Stay Away from My Man
Author's Notes: Hey guys! Here is yet another one-shot I wrote a couple years back, and am finally getting around to posting. This fic was written in response from a challenge posted to the "Hey Arnold! Save the Jungle Movie! 100,000 People!" Facebook page. You see, the challenge was framed as a slot machine with two slots running through all the different Hey Arnold characters. When you click a button for each slot, the slots stop at two random characters, and it's your challenge to write a story about those characters. My slots just so happened to land on Rhonda and Patty. At first, I didn't know what to write about using those two characters, but then I thought about what those two characters had in common. The answer I came up with—Harold. And that's where this story comes in. I hope you guys enjoy reading this story.
Read on . . . read on . . . .
During recess, Rhonda spotted Patty sitting on the swings by herself. She flipped her hair before strolling casually over to the swings. Patty looked up when she heard someone approaching.
"Hi Patty," Rhonda greeted. "I couldn't help but notice you sitting here by yourself, so I just thought I'd stop by and see how you were doing."
"What do you want?" Patty asked, immediately suspicious. Rhonda normally wouldn't be caught dead speaking to her without a reason.
Rhonda wasted no time. "I was hoping that the two of us might have a word for a moment," she said.
Patty shrugged. "Okay, shoot," she said.
Rhonda looked horrified. "What? Are you crazy?! I didn't mean here of all places! I meant somewhere more private where we can speak freely," she replied.
Patty furrowed her eyebrows. "What's wrong with here?" she asked.
"Oh, it's simply not adequate for such a personal discussion. I mean, someone could be watching," she explained.
Patty felt even more suspicious. 'Why would Rhonda want to speak to me about something personal?' she thought. Nevertheless, curiosity got the best of her so she answered, "Okay, where did you have in mind?"
Rhonda smiled, happy that things were going her way. "Follow me," she said, walking towards the school. Patty got up from the swing and followed after Rhonda until they came to a door. Patty watched as Rhonda looked in both directions as if making sure the coast was clear before she opened the door and entered into the gym. Patty entered after her. The door shut behind them.
Rhonda faced Patty, contemplating how she wanted to go about phrasing things to Patty.
Patty crossed her arms, waiting expectantly for Rhonda to speak. Finally, Rhonda's face reflected courage as she came out with what was on her mind.
"Listen, Patty," Rhonda said sternly. "I need you to back off right now. Harold is my man! You had no business eating with him at lunch today. I knew him way before you came along! And besides, Harold and I have been though much more together. Why, we even raised a child . . . ."
Patty shook her head. 'So this is what this is about. . . . No wonder Rhonda kept shooting me those nasty looks today,' she thought. "Rhonda . . . it was an egg and besides, didn't Harold eat the 'child' anyways?"
Rhonda gasped. "Courtney Wellington Lloyd Berman was more than just an egg! She was our baby! She was going to grow up with so much potential!" She shouted. "And what do you know anyways? You couldn't have done any better."
Patty raised a brow. "Okay, this is getting a little weird. Look, I just want to let you know that I'm not after Harold. Sure, he's a nice guy and all, but we're just friends. Okay Rhonda?" Patty said, attempted to steer the conversation in a different direction.
Rhonda crossed her arms defiantly. "Well, I, for one, don't buy it. How do I know you're not just telling me this so that you can go behind my back later and take him away from me?"
"Rhonda . . . if I really wanted to steal Harold, do you really think we'd be having this conversation? Wouldn't I have done it by now?" Patty stated.
Rhonda fell silent. Then, she spoke uncertainly, "So . . . you're really not after Harold?"
"No Rhonda, I'm not after Harold. I never was after him." Patty clarified, hoping that she could get her point across to Rhonda so that this ridiculous conversation could be over with.
". . . and you're sure that you're not just saying this so I don't have to beat you up?"
Patty frowned. Beat her up? Did she really think that Patty was going to let something like that happen?
"Watch it . . ." Patty said in annoyance.
Rhonda gave a nervous smile. "Uh . . . sorry . . . it's just . . . I see the way the two of you get along. Spending time with each other every day, laughing together, going out on dates. He looks so happy when he's with you. I've never seen him look so happy before except when the school bell rings for lunch. He never asks me to hang out with him . . . I mean, it's not like I'd actually go through with it. I do have a reputation to uphold after all . . . ." she said. Upon seeing Patty's bored look, she continued. "But . . . you know . . . just the gesture would have been nice from time to time..." Rhonda remarked sadly.
"You know, Rhonda . . . if you'd be willing to put that so-called reputation aside for a day and asked him, I'm sure you might just be surprised," Patty suggested.
Rhonda was hesitant. "I . . . I can't . . . I'm Rhonda Wellington Lloyd, the richest and most popular kid in school. Not to mention the most fashionable. And Harold . . . well, he's just . . . Harold. If I ask him to hang out with me, everyone will just laugh and besides, it's not like he would even want to go shopping with me and the girls . . . ." she explained.
Patty shook her head. "No, no . . . not like that. What kind of guy wants to have to walk around the mall hauling your shopping bags like a pack mule? If you want Harold's attention, you've got to appeal to something that he likes and you can't be worried about what others think of you. Just be yourself, Rhonda. Take it for what it's worth, you can be a pretty okay person when you want to be," she said, giving a reassuring smile.
"But I don't even know the first thing about what normal people do for fun! And I refuse to do anything that will ruin these one-of-a-kind Alexander McQueen suede platform ankle boots!" Rhonda argued.
Patty rolled her eyes. 'What a drama queen . . . .' she thought. "Okay, first of all, we 'normal people' typically don't like it when we're addressed as so. And second, how about a movie? That way, you don't have to worry about getting those fancy boots of yours dirty."
Rhonda brightened up. "Oh! You know, I did hear about this romantic French movie coming out this weekend. It's called, 'Mon Seul et Unique Amour.' It's perfect!" She exclaimed excitedly.
'Yeah, if he wanted to be scarred for life . . . .' Patty thought. "Rhonda . . . look me in the eyes and tell me that Harold won't be miserable if you take him to see that film . . . ." she answered.
"I'm sure Harold would simply adore a nice evening of such sophisticated, contemporary. . . ." she stopped, taking note of Patty's raised eyebrow. Rhonda's face instantly fell. "Oh who am I kidding? You're absolutely right . . . getting Harold to see that film will be the same as pulling teeth." She sighed. "I mean, let's face it. Harold and I are just in no way alike. Maybe I should just face facts, we don't belong together . . . ."
"Um, what are you doing?" Patty said in annoyance.
Rhonda blinked. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"You're not giving up, are you? Especially after going through all this trouble to drag me out here to listen to you feel sorry for yourself," she responded angrily.
Rhonda didn't answer.
'That does it,' Patty thought. "You know what? Actually, I think you might be right. There's no way Harold would ever want to go out with a self-absorbed, stuck-up snob like you and come to think of it, I couldn't think of anyone who would. You know, I just might take you up on that offer to date Harold. I mean, it's not like he's your property or anything. I don't see your name written on him. Harold is such a charming, fun-loving young man, and I'll be darned if I let such a wonderful catch fall into the hands of filth." Patty shouted.
Rhonda's mouth fell open, her face stunned.
Patty continued. "And you know . . . I hope that whenever you wake up one morning as an old woman with most of your senses gone, I hope that the one sense that remains is your vision. That way, whenever you look in the mirror, you'll see that same self-absorbed monster you always try to pretend that you're not and then maybe you'll understand what you missed out on. Enjoy your life . . . Rhonda." Patty stated coldly, walking away.
However, a voice stopped her.
"EXCUSE ME?! Who do you think you are, calling Rhonda Wellington Lloyd a self-absorbed snob?!" Rhonda suddenly exclaimed, walking up to where she was right in Patty's face. "Now you listen here, Patty or should I say Big Fatty? I've got dibs on Harold and no one, absolutely no one, is going to get in the way of us being together! And that includes you!" She yelled, jabbing a finger into Patty's chest.
Normally, Patty would beat the stuffing out of anyone who made fun of her, but instead, she gave a small smile to Rhonda's little outburst.
"Oh yeah? Prove it," Patty challenged.
"Hmph. Maybe I will." Rhonda responded, crossing her arms. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go ask Harold if he wants to get some ice cream with me. Ta-ta," Rhonda said dismissively, opening the door to the gym and exiting.
"So long Rhonda and good luck . . . ." Patty said quietly, watching Rhonda leave.
...
...
The next day, at Gerald's field, Harold, Stinky, Helga, Arnold, Sid, and Gerald were all playing baseball when suddenly, Rhonda came marching up determinedly and grabbed Harold's hand, taking him off the base he was standing on.
"Hey! What gives?!" Harold protested, struggling to get free.
"You and I are going to get some ice cream!" Rhonda proclaimed, continuing to drag him along.
Normally, Harold would jump at the idea of ice cream, but there was no way he was going to get some with a girly girl like Rhonda. And besides, he was already in the middle of playing baseball with the guys.
"Who says?!" Harold shouted.
Rhonda whirled around and shot him a look that said: "You better do as I say or ELSE."
Harold gulped. He was afraid of the alternative.
"Hey princess! Get off the field! We're in the middle of a game!" Helga yelled.
"Yeah! And give us back our pitcher!" Gerald agreed.
"Oh, I'll get off the field, but Harold comes with me." Rhonda said, dragging the trembling Harold away.
The kids watched as the two disappeared out of view.
"Yeesh, who died and made her queen?" Helga remarked.
"Gee Willikers . . . dang never thought I'd see the day . . . ." Stinky said, shaking his head.
"Yeah, you said it . . . did you see the way Rhonda pulled him like he was a dog on a leash? Whoo boy! That girl's got Harold whipped . . . ." Sid agreed.
"Alright, alright! Show's over! Nothing to see here!" Helga's voice interrupted the boys' trains of thought. "Are we going to just stand here or are we going to play?! Stinky, go be the pitcher and Sid, you cover short stop! Let's go, let's go!"
"Yeah!" The kids cheered.
Off to the side, Patty smiled. "My work here is done . . . ." She said, walking off towards home.
A few days later, Rhonda and Harold were seen happily having lunch together in the cafeteria.
Author's Notes: Okay, I admit it. I ship Rhonda and Harold. They may seem like an unlikely couple, but the pairing is pretty interesting. Before anyone starts, I know Patty ends up with Harold in the end, but I kind of feel like it would be interesting to explore what it would look like if Rhonda and Harold dated before Harold got with Patty because they seem like they have some chemistry. Just sayin'.
Hope you guys liked this fic! Thanks for reading, and as always, reviews are greatly appreciated!