AN: Because everybody needs some H/C fanfics about dealing with depression and trauma. Hooray! Also, a few references to the Jedi Apprentice book series, so if you're ever like "What the fuck when did that happen" it was probably in the books don't worry about it. Also offhand mention of Feemor Gard, who, in the slightly more obscure EU, was Qui-Gon's first apprentice, and the two didn't really talk much after the whole Xanatos thing, and the dude was extremely boring. Still. Worth a mention.
Enjoy!
Day 1
He woke up slowly, his thoughts moving sluggishly. His limbs felt like they were weighed down with lead, and his mouth tasted awful.
It took a while for him to open his eyes, but when he did, he realised that he was in what appeared to be a hospital room. A quick flex of his arms showed that he wasn't restrained, which was always good, and he was hooked up to an IV. Slightly less good, but normal.
A bit more shifting revealed thick bandages wrapped around his side, the padding especially thick against his right side. Also okay. There was no pain, and that combined with a fuzzy force connection made it clear that he was on a great deal of painkillers. The strong kind probably, considering it felt like he had gone through a surgery.
There was a lightsaber on the bedside table, but his eyes wouldn't focus enough to make out details. Probably his.
There was what appeared to be a call button beside him, and it appeared that he was in a friendly medical center. Which was good.
It probably said something that upon waking up in a hospital bed, his first reaction was to find out if he was a prisoner.
But he probably wasn't, so Obi-Wan hit the call button.
A nurse showed up quickly, a young man, human, or human passing.
"Master Jedi! You're awake, that's good. How are you feeling? If you're a little loopy, that's alright, you've got some impressive painkillers in you right now."
"Mph. Yeah, a bit. What happened?"
"You broke three ribs rather badly on the right side. And shock is a hell of a drug, so our guess is you just… didn't notice. And then aggravated the injuries to the point that one of the ribs punctured a lung. Then you somehow kept going for a while, before passing out once you got to medical assistance. Remind me not to mess with Jedi, you people have some balls."
"...Where's my master? Is he alright?" Obi-wan asked, tongue feeling less than cooperative for some reason.
There was a long, awkward pause. Through the haze of drugs, Obi-Wan felt a spine of anxiety.
"Uh… I… There's really no good way to say this… Master Jinn… did not survive the battle. You aggravated your ribs carrying his body back, remember?"
The lightsaber on the bedside table wasn't Obi-Wans. His lightsaber was gone, down the reactor shaft.
"Oh. Yeah." He said numbly, the memory of the battle hitting him like a punch in the gut.
"I'll be back to change your bandages in about an hour, alright? And I've been told to inform you the Jedi Council will arrive tomorrow morning."
And with that, the nurse quickly left, likely off to tend to more seriously wounded patients.
Alone, Obi-Wan turned his head on the pillow, and quietly cried.
Day 2
Apparently Obi-Wan's nurse was full of shit, and it wasn't the entire council coming out to Naboo, it was just Yoda and Mace. Which was good, because he'd gotten his dose of painkillers cut back a bit, so his force signature felt like a fucking hurricane, and it was hard enough to keep that fact under wraps in face of just Yoda and Mace.
At least they were both sympathetic. And clearly both were privately grieving.
Also, the council was debating Obi-Wan's future, but really who gives a shit.
They visit him twice, in the morning as an official visit to hear the full story, and in the afternoon to see how he's doing. He mostly sleeps between visits.
In the evening, he's woken up by the handmaidens that went to Couruscant with them (the real ones; no Padme), who have finally gotten enough free time to visit. It's nice, but Obi-Wan passes out again halfway through, and when he wakes up again, it's 2 AM and they are, understandably, gone.
He makes a note to get the painkiller dose lowered again, and goes back to sleep.
Day 3
On the third day after Qui-Gon's death, Obi-Wan is knighted.
Yoda does it, and politely doesn't say anything when Obi-Wan breaks down crying as the braid is cut.
He spends the rest of the day in a healing trance. His concentration is shot to hell, so it doesn't do as much as he hoped, but the stitches might come out a day sooner now. Maybe.
Day 4
On the fourth day, Padme slips in at four in the morning. Which is convenient, as he was awake anyways from nightmares of the battle. Something tells him this will be a running theme for a while.
They talk about Qui-Gon for a bit, and Naboo. They both tear up a bit.
Before she leaves, Padme offhandedly mentions that Anakin's been asking about him.
Fuck. Anakin. Right.
Fuck.
He tells her to tell Anakin to go ahead and visit today.
Anakin comes by in time for lunch. The poor kid almost flings himself on Obi-Wan, who reflexively stops him with the Force, before explaining that he's injured, and accepting a more low impact hug. Anakin is understandably worried about his future. Obi-Wan consoles him by giving him his jello. Which is the best part of the hospital meal, but honestly, surgery always destroys Obi-Wan's appetite, so whatever.
Anakin's a pretty good kid now that Obi-Wan doesn't have him mentally listed as The Fucking Replacement. And he's obviously worried about what's going to happen to him, so before he can think about it, Obi-Wan promises to train him. This is definitely the best idea.
"This is a fucking awful idea." He mumbles to himself that night. Or more specifically, mumbles at Qui-Gon's lightsaber. If anyone asks, it's the painkillers. He definitely doesn't cry. That would be ridiculous. Shut up.
Day 5
The fifth day is Qui-Gon's funeral.
He lights the pyre and stands perfectly straight and still at the head of it, pretending to be someone who definitely isn't wearing pants for the first time that week, and whose ribs aren't screaming in agony. Anakin doesn't notice anything, so it seems to be a success. Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin are the only ones that are part of Qui-Gon's linage that can attend. Dooku is back at the temple, and has not been informed of his former padawans death yet. Feemor Gard is out on a mission, and has not been informed of his former master's death yet. Xanatos is rotting in hell and hasn't been informed of anything. Obviously. Rest in fucking pieces.
After the funeral, Obi-Wan quietly makes his way back to the healers ward. His legs give out halfway there, and yeah, probably should have expected that. Before he can completely collapse, someone's holding him up, and a hand is rubbing soothingly on his back as he tries to breath through the broken ribs and injured lung. It sucks.
"You idiot, do you think Qui-Gon would want you to do that?" Mace Windu scolds, although the edge to his voice is more worried than angry. Obi-Wan can't talk, so he raises his middle finger and hopes the message gets through.
Apparently Mace is a dick, as he immediately smacks Obi-Wan around the head.
"Fucks sake man, I'm injured." He manages to rasp, through the whole pain thing.
"And whose fault is that?"
"Darth Maul. Fucker."
"Language."
"Fuck you."
That earns him another hit. Worth it.
Once his breathing evens out again, Mace half-carries him back to the healers, a lively debate on what justifies swearing keeping them busy on the walk. Mace's opinion is that Obi-Wan should watch his damn mouth around a council member. Obi-Wans opinion is that he can say what he fucking well wants to, and that Qui-Gon gave up any attempts at censoring him by his fourteenth birthday. For some reason, when a twelve year old is thrown onto a slave mining platform, he learns an impressive array of swears very quickly, and he has fucking well earned the right to use them.
After he's dumped with a nurse, who checks his injuries and immediately launches into the lecture of the goddamn century about how standing completely still and straight for four hours is fucking stupid when your ribs are broken. Obi-Wan tunes it out because he's not going to do it again so the lecture is kind of pointless. But honestly, whatever.
Day 6
He spends the sixth day sleeping. In hazy moments of awareness, he realises he's probably been given a sedative, to keep him from messing up his ribs again. It makes sense, so he doesn't bother complaining. Also, it's nice to not have to deal with his life for a while, so whatever. He's pretty sure Anakin comes in for a bit and talks at him, but it's sweet so he doesn't complain.
Day 7
The seventh day is the celebration of peace, and the official alliance of the Gungans and the Naboo. Obi-Wan makes himself look somewhat alive, and apparently it's good enough because no officials shoot him looks. He claims injuries, and skips the ball afterwards. Anakin claims exhaustion and goes with him.
Mace and Yoda pull them aside, wanting to have a talk with Obi-Wan. One argument later, and a few very thinly veiled threats, and Obi-Wan has Anakin officially as his apprentice.
Qui-Gon always said he had the ability to be fucking terrifying if he wanted to be.
Day 8
On the eighth day, they go back to Couruscant. Anakin is almost glued to his side, and Obi-Wan is surprisingly okay with that. He'd woken up to a message from Garen saying that he'd set Obi-Wan's apartment up for him and a padawan. Which is good, because the thought of getting home and clearing out Qui-Gon's stuff and moving his own stuff to give the padawan bedroom to Anakin is enough to make him realize it would be impossible for him to do.
Reeft sends him a message saying that he should be at the temple around dinner, and he'll have two meals in the fridge for him and Anakin. Bant messages saying that she's heard he's injured, and if he doesn't come to her for a checkup she's going to kick his ass. Quinlan sends a message informing him he's left the strongest alcohol he could find underneath Obi-Wan's new bed, and to hit him up if he needs to blow off steam.
Obi-Wan loves his friends. So much.
True to word, when they get into the temple, there's dinner on the table, a cheerful/threatening note on the fridge for Obi-Wan to get a checkup, the rooms are both set up, and there's alcohol stashed under Obi-Wan's new bed. He has the most wonderful friends.
The alcohol is just booze bottles that were emptied and filled with fruit juice. Fuck you Quinlan.
He sends Quinlan a message informing him that. The response is daring him to come down and do it. Fucker. He has the worst friends.
Despite that, he still goes to sleep with a small grin.
Day 9
On the ninth day, he's woken up by a spike of fear through the Force, and spends a long moment lying in bed, deeply confused, as it wasn't him that made it. It is 1 AM and he is not meant to function at this hour.
The silent question is answered by a hesitant Anakin pushing open his door, and informing Obi-Wan that he had a bad dream, can he sleep here tonight?
Obi-Wan is too tired to form coherent sentences, so he settles for rolling over, and pulling back the blankets beside him. Anakin gets the invitation, and surprises Obi-Wan by immediately going for a cuddle. But hey, apparently he's the only parental figure in this poor kid's life now. What kind of person would he be if he didn't return it?
It's fairly easy to fall asleep again.
In the real morning, he detaches the sleeping Padawan barnacle from his side, crawls out of bed, and makes breakfast. He is the best master. After him and Anakin have eaten, they head down to the medcenter. Checkups for both of them. Anakin gets his slave chip removed, and gets a ridiculous amount of vaccines scheduled, along with multiple vitamins he needs to take with meals, and a diet plan to fix his malnutrition, and orders to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day for his dehydration. Obi-Wan's ribs are checked, and he is threatened into keeping Anakin healthy. By the time they get away, it's around one in the afternoon, and he's got a list of food Anakin should be eating, so they go grocery shopping. Anakin rides in the cart, and is clearly amazed by literally everything. Obi-Wan gets a bit more unhealthy food than is strictly Jedi-like, but he has strict orders to get plenty of calories into Anakin, so hey. Why not. After that, they swing by a clothing store, and get a few street clothes and pajamas for Anakin, as nobody wants to wear nothing but the Jedi uniform all damn day.
It's a pretty productive day, and Obi-Wan's already cooked once, so he's probably met his adult quota for the day. He just gets take out for dinner. He's so good at this responsibility thing.
Despite the long day, when he goes to bed, Obi-Wan can't sleep.
Fuck.
He would hit the training salles and blow off steam, but that would undeniably end in stitches tearing, followed by Bant tearing his head off. He'd go over to Quinlan's and blow off steam, but he's still on the metaphorical couch for the fake booze thing. Also, he'd probably tear some stitches, and then Bant would kill them both for not keeping it in their pants. He could go out for a run. He could try to meditate on the balcony. He could throw himself off the balcony. He could stop having intrusive thoughts.
Really, there were a lot of options that Obi-Wan could do. But those involved getting out of bed, and despite his inability to sleep, he also just couldn't muster up enough fucks to get up and do anything about it. So. Lying in bed. Staring at the ceiling.
Day 10
Come morning on the tenth day, he's still just staring at the ceiling. He hasn't slept a wink. He hasn't done anything. He hasn't even meditated. Obi-Wan is officially a piece of shit.
He probably would have stayed like that all day, but there was a knock on his door, causing him to look over, the first movement he's been able to muster in hours.
"Obi-Wan? Um, according to the diet plan the healer gave me, I have to have breakfast, and I dunno how to cook anything I'm supposed to be eating. Help?"
Obi-Wan would like to stay in bed all day. He'd like to let himself waste away to absolutely nothing because honestly, he is so entirely done it's not even funny.
But he promised Qui-Gon he'd train Anakin.
He promised Anakin that he'd train Anakin.
The kid needs him. There is nobody else.
So Obi-Wan rolls out of bed, fakes a convincing smile, and opens his bedroom door.
"Sure Ani. What do you want for breakfast?"
He can do it for him.
AN: *Do It For Him plays in the background*
Okay so my headcanon is that for the first year or two after Qui-Gon's death, Obi-Wan was deeply depressed, and mostly kept himself going for the sake of Anakin. Because when your father figure is violently murdered in front of you, and you're suddenly saddled with raising a nine year old you didn't really want in the first place while barely an adult yourself, you're gonna be a little messed up at first. And I also believe that Obi-Wan would have hidden his issues from Anakin, especially that early on, because he's a self-sacrificing idiot, and it's exactly the kind of thing he'd do. And he doesn't really seem the type to easily ask for help, even though he's got a decent support network, in the form of three best friends and one friend with benefits.
I will also hold the eternal headcanon that Obi-Wan and Quinlan Vos are fucking. At least in their late padawan/early knight years. Fight me.
Anyways so this is probably staying a one shot, unless I get a good idea for more. Don't hold your breath. Anyways just felt like banging out some H/C because everything else I've got in the works is so much angst. I love death and dying.
On a completely related note, I've been chatting with another author, who linked me to one of their blogs. That blog (which I totally read all of) had a very well researched post of brainwashing that they'd put up for reference. Did you know brainwashing's actually a real thing? No joke, the soviets admitted to doing it to a lot of their prisoners. Anyways, so I now know the exact details of how a proper brainwashing works, and let me tell you I am just itching to use that information. In a fic. I'm not doing it in real life. That would be weird.
Anyways so keep your eyes peeled for some hardcore angst soon. Like, M rating hardcore. Not sure what fandom, but I'm leaning towards Star Wars.
Leave reviews if you wish to fuel this trash monster.