I wrote this after a throw away comment in Strange Fate, as close as you'll ever get (one of my other humour fics, I thought Hunter Redfern deserved his chance with the Frosted Flakes, please RNR)

All Eric Ross remembered was answering the door. He had expected it to be an Avon salesman or one of those nice two pounds a month charity people. How he did like talking to those! Although the last one had run screaming from the house in front of a moving Guinness truck, but he had been cleared of all charges.

Instead standing half in shadow, his white teeth smiling dazzlingly brilliant in the midday sun was a red haired man, in his early thirties.

After that it had all gone black.

Eric came around, his head pounded, he felt like someone had hit him over the head with a baseball bat, which strangely enough wasn't that far from the truth. The man at the door hadn't needed the bat, he had used telepathy to actually knock him out, that part had just been for fun.

He struggled at his has bonds but he could tell, the person who had tied him up wasn't like Thea, they knew how to tie a knot he couldn't get out of. The last time she had tried that game of hers, it had taken him three days to get home but he had still found her!

"Urrrrrggghhhhh"

The groans took Eric by surprise. He wasn't alone. He was sitting back to back, Indiana Jones style with someone else. Two chairs, two victims. Who else had this fiend kidnapped?????

"What the , where's Bella, what have you done with Bella?????"

A voice behind him cried out with absolute anguish.

"Calm down" Eric took charge, he was school choir captain, head of the origami league. He was used to being in charge. "My name's Eric Ross, we seem to be in a bit of trouble here"

"But what have you done with BELLA" He shrieked from behind him.

Eric couldn't see the owner of the voice, however he did have a sudden urge to punch him til he got a grip. "I'm tied up too, maybe you can reach my knots?"

"If you've hurt bella, I'll kill you I swear it, on the very blood that flows through my veins. On everything I hold dear, I'll rip you apart" The voice continued

"Look" Eric went on "I don't think you quite understand, I'm tied up too, I was knocked out, tied up and brought here, just like you"

"I'll hunt you down for the rest of your days. I'll not rest! Do you understand? Now where is Bella. What have you done with Bella, tell me?"

"Dude, I'm tied up" Eric screamed in a high pitched voice. It was the only thing he could think to do. That high pitched girly voice always worked for Poppy.

The voice started weeping quietly "Bella, Bella" it muttered

Eric sighed. He looked around. They were in a factory. A BIG factory. Their strapped chairs were on a high up, from his seat he could see the entire factory floor. Everywhere there was machinery, in varying sizes. And boxes, cereal boxes stacked up in endless rows. Running forever with that cheesy picture on the cover. But it was the machinery that put the fear of the Goddess into him. It was on top of of one of the larger pieces of equipment that they were resting. Still all that cereal. If only he had some milk.....

"Hmmmm Frosted Flakes" Eric grinned. He was hungry!

"Bella bella" the voice whimpered

"I'm Eric Ross" He tried again

He heard a sniff as if the man behind him was snorting snot up his nose. Crying like a girl will do that to you. "I'm Edward, Edward Cullen, do you work for Victoria?"

"Huh, who's that?"

Edward sniffed again "A evil vampire trying to build a army of vampires and kill my darling sweet, beautiful, innocent Bella"

"Errrr no" Eric replied

"Okay then" Edward's head tried to turn "Are you sure?"

"Yes" Eric looked down just to check.

There was a long pause, Eric shifted uncomfortably in his chair. There wasn't really much you could do when you were kidnapped. Since his hands were tied...

"Never gonna give you up" he started to sing half heartedly "Never gonna let you down"

"Don't sing" Edward replied deadly serious "My face is shiny, like diamonds, I might kill you"

Eric shut up quickly. Dimly he wondered if Bella was a dude. He looked around tapping his fingers, the only part of him that could move. He was sooooo bored. What could you do when you do when you couldn't move your arms and legs? This guy didn't seem like the type for eye spy.

Plus he was wearing tight jeans and sitting quite happily with his bare chest on show. Eric had the nasty suspicion that he was a vampire.

The silence stretched, it was getting awkward, what could two guys talk about when one was semi naked?

"So" Eric muttered, playing it safe "Your girlfriend's called Bella then"

"Bella" Edward said her name like it was a sigh "She's tender, brave and so utterly beautiful. And she has the most private mind....."

Eric scrunched up his face, if anyone was beautiful, tender and brave it was Thea. And she definitely had a private mind. She almost never told him what she really though. "Bet she doesn't have as much of a private mind as my girlfriend" He muttered, not sure whether he should be annoying the guy behind him.

"Her mind is VERY private" Edward growled, no one insulted his precious Bella

Eric straightened up "Thea never tells me anything"

"Bella is so private she needs to hide away from me with a very good looking werewolf" The bare-chested vampire shifted in his chair causing Eric to move as well.

Eric crossed his arms in annoyance "Thea is so private that she does spells on me and my friends but doesn't tell me because its for my own good. I only find out because I'm clever"

"Bella is so private she threw herself off a cliff because I was in her mind"

Eric's jaw dropped, not even he could counter that, so he threw his head backwards, smacking it into Edward. It made such a satisfying thud.

"Owwwwww" Edward shrieked

"Nice to see you gentlemen are getting along" It was the silky smooth tones of their captor.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Bella?!"

"Not this again" Eric moaned

"I am Hunter Redfern, and today one of you is going to die"