fandom - Gravitation
title - not so sweet, not so tender.
rating - pg-13
pairing - tohma x suguru
Description – Tohma and Suguru are discussing contracts that may never be broken.
Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine.
Not so sweet, not so tender.
By miyamoto yui
Maybe this was what punishment was really like.
It held no bars, but the self-constraints inside of a person's mind. Morality had no choice but to be a bystander on the sidewalk while watching a freak accident that looked as natural as a student learning '1, 2, 3'.
When the student encumbered the master, was it wise to chuckle darkly or was it better to murder an obstacle in your way?
The blond smirked, almost amused. The situation was more than enticing and his blood was making him more responsive to the stimulus than he'd liked to acknowledge.
He was sitting in his desk chair, which was turned towards the left set of windows. With his fingers in an 'L' shape, he leaned his chin on his right hand to cover his smirk a little bit. His legs were crossed while drumming his left fingers onto the black leather chair.
There was his masterpiece: The tall, dark-haired boy was standing against the office window with his palms out, pressing onto the window with his profile staring at him.
His head was pointed slightly downwards and his thin, pink lips looked as if they were painted in a perfectly straight line. His left dress shoe was pushing against the window like an impatient child.
The contrast within the twenty-year old's body language and his facial expressions were a paradox that the blond had always found very entertaining about the boy. But it was very dangerous now to say what the seemingly taciturn face before him could do in a quiet, surprise attack.
He had taught him too well.
It was exhilarating, to say the least.
"When the lights are off, the city looks very pretty from up here," the baby-faced boy commented while regarding the numerous little white spots wherever he looked. "I always wondered why you chose to make this company from this spot, but now, it makes sense. Then again, you're not one to focus on aesthetic pleasures unless they're to your advantage, Cousin."
"Why would a person position themselves to be vulnerable? That's idiotic, Suguru-kun." The blond was teasing him by saying his name with an emphasis on the '-kun' part for that extra touch of degradation. It was his specialty obviously.
Twisting words was a trait they'd both inherited, embedded into their genes. It was part of their ability to survive in their constrained world of names, proper etiquette, and face saving gifts to ensure their power in the world.
But for the older cousin, what more could he offer, but the best for his beloved, shall we say, pet?
"The appearance of being weak to gain sympathy and actually being in a lowered position are two totally different things." Suguru pressed his forehead onto the cold glass with his palms sticking onto the icy surface which paralled the feeling of his blood. He closed his eyes. "Not that you've ever experience having been bested, right, Tohma-san?"
Suguru laughed bitterly.
"Oh, I've lost things before, but I just don't let anyone know how much damage it's done to me." Tohma looked at the ground for a moment with a contemplative smile that captured the younger boy's attention mysteriously, but the look was gone in the blink of an eye filled with disbelief.
However, Tohma's bangs were over his eyes now as he lowered his head just a little bit.
"You won't even take me seriously as we're negotiating," Suguru sighed as he pushed himself away from the window so that there was a two foot distance between the glass and his body.
But it wasn't as if they both didn't feel numb from the core.
"You have the lights off and you're watching my every move as if you care what the hell I do." He shook his head while still looking straight out the window. "But I know you don't because you're good at making up illusions."
"Mermaid tears won't get you anywhere, and guilt is a weak offensive attack, my dear Suguru." Tohma folded his hands onto his lap.
And he looked up with that horrible, blank smile plastered onto his invisible Noh mask.
"There's nothing to discuss now." Suguru walked up to the desk and slammed his palm onto the smooth desk before him with a bang. His vicious eyes shot darts directly into Tohma's. "Unlike you, I play fair. That is the difference between you and me. I may not be as ruthless as you or what the family wants me to be, but I don't fight cowardly."
"Depends on what the rules are." Tohma grabbed his wrist in a vice grip. "And how you use them."
"Damn it!" Suguru pulled away and Tohma let go even though his displeasure was apparent while eyeing his cousin's body.
Suguru's eyes were focused on the light scratch on the immaculate, black table. "I'm not renewing my contract."
Then, he lifted his head with the pride eating away his blood. Calmly, yet sharply, he finalized, "And that is truly final."
Turning around, he walked away with all the courage that he could muster up. He knew the name of the game, but being manipulative just wasn't one of his finer traits. It was his worst and the one that his family was ashamed of him for.
But most of all, he was afraid of what his courage would cost him.
What the hell was Tohma fighting for and with all of his strength to keep him? It seemed so ridiculous in his eyes. Hadn't he always patronized him even though he showered him with compliments in front of other people's eyes?
/Tohma took up his collar in one hand and was about to punch him as they were doing his lessons. Only Suguru could evoke such reactions from him.
"Doing half-assed work won't get you anywhere."
"I am trying my very best. Some of us aren't geniuses." A twelve-year-old Suguru tried to hold back the tears that wanted to fall at the sides of his eyes. "I have to work twice as hard to be at the level you think I should be!"
"In life, there are hardships with countless expectations. You may call me a genius, but for every song I help arrange for Nittle Grasper, I've had to spend countless nights to tone it down to absolute perfection or else Ryuichi won't sing it." The blond breathed heavily while waiting for his apprentice's reaction. "Sometimes, I wish I was ordinary."
At that moment, Suguru's anger dissipated and he touched the top of Tohma's head.
They said nothing, but looked at one another for a while with the sound of each other's breathing filling both of their ears./
He never knew. Even when Tohma's fingers were over his while teaching him to use the synthesizer, it was painful to watch because he never knew what he was thinking. And even though he wanted to go beyond him, that wall was never passed.
And now, he wasn't only trying to run away from it, but trying to save himself in the process. He wanted to become more for himself and no one else.
But…Tohma wouldn't allow that.
He wouldn't let him get away.
Suguru was going down the elevator and into the garage. When he got into his car, he immediately roared off, but he saw Tohma's white car right behind him. Shamelessly, Tohma wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was tailing him.
Suguru tried his best to get away, but with every turn, the headlights behind him were always there. They drove out until they reached some abandoned beach.
Today, it seemed, they didn't want to make it so simple.
It was pointless, but Suguru got out of his car and ran towards the coast. The resolve he had built all these years broke into itty-bitty pieces as he felt like he was truly losing his mind. Right here, and right now.
He tripped and knelt on the ground with his fingers burying themselves into the wet sand. The water touched his hands playfully, but didn't reach his knees. At long last, he finally broke down and wept piteously, though as silently as he could with the sand pinching into his fingernails.
"What do you want from me? Why won't you let me go?" He lowered his head and the waves barely touched his bangs.
"I wonder why also," he mumbled quietly, yet clearly. Tohma stepped closer and closer towards him. As he was reaching out to run his fingers through his cousin's soft hair, he stopped as Suguru sobbed, "Do you really have that much fun making fun of me?"
He pulled his hand away and he laughed as a lump hardened around his heart.
"Your challenges always make my life interesting. I always look forward to them."
"God, I hate you," Suguru finally said as if he were spitting onto his former mentor's face. He got up angrily as he quivered, seeing nothing but red.
"Just the way I like you," Tohma commented while licking his lips.
At that moment, he pulled Suguru's blue sleeve, ripping it away to get a hold of his arm. Then, he carried him as Suguru pushed him and shouted at the top of his lungs.
It was no use as he was pushed onto the hood of Tohma's car.
While holding both of his wrists against the slightly warm hood, Tohma's legs tangled with Suguru's as Suguru looked up in horror, despite his reddened cheeks. He was really losing himself in the feel of Tohma's body on his while Tohma pulled on his tie to loosen it.
"If you do anything, be assured that I'll tell Mika-san!"
"Like hell you really would." The blond nuzzled against the dark-haired ones neck and the latter shivered from the hot touch. "That's such a boring excuse."
At a loss, Suguru panicked. He shouted, "Why would you do this to me and not anyone else?!"
"You truly have to ask?" He bit his ear while pinning Suguru's wrists even firmer onto the hood. His other hand wandered under his dress shirt. "Haven't I told you over and over? Through the lessons, through the contract with Bad Luck, through everything? Oh, Suguru-kun. Why state the obvious?"
"This isn't lo-mmph. Mmm…"
But Tohma already stopped his speech by kissing his lips. Suguru turned to one side as Tohma's hand started to pull onto his slacks and dug his fingers until he found the skin he sought after underneath all the unnecessary clothing. But that's what made Suguru so fun.
"You shouldn't state the obvious to me like that. Even I won't be able to take it," Tohma thought to himself. This was his one ingrained, fatal flaw.
And he never ever wanted to be faced with it. To hear it would make him fall apart and he'd never be able to ever fully recover.
"This is one-sided from both of our parts," Suguru panted as he lifted up his chin. "St-stop!"
Even…even Tohma hadn't gone this far…or so he tried to recall.
The brushing of his lips on his ears with soft whispers, putting his hand up his shirt while they were having public gatherings, the secret kisses in the bathrooms of various hotels around the world…
But Tohma never violated him.
This wasn't true…not at all…
Somewhere along the way, they'd lost the image they had of each other, hadn't they?
"Have you snapped?!" Suguru shouted while digging his nails onto his palms from the pain. "AH~!"
Tears were coming from his eyes and Tohma licked them away. Then, for a moment, he pulled away from Suguru's face even though he was still pinning him down on the car.
His eyes became saddened and small.
He let one hand go.
Even though Suguru knew he should have punched him, he covered his face with his arm. He wasn't crying, but was mortified at always wanting to be touched by Tohma like this. Wasn't he the one he always thought of whenever he was alone to collect his fragmented thoughts?
Tohma smiled despondently. It was done.
He was glad that Suguru blocked their eyes and that he couldn't see him at that very moment.
He thought to himself, "You really hate me, do you? I've done my best for you to hate me, haven't I? You are my best piece of art: The opposite of me.
And you should be free to do as you please.
But whenever I think of that, I get so angry and frustrated. I get honestly jealous of just thinking of other people touching you.
I'll never accept it."
From this, Suguru finally understood with his body what Tohma's words could never say. He took his arm away as Tohma looked down at him and ran his hand through his hair until it cupped one of his flushed cheeks.
It wasn't an "I'm sorry". Secretively, he was proud.
What…had he done...?
And to the only person who flustered him with an innocent kiss of thanks many years ago after his first recital?
The boy pushed him away with all the strength he had. They both got up and looked at one another.
They always did that.
Words were always so useless between them.
Tohma, as always though, picked his words carefully. Even though he was trying to refer to the contract, it was altogether futile. "I just can't let go of you. I hate to lose, Suguru. You know that."
"But this is my one strength over you, Tohma-san." Suguru zipped up his pants and dusted himself off. Nonchalantly, he smirked. "Weren't you the one who taught me to hit cleanly at the most efficient weakness?"
He had a power that surpassed his cousin's…
…using his cousin's weakness against him, even if it was the same card that could kill him too.
Tohma's stomach was twisting inside of him. He began to chuckle to himself. He had cornered himself all these years and now they were catching up to eat him alive.
Suguru gently took a hold of Tohma's cheeks and leaned up to kiss him. His hands pulled on his collar as their kiss became deeper with his tongue. When he pulled his head away and let go with Tohma wanting more, Suguru wiped the saliva from both of their mouths with the unripped sleeve.
"You can't always get what you want, Tohma."
And he turned around to leave. Tohma looked towards the sea and said loudly, "You won't ever get away from me."
Suguru sincerely smiled and stopped to say,
"That's all right. I'll keep on running away because this is the way we make love, Tohma.
You'll always want something you can't get by any means possible.
And I'll always hold something that I can't give no matter what.
That is just the type of people we are.
Getting bored with the world, we made our own game.
A game we'll never win.
Since the world won't catch us, we punish ourselves instead."
As Suguru drove on the road, he thought of what he had answered Tohma when he asked him what kind person he wanted to fall in love with someday. At so young an age, he looked straight at Tohma with a gleam in his, then innocent, eyes.
"It'll be too tiresome if it's not challenging. I don't want anything easy." Then, he tilted his head. He didn't understand the words he sang back then, but they touched him in some sadistic, yet loving way.
So, he grinned as he mimicked the same words he overheard Tohma say to Ryuichi while they were making a song together:
"Not so sweet, not so tender.
I want a rough, jagged love
that tears my body apart
until I can't live
without cutting myself
voluntarily."
Owari.
-
Author's note: And so, while trying to think of something to write about (since I'm heading towards a writer's block, but protesting with all my might), I came out with something strange. I know that it may seem strange, but I really wanted something different and exciting.
I wanted something different from my usual in some small, obscure way. (Or so is my goal for the fics this summer. Now you can imagine why I'm having a hard time thinking of things to write about.)
So, this was the result. Experimenting is always fun, even while torturing my third favorite pairing in Gravi. I'm quite disturbed that I wrote something like this though, but it was really interesting to do a piece that wasn't so clean and tender.
Love,
Yui
Thursday, June 16, 2005
03:08:54