fandom: full metal alchemist
title: matchbox
pairing: roy + ed
rating: pg
Description - There is something wrong with Roy's ability to call the flame. And he can't seem to understand what is so obvious to his golden-eyed vampire…
Disclaimer - Full Metal Alchemist isn't Yui's property. matchbox.
By miyamoto yui
Snap! Flick on. Snap. Flame out.
Snap. Spark.
Crackle.
This time, I blow out the flame, but the alcohol on my breath prolongs its short life. Then, once again, it dies into nothingness. The only thing that's left is the residue on my white fingertips and the brief smell of burned smoke in the air.
As with all things, they remain in some way. They leave a reminder of their life of how it was touched and how it still wants to continue to push into existence.
I turn my head and look all around me.
It takes me a few seconds to reorientate myself. I am no longer in the bar, but in my office. It is the middle of the night. My blue jacket is a careless heap on the floor as if it wants to be stepped on. I didn't even bother to hang it up because I just didn't care for appearances at the moment.
Besides, no one would know anyway. No one had to know of my little escapades.
"Hmph." I laugh while lifting up my glass of ice and vodka. I rotate my right wrist and watch the liquid swirl at the motion of my hand.
It's just like when you give people suggestions. You're a catalyst with an idea, implanting it into someone's head. Then, it will dwell there until it is recalled later on with a little twisting of words and of hands.
It's all about schema.
You give someone a framework and they'll unconsciously take it.
Why are people so weak this way?
So, as with all these 'escapades', these slight delusions into unreality, I keep them imprisoned within my mind and heart as well as the four-cornered office that I occupy. It keeps me well balanced. No one else should know of these slips into personal calamity anyway.
It's so unlike me to not be 'calm'. Who would be so artless as to fall into their demise?
Certainly not me. Not THE Roy Mustang.
No, the person whose heart is made of nothing but igneous rock. It's merely something made of hardened lava, isn't it?
Yet, here I sit engrossing myself in my own shame at my 'weakness'.
Yes, as much I would callously deny it, I actually do feel perturbed and disturbed once in a while.
I sigh as I slowly spin my seat to face the windows in back of me. The darkness of the night is comforting because I do not have to watch myself in the light.
It is the same as always: Everyone sleeps while I am perpetually awake.
I blink at the moon as it shines on everything, but away from my direction.
Without turning my head, I place my drink onto my desk. While pressing my back onto my chair, I take a deep breath. The smirk on my lips is now becoming a straight line.
I am tired, but I am an insomniac.
I lay my arms on the sides of the chair and watch the moon absentmindedly.
"I should be in bed right now," I say to myself in an aggravated tone. "I should have just gone on the date as planned and then I would be home by now, nice and warm in bed. I wouldn't be here thinking about stupid things."
But that was just it.
It wasn't such a stupid, empty thing.
I was so used to being told every single thing in the book of words. Clean and not so clean. I've been shouted at, scolded, cried over, whatever. I've seen many types of eyes. They range from painfully confused to wrath not covered by the gods.
Yes, I know I've seen it all.
It's just you. You are not a problem. I won't make you a solution.
You just continue to push my limits. That's what you do.
/"I saw it," you told me as you leaned on the door with your eyes staring straight into mine. That's why I always saw you as my equal. You didn't treat me with respect because of my position. It was something far from that. Maybe it was an aspect I'd never wanted to acknowledge because, in between your eyes, I felt as if everything's waiting to be impatiently devoured. You seemed to instinctually know all about me. I didn't ever like that. "I don't know what you're talking about," I retorted, but deep inside, I knew I was just a little nervous. Why did you have to be so perceptive when it came to me? Was it because I made fun of you all of the time that you wanted an opportunity to get back at me? Maybe that was it. So, I was more than glad that everyone had gone home. That's the only thing that was saving me at that moment. Interrupting my thoughts, his more-than-aesthetic figure stepped forward with his vampire eyes never leaving mine. With a stern expression on his face, he went up to one side of my desk. I faced my chair towards him as he took my right hand into both of his. "What the hell are you doing, Full Metal?" "You're not taking care of your flame," He said as his eyes became subdued. "You make it sound like my flame is a separate entity itself," I commented in a bemused tone. "This is ridiculous. Why are you, of all people, concerned over this trite misconception?" Those vampire eyes lifted up and forcefully probed into mine with such a deep understanding that I almost gulped at their depth. He didn't say anything for a few seconds, but just looked at me. "It's because you treat it as if it were just a tool that it's turned out this way." He shook his head with an exasperated sigh. "Don't you understand that this is a part of yourself, Colonel?" His touch was becoming too warm. Hotter than my own flames. They were becoming too familiar also. I pulled my hand back slowly. I then snapped my fingers as proof that his concern was unjustified while masking the fact that it pricked me deep inside. I smirked in triumph. I had to show him that it meant that time meant nothing at all. "There's no problem, Full Metal. It was probably just a fluke that it didn't work that time you saw me. I don't know what you're so worried-" "Here. The problem is here." It was over my heart. I wanted to pull it away. I wanted to tear his arm away from me. And especially not this. I just stared at him blankly. I wouldn't react. He tried to reach out towards my face. When he caught himself, he made it out as if he never intended it to be that way. But as he was walking out, I called out his name. Coldly, I didn't even move my chair or my figure. I couldn't look you in the eye. Nor could I believe that I called out to you, almost betraying my desperation and confusion. "Why did you come here? Did you come here to just tell me that? I really don't understand your logic sometimes, Full Metal." You stood there. In the space between my desk and the door, you stood perfectly still with your back towards me. "Roy…" I was startled. "I am not afraid of you as you'd like me to be. I'm not like everyone else you know. I do as I please, so you don't have to understand how my mind works." Maybe… Not the answers I always predicted or anticipated, I always seemed to hold my breath whenever I was with you. "I know." That's why I- I hugged him tighter and in more despair than I'd ever faced in any situation throughout my whole life. I wasn't able to ever convey my feelings in words, but I wasn't sure if this was sufficient in itself. I didn't know why I continuously found myself so honest with him to the point that I questioned the very things I always did out of simple routine. You clenched your hands in fists, but your back pressed onto mine as you closed your eyes. "A flame can't ignite without striking that which resembles stone. But why won't you let me ever get inside of you?" You pushed away from me with your back still facing me. "You know this already, but why am I dumb enough to come here to show you such obvious things?" "I don't know," I answered as found myself saying, "I'm just used to people leaving once they know about me or I pull away. It's cleaner that way." "And I'm one of those 'other' people?" "Possibly." The moment I acknowledged you was the moment we'd never be able to take back. I wouldn't let you get away and you're still too young to be held so tightly… And you, of all people, weren't meant to be held that way. "But I don't want to be one of those other people," he told me. He laughed while turning around even though he wouldn't admit to the tears that were in his voice, but didn't come out of his eyes. Like me, you were used to locking up your tears within you. I reached out my hand towards his head. "I don't want you to be either, Edward." Now, he's the one surprised at the call of his name. We looked at one another for a while. And then, he took my hand and brought it close to his face as if he were going to kiss it. Edward turned around and took a hold of the door. I stood there with my hand in midair. I was shocked at his intimacy. "Then, I'll be your matchbox." Without looking back, he left. I stared at my open palm and didn't move from my place for a long time. The invisible residue had started to eat away at the heart I didn't I know still possessed./
You were the only one who openly does this without hesitation.
You seemed to know exactly how to pick at me subconsciously.
There was just no other explanation that would have fit logically and nicely within those questions.
If anyone heard our conversation, I would have had to make an elaborate plan for that…
I didn't pull away or it would have been too obvious that I was truly hiding something. I had to shift it towards his mispercep-
They shifted their gaze from me to our entwined dusty, white hands.
Then, he cut through the silence with his words.
It made me very uncomfortable.
Faintly, a small spark appeared over my index finger and thumb as it always had whenever I did that.
His metal hand was against my clothing.
Who else would have answered me so directly? No one else would have ever dared to do the things he did.
I refused to. I trained myself all these years to be this way and it wasn't going to be unwoven by this child.
"I'm sorry to have bothered you, Colonel."
He called me by my name?
Just maybe I wanted to hear something different for a change…
but ones that I couldn't comprehend because they took too much effort on my heart…
It was then that I found myself getting up from my desk. I couldn't believe what I was doing, but I stood in back of him. At that moment, I wrapped my arms around him.
But for me, his name came out so easily out of my lips…
He blew on it.
Somehow, his gesture had stirred the heart that I thought had crystallized into an impenetrable, cold stone.
So, if you didn't say what you did, I wouldn't be so troubled as I sit here in the car with the driver taking me to my journey towards the past.
I wouldn't be thinking of all the times when I grew up with this power and people either shunning me or wanting to use me. I wouldn't be thinking of all the people who rejected me because they were afraid of me. I wouldn't be thinking of all the people who bowed down before me after I became an authority that 'protected' the very people who had tried to stone me because of my 'gift'.
/"I saw what you did back there." A guy with glasses asked me as he patted my shoulder. Why was this weirdo following me? He caught up to me and tried to catch my shoulder once again. "I know this isn't the best suggestion, but I know a place you can go to. It's harsh, but the benefits are just as great." "I can handle tasks, but I'm not too good with planning. It's like a coach who knows what to do and how to get there, but can't do it by themselves because they don't have the 'talent'. So, they teach it instead." He stepped away from me and saluted me. He didn't even know my name, but he wanted to be my slave. I never comprehended his preference for anything. There were even fewer of those who followed you so devotedly./
"What do you want?" I sharply asked as I held onto my coat while waiting to cross the street and pulling away my shoulder from him.
"You didn't tell them you saved the girl." He kept up with me while lighting up a cigarette. "They just made their own assumptions about everything. I watched the whole thing, you know."
"So what?" I walked on without waiting for an answer.
In an irritated tone, I rejected his offer firmly. "I'm not interested."
"You'll have the power to research how to enhance your ability. You'll be able to control your flame."
I impatiently grabbed his arm and squeezed it. "Why are you telling me all this?"
He laughed as he took my chin in between his fingers while smiling widely. "I like your eyes. You'll go far."
"You could pick anyone for your ridiculous demands-" I took my hand away, but he still held my chin while saying, "Not everyone can handle responsibility and look far ahead."
"Can't you do this dream of yours by yourself? It has nothing to do with me. You're wasting my time."
I finally was going to walk off.
He could tell I was ready to explode at the next antic he would pull. His face became a tad serious.
"Why are you bothering me?!"
He took his hand off my chin, but took a hold of my hand and shook it. "My name is Hughes. And I have decided to follow you until you give in."
Not even back then, but who could ignore such a man?
But you were different, Edward…
For some reason, I knew I could keep you. As my heart let you in without me knowing…
I wanted to keep you, but I didn't know if you'd ever agree to such a thing.
I put my head against the window and I begin to drift off.
I finally fall asleep.
When I wake up, I feel as if a long passage of time has passed. I opened my eyes along the way, but then I fell back to sleep again.
I got food and ate. Then, I fell asleep.
A whole day passed in this fashion. More follow.
I finally reach my destination:
It is the middle of nowhere. It is part of the desert that I helped bury with my sullied hands.
I come here once a year to pray for forgiveness from everyone I ever crossed. Though I know my life isn't enough, I foolishly ask as if it is.
This isn't equivalent trade.
No matter how much I'll torture myself or help people within my position, it won't ever equate.
Blood and soul don't make up a person.
Nor do they compare or equal to what it means to be human.
"I've come to take you home, Colonel."
In my mirage, while the heat pervades into the rationality of my senses, I open my eyes and turn around to the gentle voice that calls me.
When I look at him, I see the trail of steps all the way from the town with the same name, but has no semblance of its righteous, yet humbling past.
As if reading the question in my face, he replies, "Someone dropped me off and I followed the directions that your precious two gave me."
He smirks at me while rubbing his nose.
"Aren't you supposed to be looking for the Philosopher's Stone as I had ordered? Where's Al?"
"I was told to bring you home, so I told Al I'd be back for him once I got you. Why can't you ever take care of yourself?"
He goes next to me and kneels.
"Don't."
It is too late. He is praying with me.
For the first time ever, I'm allowing someone to share this with me…
When he gets up, we head to the car and head back to Central City.
There is nothing but silence.
After thinking about him on the way here, I am not ready to face a situation in unknown territory.
When we get back to Central City, it is night time. There are hardly any people out.
We get off in front of headquarters.
"There. I've done what I've been told to do." He scratches his head while I blink at him.
As he's about to leave, I pull his hand and yank him to stop walking away from me. "Since when do you listen to orders so readily?"
"Between retorting back and an angry woman, I'd rather still be alive and nod."
"Why can't you be that way with me?"
"Then, I'd be spoiling you more than I already do. You ask a lot of me already, Colonel."
I let go of his hand and pat his head. My hand lingers there as he looks up at me.
"Are you making fun of my height again?"
I shake my head and give him a contemplative look.
I never ask for anything that has to do with my feelings. I usually shut up the voice that tells me to act like myself, more human. I always turn away from anything that makes me engage my feelings more than I want to, but with him, I want to…
"Be my matchbox, Edward."
In the cold air, I want to pull him towards me, but I'm still holding back.
Without thinking twice, you nod your head. You smile while averting your eyes from mine. "Yes."
"Do you truly and fully understand what this means?" I seriously stare into your eyes.
Defiantly, your golden eyes look straight into mine. "Don't treat me like a child. I'm too far from that now, after all this."
"It's because you understand that I've always pushed you away. I'm going to burn you if you keep on coming close to me."
You turn around and face me. "I won't ever be afraid of you. So don't use that excuse with me…"
Unpredictable as you always are, you jump to pull my collar.
You actually kiss me…
…and I'm drowning in all my thoughts and the temperature rising from your touch.
I've always been afraid of my power.
I've seen it kill people. I've seen it save people too.
It's murdered me countless times and it's preserved my life in other situations.
It was as if that Roy and this one were totally different. They only came together when I had to do 'a mission'.
But looking into those eyes, now I know why I've always been so captivated. Though I want to turn away, I can't. As hurtful as it is, you're putting me 'together'.
I am 'myself' with you.
The self I wished not to acknowledge for a long time.
In your eyes, you won't let me die no matter how many times I've found myself wanting to just give it all up.
I snap my finger again.
The flame is now burning brighter than I've ever seen it.
It pales in comparison to how it was before, especially to how it was when you saw it secretly dying out.
Now, it is stronger than ever.
"And it's all your fault," I tease with an arrogant air about me.
You roll your eyes. "Everything's my fault in your eyes."
I hold it to your face as you blow it out with your breath.
That night, I kiss your lips while you fall asleep naked on my bed while holding the covers.
Unconsciously, you kiss me back, rubbing your lips against mine.
I whisper into your ear, "You might regret being my matchbox."
"I wouldn't have left home and followed you if I did," you retort back in your sleep.
I push your bangs away from your face and smirk.
Snap. Flicker, flicker.
I hold it in front your face as I see the shadows between us.
I blow it out and close my eyes while holding you.
In an isolated time and place, the evidence of an entity's purpose and existence lingers, just like the remembrance within the memory of the warmth of a human body against another.
Things fade with time, but they evolve into something different. They will always be there, just in an altered form. Nonetheless, the essence remains the same.
Until there is nothing to strike the feelings of the human heart,
it won't ever turn cold.
Or ever be forgotten.
Owari.
-
Author's note: This is intended to only be a short reflective piece because of this spark that went through my head. To tell the truth, I am never sure if I characterize Roy correctly. I always try to make him witty, yet vulnerable or a jerk on the outside, but a softie on the inside. ^_^
This was a hard fic to make, but I hope you enjoyed it!
Love,
Yui
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
4:26 AM