AN 08/01/2018 - I found this during HDD clean-up. Originally, I took the story down after causing some poopstorm with an unnecessary Author's Note. Still, people deemed it pretty hilarious so might as well get it back up. Leaving the original ANs cause they were part of the 'creation'.

Also, if anyone still remembers Twenty-six Whitewave or may be in touch with her - send her my regards. I miss the talks we had that inspired me to write. This crack piece included.

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This story is by no means copied from or inspired by ZErO SuBsTaNce's 'You Hijacked my Pregnancy!' nor by bradsmithgold12's 'You Got Me Pregnant'. If I were to point fingers, it'd be much rather in the direction of one Filipino lady who can't get the simple truth that 3AM is not the best time to go to bed.

'Thinking'

Warning: crack and hilarity ensues. It's fanfiction, not reality. And there's not an ounce of futa, so beware!

Welcome to the H.I.M.E. Institute where impossible is nothing, things infeasible can be done off-hand and the miracles - if bargained for with an appropriate sum of money - on a few years notice.

Such was a message that boomed over Shizuru and Anh's heads as soon as they entered the pristinely white building, finished in immaculate chrome. They looked at each other - this was not what they read in the leaflet.

A few DAYS notice.

Much quieter, calm voice corrected the announcer and the couple sighed with relief. They could not wait that long for their dream to come true. After all, the baby benefits regulations were going to change in ten months so if they wanted to get the maternity grant, one of them had to become mother asap.

"So, baby, we're here and it's your last chance to turn back." Anh's long fingers stroke bare arm of her lover and future wife. "Are you sure you wanna be the one to carry?"

"Ara, of course I am," Shizuru playfully swatted her wandering hand. "I wouldn't want our little girl to inherit your soft drink addiction, would~"

She stopped, noticing the couple leaving the room at the far end of the hall. One of the men she knew from high school. Reito Kanzaki, the ever-loved student council president and the star of athletics team, who had allegedly slept with every girl on the campus. Only now Shizuru realised that all the stories came from the girls and none from the guy himself. Seeing him with his partner - their hands clasped together, their gazes soft and adoring - there was no mistaking it about his preferences. But as the woman's gaze wandered lower and reached Reito's hand placed protectively over his partner's stomach…

"Anh, please tell me they're not here for the same thing." She shook her head vehemently. "Can I un-imagine something?"

"It's okay, Shiz." Anh pushed her toward the reception desk. "The Institute offers various procedures." She decided that pointing to the sign above the door behind the men would be most unwise in their current situation. "Just think about our lovely baby."

Meanwhile…

With a loud roar of the tuned-up engine, a motorcycle pulled up on the parking lot by the H.I.M.E. Institute. When the dust clouds have fallen, the biker sat straight, removed helmet and flaunted her waist-long black hair. Then, in her best badass voice, quoth she:

"Niflayl! Eth oonn mja skcus!"

'Shit, shit, shit!' thought the biker. 'My stupid dysphonia, right when I try to sound cool!' She took a quick look around and made sure no one witnessed her compromising speech. Taking deep breath, she tried once again. This time making use of the advice given to her by her late mother: if you can't say something in one language, try another. The problem was, the only other language she knew was…

"Finally! The noon jam sucks!"

'Ha! I'm speaking in italics. How cool is that, huh?' She grinned to herself a tad too widely to be considered perfectly sane by potential passersby. 'Check this out - i-ta-lics - it's better than Italian!'

She would probably stand on that parking lot for a couple more minutes - or hours - and boast about her own foreign language if not for the appointment with the head of the Institute a.k.a. her father. She had to move her ass or the 'fashionably late' entrance would change into 'I-will-disown-you late' one.

Back to the S&A couple…

Behind the reception desk, sat a blonde woman with an expression of utter bliss on her face. Whatever caused this bliss, must have been occupying all her thoughts because Anh had to call her a few times before getting an answer.

"WHAT?" shouted the reception lady at the top of her lungs. Something rustled under the desk and she repeated, much calmer this time. "What are you looking for, dear customers?"

"We're here for this procedure~"

"Then why are you wasting my time?" The blonde huffed angrily and cast furtive glance under her desk. "You've already got all necessary information. Just go and do what's written in your leaf."

"Leaflet, Haruka-chan," quiet whisper seemed to come from nowhere. Or maybe rather, from under the desk.

"Leaf, leaflet, whatever. Just go and do yourself a baby or whatever you're here for." Her eyes unfocused for a shortest moment and her entire countenance filled with bliss.

"Ara, Anh dear, does she…?" Shizuru didn't finish her question because Anh dragged her away, infallibly recognising and not wanting to interrupt the woman her moments of passion. Even if they occurred during work hours.

At the same time, elsewhere…

Somehow, Natsuki managed to get lost in the maze of halls and corridors of the Institute. 'If I round this corner, I should get into the genetics section and there's a technical corridor leading to offices,' thought the girl. 'At least, I think so.' She was more than right. The technical corridor was there but waiting by the door next to it stood Anh, her eternal nemesis.

"Ouy!" shouted the girl, pointing to the waiting one.

"Ouy?"

"Argh… You! What are you doing here?"

Anh burst into screechy laughter, almost suffocating whenever she tried to stop and say something.

"You-you're speaking in… in italics?" More laughter, so intense that tears leaked from her eyes. "How lame is that?"

Sending her famous Kuga Glare©, Natsuki stomped closer to the other girl.

"What are you doing here? No, wait!" Natsuki wasn't stupid and could actually put two and two together. "Don't tell me you're waiting for… for…"

"Yeah, I am waiting for my beloved Shizuru," boasted Anh with a grin so wide it threatened to split her face. "My lover Shizuru who decided she loves me so much she wants to - check this out - she wants to carry my baby!" At the sound of this words, something broke in Natsuki. Shizuru, her first and only love ever since they met in high school. The love she never had courage to confess to. And now it was too late. "Right now she's getting ready for her shower." Anh flicked strand of hair behind her ear, obviously not oblivious to the biker's suffering.

"Utsh pu!" screamed Natsuki, storming past the nearest door.

Which did not lead into the technical corridor.

Natsuki found herself in the preparatory room that led to the BioChemically Safe Socially and Almost Religiously Accepted External Impregnation By Means of Liquid Dispersion Device. The name was obviously never used, except in some early blueprints and contracts the Institute signed with the clients. In all other materials, especially in the instruction leaflets attached to every contract, the device was called Pregnant Shower.

The very first thing that got the girl's attention, was the screen so big it filled half of the wall. There, among thousands of toolbars and windows, and widgets and other techy-looking stuff, was a picture of a baby. From what Natsuki gathered, the baby that Shizuru and Anh were going to have.

'Yuck,' thought the girl, looking at the picture and quickly scanning the rest of the screen. 'If you're going to have a baby, then at least make it right!'

A couple quick moves of her fingers later, she looked at her work. She only tampered a bit with the baby's hair and facial features, messed for a while with her potential habits and it already became a really nice baby. For a moment she even regretted not being the one waiting for the shower to start.

But only for a moment because as soon as she tried to save the changes, the screen lit up with big red letters.

THE PSYCHO-SOMATIC PATTERN HAS CHANGED. TO SAVE NEW PATTERN, RE-INTRODUCE DNA SAMPLE.

Under the screen, some kind of tray protruded from the wall. Natsuki stood still, frozen, trying to understand what was happening.

The letters on the screen reformed and started blinking.

TO INTRODUCE DNA SAMPLE, SPIT ON THE TRAY.

THE PSYCHO-SOMATIC PATTERN HAS CHANGED. TO SAVE NEW PATTERN, RE-INTRODUCE DNA SAMPLE.

If she now left and got Anh to spit on the stupid tray, this would end bad for her, right? The other woman would know she tampered with their baby. In other words, Natsuki had no other choice but to do what the screen prompted her to do.

Taking a quick glance around to make sure there were no surveillance cameras, she spit into the tray.

Then waited nervously for it to return to the wall.

Then waited some more, listening to the quiet hum of computer processing.

And then…

DNA SAMPLE ACCEPTED.

ALL CHANGES SAVED. NEW PATTERN INTRODUCED.

SHOWER STARTING IN 12-11-10…

And then it somehow dawned on Natsuki what the DNA sample was probably needed for.

'But then, they would probably put some safety checks on the system, right? Like, saving Anh's sample and using mine just as a confirmation, right? They wouldn't…' Natsuki was starting to get panicky as the bright red ciphers counted down.

...3-2-1

PREGNANCY SHOWER IS RUNNING RIGHT NOW.

Not wanting to be brutally set straight about her presumption on the safety checks, Natsuki found the hidden door leading into the technical corridor and to the offices.

When few minutes later her father put forward the idea that she should move to United States to study, she accepted it with eagerness that surprised them both.

And the promise to have her dysphonia cured in there was not the biggest incentive.

Disclaimer: all and any similarities to the stories published and to be published are purely coincidental in nature, unless intended. No babies were harmed during the writing of this chapter, though the same cannot be said about Author's tea stash and cookies box.

PREVIEW: "Shiz, how could you?! You betrayed me… with... with… a guy!"