You've grown quite distant from us lately, and I've been trying to deny it. I think you've noticed it, too. Loz doesn't seem to care as much as I, but he never was exceptionally bright.
Its because Mother chose you, I know, and I don't like it. You always were her favorite, and I can see why. You're smart, quick, an excellent fighter, and just because you're the youngest of us doesn't mean you're the weakest. You're so strong, and I love you for it.
So much more than a brother should.
We had two separate rooms. Kadaj insisted on it, and I knew why. At night, Sephiroth would talk to my brother in a way I'll never understand nor experience.
Some nights, though, I wanted to. I wanted to understand. If I had a say in the matter, it would have been me over my brother. He didn't deserve to be a puppet.
One night I was laying awake, staring at the ceiling. The room was dead silent, aside from Loz's horrible snoring. He always snored. I lay there in silence, until I heard someone talking. Their voice was high, higher than normal, as if they were crying. For a moment I thought it might be Loz, since he has a habit of talking in his sleep sometimes, but when I heard the anguished cries of pain, I knew it wasn't Loz.
I scrambled out of bed and went to the door across the hall. I pressed my ear to it and heard Kadaj, my baby brother, crying helplessly on the other side.
"N-No…y-you don't own me…p-please stop, I don't want you!" he cried.
Kadaj let out another cry. I couldn't take it anymore. Anyone who expected me to just stand there and listen to my brother crying on the other side of that door deserved to be sent to hell. I quickly opened the door and looked in, and the sight alone made me want to cry. That was saying something, since I've never cried before.
Kadaj was in bed, his leather outfit in a forgotten pile on the floor. He was covered in a thin sheet, but I could tell he wasn't wearing anything underneath. His eyes were shut tightly, and the window behind his bed was letting in bright light from the full moon outside. It made his pale skin look as though it were glowing. He looked like an angel. He had his knees up to his chest and his hands were over his ears, and it killed me inside.
"I'm n-not your puppet!" he yelled, squeezing his hands around his ears, as if trying to keep out the sound of an outside intruder. There was no one in the room. It was all in his head. "I d-don't want you anymore!"
He was
suffering, and it wasn't his fault. He couldn't help it if Mother
chose him over Loz and myself. The fact that he was enduring all this
pain against his own will broke my heart. I couldn't stand seeing
him do this to Kadaj.
My Kadaj.
You were always the most mischievous of the three of us, you know. Always off stealing something or getting into some kind of trouble somewhere.
It only makes me love you more.
If you go down with Sephiroth, I'm going down with you. Mark my words.
"Kadaj, I'm here," I said quietly, crawling into bed behind my brother. His body was trembling when I approached. He didn't notice.
He was crying.
I lay on my side and ran my hand down his arm in an attempt to placate him. It took a few moments, but soon my brother's trembling and breathing began to steady. It eased my pain inside a little, but not by much. It still wasn't good enough for me.
"I-I don't want him anymore, Yazoo…" he said. He slowly took his legs down, and carefully removed his hands from his ears. "H-He won't leave me al-lone…"
I sighed sadly, swallowing the rising lump in my throat. I wanted to take his pain away. I wanted it to be me instead. I didn't want Kadaj to be the chosen one.
"It'll be okay, Kadaj," I whispered, wrapping my long arms around my brother's chest. I wanted to tell him that he wasn't alone, but the sick-sad truth was, he was alone. All I could do was be there to pick up the pieces.
Kadaj turned around in my arms and buried his face in my chest, crying. Harder than before. I wanted to cry too, but my mind wouldn't agree with my body. An indescribable combination of sadness and hatred filled my chest, tightening my throat.
I wanted to cry with him.
I want to tell you how much I love you. More than you'll ever know. I want to tell you and get this terrible weight of my chest.
But you've changed. Maybe you could have handled it in the past, but now it's completely out of the question. I'd find Souba through my chest the second those words escaped my lips.
If I told you, I would have to explain it to you. I don't know if I could do that. I can't even explain it to myself, let alone help you figure it out.
You would want an explanation though, wouldn't you? These days you would. I miss the way it used to be, back when it was just the three of us. No Sephiroth, not a care in the world.
Just us.