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Shinji Gets an iPad: Director's Cut
One Day, Shinji Ikari was eating a Coke. Not drinking, eating. Gendo walked up to Shinji, and said "LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT I NEED YOU TO GO TO THE STORE. I WANT AN IPAD AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT FOR ME OR I WILL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS ON FIRE." "WAAAAAAAH" Shinji said because he's a little BITCH. "Okay" he said shortly after, but he was still being a little BITCH.
And then "A Cruel Angel's Thesis" played, because it's Neon Genesis Evangelion and shit.
Shinji went to the Apple store, whining and jacking off like he usually does. "HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT LINE" Shinji says in a whiny tone.
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So, Shinji waited. However, 11 months later, Shinji realized that there actually was never a line and he was too busy whining and jacking off to notice.
To pictures of Asuka.
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He walked into the Apple store, when he hears somebody say "HEY WATCHA WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
It was Waluigi. And he was working at the Apple store. He started screaming in Shinji Ikari's face so hard that Waluigi burped, farted, sneezed, pissed, crapped, ejaculated and exploded all at once. Shinji decided to jerk off to this. However, his weird-ass pleasure was soon interrupted when he saw...
...ZOMBIE STEVE JOBS!
"I've got a brand new intuitive Apple product" Zombie Steve Jobs said. "The iBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINSSSSS!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Shinji said as he bolted for the door. Zombie Steve Jobs then asked if Shinji wanted to buy a brand new iPad Air. "It's the last iPad in the universe. We destroyed every single other iPad ever. Because why not."
"YES" Shinji said while jacking off.
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Suddenly, somebody came barging into the Apple store. It was… …Captain Jack Sparrow! "I'll take it!" Jack Sparrow said.
"SOLD!" Zombie Steve Jobs said
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED THE IPAD BECAUSE GENDO SAID HE WANTED THE IPAD BECAUSE HE WAS GONNA FUCK ME IN THE ASS THIS REALLY SUCKSSSSSSS" Shinji said, STILL fapping, this time to pictures of Gendo. Shinji is messed up.
"Why is the rum gone?" Jack Sparrow said. "i dunno lol" Shinji said. Also, he was masturbating. Jack Sparrow went on the Black Pearl but it could fly and it flew off and stuff.
WITH THE IPAD
AND PROM'S TOMMORROW
FUCK
Shinji left the Apple store, bummed out that Gendo was going to fuck him in the ass. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Shinji said, getting off to the sound of himself crying.
Suddenly, though, he bumped into Davy Jones! "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET AN IPAD NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW" Shinji screamed like a little baby. Like a little baby that strokes his noodle. "You know boy" Davy Jones said "That wasn't just Jack Sparrow. That was Johnny Depp".
"SO WHAT ITS NOT LIKE IT MATTERS ANYMORE GENDO IS GONNA FUCK ME IN THE ASS AND IT'S GONNA HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURT"
"Too bad" Davy Jones said. "All I know is that now Johnny Depp has become the Mad Hatter. He's in Wonderland now, boy". "OKAY THEN I GOTTA GO FAST" Shinji said as he got into his EVA, Unit-01, and went down the rabbit hole. But Unit-01 was too fat to get down to Wonderland. "SHIT I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO APPLEBEES" Unit-01 said. Shinji stepped out Unit-01 and fell down to Wonderland. He landed on his ass, but didn't sustain any injuries because anime logic.
Shinji got up and, after a bunch of weird shit happening because he's in Wonderland, saw the Mad Hatter. Except that he didn't look like the Mad Hatter with the orange hair from the boring-ass Tim Burton movie that you see lots of goth kids wearing merchandise from because they think it makes them "edgy", he looked like the Mad Hatter from the classic Disney movie. Tweedledee and Tweedledum were there, too, because why the fuck not. "Happy Un-Birthday, Shinji Ikari!" The Mad Hatter said. "Nobody remembers my birthday!" Shinji said. "Not your birthday, your unbirthday. STOOPID." The Mad Hatter said. "You want some crystal meth?" The Mad Hatter said.
However, he wasn't the Mad Hatter…
HE WAS…
…A HEADCRAB ZOMBIE!
"FUCK" Shinji said. But that didn't stop Shinji Ikari from masturbating to the Headcrab Zombie Mad Hatter.
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He went to Taco Bell and farted his way back up the rabbit hole, all the way to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
"Johnny Depp must be here!" Shinji said. So he went into the chocolate factory, when he noticed the mutilated corpses of the other kids from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. There was an inscription that said, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO NAUGHTY BOYS AND GIRLS". Shinji walked up to the reception desk, anyway. "I'd like to see Willy Wonka" Shinji said to the Oompa Loompa Receptionist. Sure enough, Willy Wonka popped out of the elevator! But it was Gene Wilder, not Johnny Depp.
"Hi, welcome to my chocolate factory! How may I-"
"SHIET" Shinji said.
Gene Wilder Willy Wonka gave Shinji Ikari the evil eye. "You don't use that kind of language in MY chocolate factory" Willy Wonka said. "Didn't you read the plaque?" Willy Wonka spoke into a chocolate walkie-talkie. "We've got a naughty boy down here, Oompa Loompas" Willy Wonka said. And then he ate the walkie-talkie because it was chocolate. "Uh-oh" Shinji said in his trademark whiny-ass tone. Suddenly, an army of Oompa Loompas came barging down with SMGs, ready to blast him all the way to Wisconsin. They were also headcrab zombies and they were piloting the giant robots from Pacific Rim on fire on ice on dragons.
So Shinji ran like the pussy he was and went to the Wild West from the Lone Ranger. But it was all monochrome so he knew that it was the original television series and not the reboot that nobody actually saw.
Then, Shinji scoured all the places from the movies that Johnny Depp starred in. But Johnny Depp was nowhere to be found. Shinji was walking out in the Mojave desert because he was sad and he goes to the Mojave Desert when he's feeling particularly depressed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Davy Jones appeared again. "You know, boy" Davy Jones said, "I was just fucking with you. That was Jack Sparrow." "OH GEE THANKS FOR NOT TELLING ME THAT EARLIER" Shinji said. "Sorry" Davy Jones said while having the most adorable face ever. Shinji set his MP3 player to "It's Too Late To Apologize." Davy Jones looked sad and blew up because of his sadness. "Great, I just wasted a lot of time" Shinji whined. Suddenly, though, the Black Pearl flew right above him! "OH MY GOD THERE IT IS! D:" Shinji said. And yes, he said "D:" Asuka and Captain Barbossa were there, too. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU STUPID IDIOT MORON FACE" Asuka said. "I don't know what I'm doing here" Captain Barbossa said. "I need to find Jack Sparrow because he has the last iPad in the universe and I need to give it to Gendo or he's gonna fuck me in the ass" Shinji said. Asuka said, "Well then get up there. STOOPID." "How do I do that?" Shinji said, because Unit-01 was still stuck in the rabbit hole. "What are you, stupid? Just take this jet engine and shove it up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"Up your ass." Asuka said.
"Up my ass?" Shinji said.
"YES, UP YOUR ASS. NOW GET GOING, STUPIDFACE." Asuka said. Shinji then made a stupid face.
Shinji then finally shoved the jet engine up his ass and flew all the way to the Black Pearl. On the Black Pearl, he realized that the jet engine sucked up most of the Black Pearl's crew. Shinji then sidled on the wall of the Black Pearl. Inside one of the rooms, Jack Sparrow was looking at cat videos with Will Turner and Elizabeth. "Aww, look! It got stuck in paper towel roll!" Will said. Shinji broke their window, saying "YOU WILL GIVE ME THE IPAD, NOW!"
"NEVERRRRRRR!" Jack boomed.
"Please?" Shinji said.
"Wait, why should I give it to you?" Jack asked.
"Because my father is going to fuck me in the ass if I don't give it to him!" Shinji said.
"Oh, OK." Jack said. But then he tripped, and the iPad flew through the window! Shinji could catch it, but he only had one hand, as he needed to hold on to the wall. As he was about to catch it, he saw Asuka on the ground, sunbathing. And she was naked. Being Shinji, he put his other hand down his pants as the iPad flew on to the ground.
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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Shinji said, as he fell down back to the earth. He landed without a scratch because, once again, anime logic.
Shinji looked around and saw that the iPad had shattered into a million billion quadrillion septillion bazillion pieces. And then the pieces exploded into even smaller pieces. Which then caught on fire. And exploded again.
Soon after, Gendo walked up to Shinji and said "WHERE'S MY IPAD YOU LITTLE SHIT"
"Johnny Depp got the last one but then it broke" Shinji said
"WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS" Gendo said.
"Wait!" a voice in the distance cried out.
"WHO IS THAT" Gendo said
It was… …Rei!
"Why don't you just get a Samsung Galaxy Tab™?" Rei asked. "WHAT'S A SAMSUNG GALAXY TAB™?" Gendo screamed.
"The Samsung Galaxy Tab™ gives you a better experience for work and play. Sharper HD quality screen, better web browsing with flash, better multitasking, and even better speed with HSPA+." Rei explained to Gendo.
"Wow, the Samsung Galaxy Tab™ has changed my life! Thanks, Rei!" Gendo said in the most high pitched voice ever. Rei added "You should buy a Samsung Galaxy Tab™ today!"
"I guess all's well that ends well, huh?" Shinji said hesitantly. "Yeah, pretty much. But there's just one problem…" Gendo said, looking at Shinji with a disturbing smile on his face.
"YOU STILL NEVER GOT THE IPAD" Gendo said.
"But-" Shinji pleaded.
"THE ONLY BUTT HERE IS YOUR BUTT" Gendo said.
"NO DADDY NO" Shinji cried.
"YES DADDY YES" Gendo said
So Gendo fucked Shinji really hard in the ass.
And Shinji enjoyed it.
THE END
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