Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you'd call
After
They had crossed together. The three of them- him, June, and Hannah. They had separated them. He was taken to a holding cell. He didn't know where June and Hannah were. He didn't know if they were okay. He didn't know if the cut on Hannah's arm had been taken care of or if June had been given anything to drink. She was dehydrated- she gave all her water to Hannah. He hadn't had any to give her. No one would tell him anything.
All he knew was four walls. Grey, cold walls, rough concrete floor, no window. All he knew was fear and four walls. It had to have been hours. He hadn't heard her voice in hours. They had gone longer in Gilead. He knew that of the three of them he should be more worried about himself. But he wasn't. He was sitting in a room too small for him to take five steps in. He was staring at four walls. He knew his eyes were wider than they should be- the images in his mind more frightening than anything that could happen to him in this cell.
He reined in the fear. He reined in the worry. And for a moment he could feel something else- something like hope. Dangerous. Hope had always been dangerous for him. It told him to fight when he shouldn't. It told him to join the underground. It told him to let the new Handmaid into his apartment. It told him that a baby wasn't terrible. Hope was deadly to him.
But he still sat there, silent, staring at four grey walls…
Hoping to hear her call his name.
It's just a cruel existence…
Before
He had to stand there. He couldn't leave. He couldn't say no. He had to stand there and put a ring on this woman's finger. He had to say 'I do'. He had to make her his wife. He couldn't say no. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He should have had a warning. He didn't even know her name. He didn't know anything about her. He had walked into his own fucking wedding and he didn't know.
How the fuck…
He looked into the audience. He saw her- June. For the first time in days, he saw emotion. And for the first time in days he wished he didn't. Because all he saw was pain. Pain and defeat and resignation. He saw things that he had never associated with the woman that he knew June to be. She didn't show her pain to anyone. She never let anything beat her. And she was incapable of accepting anything she didn't believe in.
He couldn't look away from her. As much as it killed him, he couldn't stop looking at her. Until she looked away. Until she slipped back behind her walls. Until she let him go…in more ways than one. Then he was taking in another woman. No. A child. He took in the child in front of him. He took in the absolute innocence in her eyes. He saw the hope and joy and fear on her face. The face of a child.
He had always known. But this…this was cosmic proof…
The only existence in Gilead was a cruel one.
Like there's no point hoping at all
Before
She wouldn't change her story. She wouldn't lie. He knelt there in front of his wife- his child bride. This was the end- her end. Fifteen years old and she would die today. For wanting a boyfriend. For being a teenager. For wanting to be wanted. Eden would die and he couldn't get her to just lie.
He could have cried when she said she didn't want to have his baby. He could have screamed when she said she was sorry. Because what the fuck did this girl have to be sorry for? She didn't love him. That was fine. She was happy with Isaac. That was okay. He could live with that. He could be happy for her.
But fucking Gilead…
His mind took him back to every single time he stayed silent instead of talking to her. He remembered every act of kindness he didn't try to repay. He thought of the night he took this girl's virginity. He was cold and distant. Perfunctory. An asshole. He was an ass to her. And this girl in front of him was nothing but kind and light.
And she was going to die.
There was no point hoping for anything else. There was no point hoping at all. Because there was no hope in this place. There was no good in a place that could kill her. He looked at this girl before him and in that moment he saw his daughter, he saw Hannah. He saw his little girl standing in a white dress being given to a grown man she didn't know or want. He saw Hannah in a red dress carrying some man's baby because the only other option was death.
His head dropped to Eden's lap. He felt her hands in his hair.
Hope…
Hope got you killed.
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night
Before
He sat in the kitchen at Jezebels. Beth was talking to him. He could hear her voice. But her words were muffled, the meaning lost to him. His mind was in a room on the fifth floor. His mind was torturing him with images of the first Offred. Dead look in her eyes as she walked to her room. Rita's scream. Her, hanging from the ceiling. Body cold in his arms.
Then it was June. Blue eyes unseeing. Skin cold where it should be warm. Stiff in his arms as he carries her to a black van. He had lived this nightmare already. He couldn't do it again. He couldn't do it with June. But it was all happening again. Secret meetings in his office. Trips out when Mrs. Waterford wasn't home. Nights in room 507. Going through the same motions expecting a different result.
The definition of insanity.
He felt cold. He felt like there was an itch under his skin. He felt like the blood in his veins had turned to needles- sharp pinpricks of pain everywhere. He was slowly unraveling. And the feeling got worse the longer they were upstairs. The needles felt sharper with each word Beth spoke. He unraveled more with every response he forced out of his mouth. Acting like nothing was wrong. Pretending that the thought of Waterford touching June while he sat in this kitchen and ate pasta he couldn't taste wasn't making him sick.
He didn't know when it happened. He wasn't sure when the walls changed. But he knew when the sun came up. He knew that despite being in Beth's bed, he hadn't slept. He had heard her tell him to go to her room. He had listened to the steady tread of his footsteps on the floor. He had heard people moving in the halls. He had heard the creak of the bed as he lay down.
But Waterford didn't call.
And Nick stayed up all night.
All night and every day
Before
He watched her. He had from the beginning, but it was different now. Before he watched her critically, looking for warning signs, trying to keep her from finding an escape she couldn't come back from. But now he watched her casually. He looked for the challenging lift of her eyebrow. He looked for the blush when he looked at her a little too long. He watched the way she moved, light and graceful and strong.
Sometimes he didn't sleep. He would stay awake and take in the way she breathed. He would memorize the shape of her lips or the way her lashes rested against her cheeks. He would trace his hands along the line of her body. Or he would enjoy the sight of her riding him. The way her chest flushed and her thighs trembled. His eyes would trace a bead of sweat as it trailed along her skin. It was less casual then. Sometimes it was almost painful.
But he still watched- every day.
Her hands peeling potatoes for Rita. Her red dress swirling along the floor. The smile she gave when she saw a friend. And the one she gave when she saw Serena or Fred. But he loved when she looked at him. He loved feeling her eyes on him. Hoping she was watching him for the same reasons he was watching her. Because he couldn't do anything else. Because she fascinated him. Because the feelings he got when she was in his line of sight were stronger than anything he had felt since before Gilead.
Give me something
Before
'We've been sent good weather.'
He hated that phrase. He hated the blank expression of her face. He hated the emptiness in her eyes. He couldn't get through to her. He couldn't see her. June had retreated so far within herself that he wasn't even sure she could find her way back out. And he was scared of how much it seemed like she didn't want to.
The vibrant woman he had gotten to know. The defiant, strong-will, independent person he had fallen in love with was nowhere to be seen. There was nothing but an empty vessel that had her face. And it scared him as much as it hurt to watch. And the longer he watched the more the fear grew.
So he found his way to her room. He found himself kneeling beside her bed, staring at her while she stared at the ceiling. The ceiling the first Offred had died hanging from. "June." Nothing. Not one twitch. "June, look at me." Eyes steady on the white surface above her. Mind somewhere so far he couldn't follow.
His hand took hold of hers.
"Give me something, June."
She pulled away.
But you say nothing
Before
There was so much blood. He had never seen her so pale. She laid in his arms, limp, clothes soaked from the rain, silent. And there was so much blood. It seeped into the grass around her; her thighs were stained red with it. She was so cold. So he held her closer, one hand falling to her stomach. And it had been years, but Nick found himself praying. Because he couldn't lose them both. He couldn't exist in a world where the woman he loved and the child they made were gone.
His voice was shaking as he called for help. And he hated to do it. Because he knew that they would take her from him. He knew that he would have to pretend that this woman wasn't his everything. He would have to act as if the child she carried was nothing more than his employer's little miracle. But the strain on his voice didn't stop. Because he could survive her being out of his arms. He couldn't handle her being gone.
And as he saw lights come on, as he heard footsteps rushing to him, Nick held her tighter. He whispered her name, her real name. Because she always answered him. Anger, fear, sadness, she answered to her name. So his thumb brushed over the place where there baby was. His forehead pressed against hers. And he called her by her name.
"June…June…Please…"
She didn't answer.
She said nothing.
They took her from him.
What is happening to me?
Before
She stepped into his apartment. She took her bonnet off. Unclipped her hair, let it fall. Her hands went to the chain around his neck. He ducked his head as she took his dog tags off. It had been a very long time since he had taken them off- longer since someone else had. His breath caught when her hands fell to the bottom of his shirt. His stomach clenched when her fingers brushed his sides as she pulled the shirt off.
She took a step forward. He took one back. His eyes stayed locked on her as she undid her dress, and she pulled it from her shoulders, pushed it down her hips. But he saw her. Then she was stripping off her undershirt, and taking off her bra. And he saw her. She pushed down her undershorts.
Then she was naked before him.
And he saw her. He tasted her. He felt her. Warm and soft and smooth. He heard her. Gasps and sighs and moans. She pulled him down to her and there was nowhere he wanted to be more than right there- between her thighs. Feeling the wet warmth of her low on his stomach. The pain and pleasure of her nails digging into his skin.
He slid inside of her and lost the ability to breathe, see, think. Hot and tight and perfect- she was perfect. He let her set the pace, fell into her rhythm. Tasting the salt on her skin. Tongue tracing around her nipple just to leave it untouched. Enjoying the whine in her throat and the frustrated press of her heels into his back as a result. Her hand in his, pinned to the bed. Because she couldn't keep touching him. Not right then.
And when he looked up he saw her. The fire and the want and the pleasure. The independence and dominance in her rising as she flipped them, sank down onto him. The need to feel and be felt, to want and be wanted. She chased her pleasure and indulged in her desire in a way that couldn't be anything other than defiance. And it was as hot as the clench of her inner muscles wrapped tight around him.
And as she rode him, as his mouth pressed to every inch of available skin he could reach. As her hands fisted his hair and his gripped her waist he couldn't stop one thought. As white hot pleasure knocked the breath from his lungs, and this amazing woman chanted his name as she came one thought clawed at his throat.
'What the hell is happening to me right now?'
I don't wanna live forever
Before
He could be okay with just this. He didn't need more than this moment. Lying on the floor of the Boston Globe, the sun just rising. June draped across his chest, her finger tracing invisible patterns on his chest. He could live in this moment- with her- forever. And if it all ended right then, as long as June was alright he could die happy, knowing that he had this moment.
He had never understood the appeal of living forever. Watching nations rise and fall, each one worse than the one before. No, he would rather have a handful of perfect moments. He would rather watch the people he loves be happy and safe and free. He didn't need forever. He just needed a moment like this to live in and hold onto. He needed June. He needed their baby.
The sound of his watch beeping brought Nick out of his thoughts. June tightened her grip on him, pressed closer. His arms wrapped around her, pulled her in so there was no space between them. It was the same thing every time he had to leave. Holding onto each other. Holding on to the moment. Precious in its impermanence. Haunting in its absence. Always theirs.
He pulled June on top of him, moving her so she could sink down onto him. His hands guiding her movement, steadying her rhythm. His senses memorizing everything about this. Living in this moment. Breaths mingling, hands grasping, eyes locked. The sharp sting of her teeth on his lower lip. The broken moan in her throat as his thumb finds her clit. Perfection.
If this isn't forever… then he doesn't want it.
'Cause I know I'll be living in vain
Before
He looked down at his baby girl. Her sleepy eyes blinking up at him. Her little mouth opened adorably wide in a yawn. June was pressed against his side her head on his shoulder. And he only wanted this for the rest of his life. The three of them, together, as a family. He wanted to watch this little girl grow up. He wanted to take her to the park and teach her to read. He wanted to stick terrible drawings on the refrigerator. He wanted that life.
And he wanted June in his bed every night. He wanted to wake up to her messy hair, and her arm flung across the bed because she sleeps like a crazy person when she feels safe. He wants to love this woman for the rest of his life. Fight with her, make up, laugh, cry, all of it. With her.
Nick had always known that he was drifting in Gilead. He knew that being here, being a part of this was because he had given up on ever having anything good. But here, in this room, that all went away. This was good. It was more than anything he had thought he would ever have. And the two people in that room were his entire world.
But he could give them better. He could give them more than this one good moment. He could give Holly a real life. He could give June actual freedom. And if he didn't what was the point? His life, his love, it would be pointless if he didn't fight for them to have the best chance possible. And he couldn't drift anymore- not with this. Not with them.
"I love you."
He turned his head. June was giving him the sweetest smile. And it killed him because that solidified it. There were no other options after she said that. He looked at his daughter. Small, defenseless, beautiful. He couldn't drift. He held Holly closer. He enjoyed the weight of June pressed against him.
They were getting out.
And I don't wanna fit wherever
Before
He liked his apartment. It was simple. Not enough space to make it feel lonely. Not so small he felt trapped. It was the one place he felt like he could relax. It was a lie, but it was one he clung to anyway. He knew that at any moment someone could kick in his door and go through everything he owned. He knew that one suspicion from Waterford and he could lose the false security this place above the garage afforded him. But for the moment it was his.
At least it had been…before.
Now it had yellow curtains at the window. Now grey dresses hung in the closet beside black shirts. Now there was a wife. A child. Eden. And the space wasn't his anymore. It was theirs. At least that was what Eden wanted. She wanted a 'them'. She wanted to be a part of his life, not just a person in his home. She wanted to fit- with him. But she didn't and he couldn't make her.
But now he didn't fit either. His skin felt too tight. He felt nervous in a place he once felt confident. He didn't sleep- he couldn't with a stranger in his bed. No, he could sleep with a stranger, just not his fifteen year old wife. He didn't eat as much. He should- she cooked for him. She liked cooking for him. But eating together meant spending time together. It meant staying in that small apartment filled with awkward silence or stilted conversation. It meant not going to the Waterford's kitchen and eating with Rita.
It meant not seeing June.
And maybe that was the real problem. The problem he didn't want to admit to. Because June fit where Eden didn't. June, lying across his bed, made sense. Eden, perched on the edge of the mattress, didn't. June reaching out, holding his hand- that fit. And maybe if he tried a little harder, maybe if he let his guard down, he could find a way to fit with Eden. But he…couldn't. He didn't want to. He didn't want that with Eden, or any other girl handed to him by the Commanders. He didn't want to make sense in a different apartment or in a new job. He didn't want to fit wherever. He wanted to fit with June.
But he couldn't.
So he slept less, and lived with the feeling of too tight skin.
I just wanna keep calling your name
Before
Her hand was clasped in his. They were walking along the beach. She had blue polish on her toes. The waves washed over her feet and she skipped away. Her hand fell from his and she danced ahead of him, turning to walk backwards to she could see him.
'Why didn't we do this sooner?'
Her yellow shorts had sandy handprints on them. Holly's fault. There was a pink stain from a melted popsicle on the t-shirt she wore over her bikini top. Hannah did that one. He couldn't help but smile at the sight of her.
'Because it was winter in Michigan.'
She laughed- head thrown back, smile wide. She flung her arms out and swirled in circles. It was Holly's latest thing. He saw the same joy in June's blue eyes that was always there in Holly's. And the same bright smile on June's face that he loved to see on Hannah.
'June.'
She stopped spinning, falling into him as she caught her balance. Her eyes wide, waiting for him to say more. But there was nothing more to say. Her smile went soft and he knew she understood.
'I love you, too, Nick.'
He met her at the garden's back gate. There was no time to say anything. No time for goodbyes. But they both knew this could be the last time they saw each other. They could both be dead before the night was out.
"June..."
There was so much wrapped in that one word. And so much more he couldn't seem to fit. She placed Holly in his arms and he couldn't breathe for a moment. He might never see her again. She might never know how much he loved her or how hard he fought to get her out of this place. She might never know him. He looked up at the woman in front of him. Tears welled in her eyes as she stared at him.
"June."
"I want to memorize you. Just like this."
He held Holly closer, pressed kisses to her little face. He tried to memorize the shape of her nose and the blue of her eyes, the way her nose scrunched when she yawned. Because if this was all he got… "I love you, Holly. So much. Every day. I love you." Then he handed her to her mother. The absence of her little body felt so wrong. His soul felt as empty as his arms.
Then he looked at June. She had to go. They had to go.
"I love you, Nick Blaine from Michigan."
He pulled her into his arms, careful not to crush Holly. He pressed a kiss to her temple, his eyes closed as he held on to this moment- this feeling. June and Holly, safe in his arms. A family. His family. He pulled back. "June..."
"I know."
Then she was gone.
They were gone.
Until you come back home
Before
'Just go with them. Trust me.'
He kept seeing her face. He kept seeing the fear in her eyes. He saw her getting into that black van. And he saw it drive away. And he didn't stop it. He let them take her. He told her to go with them. And he regretted it the longer she stayed gone. He had been sure she'd be back by nightfall. He had been sure that the plan he had put into motion would be happening by now. But it wasn't because she still wasn't back.
'Trust me.'
Rita had given him pitying looks all through dinner. It had driven him crazy. He didn't want her pity. Pity meant that June wasn't coming back. Pity meant that he was hoping for no reason- because there was no reason. So he had left. He had gone to the garage and worked on the Waterford's car. There was nothing wrong with it, but he needed to do something.
'Trust me.'
But now he was sitting at his window. He was staring the white curtains in June's. The room was dark. It had been for hours. She still wasn't there. But he couldn't move from that spot. He wanted to be there. He wanted to know the minute the light turned on. He wanted her to be able to look out her window and see him- waiting for her.
So he would sit by the window.
Every night…
Until she came back.
I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
After
She had been in this apartment for days. She was still exhausted from getting out of Gilead. Exhausted for a lot of reasons. Hannah had nightmares every night. But she didn't want June to hold her. Holly, her precious baby, didn't know her. She cried all the time and June hadn't quite figured out what each cry meant yet. And it killed her- seeing her girls hurting so much. Not being able to help them like she wanted to.
And then there was Luke. He loved her. She loved him. They were married. But…they weren't. Not anymore. Because too much had changed. And she was trying- they both were- to find a middle ground. Hoping to be able to settle into their relationship again. But June could see in his eyes that there were things she didn't know. And there were so many things that Luke didn't know.
Which was why she was sitting on the floor, back against the bed. It was after two o'clock in the morning and she was still wide awake. She couldn't sleep. She could hardly breathe. Her mind was locked on one thing. One person. And she couldn't stop the fear that clawed at her insides the longer she went with no news. She couldn't help the knot in her stomach every time she looked at Holly and wondered if she would ever get to know her father.
She smiled during the day. She kept on a brave face for her family- all of them. Moira understood, but it still wasn't the same. June hadn't thought that she could ever be closer to anyone than Moira, but she was with Emily. Everything they had been through in Gilead, the things they had both suffered. Being a Handmaid was so different than anything else and Moira couldn't understand the finer pains, the subtle losses that being a Handmaid meant. But Emily was gone now.
The only other person who had been there with June- who knew what she had to go through- wasn't here. The man who made her feel safest- made her feel sane- was locked up somewhere. And so every night, her mind took her to him. Was he hurt? Was he cold? Did they tell him anything about her or Hannah? She knew he'd be worried about them. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to kiss him and love him and tell him that everything would be okay.
One thing- her mind was stuck on one thing.
And she couldn't have him.
Wondering if I dodged a bullet
Before
It was good. It was fine, it was fine, really. It was probably- definitely- the smart thing to do. Fuck. He broke up with her. It was laughable. It was ridiculous. She was lying in a bed that didn't belong to her, in a house that she couldn't leave. She was being forced to have sex with a creep so she could carry his child, and she was crying over a break-up? A break-up that shouldn't have even been possible because being together was literally illegal.
Fuck.
She shouldn't be crying right now. She should be happy that Nick had the sense to end things before they got caught. They had avoided so many problems, hadn't they? And honestly, she hadn't been nearly as careful as Nick had. If they had been caught… Aunt Lydia would have found some new terrifying form of punishment that June really didn't want to imagine.
And Nick…
Nick would die. Nick would be killed. God, they had been so stupid. He was right. He was so right. They couldn't do this. She had to think of Hannah. She had to get out of here in one piece so she could find her daughter. And Nick… He just had to survive. Because she didn't know if she could handle any other outcome.
You dodged a bullet, June.
It was the right call, June.
So why wouldn't the tears stop?
Or just lost the love of my life
Before
He didn't speak to her for a week. Which shouldn't have mattered, they had gone a week without speaking before. But that was before. Before she knew about the birthmark on his left hip. Before he knew her real name. Before he got a wife. Before she told him to fuck said wife.
There had been opportunities. Thirteen times, they had been in the same room- alone- together. Thirteen times he said nothing to her. And of course June knew he had done it. She knew he had slept with that girl. Jesus, I told him to fuck a child. But she hadn't expected silence. She had figured that he'd do it, and then things would calm down a little.
Obviously they couldn't have full on conversations. But a simple 'good morning' wouldn't kill him. Except… You told him to fuck a child, June. And he had done it. For her. Because she asked him to. He had a right to be angry. Yet somehow this silence felt like more than anger. More than disappointment. This silence he had wrapped them in felt like an ending.
It felt like their ending.
God, how could she really expect him to just bounce back from this? How could she think he would be okay with this- any of it? The old June would be fucking terrified if he was okay with this. How selfish could she be? 'Go have sex with an underage teen because I need you to stay sane. Your morals and values obviously take second place on this one.'
He had told her he loved her. She said 'go fuck your wife' and he told her he loved her. And she walked away. She left him there. She didn't even say it back. And she could have. She could have told him she felt the same way. She should have told him. Because she did. She loved him. She loved him in ways she could never have imagined. She loved him and it was nothing like what she felt for Luke. It was so different and so deep that it scared her shitless.
And maybe that's why she didn't say it. Because she was scared. Because it could all vanish in an instant. He could vanish- this man who she couldn't imagine her life without. And then what? What would she have? If she didn't say- if she didn't acknowledge it- than it wasn't real, right? It couldn't break her. So she didn't say it back. She walked away.
And now there was just silence.
Now she wondered if she had truly lost him.
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, Up all night
Before
It was a wedding. It was his wedding. That bitch had made her watch him get married. She had to sit there and watch him get married. She could still feel the dread that came over her the first time he looked up at her. She could still feel the way her stomach had knotted and her skin had itched.
'He looks handsome, doesn't he?'
She had never hated Serena-fucking-Joy more.
And she could still hear the voice that had played in her head. Screaming. Endless screaming. No words, just screaming. She could still see the pictures that played in her mind as she watched him say 'I do'. Her hands wrapping around Serena's perfect Wife bun, and yanking so hard. Punching that stupid, evil, hateful bitch in the face until she was as ugly outside as she was inside. Finding Waterford. Shoving every single Scrabble piece down his throat. Because they did this to him. They did this to her. They took him from her. They kept taking things from her. And she couldn't…she didn't… she…
She felt crazy.
She still felt crazy. Pacing in her room. Her eye catching the light from his apartment every time she passed her window. That had been her saving grace. That had been her home in this fucking shithole and now… Now this sweet, innocent little girl that June hated herself for hating was in there. She would sleep in his bed. She would hold him at night. She would get to see his sleepy morning face. And it drove her crazy. Because that was hers. He was hers. He was the one thing that was good and pure and hers
How could she sleep knowing that he was lying next to that girl? How could she lay in her bed every single night as if she hadn't been sleeping in his for months? How could she go back to a Before when they were so very securely in an After? It didn't matter. It didn't matter because she didn't lie down. She didn't sleep.
She stayed up.
And she bled.
All night and every day
Before
She thought about the driver too much. And she watched him way too much. It was like an obsession. She would lie awake on the nights she couldn't sleep and wonder about him. What was he like? What did he do before Gilead? Did he like Skittles or M&M's? Was he a Queen fan or did he love Jay-Z? Maybe both. Probably both.
She thought about his hair. Did it curl like that naturally or did he do something to make it look that messily delicious. Yes, she could admit that half of her obsession was sexually motivated. She had eyes. The man was beautiful. She wondered if he was as well-build everywhere. She took a deep breath. No naughty thoughts, Offred. What would Aunt Lydia say?
Fuck Aunt Lydia.
At night was easy. She could imagine anything she wanted. Any position, any dirty talk. Every kink somehow ended up way hotter when she imagined it with the driver- Nick. But that was at night. During the day was harder. Because she had to act respectable. She couldn't just stare at him with open lust. She couldn't walk up to him and rip his shirt off to see if he lived up to what she imagined. She couldn't even talk to him.
Which was probably for the best, because her filter was never that great.
But even though she definitely should not…she still watched him. Every day. The way his sleeves were rolled up on his arms. The way his eyebrows (this man gave her an eyebrow kink. She didn't think that was even possible) furrowed when he concentrated on something. It was probably just because she hadn't had proper, consensual sex in…way too fucking long. But his ass- well sometimes she just wanted to bite it.
Yeah…
She really thought about the driver too much.
I gave you something
Before
She heard the kitchen door close. She heard his footsteps on the hardwood floor. She caught a glimpse of him taking off his gloves. But… She could barely look at him. She didn't want to look at him. Because if she looked at him she'd have to tell him. And if she told him, that made it real. She didn't want it to be real. She wanted it to be anything but real.
"What happened?"
For a second she was confused, still lost in her own thoughts. Then she realized- her face. She had to look at him then. So he could see that she was okay. "She found out. About the Commander." She had never seen Nick look that way before- so cold. It twisted something in her to know that it was for her- because he cared about her. She watched him nod. Take a step closer.
"You okay?"
No. No, she was not okay. Nothing about any of this was okay. Nothing about any of this could ever be okay. Then she realized that he wasn't asking about that. He didn't even know to ask about that. You could just…not tell him yet. Give yourself a few more hours to process things. No, she couldn't. She had to tell him. She gave a helpless shake of her head. "Um… I'm pregnant." She watched his entire face change.
"What?"
She couldn't look away from him. She couldn't even describe what she was seeing in his eyes. She didn't know a word for it. They held too many things. So she didn't try. She told him about the test, rambling about how Serena got it for a second. Then his hand was on her stomach and he was kneeling beside her. And she couldn't look at him like that. She couldn't handle seeing him like that.
"Don't. Please, don't… It's terrible."
She saw him shake his head from the corner of her eye. She felt the warm weight of his hand through her clothes. He lifted his head and she knew he was looking at her. She knew he was trying to gauge her feelings. She just couldn't look back. Not yet, not now.
"No, it's not."
Then she couldn't not look. And what she saw- it killed her. Because he was looking at her so softly. And there was the smallest hint of a smile playing on his lips. And she could see something- something hopeful- in his eyes. His thumb brushed over her stomach on top of her clothes and for a moment it felt like they were a normal couple. It felt like they were normal parents-to-be. Like maybe she could enjoy this.
Her hand covered his over her stomach. His face rested against her arm. Closer to her- always closer. And for that one moment everything was perfect and terrible and theirs. He looked at her and she looked at him, their hands covering their baby. And in that moment it felt like she gave him something.
It felt like she gave him something good.
But you gave me nothing
Before
Nothing. He gave her nothing. He never did. She knew nothing about this man. She slept in his bed. They fucked like the world was ending. And she knew nothing about him. No, wait, she knew his name. Nick. Did he have a last name? She could only assume. Most people did, after all.
But he hadn't told her. He didn't tell her anything. He knew everything about her. He knew about Luke and Hannah. He knew how she got caught. He knew why she was a Handmaid. He knew about Moira. He knew everything that mattered to June Osborne. He fucking knew that her name was June Osborne.
How the fuck could he stand there and try to break –up with her? How could he look so unaffected? How could he just not care? Except he did care- she knew that. She knew he cared. But nothing else about him. Nothing else that was remotely meaningful. And he tried not to let that show either sometimes.
"I don't know anything about you, you know. Nick, you won't tell me anything…so I don't know anything." She shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "I don't know who you are." And he just…looked at her. He looked at her and said nothing.
And it was like something snapped. She didn't know what she said after that. She didn't even know what he said when he finally said something. It was bullshit- she knew that. And all she could feel was anger and a pain she couldn't hide but would never admit to. She turned to walk out of the kitchen. Go back to the room she was assigned to. The room another girl with no name had slept in before her.
"Hey." His voice stopped her. "Wait, wait, wait." He came to stand in front of her, his hands on her arms the way they always were. She tried to get her emotions under control. She tried to focus on him. Because maybe, just maybe, he would give her something- anything to make her feel like she wasn't in this alone.
"My name is Nick Blaine. I'm from Michigan."
He gave her nothing.
What is happening to me?
Before
She heard the gunshot. She saw them put Nick in the back of the van. She watched them leave. And she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. She heard the shot. She saw them drag him to the van. She heard the shot. Oh, God, please no.
She couldn't lose them both. Not on the same day. Not so close together. She couldn't lose them both. Hannah, her baby, her little girl… God she needed more time. She wanted more time to just hold her. To tell her she loved her. She needed more time. And now Nick. They were taking him away. She didn't know if he was alright. She didn't know if he was hurt, if he needed her. They were taking him away. He was alone… She was alone.
She was alone.
Then there was a buzzing. Like the hum from the long lights in the doctor's office. And it was getting louder. Louder and louder until it was the only thing she could hear. Then the white she had been staring at changed. It was brighter than the snow- blinding. It was disorienting
What is happening? What is happening to me?
She was pregnant, in the middle of nowhere, with no car, alone. She was pregnant in a house with no power, in the middle of winter, alone. She pulled herself up from beside the window. She couldn't let them leave. She couldn't let them leave her here. She had to get back to the Waterford's. She had to get back to somewhere safer.
She stumbled down the front steps and into the snow. She couldn't see anything but white. She couldn't hear anything but the wind and her footsteps in the snow and her own breathing. And the buzzing- always the buzzing. There was nothing. There was no one.
She was alone.
I don't wanna live forever,
Before
She used to imagine what it would be like to live forever. To never die. To see history happen and then see how if changed the future. Then she wanted something simpler. She wanted to live with Luke and Hannah forever, just the three of them. Then forever because the rest of her life. She started to appreciate the fragility of life, how much more precious it was because it could be over so quickly.
Now she didn't want forever. She didn't need forever. She just wanted an hour, a day. She wanted any time she could get because it was becoming increasingly difficult to have any time with the people who mattered to her. She was constantly worried that the next time she saw them would be the last time.
It had been one week since she had seen Hannah and June would give anything to have had another hour with her. It had been a week since Holly was born and June would give anything to have one full day with her baby. To just look at her and count fingers and breathe in that new baby smell. She wanted to feed her baby. She wanted to change her diapers. She wanted to comb Hannah's hair.
Those moments- she would give a hundred forevers for those moments.
She wanted one more kiss from Nick. She wanted one more hug. She wanted one more night in Nick's bed. If she had known that the last time she slept with him would be the last time she slept with him… She wouldn't have fallen asleep. She would have stayed awake and memorized that moment- lived in that moment. She didn't need to live forever anymore.
And in Gilead she didn't want to.
Just give her one minute.
'Cause I know I'll be living in vain
Before
She had to tell him. There was no other option at this point. She had to tell him. Because he deserved to know. He deserved to hear it. And this moment was as perfect as they could get in Gilead. Her head rested on his shoulder, watching their little girl blinking curiously up at her father. June couldn't stop her smile as she took in how carefully Nick was holding Holly. As nervous as he was, June knew that there was nowhere safer that Holly could ever be.
She pulled back and saw the look on Nick's face. It was…complete adoration- total awe. There was so much love and he wasn't trying to hide it. She wasn't sure he could have even if he tried. Not in that moment. This little girl who couldn't even hold her head up properly had Nick Blaine wrapped around her pinkie finger. And it was devastating to see.
She pressed a kiss to his cheek. She couldn't help herself. She loved him. She loved this man so much. And seeing how much he loved her daughter just made June love him more. The words just slipped out. She couldn't have held them in any longer. There would have been no point to everything they had been through. This entire relationship- except Holly, never Holly-would have been in vain. There would have been no meaning behind every single moment that brought them here if she didn't say it.
"I love you."
And it was worth all the pain and fear she had been through since she got to this house. It was worth every tear and doubt. Because June had never had anyone look at her the way Nick did in that moment. She had never seen that much love and hope and peace in someone's eyes when they looked at her. It brought tears to her eyes even as her lips formed a smile.
And I don't wanna fit wherever
Before
It was strange how his apartment was more hers than her own room. Actually, it wasn't that strange. She was wanted here. She was valued here. In this little apartment over the garage, June was free. She heard her own name. She could sing off key and Nick would just smile and shake his head. They talked here, about everything and nothing. She had been wearing Gilead's skin for so long she had forgotten how it felt to be in her own.
She remembered here.
Sure, she could play the game. She had to play the game. Gilead would kill her if she didn't. Never show anger- it wasn't appropriate. Never talk back- it was disrespectful. Thank God for allowing her to be raped every month to fulfill her 'biological destiny'. Praised be… June could play the game. She could make herself fit whatever mold they forced her in to.
But here she didn't have to. In this apartment, with this man, she didn't have to fit anything or anywhere. She could be all or none of what she wanted. And he let her. He didn't try and stop her- not here. He enjoyed learning about who she was. He wanted to see June Osborne- the woman, the mother, the editor. He wanted whatever she gave him.
And she wanted whatever he gave her. She wanted to know him, memorize him. She wanted the pieces of his soul to fit with the pieces of hers. She wanted the secrets she kept from the world to be known by him. She wanted the emotion he hid outside these walls to show for her. And they did. Her body knew his. Her mind understood his. Her soul was entwined with his.
Nick Blaine and June Osborne…
They just fit.
I just wanna keep calling your name
Before
She had never screamed his name before. She had wanted to. The things that man did with his mouth…his hands… But she had never been able to. Someone would hear. They would get caught. It was too risky. So she bit her tongue until she bled. She held in any sound she could. Because if one slipped, it would all come out. She left nail marks on his back and bite marks on his shoulders. She had made herself stay quiet.
But not here. She bit back a satisfied smile. Her body was still buzzing from her high. Her fingers were shaking. Her breathing was shaky and her heart was still pounding. She shouldn't have the energy to think let alone smile. But she had screamed his name. And a lot of other things…
'Oh, God…'
'Please! Please, don't ever stop…'
'Fuck, Nick! Nick!'
She had always assumed that Nick was naturally quiet during sex. He was just a quiet person. But she had never been so turned on by being wrong. He was not quiet, not when he didn't have to be. Gasps and groans. Curses and moans. And her name. Always her name. And hearing him had just made everything so much more. More intense. More intimate. More erotic.
She turned her head to look at the man lying next to her. His chest was rising and falling steadily. His eyes were already on her. And there was this look that made her hot for him all over again. "I like when you say my name." She rolled her eyes even as she tried to hide her smile. She almost made a joke about his male ego. But it seemed a little hypocritical since she liked when he said hers, too. Still she raised an eyebrow in challenge- she let him see how badly she wanted him…again.
"Let's see if you can make me say it again."
He rolled on top of her.
It barely took ten seconds…
Until you come back home
Before
She had left a note in the car for him. It was reckless- stupid. She could have been caught- lost a finger. But she was blaming pregnancy brain. Hormones were really a bitch. Like no one tells you before you get pregnant how fucked your head gets and how your emotions make you feel like a trip to the psych ward would be best. So yeah, she left him a note.
And then she watched from her window as Eden brought him cookies for the trip. It was too many types of painful to watch. How badly Eden wanted to please Nick. How uncomfortable nick was around his wife. And how much June wished she was the one giving him snacks for his trip, how much she wished she was the one wearing his ring.
She pushed that thought away. She had a husband. He was alive and she loved him. She just wasn't sure how she loved him. The familiar feelings of guilt and sadness that came with thoughts of Luke made themselves known. This place…even love got twisted here.
June was pulled from her thoughts by the back door of the car closing. Her eyes focused on Nick again. Eden was gone. And he was standing there, leaning against the back of the car. She could see a small piece of paper in his hand. She knew it was her note before he looked at her window. He slowly unfolded the paper- his eyes locked on hers where he stood. She could see the hint of a smile and felt her own in return.
Then he looked down and she knew he was reading her words.
'Nick,
If you forget to bring them back, I won't mind.
Be careful. Canadians throw crazy parties
She bit her lip when she saw his smile widen.
I'll just be here… waiting until you come back home.
We'll miss you.
June and Baby'
She watched him refold the note and stick it in his wallet.
"Until you come back home…"
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
After
It was a nice restaurant. White tablecloths, crystal chandeliers, the centerpieces were lovely. The menu was amazing. There were so many options it was overwhelming. And after being restricted to Gilead's diet for so long, she honestly wasn't sure if she could handle very much. But she wanted to try.
She looked across the table and smiled. Luke looked so different now. His hair was shorter. He seemed to have a bit more muscle. But that excited look on his face was the same. She had seen it a hundred times before. She was glad that it still made her smile.
"So, what do you want, honey?"
She blinked. It had been a long time since she'd been called that. It felt weird. Good weird, but weird. Still, her smile didn't waver. She wanted this night to go well. She gave one more quick look at the menu. "I think something simple. The ravioli sounds amazing." She looked back to Luke as she closed her menu.
His brow was pinched the tiniest bit as he looked at her. But then it was gone. She almost asked, but it had barely been for a second. It probably didn't mean anything. She didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing.
'Great." But it didn't sound 'great'. It sounded like he had an opinion. He had a lot of those lately. Mostly about how she would have done or said or wanted something different before. And she was right. "What about a side? No salad? No veggies? You always got asparagus with your ravioli."
June sighed. She did that a lot lately, too. "Luke, I just don't want to eat too much right now. I'm still adjusting to regular food again." She had explained this already- more than once. And he had never been this invested in her eating habits before, so June had no clue what this was about.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to annoy you. Just want you to have everything you want."
She had thought the guilt would stop once she left Gilead. But it was just stronger. Constantly worrying about Nick. Trying to decide when to explain about Holly. Snapping at him for things he didn't understand. Blaming him for not getting her and Hannah out of there sooner. The guilt never seemed to go away now.
"It's fine. Let's just order, okay?"
She had to remind herself to smile. She had to remind herself that this was what she wanted.
You're happy, June.
You have your family back.
You love Luke.
You're happy…You're happy… You're happy.
"This really is a lovely restaurant, Luke."
I see you around in all these empty faces
After
He kept seeing her- June. It wasn't new. It had happened a lot in Gilead. A certain laugh, a hand gesture, a half-smile. It could all make him think of June. But now it was more than that. Every woman with blonde hair was June. Every pair of blue eyes were hers.
They weren't, of course. But he hadn't seen her since they got to safety. But his brain was running on no sleep and worry. And the one thing he needed to maybe feel okay was June. So that's what his mind gave him. Every corner he turned, ever shop window he glanced into. A seas of faces and he saw her in each one.
And every time he wanted to reach out. Every time he wanted to call her name. But then he'd stop himself. Because some part of him knew it wasn't her. It was never her. So he kept walking. He kept silent. He stopped waiting for the hand on his arm or the sound of her voice saying his name.
He stopped looking up when he walked.
The faces stayed empty that way.
Now I'm in a cab, I tell 'em where your place is
After
She had run outside as soon as she got the call. She hadn't stopped when Moira called after her. She didn't even pause when she heard Luke's footsteps behind her. She couldn't. She had been waiting so long. She had been waiting forever it felt like. And now she had what she needed.
It was raining. It was cold. She didn't have her jacket. She didn't have anything but her phone. That was good because she had one of those cases with slots for ID and money. Still a jacket might have been nice. She spotted a taxi down the street and started to wave it down.
"June! What the hell? Where are you going? Come inside."
She had forgotten about Luke behind her. God, how could she explain this? She saw the cab start making its way towards her. She turned to face Luke. That was the wrong thing to do. His face was so hurt. And there was this look of resignation mixed with betrayal. She never wanted to see that. She never wanted to cause that.
"I have to see him. I just need to make sure he's okay." But Luke was already shaking his head. A spark of anger mixing with the hurt now. "Luke, he got us out. He got me and Hannah out of that place. I have to see him." There were a million other reasons but Luke didn't need to hear them- he already knew them. He took a step closer, hand settling on her arm.
"June, you're my wife. I love you."
The cab was stopping behind her. And it was like everything came down to this moment. Everything before was gone. Everything after didn't matter. It was just this one moment. If she got in that cab and went to Nick she would be losing everything she'd build from before. And if she stayed here, with Luke, she would be giving up everything she had become since.
She pulled her arm from Luke's grasp.
"June. You can't expect me to let you run off to another man."
She stepped back, hand on the door of the taxi.
"What about our vows? What about Hannah?"
The tears mixed with the rain as she slid into the car.
"June. Don't do this. Honey, please…"
She closed the door.
"45 Generation Boulevard in Scarborough, please."
Until you come back home
After
He waited. Every afternoon, he waited. The refugee center wouldn't give him June's contact information. They said she had to request his. So he gave them his new address, and the number for his landline, he made sure they had the correct cellphone number. And he waited.
They had let him go five weeks ago. They had held him for a month. And no matter how often he had asked, no matter how many times he tried to explain, no one told him anything about June or Hannah. He didn't know if they were still in the same city. He didn't know if June had found her husband. He hoped she did, even though it tore him apart when he thought about it. One month of silence. One month of absolutely no information about the mother of his child, the woman he would gladly die for.
But now, he was free. He had found a job. He had an apartment- a shitty one. And every afternoon, as soon as his shift was over, he sat on the front steps and waited. Because he knew June. And she would look him up, eventually. For Holly, if not for herself. He just had to give her time.
He lit a cigarette. He didn't smoke them anymore. But the smell relaxed him. It was something familiar in all of this change. His arms resting on his knees and his eyes followed an ant as it tried to climb the concrete step his feet were on. His mind tried to imagine how big Holly was. He wondered if June had found her yet. He thought of Hannah and how she had clung to his hand the entire time they were in the woods that last night. He wondered if she was adjusting okay.
Footsteps came from down the street. He almost looked up. Instinct- a need to know if it was her. But he kept his head down. He learned the first day that getting his hopes up every time just made the disappointment hit even harder. So now he didn't look. If it was her…Well, she'd stop walking.
He waited for the footsteps to pass. Waited for the regular sounds of the street to drown out the faded steps of a stranger. But whoever it was didn't pass. White sneakers stopped in front of him. He stared at the green shoelaces for an eternity. But they didn't move. And that thing- that ache in his gut people kept calling hope. That fucker came back.
He slowly lifted his head, praying to whoever he thought would listen that he wasn't about to be let down again. He wasn't. She was there. Blue eyes full of tears, shaky smile on her lips. Her hair was down. He loved it when her hair was down.
"How long were you going to sit there?"
"Until you got here."
He sat on the steps of the apartment. A lit cigarette in his hand. He should stop buying them. June said it all the time. Maybe one day. He could hear Holly and Hannah happily screaming to Let it Go. He really hated Frozen. But those girls made him smile. The sun was going down and he would have to go in and get them into the tub soon. But he waited for another minute.
His phone vibrated next to him. June's smiling face was on his screen when he looked down.
"June."
"Nick. How long are you going to sit there?"
He smiled. If he looked down the street, he knew he'd see her. He knew she'd be smiling that indulgent smile she saved for nights like this. He knew her hair would be down even though it was in a ponytail when she left. But he didn't look. He could wait. He knew she would show up this time. He didn't have to worry.
"Until you come back home."