TOW Chandler Buys Rachel's Birthday Card.
Author's Note: This story was inspired by the following scene, taken from TOW They All Turn 30: Season 7, Episode 14. It's just a random little story that popped into my head. I'm writing it all in one go. Please review and let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you.
Chandler: OK, read the card! Read the card!
Rachel: OK. (Reads the card) "Happy birthday, Grandma! It's better to be over the hill than buried under it. All our love, Monica and Chandler." (Begins sobbing) That's funny, yeah.
Chandler: No, no, no, no! That was the joke!
Rachel: (Crying) No, I know. I get it. It's funny.
Chandler: No, because you're NOT a grandmother!
Rachel: No, I know. Because to be a grandmother, you have to be married and have children and I don't have any of those things. That's why it's so funny. (Runs to her room, crying.)
Monica: All you had to do was buy the card!
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to Friends. I just like to play with them.
"Rachel's birthday is coming up soon," Monica remarked one weekend morning, as she and Chandler sat around their table, eating breakfast. "I think we should go shopping for her present today."
Chandler eyed his fiancée somewhat dubiously as he hungrily dug into his scrambled eggs with hollandaise sauce.
"We?" he asked pointedly. "We, as in me and you? As in you would actually trust me to go shopping for Rachel's present?" Monica usually wouldn't let him accompany her on gift-buying expeditions. She always insisted that he could be much more useful doing some other task, like helping clean the apartment. However on the few occasions that he'd actually bothered to do housework, Monica would return from her shopping, run a cursory glance over his handiwork and then suggest that she do a few minor touch-ups, just to finish off the cleaning. The very first time this had happened, he had ventured to ask why she needed a broom, mop, vacuum cleaner to do a few minor touch-ups. He had quickly learned it was easier to leave all the housework to Monica.
"Of course!" Monica exclaimed, patting him on the arm. "It's going to be from both of us, so it makes sense that both of us should have a say in picking out her gift." She glanced at her watch. "And if we leave in approximately three minutes, we'll be there when the shops open."
Chandler nearly choked on his eggs. "Three minutes?"
Thanks to Monica's prodding, half an hour later, they were at the mall and ready to commence their search for the perfect birthday present for Rachel.
"Now we have to pick out something really special," Monica said seriously, as she scanned the window display of a nearby clothing store. "She's going to be turning 30 and knowing Rachel, she's going to be even more sensitive about it than the rest of us were."
"She can't possibly get any more upset about it than Joey did," Chandler said with a smile, remembering what that birthday had been like for his best friend. The six friends had held a small celebration for him in Monica's apartment, but Joey had spent most of the party screaming, "Why, God, why? We had a deal!"
Monica laughed. "And he did the exact same thing at your birthday too! Well, I don't think Rachel's going to be that dramatic. But she definitely won't be happy about this rapidly approaching milestone."
"Yeah, if only she could stay young forever like Peter Pan…hey, that would be the perfect present!" Chandler said suddenly, slapping his forehead. "We should get her a Peter Pan DVD."
Monica turned her gaze towards him, her blue eyes wide with disbelief. "Are you kidding me?" she exclaimed. "Uh, Chandler, she's turning thirty, not five."
"But that's what makes it the perfect present," Chandler tried to explain. "It'll show her that we still see her as young at heart. But like Wendy, John and Michael, she can't stay young like Peter Pan forever. She's got to go back to the real world and grow up…" He trailed off as Monica shook her head firmly.
"No Peter Pan DVDs," she said sternly. "Let's think about something that would be more appropriate. For example, something that's actually on the list that she gave us. I'm pretty sure Peter Pan DVDs weren't on there." She opened her wallet and took out the list of wanted presents that Rachel had typed, photocopied and passed out to each of them two months earlier, in anticipation of her birthday.
The next hour proved extremely dull for Chandler. As they walked in and out of stores, looked at various handbags and spritzed themselves with all kinds of perfume, Chandler finally put his foot down about going any further. Now he knew why Monica never took him on shopping expeditions and he was sincerely grateful.
"I think I've had enough, Mon," he confessed. "I smell like Dolce and Gabbana, I know that bright coral is not my colour and I've just learned that Louis Vuitton is not a person. Now can I please go somewhere a little more manly? I feel like I'm getting ready to audition for my father's burlesque show."
Monica laughed, but he observed the flash of relief that lit up her eyes. She didn't like having to shop with him any more than he did with her. Although she loved him deeply, she knew that she would have already bought Rachel's birthday present, if she didn't have Chandler tagging at her heels. But she had just been so excited about them buying a present together.
"OK," she relented. To be honest, Chandler really hadn't been much help at picking out gifts. He kept insisting that they look at presents which weren't on the list, arguing that it wasn't much of a surprise if Rachel already knew what she would be getting on her birthday. Monica had tried to explain that Rachel didn't really care about surprises, that they should just stick to the list…but she wasn't sure that she had convinced Chandler. Actually, she secretly felt a little bad. She knew that Chandler had really wanted to help.
Suddenly she had a brainwave. She knew how Chandler could help with Rachel's birthday present and she couldn't see how he could stuff this up. "Hey, Chandler," she said casually. "I've still got a few stores to go into and I probably won't have time to buy Rachel a birthday card. Why don't you get one?"
Chandler looked thoughtful. "A card. It won't involve being sprayed with perfume. It won't involve me having to act like I know what Burberry is or pretend like I fit in during a debate about Prada versus Gucci." He grinned. "Yep, I can buy a card."
A few minutes later, Chandler was in the news agency, idly browsing through the racks of birthday cards for sale. "I hope you have a wonderful day that's truly special in every way," he read out loud from a card with lilies painted on it. He considered it for a moment, before putting it back. Too corny.
He opened another card that had roses on the cover and looked at the message inside, which read "Happy 30th birthday!" Oh, no, can't get her that one, Chandler thought. Monica said Rachel would be sensitive about turning 30. I need a card that has a joke or something that can make her laugh. Then she wouldn't be depressed about her birthday.
Having decided that a funny card would be just the thing to cheer Rachel up, Chandler began scanning the cards in the "Joke Cards" rack. He dismissed a few as too crude, laughed at a few others and finally picked up a card that had a picture of an old lady on the front. On the front, it read "Happy birthday, Grandma!" Chandler opened the card and read, "It's better to be over the hill than buried under it!"
Chandler laughed so hard that he nearly cried. This was definitely the right card. It was clever and witty and he was sure that it would make Rachel laugh too. And in its way, it was also a very positive message because Rachel wasn't a grandmother and if she compared herself to a grandmother, she really wasn't old at all. Monica couldn't possibly fault his choice here.
He took the card over to the cash register. "Is that all, sir?" the young cashier asked him, as she began printing out his receipt. "Yep, that's all," he replied. He thanked the cashier, took the plastic bag that she handed him and made his way to the food court, where he was due to meet Monica at 1300 hours. (Her words, not his.)
As he walked to the pizza place where they'd arranged to meet, Chandler couldn't stop grinning and patting the plastic bag that he held. He had only one thought on his mind. Rachel's going to love this.