(AN) I post trigger warnings, including ones that are not covered by FF's rating system, on a chapter-by-chapter basis, so please PM me if there is something you need me to post warnings for in later chapters. I will include it at the beginning of each chapter- no questions asked.
Content Warnings for this chapter are: vomitting, bloody imagery, and negative depictions of panic attacks/anxiety, and mentions of bare chests
Enjoy, and thanks for reading!
Mathias did not expect to spend the night dry heaving off of one of the outer walls of his fortress, but so few things in his life seemed to be going according to plan as of late.
'This may as well fucking happen' he thought as a stream of bile dripped from his mouth into water below.
He leaned his head against the cold stone floor and closed his eyes. Although he had hoped that excusing himself from the buzzing activity of the mess hall would allow him some respite from the guilt plaguing his mind, all he could see behind his closed eyes was the first Hoshidan soldier that he sunk his blade into at Fort Dragonfall.
His hand on the hilt of Yato sinking further into the abdomen of the woman in white robes and a battle-worn chest piece. The unsullied cloth slowly spreading into a deep crimson as her shocked face contorted in fear and hatred. His fingers trembling as she gripped the head of his blade in futility.
Could a blade forged in the image of the Hoshidan royal family turn on its own kin?
'It can in the hands of a monster' he thought as he opened his eyes and stared at his sore palms.
This was not sparring with Xander until the sun was so low in the sky that both brothers could barely make out the exhausted grins on each others' faces, nor was it pulling punches on a small group of usurpers in a rebellious tribe beyond the watchful eye of Castle Krakenburg. This was the choice that he, alone, had made- and it was only going to get more difficult from here on out.
He could only imagine the pained look of anguish and disappointment in Mitoko's- in his mother's face for a few seconds before he started vomiting again, rejecting what was left of his dinner into the canal.
Suddenly, he heard noises coming from farther down the rampart halls.
"Heh! I must humbly disagree with you my sneaky comrade!" a booming voice echoed somewhere far behind him. "You think you can completely protect our liege from an ambush from the shadows? It. is. an. ambush! The foul miscreants likely put into consideration their surroundings if they have the audacity to assault Lord Leo!"
A lower, and far less enthusiastic voice laughed sarcastically in response.
"Oh please, Odin. If I had a gold piece for every ambush I, myself had been apart of that fell apart because my compatriots had simply neglected to look behind them when they were so focused on their prey, I would be able to retire from this particular line of work and start my own damn noble house."
Mathias wiped the side of his face but did not look up, hoping the two people would not see their commander at the end of the walkway in such a compromising position.
"Ha! Now there is an image for the Record Hall: 'Lord Niles of House Might-have-had-a-last-name-at-some-point now approacheth!" The other one replied.
They sounded like Leo's retainers. He had not talked much to either of them since meeting them in the Ice Tribe Village, but if their reluctance to spare the villagers were any indication, they were not people that would understand Mathias' current fixation on killing a single soldier. At the very least, he did not want the two observing him sweating anxiously and puking in a corner in the middle of the night, for any reason.
He lowered his head again, not feeling well enough yet to sit up completely but aware enough to try and scoot himself further into the corner of the wall, where he hoped he would be out of eyeshot.
Niles' amused snort bounced off the walls. "Catchy. But my point is that there is little you can do to block blows from Lord Leo in that tight little outfit of yours from the front lines, unless you are relying on these so-called miscreants being spellbound by your rippling pectorals. It would work on me, mind you, but again, I've been a part of a number of failed ambushes in my younger years for far stupider reasons."
"Little outfit!? This sacred garb was woven of the finest samite under the cold light of a full moon-"
Odin halted his tirade mid-sentence and Mathias heard a pause before a pair of footsteps grew steadily louder behind him.
Shit.
"Ho there, silhouette of indiscernible yet steadfast ally! Are you feeling entirely well this evening?" Odin called down toward him as he walked in his direction.
Mathias waved a hand over his head dismissively in response and turned away. "I suspect I just had a bit to much to drink at the mess hall, no need to worry...sir," he called back.
The other, quieter pair of footsteps came closer as the blond man in strange, revealing robes kneeled at Mathias' bent over frame in concern.
"Odin, if you're going to play good citizen for the rest of the night, I'm out. I have no stomach for do-goodery at this time of the- oh my…"
Mathias saw another pair of feet in worn leather boots before looking up at Niles, grinning down at him with wicked amusement. The retainer's snowy white hair framed his dark face in wisps, as his singular eye sized the prince up.
"You know, I didn't know that anyone could hear me when I told Odin, here, the other day, that I'd love to see our princeling on his knees in front of me."
He crossed his arms and lowered his head as close to Mathias' face as he could get without actually touching him.
"I guess I'll have to gossip a bit quieter next time, hmm?" he said in a low, silky voice that made Mathias' skin crawl.
"Niles, don't be such an ass," Odin grumbled as he elbowed the other man away. "I apologize for failing to recognize you before, milord. I can help you toward the infirmary if you need assistance."
Odin sounded strangely out of place without his flowery speech patterns, but he had a undeniably soothing presence that seemed almost genetic. Nevertheless, as Xander had often told him, it was unbecoming for a prince to be at the mercy of his troops, regardless of their good intentions. The quicker he could shake the two of them off, the better.
"That's very kind of you Odin, but I'll be fine, thank you. Don't worry about, um, not seeing my face. I'm sure it's hard to see much of anything at this time of the night," Mathias said with a shaky voice.
Niles leaned against a column and narrowed his eye, still smiling to himself.
"Are you sure milord? It would be a simple task to assist you in escorting you, I assure you," Odin urged.
"I have no doubts in your ability to assist me, Odin, but I'm afraid I just had one mead too many after dinner tonight and I'd be a bit embarrassed to go to the apothecary's tent with a hangover in the dead of night," Mathias replied, hoping the waver in his voice could be mistaken for simple intoxication, and not the cold sweat of a panic attack.
"Then let us accompany you to your quarters at the very least, milord," he insisted, and Mathias sighed in defeat. The mage seemed persistent if nothing else, and he admittedly did not currently want to be alone with his thoughts. Camilla had always told him he was lousy at being aloof.
Wordlessly, he lifted his arm and Odin took the gesture, pulling Mathias to his feet and readjusting himself to allow the prince to lean on him as he walked.
Behind them Niles clicked his tongue, following them at a slightly slower pace.
"Keeping the prince all to yourself, Odin? That's awfully selfish of you," He crossed his arms and shook his head slowly. "What would our Lord Leo say if he saw your hands all over his precious brother?"
Before Odin could respond, Mathias raised his head and set his tired eyes on the other retainer. He liked to think that he normally had a much thicker skin, but at the moment, he did not want to play whatever game the outlaw had in mind.
"Niles, is it? I thought that you had no time for do-goodery. I'm sure, then, that you have other, far more pressing matters to attend to then escorting blue bloods in the middle of the night."
Niles raised an eyebrow in mild interest and laughed quietly to himself, "Ah, our princeling has some backbone. Not that I'd be able to tell, the way you're bent over."
Odin looked from Niles to Mathias as they walked, torn between shouting at Niles and helping the prince keep his balance.
"I'm sorry milord, Niles finds the most inappropriate times to flaunt his fixation with the misery of those around him, despite how poorly," he said with a glare pointed toward Niles, "it reflects on our Lord Leo when he tries to push his luck."
Mathias raised a hand weakly. "It's alright, Odin, I understand, I should have been more direct." he cleared his throat and stared back at the man sauntering behind them. It appeared to Mathias that if he didn't provide Niles with his own strange form of entertainment, the outlaw would make some himself, causing Mathias' already horrible night to be dragged on longer than it had to be
"Niles, I am not in the mood. If you are not here to serve some sort of purpose, please fuck off," he said in a flat tone.
Despite trying to appear as diplomatic as possible, Odin could not stifle a loud snort as Niles' eye widened and his head raised ever so slightly in shock.
Mathias hated to be so rude before he knew why the man tended to act that way, but he was thankful that the two retainers stopped looking at him as though he was going to faint at any moment. Just knowing that helped him feel slightly more in control of himself.
Niles recovered quickly, his face silding quickly back into its resting expression of smug disinterest. Despite this, he still followed the other two, except this time without adding any commentary. It was not unwelcome, but considering that all Mathias knew of his brother's retainer was that he had an affinity for pushing others' buttons, it felt uncharacteristic, or at the very least, not permanent.
The three of them walked in relatively awkward silence until Mathias could see the outline of an oak tree beyond the rooftop of the smithy, the night air blowing the smell of cooled iron to his nose. He swallowed and turned his head away from it, breaking the silence to push thoughts of metal piercing skin from his mind.
"Ah, this is it over here Odin, thank you," Mathias said, and pointed to the treehouse nestled at the edge of one of the castle's inner canals.
"Do you require any help settling in milord? Your humble companion, Odin Dark, will not rest until all valiant tasks have been executed…valiantly," he trailed off.
Mathias shook his head as Odin let go of him.
"That won't be necessary, I'm already feeling a bit better," he paused. "But thank you Odin, if you do not let him know before I do, I will report your good service to Leo."
Mathias did not think that Odin was aware how visibly giddy he became at a small amount of praise, but despite how amusing it was, the pit in his stomach reminded him that he would be best sending the two off in case he relapsed.
"Good night to you Odin."
"Fare thee well milord!," Odin sang with a twinkle in his eye. "May the velvety darkness of night swath you in its fine blankets and whisk you into pleasanter realms than these,"
Mathias opened his mouth to ask Odin to explain what he meant, but thought better of it in his current state, and simply waved.
"Come, Niles. We should leave the good prince to his own pursuits," Odin said, gesturing his head toward the barracks in a very unsubtle fashion.
Until then, the outlaw had been looking around, either lost in thought or pretending to ignore his companions' conversation.
"Hmm? Oh, I'll let you get out most of your moonlit prancing on your own before I have to be seen with you again," Niles said, picking food from between his teeth. Odin looked at the prince and gave Niles a warning look, but decided to drop whatever he was going to say and walked away.
Mathias sighed and looked wearily at the other man.
"Is there anything else Niles? As I said, I am in not in the best of moods and I do wish to retreat to my quarters."
"Oh, I wasn't lying entirely. Whenever he gets a pat on the head or something, Odin prances. A lot. Last time someone complimented his latest battle spell over dinner, he did this ridiculous dance-fighting routine all the way back to the other end of camp. I don't want whoever is on the night patrol seeing me with that, for the second time this week."
He gestured his thumb over his shoulder to distant cries of 'My aching blood rolls and boils at the utterance of positive feedback!'
Mathias smiled thinly and made as though he was about to leave. "Well, feel free to stand under here until you feel the distance between 'that'," he said with air quotes, "and yourself, is sufficient. Now if you would excuse me," he said, walking past him.
"You had better learn to like the sight of spilling blood very soon, milord," Niles said behind him.
Mathias turned his head and stared at the one-eyed man.
"I'm…sorry?"
Niles took a knife out from somewhere in his tall boot and started absentmindedly picking at the bark of the tree trunk with it.
"I know the smell of too much liquor on a man's breath when I put my face that close to his, and you, milord, could stand to drink more tonight, if anything."
Mathias felt sweat begin to re-form at the back of his neck as he stood up straight, his expression guarded. It didn't even occur to him that Niles invaded his space earlier to catch him in his white lie, and the fact that Mathias did not figure it out until now made him very nervous.
"...Thank you for not disclosing this to your fellow retainer, although I am slightly concerned that you do not trust me enough to believe my word."
Niles shrugged "Don't take it personally, milord, I don't trust anyone. Besides, Odin already knows I'm an asshole, what good does it do to call you out in front of him?"
"Can I at least trust you not to spread my…aversion to bloodshed to others in the army?"
"You can, I don't know why you would though, I've done very little to earn that trust,"
Niles looked at the prince and saw the panic and humiliation that flashed before his eyes. He laughed.
"Relax, kid. I don't care enough about usurping your authority. Honestly, I think its kind of cute,"
Mathias looked at him in disbelief. "You think its…cute."
"Sure! You may seem untouchable when you dictate the direction of two armies with a single decision, or when your princely presence leads me to make the assumption that I'm set for the hangman's noose because I pissed you off, and hey don't worry about that because I certainly deserve it." Niles shrugged. "But beneath it all, you're just a pedigree kid with too much power for his own good. Watching you squirm when you have to look at the real consequences for your actions at the other end of a sword? Well, its just downright adorable," he said with a crooked grin.
Mathias sighed. "Niles, I'm not going to threaten to have you killed for being annoying while I'm feeling sick. I know you don't trust me, and there is nothing I can do at the moment to change that, but we're allies, alright?"
"Your leniency does you little credit, Lord Mathias, but it is appreciated."
Niles tossed the knife in the air and caught it again, stabbing it against the side of the tree
"No comment on my other accusation then?"
Mathias could feel his panic rising again, the sweat on his back turning cold and clammy. He did not wish for the man to see more of his weakness but he did not know how long he could suppress another wave of anxiety. He clenched a fist behind his back, whitening his knuckles and allowing his nails to dig into the skin of his palm. The sensation would ground him for at least a few more moments.
"No. No comment," he said between gritted teeth and climbed up the treehouse ladder.
"You dirtied your hands before you even made a choice milord," Niles called after him. "If I were you I'd accept that now, or this will be a looooong, hard march."
As Mathias reached the top of the ladder, he saw Niles walk away, chuckling at his own innuendo.
"Sweet dreams," he chimed over his shoulder, waving his hand.
That night, Mathias dreamed of iron and blood, curdled screams echoing from every direction.
AN: This is cross-posted from AO3, so if you prefer their format or want to read ahead up to chapter four, feel free to use the url on my profile and it will take you there. I will post previously written chapters here once per week b/c it takes a little while to reformat them.
I decided to post this here as well, now that I know FF has an android app which is awesome! I'm always down for constructive criticism so if there's something you think I need to work on, let me know! I did this mostly to keep in the practice of creative writing so I'm always hankering to improve.
Thanks again for reading!