A/N: Hey y'all (Please insert Connie Britton's voice here). So...This is my very personal take on the upcoming episode of Nashville, "Dear Brother". It's basically based on the promo I watched two weeks ago and the press release for the episode, that's what inspired me really. Everything you'll ready below is a mere product of my fantasy. I owe nothing (especially not Connie Britton's hair or Chip Esten, I wish I did though), this beautiful world was created by Callie Khouri and all praise belong to her.
I have to admit I had a very hard time writing for this new show, trying to understand these characters and enter their minds. It's my very first Deyna's story so I can only hope I didn't screw up. Lol
The song I got inspired by for this "little" piece is "When I need You" by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, although the original song is by Albert Hammond. Once again I don't know the lyrics or the music or anything to this either.
I have to take a moment to thank SparklingEnchantress who's been a HUGE support for me on so many levels. She literally pushed me to finish this when all I wanted to do was just delete the file from my laptop. Michelle thank you for everything, if this story is seeing the light of the day is all because of you, really. (Please go read her Deyna's fic "Glass". It's amazing, just saying).
And that's all folks. Hope you enjoy your reading. Feedbacks, reviews and even tantrums are much appreciated.
xoxo
The light of a new day was starting to creep in through the pink and white curtains, Rayna blinked a couple of times trying to put focus to where she was. She looked around and then remembered. She was in her youngest daughter's room, the scattered clothes on the floor, the hundreds of boy band posters, and Juliette Barnes memorabilia was suggestion enough for her. Rayna shifted in the tiny bed, not ready to get up yet and start what was most likely going to be a new day filled with drama. Laziness won over her so she lingered in the warmth of the bed a little longer and just when she tried to regain her previous position a sharp pain hit her neck. Rayna cursed under her breath, it was the second night in a row she had fallen asleep next to Daphne. This needs to stop. Rayna thought to herself as she got up, the pain spreading from her neck to her entire back. She wasn't 8 years old anymore, she needed the comfort of a king size bed to rest well enough at night. As she moved across the room she collected her daughter's clothes and some school books from the floor putting them back where they belonged. I don't have a daughter, I have a tornado. Sighing she left the room. Their housekeeper would have to deal with the rest of Daphne's chaos eventually. The house sounded particularly quiet she noticed as she descended the stairs to reach the kitchen hoping her brain would start functioning after a cup of black coffee…or three.
"Good morning sunshine." Rayna stopped in her tracks as she entered her kitchen and took in the image of her sister sitting on a stool, looking impeccable even in what she considered the early hours of the day.
"Ugh…what are you doing here?" She asked while her eyes were trying to adjust to the bright light of the day coming in through the windows. She thought it was early but the noiseless and way too luminous room she had just walked in, were telling her differently. A brief look at the microwave on her right, handed her a reality check: 9.32am. Wow I slept in. Rayna thought forgetful of the ungodly hour she actually fell asleep.
"Just checking on my sister. I bring coffee as a sign of peace." Tandy smiled at her and put a to-go cup of coffee in front of her.
"Thanks." Rayna smiled back at her and then moved fast to lay her hands on the black treasure.
"Teddy let you in?" She asked after the first sip. Eeew what the hell is this?
"Yeah, he was on his way out." Tandy nodded toying with the cup in her hands.
"The girls?" She put the cup down and walked to the fridge. All these years and yet she doesn't know how I like my coffee. Rayna's eyes searched for the carton of skim milk.
"He was dropping them at school before the City council."
"AHA!" Rayna exclaimed enthusiastically holding the carton as a trophy once she located it. She walked back to the counter and lifted the lid off the cup with one hand and poured the precious liquid with the other. Now, this is how I do coffee. Rayna nodded triumphantly while her taste buds were pirouetting, relishing in the sweet yet strong taste of her morning friend.
"I wish my sister would have told me her marriage was falling apart". Here we go. Rayna shook her head, not really surprised by how promptly her sister had started the conversation. "Seriously Rayna why didn't you come to me? Or to Daddy?"
"To Daddy?" Rayna squealed almost chocking while away gulping her latest sip of coffee. "Are you kidding me? And since when are you a marriage counselor?" Tandy opened her mouth to speak, but her sister beat her. "My husband asked for a divorce. End of the story."
"Oh come on Rayna we both know there's more to it than you and Teddy are willing to admit." The ever so savvy Tandy pinpointed.
It's on. Rayna slammed the now lid-less cup on the counter, coffee danced across its edges before spilling copiously on the marble surface. "Is there? You tell me Tandy." A shaky index finger pointed in Tandy's direction. "You tell me if there's more to it than I know. You've seen my husband more than I have in the past months. Jesus, you were like his shadow!" Rayna threw her hands up in the air, the tone of her voice suddenly growing louder. "So YOU, Tandy, YOU tell me what went on here while I was on tour." She gave in to everything she had held in in the past couple of days. Her sister had pushed all the right buttons with just one sentence, being the chip off the old block she was. "YOU tell me why my daughter came up to me last night and told me she thinks her daddy is cheating on her mommy!"
"Rayna…" Tandy trailed off while her brain was frantically working on formulating an appropriate answer.
"YOU TELL ME!" Rayna yelled, her chest pounding in search of oxygen, her index finger once again in mid-air pointing at the woman sitting in front of her.
"Listen, you're my sister and I love you. You really think I'd cover up for Teddy if I had evidence he cheated on you with Peggy?" The calmness in Tandy's voice tone was even more annoying than the politically correct attitude she was carrying, but then again she wasn't expecting anything more or anything less from her.
"Oh so you do know It's Peggy." I cannot believe this. Rayna brought both her hands to her temples and rested them flat against them before balling them into fists, her ruffled hair wrapped around her fingers. Keep calm, Keep calm. A voice in her head softly tried to subdue her temper.
"I just happened to pass his phone to him and it started ringing in my hands. Peggy was the caller, but I swear I know nothing more." Tandy swept her hair off her shoulder awaiting her sister's jab.
"Hard to believe. Wouldn't be the first time you kept something involving my husband from me." A much calmer Rayna shrugged, her hands now uncomfortably resting on her hips.
"I tried to inform you over the phone of what I saw that very same day but you were all caught up in your tour." Tandy poorly defended herself.
Of course. Rayna let out a small laugh. "Don't you dare Tandy, don't you dare turn the tables on me." She could feel anger arising all over again from her provocation.
"Listen Rayna I know It's har-"
"NO!" Rayna yelled again interrupting her sister's predictable monologue. " You don't know a thing! Honestly? I spent years, YEARS Tandy, defending myself from my husband's accusations of cheating. Deacon here, Deacon there, everything was about him." Rayna was now pacing around the room, her hands moving at the same speed the words were coming out of her mouth. She could not control herself anymore, she needed to let it out. All of it. "Years and years of cold stares and death glares passing between the two of them everytime we were in the same room. Days of silent treatment, everytime I'd absent-mindedly mention his name. Weeks of ocean wide distance between his side of the bed and mine at night whenever he'd come to one of my shows. And now what? I find out he's the one who couldn't let go of the past? That he cheated on me?" She stopped walking and leaned her body over the counter, her elbows resting on it, her head hanging. He cheated on me. That was the first time Rayna had said out loud the words. Up until then it was just something that lingered in the back of her mind, she knew it was there but decided to ignore it.
Some may call it denial, but Rayna decided to give priority to her daughters rather than herself. She had learned how to put things in perspective due to her career and the wellbeing of her children was the only thing she really cared about at the moment. But just because her maternal side had taken over, that didn't mean her heart hadn't been broken or that her pride hadn't been hurt. One thing didn't exclude the other and now that Tandy moved all the right pawns across the chessboard to push her to open that Pandora vase, there was no turning back. Her husband had cheated on her, he had violated the institution of marriage to sleep with another woman, he had breached all his vows. Wow. She almost wanted to compliment him for throwing away twelve years of life together all the while making her feel like she wasn't being a good wife to him, that she never worked hard enough to reconcile their differences or love him enough for that matter. But she did, she loved Teddy. Maybe not to the same extent she had loved and perhaps still loved Deacon, but there were profound feelings for him nonetheless. And so it hurt and only now she was becoming aware of the depth that kind of pain could reach.
Tandy gave her a moment to collect herself and then spoke up "I am only suggesting you to talk to him."
"Right now all I wanna do is to drink my coffee, take some Tylenol for this stiff neck and just go back to bed." Rayna stretched her back, keeping a firm hold from behind on her sore neck. "Daphne cried on my shoulder all night long, I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally exhausted." Just when she started massaging the area with her right hand her phone rang. She grabbed it from the counter and looked down at it. Shoot, Bucky. "Hey Buck!" Rayna tried to push out of her mind the previous conversation with her sister and sound as normal as possible to the man who knew her like the back of his hand. "Yeah I'm alright, thanks." She smiled at the affection her manager never ceased to demonstrate her. "Juliette is doing what? Does she know how much he hates that kind of thing now?" Rayna's eyes grew wide. "I see…of course I forgot who we're talking about." She snickered. "Okay, I'll be there but please make sure she gets this message: I'm doing it for Deacon and Deacon only. It's not something I'm doing for her." Rayna nodded, a smug smirk softening her features. "Alright, thanks hon. That's fine. Bye." Damn it. She ended the phone call and put her phone back on the counter.
"What's going on?" Tandy asked nosily, before taking another sip of her coffee.
"Juliette has organized a surprise birthday party for Deacon and she wants me to attend. And also perform a song or two. God I completely forgot Deacon's birthday was coming up." Rayna buried her face in her hands. God, everything's a mess. Among all the things she could have forgotten of Deacon, Deacon of all people, surely did not deserve to end up on that list. She had agreed to it right off the bat due to sudden guilt feelings, but also because the thought of seeing him made her feel better, somehow it was reassuring to her.
"And you agreed?" Tandy asked without even trying feign her indignation.
"What?" Lost in her thoughts, Rayna was brought back to reality.
"You agreed to perform at the party?" Her sister asked again, this time sounding less appalled at the idea.
"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I? It's Deacon's birthday." Don't go there Tandy, please don't go there. Rayna mentally begged her.
"Very soon the news of your impending divorce will become of public domain. Performing at the birthday party of your former lover is not exactly a wise move. People are going to talk and make assumptions and…" Tandy sighed heavily and looked straight into her sister's eyes. "It's just a bad idea."
"People are going to make speculations about the reasons behind our divorce anyways. And please do not refer to Deacon as my former lover. He was and still is so much more to me." Rayna took her half-emptied cup of coffee and brought it to her lips, hoping it would hide her red flushed cheeks after that small confession.
"You know rumors about you and Deacon have been going around for years Rayna. Teddy had to put up with them for as long as you've been together." Poor little Teddy. She thought to herself.
"I know the truth and so does he. There's nothing I can do about it, magazines and gossip sites will always spread false rumors. It's their job."
"If you care about your family you will not drag Deacon into this." Rayna could read her sister like an open book and she knew where she was going with that little pep talk of hers and she wouldn't have let her carry on with it. Maddie was not going to play any special role in their divorce, her and Teddy had agreed on that. She had nothing to do with it, Deacon had nothing to do with it and that was just the way things would be kept.
"I am not. Are you done yet? I would really like to spend some time alone."
"One more thing before I go, do you want to release a joint statement about the divorce or two separate ones?" Tandy unhooked her handbag from the stool she was sitting in and got up.
"I don't know, I guess a joint one would be more appropriate if Teddy agrees of course. You can discuss the details with my lawyer and then just send an email to my publicist or Bucky". Who cares, really!? Screamed the voice in her mind.
"Okay."
"Just do it within today, okay?" The sooner the better. Rayna nodded reflexively agreeing with her inner self.
"Have you cited irreconcilables differences in the papers?" Her sister asked out of curiosity.
"Well of course, that's the procedure in show business isn't it?" The country star smirked, tension finally breaking.
"I suppose it is." Tandy smirked as well collecting her car keys from her handbag. "I promised the girls we would have dinner together tonight. I'm picking them up from school and then we'll go grocery shopping. Daphne ordered Aunt Tandy's super cupcakes for dessert. Will you join us?" Oh, look a white flag! Rayna couldn't help but smile.
"I could use a super cupcake." She nodded offering a sideway grin.
"Great, I'll pick you up around 4." Tandy winked at her before turning on her heels and leaving.
"Well that was one hell of a start to my day, now wasn't it?" Rayna mumbled to herself, still trying to figure out where all that anger and pain had come from. She closed her eyes and rested her back against the kitchen counter when she felt a pang in her neck and down her back. Right, Tylenol. She made a mental note again and took another sip of her now cold brew.
Later that day Rayna, Tandy and the girls went grocery shopping. A home cooked meal was just what she needed after all the time she had spent on the road. Food at home always tasted better for some reason. While they were strolling down the aisles Rayna's phone rang "Hello?" A smile appeared on her face as soon as she heard the voice on the other end of the phone. "Are you serious? Of course I'm in, that's a great idea actually."
"Mom?" Maddie stopped in front of a newsstand.
"Honey I'm on the phone with Uncle Watty. Wait a sec." Rayna didn't even turn around, she just kept walking, mindlessly looking at the shelves. "Yeah, they're managing you know? But all in all I'd say they're doing good, thanks for asking."
"Mom!" This time Maddie's voice was firm and she could read the shock in it. Both Tandy and Rayna turned around and found the girls staring openmouthed at the magazines in front of them.
"Oh Dear!" Tandy exclaimed and pushed the shopping cart out of her way to get to the girls.
"Uhm…Watty? I'm sorry but I think I'll have to call you back. No, It's okay really. I'll think of something and call you when I've made up my mind. Talk to you later." Rayna ended the call and moved closer to the stand as well.
"Is any of this true?" Maddie asked, her voice at an halfway point between shock and disgust.
"Girls let's go, come on." Rayna took her youngest daughter's hand and pulled her back. Daphne's feet were glued to the ground though.
"It's true then! Daddy was cheating on you!" Maddie blurted out without thinking about it twice.
"What? He would never do that!" Her little sister butted in, horrified by her assertion.
"It's garbage." Tandy hurriedly declared, shooing the girls away from the stand.
"Mom?" Maddie's eyes were fixed on her mother who was now looking at all the magazines with her face printed on it. These people are out of their minds. Rayna could not believe her eyes, some of those tabloids had even Deacon and Liam on the cover.
"Your Aunt is right. These are all lies." Rayna nodded resolutely, won't so much as look at her, and dragged her little one behind her.
"See? I told you he would never do that." Daphne pushed her sister with her free hand and followed her mother's lead.
"But I-" Maddie started to protest but then stopped when she noticed the 'too far' look her Auntie was giving her.
"Let's go." Tandy circled her niece's shoulder and kissed the crown of her head. "Let's go". She repeated more soothingly.
As soon as they got out of the store flashes got off and they were all of a sudden blinded by bright lights and overwhelmed by paparazzi screaming Rayna's name and asking dumb questions concerning the divorce and the rumors that were going around. Dozens of cameras, camcorders, video cameras set on them, flashes of lights hitting them without intermission. And to top it off they were blocking the way to the parking lot. Tandy instinctively covered Maddie's face with her hand and walked as fast as she could through that insane crowd of intruders. Rayna was close behind her, both her arms protectively wrapped around Daphne as she tried to follow her sister's lead and keep those people away from her daughter.
"BACK OFF!" She yelled at a photographer who knocked her little girl on the head with his camera to snap a photo of Daphne's face. Another man with a videocamera almost made Maddie trip and fall flat to the ground when he lost his balance walking backwards to follow their path and fell right to her feet.
"HEY! HEY! Y'ALL STOP! GET THE HELL OUT OF HER WAY DUDE!" Rayna yelled all the while trying not to lose her hold on her youngest. She couldn't see where she was going with all those flashes firing at her, she just followed Tandy who was making a bee line for her car. "Rayna, where's Deacon?" Screamed a voice from her left. "Is the rumor of your affair true?" Yelled another guy holding a camera so close to her face, it hit her a couple of times. "What about Liam?" Asked a woman holding a recorder. "Have the girls met their father's new girlfriend yet?" Yelled a guy from the distance. Rayna was going crazy. Gimme a break! She screamed on the inside. It was like they were in the middle of a circus ring or animals trapped in cages at the zoo. It was just insane. Finally, somehow, they managed to reach the car and drive away from all that madness. Rayna was livid. She was a public figure, true, but her kids were not. They had the right to go grocery shopping with their mother without being harassed like that. Their lives were turning into a huge mess just fine without people following them around and stalking them with cameras and such. It took a while that night to calm the girls down, who had been frightened by the crowd awaiting them right outside the store. Daphne ended up with a little cut on the side of her head after her brief clash with that paparazzi's camera. Tandy's super cupcakes had been a flop, not even a sweet treat succeeded in cheering the girls up a little. They had both asked their mother if they could just sleep with her in her room for that night only and Rayna hadn't had the heart to tell them no. Teddy was staying in the pool house for the time being, he wouldn't have been of any help anyway. They had both decided there was no rush for Teddy to move out, Rayna would be going back to her tour soon and she had three months to go yet. The girls needed time to adjust to all these changes and surely they were not ready to start the back and forth journey between mommy's place and daddy's place yet. They hadn't decided on what to do with the house either thus far, pushing back all the decision making to when Rayna would finally be off the road. As of now the country singer was just trying to interact as little as possible with him. So far so good. Rayna thought to herself before drifting off to sleep that night.
- NASHVILLE -
The alarm on her phone went off as planned at 06.45. Between a grumble and another Rayna managed to reach the bedside table and turn it off without squashing Maddie in the process, who was sleeping right next to her. Daphne squirmed in her sleep and mumbled something incomprehensible while she juggled to get out of bed without waking any of the two up. Once she was out of her fluffy snugly trap Rayna grabbed her dressing gown from the bench seat and slipped it on. She took a moment to look at her sleeping daughters. My babies. A tear escaped her right eye as she wished they'd never have to wake up and face yet another day of noisy schoolmates, paparazzi chasing and mom and dad's cold war. What am I doing to them? Rayna's conscience bit her. All that pain her girls were going through, so undeserved and heavy on their hearts, she couldn't help but feel like the worst mother on the Planet. But then again her marriage to Teddy was over and it had been for a while. Postponing the inevitable made no sense at all. Because hurting my children on the other hand makes so much sense. She shook her head and took a big breath. It is what it is. She told herself before taking a moment to just enjoy the beautiful scenario right before her eyes for a little while longer. Maddie was cuddled up in a fetal position both her hands securely tucked beneath the white pillow. Daphne was taking all the remaining space of the bed, sprawled on the mattress both her arms and legs spread wide. They are so cute. She then grabbed her iPhone and walked downstairs to get breakfast started.
She almost fell on her face while walking down the stairs as she listened to a voicemail from Watty asking her if she had picked a song to perform that night at the Bluebird. Dammit! It's today. She cut the voicemail short and hit the texts icon on her phone with her thumb. Her fingertips bounced across the screen and the words "Happy birthday" appeared on it. She scrolled down her phone book until she reached the letter 'D', looking down at her the text she had just typed one more time and then hit send. Sorry Deac, this will have to do for now.
Thirty minutes and a lot of convincing and yelling later the girls were finally up and ready for school.
"Good morning beautifuls" Rayna flashed a smile over her shoulder while flipping a pancake, as her daughters walked downstairs.
"Morning mommy." A still sleepy Daphne mumbled rubbing her eye with her fist.
"Maddie?" Rayna looked at her eldest daughter waiting to be acknowledged. "Maddie?" Shed hissed annoyed.
"What do you want?" The girl snapped taking her earphones off.
"Hey missy, what's that tone?" Rayna turned the stove off and set the plate with a pile of pancakes on it down on the counter. Maddie didn't bother to answer her mother and just put the earphones back on.
"Daphne breakfast is not ready yet, why don't you go upstairs and fetch your things so you'll be all ready to go once you're done eating?"
"But pancakes are right here." The little girl whined pointing to the plate right before Rayna.
"Go." Rayna said firmly, ignoring the pouty face Daphne had immediately put on.
Rayna waited for Daphne to leave the room and then cocked her head to the side to study her teenage daughter's expression. Option A: soft approach; Option B: unyielding approach. Maddie could feel her mother's gaze on her but didn't lift her head up and kept typing down on her phone. Rayna took the matter in her hands then and in a swift motion grabbed one headphone and unplugged it from her ear.
"Maddie sweetheart I'm sorry about last night. We couldn't have that kind of talk in front of your sister or in a store with people eavesdropping." Rayna began, knowing full well why her daughter was so cranky and hostile towards her.
"I understand." Rayna sighed relieved. Maddie was a lot more mature than she wanted to admit.
"So it's true?" The girl asked looking away, probably afraid her mother's face would have given away the real answer to her question.
"I haven't talked to you father about it yet. I don't know what to think." Not entirely a lie, but not the truth either. Well played. Rayna internally complemented herself.
"Mom there were pictures on the covers of at least five different magazines. You need more proof?" Maddie eyes' narrowed in search of a reasonable explanation to her mom's demure attitude.
"I just want to give your father the benefit of the doubt, okay?" Rayna said softly. She was not going to encourage the witch-hunt Maddie had started towards her father. There were no sides to take or bad guys and good guys to make alliances with. The thought of turning her daughters against their own father couldn't have been farther from her mind. "I already filed for divorce. I ain't gonna change my mind, regardless of the fact he might or might not have been unfaithful to me." Maddie shook her head, distrust printed all over her face. "Maddie your dad and I love you, very much. That's all you need to know. We've already told you that whatever happens between him and I is not going to affect you girls in any way. We're going to be the best parents we can be to you even if we failed to be the best husband and the best wife to each other." Rayna took her daughter's hand in hers and held it tightly.
"Mom…"
"Maddie It's between your dad and I, okay?" She overruled her daughter's objection. " I don't want you to worry about it and I don't want you to say a word to Daphne about it. Am I clear?"
"Crystal." Maddie muttered and fixed her attention back on her phone.
"Good." Rayna nodded resolutely. "Now orange juice or green smoothie?" She asked pointing simultaneously to the refrigerator and the blender.
"Ewww! Orange juice definitely" Daphne said decisively walking back in carrying some notepads and her schoolbag.
"Yeah for me too, we don't need to diet like you do." Maddie quipped and high fived her sister, now sitting next to her at the counter. "About that I want an extra pancake today."
"There'll come a day when y'all will have to diet too to look pretty enough and when said day comes, and I'll be old and free from diets, I will be laughing right to your faces while eating a huge cheeseburger." Rayna announced solemnly and then took two tall glasses out of the cabinet.
"Well for now it's still the other way around" Maddie stabbed a pancake with her fork and put it in her mouth.
"Mommy I think you would look beautiful even if you were fat." Daphne offered her mother a wink and one of her megawatt smiles.
"Awww thanks baby." Rayna blew her a kiss. "Now try and convince Uncle Bucky of that too, okay?" All three of them burst into laughter. God, finally. How much I've missed hearing them laughing. Rayna thought looking at their smiley faces.
Rayna had one more stop to make, after she took the girls to school. Watty and her had agreed they'd meet at the bluebird to rehearse whatever song Rayna had picked out. She hadn't had much time to actually think hard on the song, she just assumed she'd be singing one of her many hits. Whichever Watty was more inclined to perform, would have done for her.
"Hey y'all." She hollered walking in the café. A choir of hellos followed her entrance, a couple of hugs were exchanged with the owners and then Rayna walked straight to Watty who was all wrapped up talking to two members of her band.
"Hey" Rayna smiled at them and pushed her sunglasses back to rest on her head.
"Rayna James is in the house!" Watty turned around and grinned at her. They hugged each other and excused themselves.
"Ah the bluebird! So many memories in here." Rayna exhaled sitting on a chair at a random table. Bits and pieces of Deacon and their relationship everywhere she looked. This is where it all began, this is the only place that makes me feel like it all never really ended.
"How you doing?" Watty reached across the table and patted her forearm.
"I'm doing good." Rayna faked a smile.
"You sure?"
"Yes, don't worry. I'm fine." She asserted again and glanced awkwardly around the café. Her eyes stopped when they crisscrossed to the stage. Oh my God. The light bulb in her head all of a sudden switched on.
"Okay, down to business then." Watty caught her drift. "Have you thought of something?"
"Actually I think I just got a great idea." A smug smile appeared on her face. He's gonna love it. Rayna nodded her head, she could feel the excitement building up from her very core now that she had found the perfect song to homage Deacon with.
Rayna spent the afternoon primping herself for the big night. The girls, as usual, helped her pick out her outfit and also gave her makeup instructions. She was impressed by how much the two had learned from having makeup artists and hair dressers around all the time while growing up. They chatted about school and ordered some Chinese food for dinner and had a great time until it was time for Rayna to go. Tandy had joined them for dinner that night again.
"Thanks for everything you're doing for the girls Tandy. Really. They love spending time with you" Rayna pulled her sister in for a hug.
"Works quite well for me because I love spending time with them as well." Tandy broke the hug and went back to cleaning the table. "So you're going to that party?"
"Yes." Rayna simply stated while putting her leather jacket on. "Teddy should be home any minute. Would you mind staying with the girls until he gets here?"
"No problem. Why can't you wait for him?" She picked her sister's brain.
"Because I can't be late to a surprise birthday party, now can I?" Rayna nonchalantly replied. Sorry Tandy, not in the mood.
"Or is it because you're avoiding him?" She inquired further.
"I am not. I just don't want to be late for Deacon's party is all." Rayna started looking around for her keys.
"Of course." Tandy sniggered and pushed the dishwasher door closed.
"Tandy please." Rayna rolled her eyes. I'm not getting dragged into this.
"You shouldn't even be attending it in the first place." She said wiping her hands on a dishcloth.
"For the love of God It's Deacon's birthday!" Rayna hoped her patience would outlive her impertinence.
"This is why your marriage is over sweetheart, this is why you couldn't make it work. Deacon's ghost has lived in this house with you all along. You know that, I know that, Teddy knows that. I think everybody knows that. Little fabrications were needed to write those articles in the magazines we saw yesterday. If you don't want to do this for him, just do it for your daughters. Talk to him Rayna. Give him a chance to explain why he did what we presume he did." She said emphasizing the word 'presume'. " I'd say you owe him."
"I owe him?" Okay, you win again Tandy. "As far as I know he could have had an affair with Peggy for months while I was trying to keep a roof above our heads by touring with miss shorty but goodie. How exactly do I owe him anything really Tandy?" Rayna was outraged by her sister's nerve.
"I'm just sayin-"
"Don't just say Tandy." Rayna stopped her, her tone changing to a begging one. "Stop psychoanalyzing me, my marriage, my family and my relationship with Deacon. Especially the latter."
"Why do you always get so defensive whenever the topic of the conversation shifts to him?" Tandy stomped her foot and rested her hand on her hip.
"Because nobody and I repeat nobody knows what happened between me and Deacon, except the two of us. You don't know what he's been through and what I've been through with him." She countered trying not to lose her cool.
"I think I have some vivid memories." Tandy deadpanned.
"That was my pain you saw Tandy, not HIS. Not OURS!" And then she lost it. Unable to contain herself anymore Rayna lashed at her sister. Yes, mentioning Deacon in a conversation with Rayna equaled to hit her nerves all together and yes, her sister knew it very well, yet she couldn't help it.
"I real-"
"What's going on here?" Teddy walked into the living room then, a confused look on his face. Neither of the two women said a word. They weren't even looking at each other. Rayna was red in the face and was gripping tightly to the edge of the counter, while Tandy was fumbling with the dishcloth in her hands.
"I have a gig tonight. I don't know when I'll be home. The girls already had dinner, they're upstairs doing their homework." Rayna walked to the living room and grabbed the purse she had previously tossed on the couch.
"I'll go and say good night to the girls before leaving. I'll see you tomorrow Teddy." The two exchanged a look. "Rayna." Tandy nodded towards her sister.
"What happened here?" Teddy asked Rayna pointing to the spot of the kitchen he had found the two bickering in.
"Nothing." Rayna cut short. "Listen I really have to go, I'm gonna be late."
"Can we just sit and talk for five minutes?" Rayna stopped in her tracks when she heard his request. Like hell we can!
"Teddy I really don't feel like talking." She decided to resort to civility.
"I'm sorry Rayna. Hurting you and the girls was the last thing I wanted. It was stupid of me to succumb to temptation like that." I'm so touched. Rayna rolled her eyes, trying to avoid any eye contact with him in the process.
"Oh that's it?" She scoffed after what she thought was a pause, turned out to be the actual ending of his mea culpa. "That's your big apology for cheating on me after twelve years of marriage Teddy? For putting your family under the spotlight? Is that really all you have to say after you threw our children under the bus?"
"What do you want me to say? I screwed up, I know that." He threw his arms up. "And I'm deeply sorry."
"Will that be all? I'm running late." Teddy stood silent, they stared at each other for what may have been a little less than 30sec, but seemed to them like an eternity. "Good night Teddy." Rayna said at last leaving a brooding Teddy behind her.
It took Rayna a good fifteen minutes that night just to get out of her property. A storm of paparazzi had attacked her as soon as the gates had opened up to let her out. You have got to be kidding me. Rayna tried to move as fast as she could with her car to get out of the storms' centre, but it was hard to achieve her goal without killing anyone in the process. She started blasting her horn then until they cleared the road out enough to allow her to leave. It's official, I'm late now. Rayna thought glancing down to the instrument panel. She cursed under her breath and stopped at a red light. She was nervous. She didn't know why she was feeling so nervous at once, but she was. Deacon hadn't replied to her text. Of course he hasn't, It's Deacon. It doesn't do texts. Also he doesn't do talks after random making out sessions in elevators. Rayna looked out of the window, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel. Sure as hell he knows about the divorce by now. She elaborated, waiting for the red light to turn green. What will his reaction be? He's gonna be relieved. Yeah, of course he is relieved. Teddy's out, good riddance. He'll probably avoid me all night long who am I kidding? Thoughts overlapped in her mind. Gosh, I need a drink and I haven't even seen him yet. Rayna shook her head. Tandy was right and it hurt her to admit it, but with her and Deacon? It's never off the table. A honk from behind her shook her out of her reverie. She looked up and saw the green light flashing at her. Dammit!
Thirty minutes later Rayna arrived at the Bluebird, she parked in the backside parking lot, just to be sure paparazzi would be kept at safe distance. That also would have granted her the opportunity to sneak in from the back door without having to make a grand entrance or just draw all the attention on her. She sneaked in and walked past the storage room when she ran into Deacon in the corridor. So much for avoiding each other. Rayna thought to herself.
"Hey" He looked quite shocked to see her.
"What's going on here?" Rayna's face mirrored his same shock expression when her eyes put on focus what he was holding in his hand.
"Juliette's mom had a relapse." He pointed to the glass of wine.
"Oh no." Oh thank God. The ton of bricks that had just fallen in her stomach disappeared. "I'm sorry to hear that."
Deacon set the glass down on the floor shaking his head. "Just admit you thought the drink was mine when you saw me." He could read her like an open book.
"I…I'm sorry." Rayna looked down, mortified.
"It's always gonna be like this with you, you will always expect the worst from me. There's no trust, there's no faith. I am always going to have to deal with that terrified look on your face whenever I spend a minute not under your watch." Deacon's tone was calm, resigned even.
"Deacon I-"
"Why are you even here?" He asked interrupting her.
"Wh-what do you mean? I came for you, It's your birthday." Is he serious?
"Yeah right." Deacon let out a small laugh and turned around to leave.
"Deacon?!" Rayna took two steps forward and grabbed his arm stopping him.
"Just stay out of my life alright?" He yelled right to her face, wriggling his arm from her grasp. "I'll never be good enough like Teddy or Liam for you. I'm the bad guy. I'm the 'headache'. I'm the troublemaker. I complicate things and you don't do complicate anymore. Message sent." He turned his back on her again and started to move when Rayna flung herself at him and grabbed his shoulder, turning him around.
"Hey hey hey, stop okay?" She kept a tight hold on his shoulder while her eyes were occupied piercing his blue depths . "What is the matter with you? I never said anything like that."
"Oh really Miss 'You're not only self-destructive, you're just destructive'? " He shook her hand off with his abruptly and broke their eyes contact.
"What the hell do you want from me Deac?" Rayna bellowed. "My husband and I are divorcing, my daughters have been crying themselves to sleep for two days in a row because of that, paparazzi are camped outside my house and follow me and the girls wherever we go, my publicist keeps calling me every hour to ask me if this new rumor is true or false, I'm going through hell right now but made time to come here anyway. For you!" For you, It's all for you. Always.
"I didn't ask you to come!" He yelled again.
"I know that. Excuse me if I wanted to be here for you." She held her hands up.
"You always do, don't you? Why can't you just let me go Ray? Why do you always have to keep me close enough to keep your life together but far enough to tear mine to pieces?" His deep breathy voice digging holes in her conscience.
"Deacon can we not do this now?" She sighed, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
"You didn't find the time to tell me about your divorce, but found the time to have your fun with Liam. Not a call, not a text, nothing. We kissed Rayna. You and I. "He pointed to her chest and then to his own. "We kissed!" Make no mistake I remember, oh yes that I remember. Rayna reminisced. "And the next thing I know Teddy is at your door and then all of a sudden you're calling it quits and I find myself hoping it is because of me, because that kiss made you realize you still have feelings for me or something. But once again I was just deceiving myself. I'm a fool for giving that kiss a much deeper meaning than you did." Ouch.
"How can you say that? No actually how can you even think that?" Rayna's mind went blank, she couldn't believe Deacon, her Deacon just said that.
"Think what? That you slept with Liam or that our kiss meant nothing to you?"
"To be honest Deac? Both." She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. Don't cry. She commanded herself.
"Well…." He shrugged hardheartedly.
"Please don't add fuel to the fire, okay? I can't do this right now, not with everything I have on my mind."
"Whatever Ray." Deacon walked away and Rayna let him go this time.
Among all the different scenarios Rayna had played out in her head on her way here, this was not one of them. Alright, seriously where's the tequila? Rayna recomposed herself and walked into the party.
"Rayna, It's time." Watty walked up behind her putting a hand on the small of her back about an hour later.
"Oh God no." Rayna shook her head and then gulped another shot of tequila down. "You know what, Watty? I can't do this."
"Rayna." Watty sighed peevishly.
"Deacon and I just got into this huge fight and I can't sing that song now." She explained and lifted her empty glass up pointing with her other hand to it. The bartender nodded at her and took it from her hand.
"You're coming with me. You see the little blondie there in the corner?" He pointed to Juliette who was now talking on her phone in a corner. "She's gonna kick both of our asses if we don't get up there and do our performance as scheduled." Rayna didn't even turn around too preoccupied with looking at the bartender filling her shot glass again "Come on." Watty gave her a little push and put her on her feet.
"Fine" Rayna grunted, the thought of a Juliette Burns's tantrum enough to push her on stage. I am so not dealing with that barbie doll sized spitfire today too.
Rayna followed Watty and in less than a minute found herself on stage. The three shots of tequila had worked their magic on her, for she felt less nervous about her performance now.
"How y'all doing tonight?" She greeted the crowd taking the microphone in her hand. Applauses and whistles went all around the room. "Thank you." She smiled again. "So….the song I'm about to perform was written by Albert Hammond and Carole Bayer Sager and the very first time Deacon and I met he was doing an acoustic cover of it on this very same stage in front of a much smaller audience and with a much cheaper guitar than the one he carries around these days." Everybody laughed. "Jokes aside…I know how much he loves this song and how special it is to him…and well it holds a special meaning for me too, so…" She trailed off before giving too much away. "Please welcome to the stage my close friend and mentor Watty White, my guitarist for the night." Everyone clapped their hands when the man walked up on stage and took his place on the left side of it. "This is 'When I Need You'. Happy birthday Deac." Rayna announced putting the microphone back on its stand. The first notes started playing, filling the air with anticipation. Rayna could read the excitement and wonder in her crowd's eyes. After a brief glimpse she decided to set her eyes on Watty on her right, waiting for her cue. The microphone tightly held in her ringless left hand, centimeters away from her lips. Watty looked up at her and gave an unperceivable nod, that was her cue. Here we go. Rayna closed her eyes and just let the sound produced by her voice muffle the noise produced by the traffic of thoughts in her head.
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
it's only a heartbeat away
Out of reflex she opened her eyes and went in search of Deacon. She skimmed through the whole crowd but couldn't find the blue eyes she longed for.
When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day
She kept singing, not even paying attention to hitting the right notes or staying in tune, she was pouring he heart out. It was the best performance she could offer that night.
Miles and miles of empty space in between us
A telephone can't take the place of your smile
But you know I won't be traveling forever
It's cold out but hold out and do like I do
Rayna felt two eyes burning holes through her and turned her head to the left. She found Deacon staring intently at her, his arms crossed against his chest, his jaw clenched. The little sparkle in his eyes giving away all his pretense. She could tell he was still mad at her but with every note his body language signaled he was softening up.
When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
The world around them all of a sudden disappeared. Rayna's eyes danced between his lips pressed in a firm line and his blue eyes. She was completely under his spell.
And all that I so wanna give you baby
it's only a heartbeat away
As if on autopilot she kept singing looking into his eyes, lost in those blue depths, holding her heart in one hand and the microphone in the other.
It's not easy when the road is your driver
Honey that's a heavy load that we bear
But you know I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out so hold out and do like I do
Deacon uncrossed his arms and slipped his hands in his pocket. He looked down and nervously shook his head. Rayna looked away then and focused on the high note she was supposed to hit soon. Just before the next line she gave a last glance to her left, but Deacon wasn't there anymore. Rayna closed her eyes then and started singing, it was the only remedy she knew to ease that ache anyway.
Ooooh when I need love
I hold out my hands and I touch love
Rayna felt a warm calloused hand wrap around her wrist and then move down, interlacing its fingers with her own. Her brain ordered her mouth to open up and sing the remainder of the chorus but her heart had stopped beating for a moment there and no sound came out. Instead a manly deep voice took over.
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day
Rayna turned her head only to find Deacon right next to her, microphone in hand singing the song that had made her fall in love with him over two decades ago. He squeezed her hand and she blinked back tears. Then they both nodded their heads and started singing together, her delicate voice melting in the ruggedness of his own.
When I need you
I close my eyes
I hold out my hand and I've got you darlin'
It's only a heartbeat away
They stole small smiles from the other and quick sideways looks. Their hands still entwined.
When I need you darlin'
I hold ya, feel ya
Give it to me baby
The audience was absolutely absorbed by their performance. The bartender had stopped pouring drinks, the waitress had stopped walking around the tables. Everybody was frozen looking up to that man and that woman singing to each other as though there was no more dawn awaiting them. Deacon took over and sang the next line, Rayna carefully looking down, scared that if she looked at him once more her heart would just come out of her chest.
And I miss ya baby
Just close my eyes and I'm with you
Rayna inched closer to the microphone and inclined her head a little, Deacon's eyes following closely how her glossy lips moved as she fearlessly sang the last two lines of the song to him.
And I need you tonight
You know it's only a heartbeat away
Applauses, whistles and cheers snapped Rayna out of her daydream. She tore her gaze away and smiled waving at the crowd, she noticed some women were wiping away tears from their faces and her heart warmed at the sight. Rayna fought back the tears herself, overwhelmed by all the emotions singing again with Deacon had given her. Deacon let go of her hand and lifted his arm over her head, settling it on her shoulders. He pulled her in closer as a soft and ever so light kiss was printed on her temple. Rayna couldn't help but melt into him. She closed her eyes relishing in the familiar warmth emanating from his body whenever they got so close to one another. By default she circled his hips with her left arm and hooked her thumb in his belt loop, giving herself permission to rest her palm on his hip. Deacon covered her hand with his own, she brought her other hand up and interlaced their fingers together, their hands hanging now loosely on her clavicle. She squeezed his hand tight and put on a huge smile for their crowd, all the while trying to keep it together. Don't pass out now Ray. Smile, don't pass out. Deacon turned his head to the side and then kissed her hair once again. You are freaking killing me here. She could feel her knees starting to give in so she took a step aside and broke their contact. As Rayna waved to the crowd, lavishing thank you's here and there, Deacon awkwardly stood there looking at her clearly not happy she had cut off their little moment so short. However, he thanked the crowd as well and walked off stage with Rayna at his heels. Juliette made a bee line across the band members gathered backstage for Deacon and jumped in his arms.
"That was amazing!" She squeaked before wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Deacon was clearly taken aback by her attitude and put her down after a second.
"Thanks," he mumbled not giving his boss the attention she was seeking for.
"You owe me a duet too now." Juliette said in a threatening tone.
"Yes yes later" Deacon hastily replied, not even knowing what he had agreed to. His eyes were following Rayna moving across the crowded room to the emergency exit door. He literally pushed the girl standing in front of him to the side and walked past her.
"Hey!" Juliette griped loudly, as people turned around to see what was happening.
Rayna walked into the deserted parking lot in desperate search for her car. Where the hell is it? She liftedher keys up in the air and hit the little button on the remote control. She heard a little ping coming from her right and located her SUV. There it is. She walked as fast as she could to it and jumped in at once. Out, I need to get out of here. She started the engine and unset the parking brake. The car started moving when she heard that unique voice calling her name.
"Rayna!" She looked into her review mirror only to find Deacon running after her car. "Hey wait up!"
She slammed on the gas, but the jungle of cars in the parking lot didn't permit her to reach the speed she needed to put an effective distance between them. Deacon cut across the parking lot through all the other cars and ran to her car. Before she knew it He was standing right in front of her SUV. Rayna jammed on the brakes at once as soon as his figure appeared out of nowhere in front of her. Her heart stopped beating when she realized she could have run him over. What the hell Deacon! She panted, her hand resting on her now racing heart. She watched him closely as he walked around the front of her SUV and got in. They sat in silence for a minute, both looking right in front of them, trying to catch their breaths. Deacon made the first move and put his hand on top of hers resting on her lap.
"I can't do this." Rayna shook his hand off. "I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have sung that song and you…us…There's just so much I need..." She took a deep breath, her lungs not fully recovered by the recent scare he had given her. "I can't do this." She repeated with a little more conviction this time.
"Listen" Deacon reached again for her hand but she didn't refuse his touch this time. "I'm sorry about before, I was just…I don't know angry I guess?"
"It's not just what you said Deacon." Rayna's eyes were filling up with tears and as much as she didn't want him to see her cry, she was having a hard time blinking them back. "My whole world is falling apart and I just don't know what to do."
"Darling you'll get through this, I know it's hard on you and the girls but things will get better with time." Deacon's hand wrapped around hers more firmly and gently gave it a reassuring squeeze. His blue eyes tracing her profile.
"Teddy cheated on me." And then she lost it. Tears started flooding down her face.
"That bastard!" Deacon hit the window on his right with the side of his fist. Rayna covered her face with both her hands and started sobbing then, knowing damn well she wouldn't be crying her eyes out right now had she not given up on them, had she not married Teddy. "I'm sorry Ray" Deacon apologized for his reaction and passed his left arm around her shoulders. "Come here" Rayna let him bring her closer to him and buried her head in his chest. Black mascara tears merging perfectly with his black buttonup. As his left hand was caressing her back in circles, his right one started stroking her head. He bent his head down and kissed her forehead multiple times trying to soothe her, trying to console her somehow but they both knew there was no solace for all the years they had spent apart. Because that was what this was all about. To the both of them. All the pain and the frustration they ever had to face during the years spent apart always brought back questions about what would have happened had they still been together. Every fight with their respective significant others, even the littlest stupidest issue, would hit them like an ocean wave on a castle in the sand and they'd just have to rebuild it over and over again. Deacon tried to move away from her, but Rayna circled his waist with her arm and brought him closer again. He nodded to her silent request of being held by him a little longer and brushed his lips over her soft copper waves.
"You wanna talk about any of this?" Rayna shook her head no, still clutching to his shirt, clinging to a past she hadn't chosen and couldn't have chosen. The smell of his cologne, the sturdiness of his chest pressed against hers, the way she felt her body's temperature shoot up whenever his hands rested on it….it was all part of a past she felt like she had no right to dream of anymore. Seasons change Rayna. She thought to herself.
"I'm truly sorry about what I said before. It's just…I don't know." He trailed off not really sure about what to say, how to put what he had in mind. Rayna glanced up at him expectantly ."Seeing you with Liam, I mean I am used to see you with Teddy and all that, but Liam?"
"Deacon…" Rayna sighed and broke their hug, sitting back straight in her seat. She wiped away the tears and rubbed her face with her palms.
"All I ever wanted is to be with you and I can't see this happening anytime soon and I'm scared I'm never going to get you back. There's always going to be a better guy who doesn't have to carry a '10 years sober' medal around his neck who can make you happier than I ever could."
"Oh Deacon…" Rayna's heart broke into a million pieces at his words. She really didn't know what to say to make him feel better. If only you knew, if only you knew how much my happiness over the years had depended on the certainty of having you in my life, on the belief that no matter how many hard times I'd have to face, you would always be by my side.
"Long ago I realized that no other person would be to me what you are Ray. I made peace with that and tried to move on with my life, but no matter how hard I try you always pull me back into this." He gestured between himself and her. "Whatever this is." He added dejected.
"I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry." Rayna replied looking away. Her stomach twisting at the thought of how much she had involuntarily hurt this man in the past. The realization of how much her happiness had been directly proportional to his unhappiness made her want to start crying again.
"I don't want you to say you're sorry. I want you to say nothing would change if I opened my heart to you right now and told you I am still madly in love with you. Say nothing would happen if I dared to cross that line."
"I-I…" Rayna's breath was caught in her throat. A fog of thoughts clouding her mind.
"Please say it Ray." Deacon took her hand into his and tugged at it making her turn to him.
Rayna gathered all her strength and for the first time in years shut her brain out and let her heart truly speak. "I'd be lying if I did." Her voice cracked by the upcoming tears.
"Then lie to me." Deacon squeezed her hand. "Lie to me." He implored her in a deep throaty voice filled with longing and command, his eyes matching the teary state of her own now.
Do it. Rayna leaned across the seat and grasped his cheek, before her lips lightly brushed against his. Hesitation passing between his eyes and hers as they touched. Deacon leaned forward and securely wrapped his hand around her neck preventing her from moving away from him, knowing deep inside the unlikeness of that occurrence was very high. He kissed her again, the tip of his tongue tentatively brushing between her upper and lower lip. Rayna's mouth opened then welcoming him in. Tongues met and that's when all the hesitancy and caution vanished. Rayna shifted in her seat and pushed herself up a little, enough to hover over him. Her waves falling down on his face, framing their kiss, protecting them from any prying eyes. Their tongues tangled at first, were now moving together battling for domination. Deacon freed his left arm, previously embedded between her body and the seat, and wrapped it around her waist, letting his thumb softly brush against the side of her left boob. Rayna moaned in his mouth and brought her hand up to his hair tousling it, while her right one slid down over the hard muscles of his chest and up again. She was led by an urgency that was nowhere to be found whenever she had kissed her soon-to-be ex-husband or any other man for that matter. As their tongues kept playing together exploring each other's mouth, their bodies pressed closer. Not close enough for Rayna though, who broke the kiss and lifted herself up from her seat, positioning her left knee between Deacon's legs and letting her right one balance on her seat. Deacon took advantage of the new position and grabbed her butt with both his hands. Rayna took a couple of breaths and then attacked his lips again. She took his lower lip between her teeth and sucked hard, now holding tight onto him for balance. Deacon groaned loudly and brought one of his hands back up and pushed it into her hair, filtering it through his finger. Rayna tilted her head to the right and let her tongue slip inside his mouth again. Her body naturally sashaying against his in a fashion that never felt too old. The friction produced by the different fabrics of their clothes setting them afire. Deacon slid his hand on the side of his seat and before she could do anything about it she lost her balance and found herself laying horizontally on him. They both chuckled and shifted in the seat to gain a more comfortable position for the both of them now that the seat was reclined against the backseat. She let her nails play with his scruffy cheek a little. God baby, how much I missed you. Deacon was looking up at her in awe, bedazzlement spelled out on his features. The tips of their noses softly brushed against each for the briefest moment, before their mouths started the assault again. She could feel her body coming alive under his fingertips that were moving up and down along her sides, under her blouse. His right hand grasped her butt firmly, one of his fingers dangerously close yet tortuously distant from where she desperately wanted it. Both ready to take the next step, in unison moved their hands to the fronts of their bodies. Rayna fumbled with his belt as Deacon more expertly had already popped open her blue jeans and unzipped them. After all that time spent slow dancing to the rhythm of regrets in a room of memories, they decided to change the tempo and just let themselves go. No questions to answer, no expectations to fulfill. Their mouths wrapped together, the beating of their hearts echoed around the car secluding them from the outside world. No push and pulling this time, no one step forward and two steps back for Deacon and Rayna in that moment of pure intimacy. Their swollen lips and wandering hands sealed the official ending of twelve years of agony, because that's what being so close to one another but unable to share and explore that closeness the way they wanted to, had been to them. The shadows of what nows too weak to dim that moment. Or so Rayna thought. Deacon's hand slipped inside her jeans and that's when her mind started playing back flashes of the last time something like that had happened: a hotel room - white sheets - a still lit up blunt on the bedside table - bottles of wine on the floor. The images forming in her head all contributory to her arousal. She was completely lost. And then she started hearing familiar voices: "I know that I wasn't your first choice…" echoed Teddy's voice in her head. She unbuttoned his shirt, never breaking contact with him. "If you care about your family you will not drag Deacon into this…" she shushed her sister's voice with a loud moan as Deacon kept stroking her mercilessly. "Imagine how he would feel if he knew what you had done…" Rumbled her father's voice this time. And then her mind started playing back recollections of a day she thought she had erased from her memory: a dirty motorway café toilet in Mississippi - a white stick in her hands - a pink plus sign. Rayna broke the kiss and gasped in search of air, shock washing over her. "No!" Screamed the voice of her conscience through her mouth. As though she had just woken hope from a bad dream. Deacon looked at her perplexed but stopped nonetheless, immediately understanding something was wrong with her. I can't do this to you, I can't do this to my family.
"Deacon I can't do this right now, I'm so sorry." She breathed, her chest pounding heavily.
"Ray…" He brushed her hair behind her ear to look in her eyes.
"No Deacon I can't." Rayna frantically zipped her jeans and moved clumsily back to the driver's seat. She buckled up her seat belt a hopeless shield to protect her from him and from herself for that matter.
"Rayna?" Deacon looked at her puzzled. Rayna turned her head around and looked at him. He was narrowing his eyes at her, the same expression her daughter had put on that very same morning, now on his face. She was barely breathing as the pieces in her head started recomposing that picture.
"Deacon please!" It's too much, this is all too much.
Deacon recognized the earnestness hiding behind the tone used to say his name. She wasn't ready yet. It wasn't time yet. He got out the car without saying a word. Rayna felt her heart sink to her stomach as she watched him walk away. She couldn't help the tears that were coming down her face. What did I do? What was I thinking? She covered her mouth with her hand to suppress a sob. The tingling skin on her chin and the smell of her oldest sweetest addiction still on her breath, making it hard for her to just pretend nothing happened moments before. She couldn't believe she had let herself go that far with him. She had strained every nerve in her body to prevent just that from happening during the years. Yet she couldn't stop herself tonight. She couldn't have a one nightstand with Deacon, she wanted the whole package with him now that she was free to be with him. Yeah free to be with him. I never will be. She had been hiding a daughter from him, for twelve years. They could never work that through, her father was right. He'd never forgive her. Maddie would never forgive her. I wouldn't have mercy upon my soul either. What ifs and should haves were eating her brain out. What if I told him then? I should have told him, I had no right to shut him out like that. What if He never sobered up, what would I have done? I should have raised Maddie all by myself, all alone. That eternal dilemma came back to haunt her. She couldn't believe nor accept the trick destiny had played on them. Never apart, never really together. What a sweet torture! She told herself looking in the distance. Rayna wondered if all that pain they both put themselves through was worth it. Yes, It is. She finally admitted to herself, what she had just admitted to him in front of a hundred people or so. His love makes it all worthwhile. Deacon was the old habit she couldn't kick, an irrepressible need, the sweetest sin, the neat line between paradise and hell. "He's everything." She sobbed. "He's everything" she mumbled again crossing her arms on the steer wheel and resting her forehead on them.
Loneliness kept her company that night while her heart was trying to put its pieces back together through tears and sobs. Exhaustion and heartache lulled her to sleep, letting hopefulness and faith lead her to her little wonderland.
- NASHVILLE -
"Mommy mommy mommy mommy wake up!" A very giggly Daphne jumped on her mother's bed the next morning.
"Daphne stop it." Rayna grunted grippin tighter to her pillow. "Mama wants to sleep some more." She mumbled drowsily.
"Come on, open your eyes." Daphne shook her mom's almost lifeless body.
"Daaaphne! It's Saturday. Come on." Rayna protested trying to get her daughter off of her somehow, but she wasn't much awake yet to muster enough strength to put up a real fight.
"Moooommmy!" Daphne wined noticing her eyes were still shut. She reached across the bed and turned the lamp on her bedside table on. Oh for God's sake! Rayna opened her eyes, defeated.
"What?"
"Breakfast's ready." The little girl simply smiled at Rayna.
"Alright." She sighed and got out of bed. Walking into her bathroom she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Looking good! She sarcastically told herself. Puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, smudged makeup, disheveled hair, a worn out t-shirt, the perfect heartbreak outfit really. For a moment she had forgotten about the events of the previous night. She touched her lips ever so lightly with her fingertips and closed her eyes, she could still feel his mouth upon hers and his body against hers.
"Mom?" Maddie's voice snapped her from her usual Deacon's daydreaming.
"Coming." She hollered before washing her face and try to make herself a little more presentable.
Maddie and Daphne were picking in what seemed a cafébag when she entered the kitchen. Rayna looked around and saw three cups of coffee to go. What is this?
"So you girls took my car, went downtown to my favorite café and bought me coffee? Why, I'm honored." She joked sitting on a stool at the counter.
"A guy delivered it like 5min ago. Weird huh?" Maddie said grabbing a cup with her name written on it.
"I'm sure this is all Daddy's." Daphne smiled beaming with pride as she took a muffin out of the bag.
"Yeah probably, I mean who knows how I like my latte other than you guys?" Maddie pointed out mirroring her sister's action.
"Can we go watch some tv pretty please?" Her little one asked taking the cup with her own name on display.
"What you got in there?" Rayna asked her, worried it'd contain caffeine or something.
After taking a sip Daphne stated "Mint tea of course."
"Of course." Rayna laughed relieved. "Okay you can go." She tousled her blonde locks a little. "That's mine?" She then asked Maddie nodding towards the one cup left on the counter.
"I guess so." Maddie shrugged and followed her sister.
Rayna lifted it up and began sipping it. "mmmm" Ah my favorite. She smiled. Now Teddy, this won't grant you forgiveness for being a cheater, but hey nice try. Rayna didn't notice at first her cup didn't have her name on it, she had just assumed Teddy didn't want to give her name to the café and have tabloids print God knows what on the types of coffee Rayna James liked better. She enjoyed her last moments of joy with her black best friend before she'd actually have to start her day, before she'd have to start pretending the door to the past was closed. Once she was done she moved to throw the cup away in the trash. The cup fell upside-down in the trash and Rayna noticed something was written on its' bottom. What's that? She bent down and took the cup back. Her eyes skimmed along a too much familiar black handwriting. A tear fell down on her cheek at the realization that maybe, just maybe, hope still remained. She then set the cup down on the counter, laying on its side, and stared at that little inscription wonderstruck:
I am only a heartbeat away.