Red vs. Blue...vs. Green
Story Four: To Protect and Server
Chapter One: Direct IP
Here it is: the final story in the RvBvG Saga. I can't tell you how much I have enjoyed writing this, but at the same time it feels like the right time to end it. Lately I have been finding it harder to write these stories because I feel the need to move on to something else, but I must finish this off first.
Prepare to see things that you have never seen before as we enter the world of Green Squad's final mission. And as always, enjoy and review...
Nothing could have prepared them for this. It had seemed like any other mission to each of them when it had started, but that was before. Now they couldn't wait to wake up from this nightmare. When would it all end? First off there was nobody where they should have been, then one of them fell in love with a tank, then they started fighting amongst themselves, THEN the jeep started trying to kill them, THEN some random dude appeared out of nowhere and started killing them over and over. And if all this wasn't enough, the entire Universe ended. Now that the story has been put into some kind of context and I've done a whole lot of backstory for people who skit to the last story before reading the first three (you know who you are) we can move on to the new stuff.
"Everything has been a lie. You have all been part of a lie." Explained Sir to the Greens. "The Universe you know is not real, but the presence of it influences the balance of the real world. Therefore it is more important than you could possibly imagine."
"Let me get this straight;" began Phill, "we live in a world that is completely fake but is actually the greatest thing ever? Isn't that a little contradictory?"
"Yes, I agree." Said Sir. "You were never actually living there."
"Exactly. Wait, what?"
"None of you have been living. The world was part of a virtual simulation created to manipulate mankind and shape the future in its image. Now it has been destroyed and everything that was part of it has faded into non-existence."
"But if we're still here...then that means-"
"We were never part of that world!" exclaimed Enemy. "We never fit in, none of us did. Remember how Vic didn't seem to know what Green Command was? That's because Green Command doesn't exist, we made it up."
"But why were we there?" asked The Commander. "How did we get there? Who are we?"
"You are part of the operating system that monitors and runs the artificial world in which you have resided."
"Are we some kind of kick-arse protection programs sent in to beat up any bugs that try to hack us?" dreamed Phill.
"No."
"Meh, I knew it was a long-shot."
"You are a reaction to the absence of missing files; a virus."
"Could you be any more vague?"
"You mean you guys didn't understand that?" asked Parts incredulously. "I am ashamed of you all. Why don't I translate intelligence to you guys."
"Oh yeah? Who made you Head Nerd?" asked Enemy.
"I have a PhD in Mechanics and Electronic Devices. I just love my electronic devices. I think what my friend here is trying to say is that the missing files are the reds and the blues from Blood Gulch. They left their permitted area which caused widespread chaos throughout the operating system. Instead of trying to track them down, we were created to replace them but they couldn't copy the files themselves so they programmed us as viruses to assimilate what we could of the original files until they returned. It's really quite simple."
"Hey, I ain't another person." Conflicted Enemy. "I am all original; my own man. The enemy of my enemy is me: Enemy. I am the lone wolf looking for a foxy lady to feast on. Bow-chika-wow-wow." Enemy did a double take. "Why did I say that last part?"
"This explains a lot. Like why Snot fell through that wall." Said Parts.
"Or why we're coloured green." Said The Commander.
"Or why we're such awful fighters." Said Phill.
"Actually, you already had that quality before we sent you in."
"Oh...what about lovers?"
"Hey, big floaty light thing." Called Snot. "If we're not real then does that mean that I can't kill myself?"
"No. But you can delete yourself which is similar in many respects."
"Like how?"
"...You won't be alive after-"
"Bye y'all." Said Snot who began walking towards the giant garbage bin that had suddenly appeared behind them.
"How did we end up here?" asked The Commander.
"When your private destroyed that cable you found under Blood Gulch, the system crashed. You were never meant to find it but due to events out of our control you did and the end of the future is imminent." Everyone glared at Name.
Name looked at each of the angry helmets aimed at him. The end of everything would be his fault. He shrugged; good riddance. "But I have brought you here because there is a small chance that we may be able to repair the damage. You see, the Universe has been destroyed only in your time but not in the past. Slowly however, that damage will erase the past but for now it is only distorting it randomly. If you can re-establish a connection to the main control system; the Server, then it can salvage what is left."
"What are we waiting for?" asserted The Commander. "Give us whatever we need to do that and we'll head off."
"Unfortunately, all of you have been partially integrated into the other Universe and only someone who has purely remained part of this system can carry the connection."
"Ugh...tell me." Said Enemy. "Was there anyone before us who was a raging suicidal maniac?"
"No."
"Snot!" they all screamed as they rushed to stop him from jumping into the rubbish bin. They tugged at his legs as he kept hold of the rim.
"Let me go! This is my big chance! I have no purpose in this world anymore!"
"Come on, Snot!" groaned Phill. "You can help save the Universe!"
"Why would I save the Universe if it means saving me?"
"Good point. What about royalties?"
"Royalties?"
"Yeah. You save the Universe, get rich and buy happiness. How does that sound?"
To their surprise, Snot actually thought about this. "That doesn't sound too bad."
"I know, right? So why don't you just let go of this and come help us, huh? Be your best friend."
"Cut that last bit out and you got yourself a deal."
"Fine. I probably wasn't gonna live up to that one anyway."
This room was massive; infinitely massive. There was just no way to describe how massive it was. Maybe, like, two Madison Square Garden's put together. Growing, like flowers in a field, were many, many doors that stretched out into the distance until they became little white specks. Enemy was checking out the closest door, admiring the fact that there were no walls to hold it in place. "Trippy doors." Complimented Enemy. "Really takes me back to my college days drinking shots, smoking pot and having unprotected sex every night."
"I really envy your fake past." Phill said sarcastically.
"Yeah, you know it."
"What's behind these things anyway?" asked The Commander. "Weapons? Reinforcements? Reinforcements with weapons?"
"I want a gun that looks like a knife." Said Phill. "I'll call it a knifle."
"I hope there's a locker room in there!" swooned Enemy.
"Yeah, me too!" enthused Parts.
"A ladies locker room."
"Oh, why'd you have to be so one-sided?"
"Behind these doors are other Universes connected to the Server. They each have a connection to each other. You may use them to pass through each Universe to reach the server quicker instead of trekking the distance manually."
"Kinda like back doors. Neat." Said Phill before he thought of; "Wait. We have no idea which door leads where so if we walk through the wrong door we could be going backwards or worse; not moving anywhere."
"Correct."
"But that's an infinite amount of doors you're talking about. We could be walking through them for thousands, if not hundreds of years. How long would it take to walk in a straight line?"
"..."
"Yo, computer dude." Called The Commander.
"Hmm?"
"Why'd you black out there for a second?"
"I was just calculating the time it would take to simply walk to the Server."
"And?"
"It appears I have not been given a high enough number counter to fulfil the calculation."
"I don't know about the rest of you, but I opt for the doors." Said Enemy.
"You ready to save everything buddy?" Phill asked Snot.
"Just remember that if I get injured or exhausted then you have my permission to shoot me." Answered Snot. "You know what, just forget the injured or exhausted bit."
"I will meet with you once again after my next cycle is complete. Good luck and I will kill you."
"Catch ya later, Sir." Said The Commander, preparing to enter through a door until he interpreted Sir's last sentence. "What did you say?"
"I am sorry but there are several things I haven't told you. Time is of the essence, after all. Firstly, my last name is Ver."
"Sir Ver." Said Enemy. "I almost knew that was a setup for a horrible, horrible joke."
"Secondly, I am partially connected to the Main Server like a remote node to interact with it and communicate to you."
"Anybody else getting the feeling that the plot is about to thicken?" asked Parts.
"Thirdly, as part of my countermeasures for detecting viruses that are trying to tamper with my main counterpart, I must destroy you by deploying my anti-virus drones."
"Say what?" exclaimed The Commander.
"Say what?" exclaimed Phill.
"Say what?" exclaimed Enemy.
"Say what?" exclaimed Parts.
"Say what?" mumbled Snot, slightly excited.
Name just stood there quietly. He kinda saw this coming. Couldn't remember what had tipped him off, but it might just be that he hated that Sir had singled him out as the reason the Universe ended.
"Nortons: attack." Slowly, monotonously, five orange circles drifted down from the bright light in the sky. They each had a line in the centre but no eyes. Evilly, they closed in on the Greens.
"Charge." They droned, their lines fizzling along with their speech.
"Walk away!" ordered The Commander who lead his squad towards the first door he could find. Easily, he turned the handle and they all walked through, closing the door behind them.
"I really need to invest in upgrades."
"Charge."
"Oh, shut up."
"Argh!" screamed Phill continuously as he plummeted through the clouds. They had only walked through their first door to find that it lead to a high sky. Great start. Soon, the heavy cloud cover lessened and Phill glimpsed The Commander beside him. "What do we do?" he screamed.
"Brace for impact!" ordered The Commander.
"How the hell does someone brace for this?"
"I don't wanna die!" screamed Enemy from above. "I still have so much to see, so many women to do!"
"Wee!" whizzed by Parts, enjoying the fall. Phill felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around, with great difficulty, to see Snot falling behind him.
"I just wanted to tell you that I am glad I followed you guys out here."
Name plummeted, arms folded. Somehow he knew something like this would happen again.
The clouds finally cleared and a thin white line was revealed beneath them. It seemed almost impossible to land on, yet somehow that was happening. One by one, they crashed to the ground until five crumpled forms were left lying in the thick snow. They managed to pull their faces out of the ice and looked around, amazed at their survival of such heights. "Wee!" came from above as Parts slowly wafted down to the ground with a parachute as aid. He landed with a soft sound and took off the parachute. "That was fun."
"Where the hell did you get a parachute from?" asked Enemy forcefully.
"I found it out it was one of my options." Chirped Parts happily.
"One of your options? Does somebody know how we're supposed to translate for this guy?"
"Just look at this cool menu I found." He started fumbling around in the rear of his armour, to the disgust of the others. "The person who put it there knew exactly where I would look; he stashed it right up my-"
"Yeah, maybe you should just show us from a distance there, Parts." Suggested Parts.
"Don't worry; I'm not carrying diseases...on that end, at least."
"Parts!"
"Okay, fine!" Parts took out a small blue square from behind then, pulling it from its sides, stretched it out so that the rest of the Greens could see the symbols scattered around its face.
"It looks like an assortment of tools for combat." Summarised The Commander. "I can make out weapons and equipment...however badly it may be drawn. Amateurs."
"Why would we need this when we have..." began Phill but stopped himself when he realised he couldn't validate the ending of his sentence as the weapons they had all been carrying had disappeared. "What the-"
"This is an outrage!" spat The Commander. "I feel naked without my rocket launcher. Don't say a damn thing, Parts."
The squad then noticed Name; he was staring up in the sky because he had noticed something unusual. Unlike the others, he had already seen that they had no guns and he had already found the arsenal catalogue in his arsenal but what really puzzled him were the six green hovering '100s' above their heads.
"What in cherry-ripe chocolate are those?" asked The Commander. "Did we enter the Matrix? Can I do cool kung-fu moves now? Hiya!" he screamed as he sent his foot flying through the air, kicking Enemy in the face.
"Ow!" Enemy moaned. "Watch where you're swinging that!"
"Sorry, force of habit." Suddenly, Enemy's number decreased by one and became '99'.
"Guys, I hate to say it" began Phill timidly; "but those are health counters."
"If you hated to say it, why did you say it?" asked Snot.
"But what are they for?" asked Enemy.
"Hmm...I'm gonna do some recon. You guys just stay here." Said The Commander and started climbing up the small hill nearby. He reached the top and looked down on the world around him; they were on a glacier of some sort, resting in the middle of an ocean. From here, he noticed that the entire world was flat; missing a dimension but that didn't stop him from seeing the others on the island. On both sides, surrounding the squad, were small pinkish figures that also had large '100s' hovering in the sky above them of different colours; one red, the other blue, all mixed together. He knew immediately that this wasn't good. "We're under attack!" he called back to the squad. "There are two other teams; a red and a blue! I'm guessing they have everything we have to fight with!"
"Do you see the door?" enquired Phill.
"No! It must be buried under the ice somewhere!" Suddenly, the figures all turned towards the Green's residing area menacingly. "Get digging! I'm coming down!" The Commander turned to walk back down the hill, but his feet wouldn't leave that spot. "I can't move!"
"I'll help you!" insisted Phill but was stopped by Part's call.
"Stop! You shouldn't move!"
"Why the hell not? He's out in the open; he could get shot at any time!"
"This is basically like a game; we each have a timed go to move, attack or defend and The Commander has used up his turn. Now, as far as I can tell, it's your turn but you shouldn't waste the time you have getting yourself in the same trouble as him."
"Then what do you suggest I do?"
"Dig!" commanded The Commander. "Forget me; I'll draw their fire for this go!" Phill was conflicted but there wasn't much say for him in this matter. He chose the blowtorch from the options and began digging downwards. Unfortunately, it only lasted five seconds and Phill had dug himself into a hole.
"What the hell is this crap?" he complained. "Guys, get me out!"
"Why? You're probably in the safest place in the whole glacier." Surmised Enemy correctly. Phill thought about this and nodded in agreement.
"Good point." He admitted. "Whose turn is it now?" Parts hesitated. "What?"
He gulped; "Theirs."
"Ooh shit." Said Phill.
"Ooh shit." Said Enemy.
"Ooh lady marmalade." Said The Commander. One of the creatures moved closer to The Commander, close enough so that he could see it; it was a worm. "Huh." He said.
"What?" asked Enemy.
"I don't think we have to worry." Assured The Commander. "They're only little cartoon worms that are life size."
"That's weird." Said Enemy.
"That's unlikely." Said Phill.
"That's contradictory." Said Snot. "What? Nobody else picked that up?"
"They seem pretty harmless to me...at least that was before this guy pulled out a pistol." The worm shot three times. "Miss! Miss-Ow! Son of an amoeba!" The Commander's counter dropped to '93'. A far off worm pulled out a homing missile and aimed a small red dot at The Commander's face. "Watch it!" he shouted. "Those things cause eye damage!" It fired the missile which fell short, impacting the ground just in front of The Commander. "Haha! Missed!" His counter dropped to '92'. "Aw, bastard." Two worms on either side shot their machine guns directly at him, luckily though, The Commander spread his legs just in time so that the last few shots just missed him and instead hit the firing worms. The next worm sent a laser by, shooting it up through the ice at an angle, almost hitting the squad who weaved out of the way. Another sent a grenade flying over The Commander's head towards the trench the squad was hiding inside. "Incoming!" called The Commander. The grenade didn't have enough time to fall as it exploded just high enough in the air.
"Who the hell's turn is it now?" hollered a pissed off Enemy. Parts checked his sheet.
"Yours!" he shouted.
"Give me whatever looks good on that list of yours." Quite suddenly, a shape appeared in Enemy's hands which slowly turned into a struggling, fleecy sheep. Enemy turned back to Parts. "Seriously? This looks good to you." Parts shrugged in response. "Why do I bother asking? Look, I think the idea in warfare is to choose something that may be of value in battle to defeat the enemy!" he exclaimed, throwing away the sheep which began leaping its way over the ice. "What fucking good is a sheep in a warzone?" BANG went the sheep sending several worms flying through the air; one drowning in the ocean and another landing exactly where it had been before but it died leaving behind a ready-made grave with its remains. Enemy was impressed. "I take that last part back." The third worm suddenly landed in the middle of the Greens. "I take back that take back."
"Let me guess; it's his turn, isn't it?" asked Snot. Parts nodded sadly. The worm looked at the five Greens before focusing its attention on Parts.
"This doesn't look good." Said a hopeless Parts.
"Shh!" hissed Phill. "Keep absolutely still; its eyesight is based on movement."
"How the hell could you possibly know that?"
"I don't. I just really wanted to say that line." Parts held his breath, waiting for the attack. The worm quickly extended his arm, causing Parts to flinch but nothing happened. Parts saw the worm's hand outstretched as if to shake hands.
"Do you...want to be friends?" he asked. The worm blinked innocently at him, it didn't seem as threatening as before. Parts slowly extended his own hand to shake. Unfortunately, it was all a ploy and the worm punched Parts square in the face. "Alright you earth-sucking piece of shit." Cursed Parts, standing up with a vengeance. "Payback's a bitch." Parts returned the punch to its sender, sending him flying face first into the hill where he became his own grave.
"Wow, you can be a total badass when you need to be." Whistled Enemy.
"Up in the sky!" shouted Phill, pointing up. "Look!"
"It's a bird!" shouted Snot.
"It's a plane!" shouted The Commander.
"It's a sheep?" said a rather confused Enemy.
"Ooh! Me first!" Guess who said this. Indeed, a sheep wearing a cape was flying above them, gracefully swooping in the sky before nosediving directly at them.
"Take cover!" shouted the only squad member far enough away not to be hit by the explosion as sheep impacted ice. The Commander was untouched, and miraculously so was Phill who was no longer in a hole. Enemy, Snot, Parts and Name's counters were each at least thirty points down, give or take a few either way.
"What." Began Enemy. "The fuck." He continued. "Was that?" Just then, a crate fell on his head.
"A bonus crate!" jumped Parts. "Supplies or weapons or something useful!" Enemy opened it, taking out a small red button.
"Whose turn is it?"
"Name's." Enemy chucked the red button to Name.
"Make some use outta this."
Name scanned the horizon to the rear, especially the area where worms were gathering in their little group. With great pleasure, he aimed his little red button at them and pressed his thumb down. A great roar whooshed overhead as a plane flew overhead and dropped several canisters that resembled missiles. They plummeted, falling directly on the attacking worms and wiped a few of them from the face of the world. This ought to even the odds.
"We're running out of options here!" shouted Parts over the cluster bomb that knocked Name back into the pit.
"I'm a little peckish." Said Snot. "Got any food on that menu?"
"Sure." Said Parts and selected the banana bomb for Snot.
"Snot, no!" shouted Phill. "That's a bomb! Throw it away!" Snot just stood there with the bomb clenched, a little tighter, in his hand. "Remember our promise? The royalties?"
"Do I have to-"
"YES!" Snot sighed.
"Fine. But if I have to pass up the opportunity to die this easily again, I get double."
"Fine."
"Every single time."
"FINE! JUST THROW THE FREAKING BOMB!" Snot complied with the orders and threw the banana bomb towards the ocean.
"Pity." He said. "Could have been the best banana I ever had." It then exploded and took a worm with it. "Yep. Best one."
"I remember the best banana I ever had was-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Parts." Said The Commander.
"Righteo. By the way, your turn."
"Good." Enthused The Commander, whipping out a baseball bat. "I am gonna savour this moment." He walloped the nearby worm into the sky. "You just went Commando. Did I just say that?" The worm landed, damaged but still alive. "Phill, keep on digging!"
"No arguments." Phill turned on the blowtorch once more and dug deeper. "I can see something down here under the ice but I think it's better you guys skip your moves so that I can dig faster. Defend only when you have to." BANG! The Commander landed with a crash inside the crater.
"We'll have to soon; those slimy grubs are all headed this way." The worms were closing in, each of them ready to kill the first green they laid their eyes on. One worm peeked its head over the lip of the crater right into the barrel of Enemy's bazooka.
"Sorry, not ready for you yet." He said before blasting it back across the map.
"Skip!" shouted Parts. Another worm poked its head in but was shot away by Name.
"Skip!" shouted Snot. A third worm appeared, and another. The Commander could only shoot away one.
"You don't have a lot of time! They're overwhelming us!" he shouted to Phill who was already cutting his way deeper. He finally reached the top of the door.
"I'm here! I'm here!" he shouted excitedly but then the torch went out. "No. No! No! No!"
"What?" asked Enemy.
"I was so close to getting there!"
"We'll just go through another cycle."
"Uh-oh." Said Parts. "We're out of blowtorches." More worms appeared, ready to attack on their next turn.
"So what do we do?" asked Snot, but Enemy already had an idea.
"A laser beam cuts through ice. We'll just use that." Enemy pulled out the laser and aimed it down at Phill.
"Wait!" shouted Phill defensively. "You can't hurt me!"
"Why?"
"Well...I-I'm the only one on one hundred health." He said pitifully.
"Life's unfair, Phill. You just gotta accept it." and then he turned on the laser, burning Phill in the process. When it was all over, the door was revealed and Phill's counter was down to fifty.
"You team-hurting-fuck-tard!"
"Get in the door! All of you!" ordered Enemy. Phill went through first, followed by Enemy and Name.
"Go ahead!" yelled The Commander. "I got this!" Parts and Snot left without another word. Then, a large ripple rolled over the world. The Commander thought at first it was a worm attack, but they seemed just as confused as he was. He started walking backwards towards the hole but then he realised it wasn't his turn. This Universe was being affected as well now, and all of its boundaries no longer existed. Unfortunately, the worms discovered this at the same time and continued their slow advance, brandishing their bombs for a suicide run. They threw them at The Commander who narrowly avoided the sticks of dynamite, proximity bombs and other sheep. He glanced up and saw a new type of bomb hurtling towards the ground amidst a shower of missiles; this one had a cross on it. It was the Holy Hand Grenade. With great urgency, The Commander dove down into the hole as the explosion engulfed everything on the surface and followed him down, melting the ice around him. He only just made it through to the other side as the fire licked his boots and the doors closed behind him.
"That was a close shave." He understated immensely, brushing himself off. "Where the hell are we now?" They had left the strange ice world behind and entered something similar to the hall of doors, except instead of doors there were now several rips in the fabric of the space-time continuum.
"Those things look like sinks." Described Enemy. "Or something else I used to plug." He raised his hand for a high-five but was left hanging.
"At least we have our guns back." Said Phill. "Snot, you still carrying the connection in your head?"
"Yes." Sighed Snot like a teenager whose mother had just asked him the same question for the hundredth thousand time.
"No offence, but how can you tell?"
"There is a beeping noise in my head."
"Damn, that sounds awful. If I had that in my head I'd want to kill myself."
"...You're a really inconsiderate human being." Snot turned his attention to the rips. "Hey, if I touch this, do you think it'll kill me?"
"Nobody touch nothing." Ordered The Commander. "Sir said nothing about what these were so we leave them alone." but too late. Parts had already started shoving his whole arm into one of the rips, giggling. "Parts! Stop putting your arm in that hole!"
"But I love putting my arms in holes." Complained Parts.
"I don't know whether to be glad that that was the first thing he said that I can concur with or whether that was a double entendre for a butthole." Commented Enemy.
"Besides Commander," continued Enemy; "I've opened it up a little and I can see Blood Gulch."
"Our old canyon?" said The Commander, astounded. "Close it quick." Parts peered deeper inside.
"There's no one here."
"Of course not, we're gone." Suddenly, the portal closed itself over Parts' head.
"Argh! I hate it when holes do that!" he shouted. The squad ran to assist, pulling him by the legs and trying to tug him out.
"It's not happening too quickly." Said Phill. "Does anyone have any butter?"
"Oh sure." Sarcastically mooed Enemy. "Butter, cos we carry it all the time. Standard issue, don't enter the battlefield without it. Great fucking idea, genius!"
"Hey, we've got time to think of something. It's not like anything else is happening at this very moment." Clang!
"Are you happy? I mean, are you glad that you know what all of the jinxes are and yet you say them constantly? Were you sent here by Lucifer or do you come with every squad to screw up their missions with your constant jinxing?" One of the orange circles descended from the sky, looking straight down at the Greens in their predicament.
"Charge." It droned, drawing closer.
"It's only one." Asserted Phill. "We'll be okay." Several more appeared.
"Charge." They droned, drawing closer.
"I'll shut up."
"Ten seconds ago, I would be glad if you would."
"Guys! Pull me out!" screamed Parts. "It's cold and it's dark in there...Ooh, a penny!"
"Keep pulling you lazy sons of bitches!" The Commander roared, pulling against the portal's strength, but it was no use.
"You should just leave me behind." Said Parts.
"No! We're not leaving a man...a wo...a thi...We're not leaving anyone behind, okay?"
"Just be gentle."
"That's what she said." Sneered Enemy.
"What a coincidence, that's what he said too."
"Great, now I gotta shut up."
And that was the situation; the Universes rest in the balance, the only thing capable of bringing back order was at the same time trying to help them and kill them, the only person who could help was suicidal, the only way to save the Universes is to journey through an infinite amount of doors through these dangerous decaying worlds unsure if you are getting closer or moving further away from your objective and now they had to deal with rips in space and time and the orange Nortons.
Not a good start. But hey, it was a lot more interesting than anything that went on in that canyon.
That was Chapter One. Thank you for reading it and I hope you enjoyed it. This was really the first time I had the chance to stretch my legs with this storyline without the confines of the canyon and game in mind and I think it's all the better for it. The next story sees the Greens going through more games you may recognise and finding out more about the world in which they live in. All this and more in 'Lagging the LAN', coming to a FanFiction site near you!