The Last One

by: yamapiko

a crackfic

Summary: A golden tomcat with a surly attitude, a young boy with a personality to match his name, and a wizard bent on ruling the world. What do these three unlikely characters have in common? 1, they're in a crackfic, and 2, they're in an alley.

A/N: This was a dream. A. dream. Yeah... urg... it was a weird dream. I'll tell you about it later.

A small, golden tomcat slunk swiftly through the alleyway, fur matted and muddied. His red coat – cloth, not fur – glistened in the rain, flamel symbol glowing with magic energy that radiated off of it in waves. Red eyes scanned the vicinity for any sign of an attack. 'Damned wizards,' he thought, shaking his head with a sigh.

A rustle behind him had his ears laying flat against his small skull and his fur bristling.

"Edward, wait!"

He relaxed a little bit, taut muscles smoothing out. It was just that Haninozuka kid that ran away from his house. Apparently he caught one sight of the golden-furred tom and decided to be his 'friend.' He turned to meet the boy, sighing. "You need to hurry up Haninozu-Hunny. I can't keep waiting for you, and Moldy-farts could be here any moment, and I need to be sure you're safe."

Of course the young child already knew he could talk, because he just could.

Said young child nodded, big brown eyes expressing concern for his tiny-pawed friend.

They both jumped when a loud 'Crucio!' permeated the sudden silence. Turning around, they saw said 'Moldy-farts', wand raised in attack.

"Well speak of the devil!" exclaimed the tomcat.

Hunny performed a splendid high kick, jumping in the air and catching the wand-wielding wizard in his face. Edward clapped his front paws and placed them on the concrete of the alley. After a second thought, his kitten face seemed to smirk, and he did a magic spell, rune forming in the air. It flew forward, hitting Voldemort in the groin and exploding.

With a groan, he fell to the ground, holding his groin and scrunching into a tight fetal position. Ed stepped onto his hind legs and easily walked towards the snake-faced man. He stepped on his hand, forcing Voldemort to let go of his wand. "I'll take this," he said, snatching the wand. With a snap, it fell to the ground, pieces of it falling into Voldemort's vision.

He stared at the former wand longingly. "My... my babyshakes... my everything... my babyshakes... my..."

Edward 'tcht'ed' in annoyance and turned around, slowly turning back into a human. Hunny smiled at the evil man then laughed happily, stepping on his face and running after Ed, who began to walk out of the dank alleyway. "Well, my work here is done."

Hunny giggled. "How did no one notice that big fight going on right next to them?"

Ed sighed. "This is a city, Haninozuka, they disregard about anything that happens to happen. Want to get some milkshakes?"

"Sure!"

Meanwhile...

Voldemort still lay on the ground, clutching his abused man area. "Damn you, Edward Elric... I'll get you! And your little dog, too!"

...Expressing concern for his tiny-eared friend - "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD RIDE ON THE BACK OF A SEA HORSE AND STILL GET LOST?!"

Author: That didn't happen... like that...? Take two, please.

…With a groan, he fell to the ground, holding his groin and scrunching into a tight fetal position. "My... my baby dolls!"

Edward: Oh shit, that actually hit you?

Voldemort: NO, IT HIT MY COUSIN'S CANDY-ASS. OF COURSE IT HIT ME!

Edward: Jeez, no need to get snarky, Moldy-farts.

Voldemort: It's Voldymarts! I mean Voldyfarts! I mean – oh, you already KNOW what I mean! Shut the hell up!

…..

A/N: As I stated earlier, this was a dream. I'm serious! In case you didn't catch it: Edward the red eyed, golden-furred tomcat is Edward Elric of Fullmetal Alchemist. Haninozuka [Hunny] is Hunny from Ouran HSHC. Moldy-farts is Voldemort from Harry Potter.

They're all out of character and Hunny isn't in there much, but hey – it's a crack fic! Oh yes, and the only reason I'm not updating the fourth chapter of EEATWW is because I've run into a block. I'm at 800 words, I've planned on about 1500, and I'm stuck. So, to tide you over, here's a crackfic.:3