This story takes place after Bella and Edward return from Volterra in New Moon.

All Twilight characters and places belong to Stephanie Meyers.

Please enjoy and Reviews would be greatly appreciated :D

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Bella's Journal

Chapter One: After Volterra

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It's been two weeks since we got back from Volterra and everything has changed.

I didn't try to go against Charlie to see Edward being grounded is good for me right now.

After the effects of being in a life threatening situation have faded I am happy to have seen him again yet nothing can ever be the same.

When he left me at Charlie's he tried to kiss me to comfort me and I just couldn't.

Could Edward really think that the past few months could be erased between us as if it never happened?

The hole in my heart is not whole again and I don't know if it ever will be.

He left me no matter his reasons he still left me and I don't know if I can forget that.

Just the thought of it happening again makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear.

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Edward kept holding me in his arms on the trip back but I wouldn't respond.

I don't know how to act around him I don't feel like I can be myself any more.

We didn't speak more than a few sentences and I didn't know what to say.

I know he was scared and that was partially why he left to protect me but when it comes down to it he left me disappearing from my life and now expects to pick back up where we left off.

This can never happen I know that now.

When I am with him I feel numb and I don't know what to say or how to act.

Even when he went down on bended knee in front of me asking my forgiveness I still felt nothing.

I said that I forgive him and I can to a certain degree because I know that he was going to end his life because he thought I had died.

With that one thought there is no other option but to forgive him the fact of leaving but forgetting that I don't when or if I can.

I keep having the nightmare of him leaving over and over but I don't wake up screaming am just cold so very cold.

We go to school but don't talk or sit together though I feel him watching me whenever we're in the same room.

I haven't called, emailed, or texted him and have ignored his to me even though he keeps sending them.

Honestly I don't know where we go from here I still love him without a doubt but I can't forget the hurt and pain…pretend it didn't happen.

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Soon I will have to tell Edward that I can't go back to the way things were before.

I still feel like I'm numb it matters not what happens I go on and I live but it's just existing.

I can't let him have my heart again this time I must guard it well.

What it comes down to is I don't trust him now and I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again.

He expects things to be as they were but I can't just pick up the pieces again.

When he left he wanted me to act is if he never existed but knowing he was still out there living a life without me hurt worse than if he had been gone forever.

I gave him my heart so freely without reservations I never thought to guard myself against him even though now I realize he is the one person in the world with the power to hurt me the most …to break my heart and steal my soul.

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I want to be with Edward more than anything and will do everything in my power for that to happen.

I just don't know if we can get past this…the only way I see to go forward is to start over like we just met.

As painful as that might be it would be more painful to try to continue on as if nothing happened as if he wasn't gone from my life for months.

The more that I think about it if Edward truly wants to be with me he will have to try and earn my trust and my heart again.

There are more reasons I think he left then for my protection and to make the break easier.

I think he also was scared of our feelings for each other and how he'd never felt this way before therefore running away was easier than embracing our feelings and experiencing love truly for the first time.

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I remember the darkness and the never ending pain in my heart until Jacob shined light through making me slowly live a bit again.

Edward needs to understand that I can't go through that again at times knowing he was somewhere in the world living without me in his life I fell into a deeper darkness.

Sometimes the coldness creeps up on me chilling me through to my heart.

I try to shake it away but at times it's too much and I feel the tears falling down my face.

The numbing coldness sweeps over me closing me off from the world till I am enclosed in an invisible shroud watching as life passes me by.

Doesn't he realize he hurts me so pretending that we are just fine and everything's going to be alright?

The more I think of his reactions to my behavior of his leaving in Volterra the more it hurts.

How could he so nonchalantly ask "and you believed me?" when it came to me breaking down into a despair so deep I thought I'd never find my way out because he left me.

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It must be soon that I confess to him that if he wants to be with me one day he must gain my trust again.

If I don't tell him it will build up in me and little by little his carefree attitude of glossing over those painful tortuous months for me will chip away the love I still have for him hidden deep within my heart.

He is hiding behind his smiles how scared he was that he thought I had died and how strong our love really was…I know he is.

I will tell him this week for I don't think I can go any longer without exploding in anger, sadness, and in tears when I see and hear him act so happily after such a short period of time.

I know not how he will respond but it will be a relief to have my feelings known.

I would rather know now if we cannot get through this than to keep holding myself back not knowing how to act without fear he will be upset with me.

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We must be friends again before we can go back down the path we were headed.

I don't want us to forget all our memories but I can't go forward I can't let him hold my heart in his keeping not yet if at all.

He told me that he would love me forever and do anything for me then to hear him tell me he doesn't want me any more destroyed me inside.

For months I was in a daze trying to make sense yet still not believing it was over.

I just couldn't leave the safe haven of memories that I tried to cling to desperately trying to hang on to the love we had.

If I let myself then I would forget him and I thought as long as I didn't forget him that somewhere wherever he was he wouldn't forget me.

Now I feel foolish that I professed my love so profoundly…so freely not holding back.

As I came out of my cocoon of self imposed despair I saw there were others who cared and that I was not alone.

If not for them I don't know if I would be here or not and that scares me very deeply.

I will talk to him soon I must for I can't keep living this life of deception…to all the world it's as if time stopped for us but it didn't.