Harry's introspection
I don't know what I'm doing. Or why I'm doing it. Is it because that's what is expected of me? Is it because I have a so-called hero complex? If it is the latter then I could just have studied to become a Medi-wizard, but no, I entered the Auror program… Why did I do that? And if it is because of what is expected, it's plainly stupid. I should live my life for myself and not for anyone else! Of course, it's easily said than done… Plus, it wouldn't be the only stupid thing I've done in my life. I haven't often made decisions for myself… Choosing the classes I took in Hogwarts doesn't really count… Or does it? It would be a glimmer of hope to believe that I can actually make decisions for my own sake.
But would anyone understand if I suddenly quit? Would Ron and Hermione understand? Would any of the Weasleys? I guess the twins might simply joke about it without giving it a serious thought, but the others? They would not reject me of course, but would they ever stop questioning me about my choice?
The thing is I like the people I study with… some of them even became my friends… But the classes are just not what I expected, not what I want… I learned more during the war, or even before the war than now in the Academy! The students who took part at the DA must have learned more defensive and attacking spells and strategies than us in a year and a half… So yes I passed the first year but now they're talking about the History of some spells or the details about History battles… That's not what I want to learn for God's sake! I don't give a fucking damn about History! I want to be active, to use the spells, to feel the magic flowing in my veins!
…
What would people say if I were to stop the Auror program?
"It was prestigious" one would say.
"It's what you were meant to do"
"Isn't it what you've always wanted to do?"
Some might tell me to just do whatever I want to do, some might even mean it. And you're going to ask "why do you even care what they're going to think or say?" And I have no idea what I would tell you… I just do care about what people think and say! At least people close to me… (It's been a while since I've cared about what the Prophet says.) And I know if they care about me, they'll accept or they should. And I truly believe they care about me, and I truly believe they are going to accept my choice. But they won't understand! They will ask me if I'm sure. They'll drive me crazy trying to convince me to go back, or telling me I've lost a year of my life if I stop now or I don't know what else they'll think of saying…
And I guess I won't know right now, because I'm not going to quit today, or tomorrow… Hopefully someday I'll quit, or enjoy what I do, whatever it is I do. I suppose I'm not as brave as everyone thought… Fighting for others is one thing, fighting for myself is another… And fighting for myself against people I love is even harder.
Please let me know what you think ;)