is when she took notice and interest. So it was obvious it wasn't me that drew her in. It was the fact I had become moderately competent. So how could I even begin to think her actions where genuine. I had no issue working with her if that's what came of it. But I wasn't going to fall for her lie of friendship. We are just two people with no mutual understanding.
As if on cue to break up my thoughts and prove my point a pair of harpies burst into the room. Each one clamoring about 'Uchiha this, Uchiha that'. Almost every male in the room instantly became annoyed. The Nara's head bounced off the desk in front of him. The Inuzuka or his mutt where growling. Hell it may have been my imagination but even the Aburame seemed to be buzzing with annoyance.
"Those two are complete jokes." Ami practically spat. But I didn't understand her point. Both Haruno and Yamanaki placed higher than her in the class.
"Annoying, sure. Jokes. That might be a little harsh." Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
"First off Uzumaki it's not a little harsh. It's not harsh enough." She said it with a glare, I couldn't help but wonder if it was because she was so similar to them not to long ago. Another Uchiha obsessed idiot. "I mean, they're so caught up in impressing him or just grabbing his attention that they don't care about their personal growth at all." But you do? "I mean don't get me wrong, he's attractive and everything." See I knew it. She was still captivated by the brooding wander. "But he's almost as bad as them. So much talent wasted on just impressing people." She seemed a bit dejected about it. But I wouldn't press. I'd figured out a while back sometimes you just needed to let people talk. "I wish I had just an ounce of talent those three do. I started taking this stuff serious to late. A lot like you." Oh, so she had caught onto that as well. How long had this brat been watching me? "Sakura has the brains and chakra control to be the top of the class." She is the top of the class. "Yet instead of cementing that she just takes the easy route. Ino isn't any better. She was born and bred to be a ninja. Her parents where both damn good. But instead of buckling down or going to them for help, she's just more focused on looking good."
"That bothers you now?" Shit, that just sorta slipped out.
"Yeah, we're becoming ninja soon. Book smarts won't much matter after this. I may think they're idiots but I don't want them to die. You know?" As she talked the two girls continued their argument in the back ground. Occasionally drawing my attention with their loud, grating voices.
"Why should you care about that." Ami looked at me with what I couldn't differentiate between pity and disappointment. I finally decided it was the later.
"Isn't it obvious? We've spent damn near seven years together. Most of us started around five. I may not like them, but Shinobi life is dangerous. I even debated dropping out." Didn't expect that honestly. Ami was a hard head, at least from what I'd seen. Brash, honest and defiant. "At this age, especially considering we technically become real ninja tomorrow. I just. Hoped they'd take it a little more seriously."
She finished resting her head in her hands. I couldn't really figure out why she'd unload all of that on me. I wasn't her friend. We weren't close. No mutual understanding had be formed. But she'd confided in me. Even I wasn't so removed from the world to reject or mock that.