Something deeper than guilt

by Yui Miyamoto

The closer Ayame and Yuki become, the further apart they push each other away. (Note: Ayame and Yuki pairing)

fandom - Fruits Basket
title - Something deeper than guilt.
rating - PG
pairing - Ayame + Yuki
description – The closer Ayame and Yuki become, the further apart they push each other away. (Note: Ayame and Yuki pairing)

Disclaimer – Fruits Basket isn't mine, but I made up the 'story' at the end.

Something deeper than guilt.
By miyamoto yui

With concerned, puppy-dog eyes, she pleaded, "But you promised, Sohma-kun. You said you'd do exactly as I wanted just this one time."

She pouted at him and he sighed. "Okay, okay, okay."
Then, she was smiling again as she made her way to the telephone to organize the rest of the event.

Yuki was at a loss.

It was their last year of high school and Tohru volunteered to become the festival committee head for their class when she suggested they'd make their classroom a teahouse. That would have been fine and all, but she asked Yuki to be one of the servers. He said he'd do it because she could never refuse her requests. As a result, she even hugged him out of gratefulness and Kyo was both irritated at the results. But he laughed inwardly at Yuki for giving in so quickly.
Well, that shortly ended when he was also asked in the same manner. Yuki raised his eyebrow as Tohru hugged him too and they all sat down to have dinner. (After they changed back, of course.)

But now, days later, Yuki's feeling of nervous apprehension finally eclipsed.

"I'M HERE~!" someone shouted from the front door with a singsong voice.
The door was closed loudly as Yuki continued to do his homework on the table with Tohru still talking on the phone and the orange-haired boy was reading a textbook. The novelist was off in his room doing whatever he did. (^^;;;)

"Kyon-"
"Stop calling me that!" Kyo angrily interrupted while holding the textbook in his hand, already frustrated at not understanding anything about its contents. Even Yuki's notes didn't help. (Of course, Tohru borrowed them and gave them to Kyo so that they'd study them together since Yuki already taught both of them.)
Yuki sighed and continued to write his notes earnestly. "Oh," he simply greeted with a slight nod of his head.

That was a good start. Even if he was still unnerved by his brother, he acknowledged him. That was definitely a good adjustment!

The long-haired man tried not to show how overly happy he was, but that failed. He immediately sat by Yuki. "Oh, my little brother~! Your hair has grown!"
Without thinking twice (when does Ayame ever do?), took the end of Yuki's medium length hair and felt the ends with his fingers. He smiled, but before he could comment, Yuki already shivered with irritation at his brother while thinking if he'd ever feel at ease with him.

"Stop doing that!" he shouted while pulling himself away.
He was especially sensitive to anyone touching his hair, but the only one who could comb it was Tohru. If he let her.

"He's starting to look like you, isn't he?" the handsome owner of the house said with a sly smile while walking into the room with a newspaper. He had his glasses on and adjusted them to read one last line.
When he took off his glasses, his childhood friend and cousin got up and said, "You don't need me anymore if you have someone that looks like me. Maybe that's why you let him live here. I'm hurt, 'Gure-san."

Shigure put his hand to his mouth and then smirked. No one knew what was going through his head as he leaned forward and said, "No, I would never cheat on you, Aya~."

Then, they both laughed and gave each other a thumbs up.

Tohru came into the room and looked at the two grown men grinning at one another playfully. She blinked her eyes as Kyo tried to hide behind his book.

But Yuki was boiling in anger. "DON'T INCLUDE ME IN YOUR JOKES!"

"Who's joking?" His brother said with a mysterious look while turning around to face him. He pushed his hair over his ear as he did so.
Then, he laughed and patted Yuki's head. "You're so uptight. Ah, well. You'll loosen up a little when we're done. I hope?"

"We?" Yuki's eyes shot a dark glance at his brother.

"I asked Ayame-san to make your costume for the festival." Tohru closed her eyes and then bowed. Then, she took a hold of his hands. "You said you would dress up in anything I wanted because you lost that bet in that card game we all played right?"
Kyo patted his knee as he scowled. "I don't know what's worse, me being asked to dress up and the committee making my costume or your situation."

Then, he shook his head. "Heh."
He went back to reading the textbook with even more question marks in his eyes.

Yuki swatted his head. "Give me back my notes, stupid cat."
"Ow!" Kyo rubbed his head and pouted, and Yuki didn't ask any more about the notes.
It would have been too cruel to do so.

Yuki sighed. "I know I said so."
Tohru's eyes begged him as she held his hands again. She used her last card. "Please…Yuki-kun~?"

*/*/*/*

"I'm only doing this because I promised her!" Yuki said as he entered Ayame's shop at 10 pm that Saturday evening.

"That's fine, Yuki. As long as you came," his older brother replied while closing the door behind him.
Caught off-guard by the low-key reply, Yuki's moodiness went down just a little bit. He looked from side to side and asked, "Isn't your assistant here?"
"I'm closing the shop for two days to finish your costume." Ayame answered seriously. "So I told her to take a few days off."
"Why would you do that?"
"It's a happy occasion for you to come here. And I want nothing but full credit for doing your costume."

At the moment that Yuki was going to comment that maybe his brother was a little considerate, Ayame bellowed, "And then you'll be living advertisement for my shop! I'm trying to expand, you know."
Yuki's lips were sealed.

There was a little room at the back that they'd live in for the next few days. Ayame told Yuki to put his bag anywhere. And despite his brother's outlandish comments and with a mind he could never comprehend, the room was surprisingly neat and tidy. He put his bag on the pullout futon couch.
"Do you want anything to drink?" Ayame asked while Yuki was still observing the room like a little kid. His eyes landed on a small photograph of himself sitting on a wooden desk.
Ayame's eyes followed his eyes and almost cursed himself for forgetting to put the photo away. Trying to distract him, he started to say, "You never liked taking pictures, so I'm sorry for not having a recent one."

Then, he added, "And who wouldn't want to take pictures when you look like me? Did you know that I was scouted when I was in middle school, but-"

"Why do you have something like that framed?" Yuki got up and walked towards the frame, mesmerized and enchanted. He took it into his hands and stared at it. His bangs hung over his eyes. "I don't get you at all."

Ayame turned around and started to make tea. "It was the only time I could get close to you after that day."

Yes, Yuki had never forgotten. Somewhere, he'd always detest his brother for not helping him with his stretched out hand begging for help.
"I don't want to go to Akito," his desperate expression said. But his brother had swatted his hand away. From that day onwards, he thought he'd never ask his brother for help ever again.

It was clear that no one would ever save him unless he did it himself.

Yuki stared at the photo dumbfounded. He saw his very young self in a kimono, sleeping, but his crunched eyes in pain, which conveyed how hard it was for him to breathe. But he was holding onto someone's sleeve as someone's other hand lightly pushed on his forehead. He breathed heavily with the oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Why…?" Yuki's heart began to ache; his chest, tightening. He started to have a small asthma attack at the stress of just being with his older brother.

Ayame ran to his side and immediately brought out an inhaler for him from his desk. He then led him to the futon to sit down. He patted his back carefully, and Yuki coughed, his breathing becoming irregular.
"Relax, Yuki."

But it was doing nothing.

"I can do it," Yuki proudly shouted in between the gasping.

His brother wouldn't let him. He pulled him closer and hugged him. Ayame rubbed on his back and told him, "I had a feeling this might happen, so please use the inhaler 'Tori-san gave me."
Yuki nodded with a perplexed, tired expression. He didn't know where to look and he was exhausted from all his everyday school activities, fighting with Kyo, and now conversing with his brother.

He wanted to protest. Wasn't his brother too late?
But why did it feel so warm…

He tried so hard to push himself away, but Ayame kept on securely holding onto him.
Yuki's breathing was still uneven.

"You may not remember the day you had pneumonia, but I do. 'Tori said you were screaming for me. He was in training then, so he was starting to take responsibilities over everyone's health little by little. You were having a severe asthma attack. You wouldn't let anyone else near you, not even Haru. Out of nowhere, you were calling for me." He smiled as his eyes looked down at the ground. "And I came rushing to your room, and so 'Tori took a picture of me while you were holding onto my blouse sleeve."

Yuki's breathing became a little bit better. It was slowing down, but he refused to look at his brother's face. It was embarrassing enough to be in his arms, a place he had once wanted to be in.

A place he didn't know he still aspired to be within.

"I had to take a picture of you while you were fighting!" Ayame said with a fist in the air and chuckled. "That's the little brother I didn't know I had until that day!"

He touched his head to his little brother's. "Won't you ever forgive me, I wonder…"

Yuki's eyes closed at his brother's low, gentle voice. "You…always confuse me…"

The water was boiling and Ayame pulled himself away as Yuki opened his eyes. They were plastered on watching his brother making tea by putting some sugar and milk into it. He didn't know what to make of anything.

*/*/*/*
The next day, his brother made him stand up with his arms out. Ayame was trying his best to get the most accurate measurements for everything.

"Embryting hah mm hmm hm hmhm! (Everything has to be perfect!)" While holding onto the end of the measuring tape with his lips, he wrapped his arms around Yuki's chest. Yuki felt incredibly uncomfortable being so close to his brother. His brother had a way of imposing on his personal space and sucking it dry until there was no distance left.

Yuki, with a grimace on his face, was trying hard not to blush.
He couldn't help it though and he was mad at himself for getting redder as his brother tied the measuring tape on his waist.

Grab.
He felt his brother's hands on his sides. "You have a smaller waist than I did when I was in high school!"

"The tape! Use the tape!" Yuki humphed as his eyes grew a bit smaller while whacking Ayame over the head with his fist. "You still haven't learned what it means to be discreet with anyone!"

"Why would I want to learn something like that? I do whatever I feel like, Yuki." Just then, because he loved to spite his brother since he had the cutest expressions, he wrapped his arms over his waist and pulled him closer to him.

"I can measure you this way too."

Yuki's blushing became a deeper red.

Ayame then let go and put his arms around his shoulders.
"Hey!"
"And this too." Then, he pushed him against a wall and cupped his fingers over his wrists to figure out how big they were.

"Stop that!"
"Ah, this also."
After that, he put his arm up to see how long it was next to his.

Yuki then found out his brother was much stronger than he'd ever thought. And stronger than him!

They eyed each other and Ayame shook his head.

He looked at him and smiled wistfully. He leaned his head on Yuki's shoulder. "I know I don't have the right, but we don't have much time. Someday, someone will take you completely away and I won't be able to do anything at all."
Yuki's eyes widened. He didn't understand. "What are you talking about?"

"You always run away from me," Ayame whispered into his ear and then finally let go.

"I…Onii-"

Ayame laughed at that very instant and pulled himself away. He poked him on the forehead. "You get too serious about everything. I love your expressions because they crack your serious mask. Your faces are priceless."

And he had meant that in every sense possible. Anything but the obvious.
After all, he was himself and using words was his specialty.

"That's all I need." He turned around and smiled while going to his desk to start sketching.

"You! You always make a fool out of me!" Yuki shouted in back of him as he sat on the futon with a gruff, which was pulled out to be a bed for him. He sat on it with a grudge as he eyed his brother from time to time.

And there was silence.

Yuki couldn't go home without the costume, so he started to study on the bed with his papers and notes spread out all over. He looked up and down at them, trying to remember the most important points, but once in a while, he'd glance at Ayame, who was sewing. By hand.

It was strange. His brother wasn't trying to fill in the missing space with unnecessary words as he usually did.
It felt weirdly peaceful.

Ayame was concentrating hard on the costume with his back towards Yuki. He couldn't believe what he had done earlier.

His obsession with trying to get along with his brother was making him do things that even he wouldn't usually do. But there was something about Yuki that made him want to push further. Something deeper than guilt.
Ayame wouldn't even look at Yuki. It was too hard to.

And he wanted to make this costume with all the affection he couldn't openly give him. If only Yuki could be wrapped in the warmth he was giving to this costume…

"You're a hard worker after all," Yuki commented as he stood beside him, impressed at how diligent his own brother could be. (Well, he did have a one-track mind…) Yuki watched as he pushed the needle and thread in a mechanical, yet precise fashion all over the shiny material.
"Ah! You're actually praising your brother! I knew it'd be only a matter of time until you recognized how great I am!" Ayame sewed happily.
Yuki was back on the futon and mumbled, "Forget I even mentioned it."
Ayame nodded his head slowly and his lips curved upward.

*/*/*/*

When Yuki fell asleep over his pile of papers, Ayame was finally done with the costume. He held it out in front of him. Instead of using dyes, Ayame made a kimono-type of outfit, but it was lighter and the background was silky black. The pattern he embroidered onto it was a crane flying over a red lake.

When he brought it to Yuki, Yuki's smiling face entranced him. He wanted to poke him to wake him up, but just couldn't. Instead, he fixed the bed and put a blanket over him.
He put his hand over his forehead.

His eyes began to fill with tears. "Only 'Tori and you can reduce me to this."

He was too proud to say sorry because he didn't ever like losing.

Ayame then pushed Yuki's bangs to one side and went over to the cushioned chair off to one side and slept there again that night. When he woke up the next morning, the costume was gone with a note of thanks in its place.
And Yuki's blanket was over him.

He held it closer towards him.

"I tried to wake you up, but you were dead asleep. So, I left early for school. Thank you very much. It's very beautiful. - Yuki"

He read the note again and put it in back of the picture inside of the frame.

After a few days, he passed by the school to see how he was doing. He had heard from the passersby how successful the teahouse was and that samurai Kyo (complete with an orange wig in a ponytail) and Yuki the teahouse waitress were competing to see who could bring in more sales. (Of course, this was all Kyo's idea, but Yuki decided to see how far his brother's kimono would take him.)

He peeked into the classroom and saw Yuki talking with an embarrassed face. His hair was up. Yuki was looking especially lovely with his pale skin contrasting the black of his costume.

As he wore it, he pulled on it slightly, feeling the warmth of his brother's work. It was strange, but that was all he could describe it as inside his head. And to tell anyone was out of the question. He'd rather die than admit it.
At the corner of his eyes, he saw someone turning around to leave. He bowed and said sorry for not helping with clean up, but Tohru patted him and grinned.

"Don't worry about it. You did a great job. You helped a lot of with sales. Both you and Kyo-kun!" She pushed on his back as if she knew what he wanted to do.

Yuki quickly left and Tohru looked out the window. She smiled down at Ayame, who shrugged his shoulders. He put his hands into his pockets and walked onward as she turned around to help with the clean up.

"What did I come here for?" He wanted to hit himself.
What was he trying to prove anyway?

Click, clock, click, clock…!

"You!" Yuki was huffing and puffing as he stopped walking quickly after him.
Ayame lifted up his head.
"Why didn't you come in?" Yuki's wooden shoes took another step forward.
"Because I didn't want you to be in a bad mood when you were having so much fun."
"Do you think I like dressing this way?" Yuki asked as he stood a few feet behind Ayame's back.

He still couldn't face him.
"You do a lot of things for reasons that even I don't understand."

Yuki was taken aback. Wasn't that his line?
"I only did this because Tohru-san asked me to…" Then, he blurted out, "And because you made this for me!"

Ayame turned his head and laughed. He brushed his hand through his hair, catching the tear coming from his eye. "You would wear something by the person you totally hate?"
"I…don't hate you."
"Yuki. You don't have to be polite. Besides, I cheated." He started to laugh sheepishly while looking around and then focused back on Yuki's eyes. "I asked Tohru-san if she could help me find a way to become close to you. So, I wasn't fair."

Yuki's face became blank. He just looked at him.
But then, he grabbed his sleeves with the tips of his fingers. He pulled on the sleeves a little to straighten them out and towards his brother's direction.

"All this time, I thought you disliked me. And then, I saw how hard you worked on it." Yuki took another step forward as Ayame turned his whole body towards Yuki's direction. "But nothing prepared me for when I wore it. I understood your feelings when I touched this and realized that you never, ever hated me…

...you were just scared of being kind to me that day because you could see yourself in my eyes."
"Maybe…maybe that's true."

"Maybe you understand me better than I know myself," Ayame thought to himself.

They looked at one another and Ayame couldn't look away this time. This time, Yuki reached for his sleeve and this time, he didn't reject it. He patted his hand warmly before they both let go.

There were no words.

"You always try to fill in the silence with words whenever you're with me," Yuki said while taking a deep breath.
"Because I'd rather you shout at me than be indifferent towards me."

Ayame then put his hands towards his hips. "And who could ever ignore me? I'm too-"
Yuki sighed as he leaned his head forward. "Every time I have my moment, you go ahead and-Hey!"

Suddenly, Ayame pulled his wrist and whispered into his ear, "What makes you so sure that that's all it is?"

Yuki blinked his eyes and was flustered all over again.
At that, Ayame pushed Yuki back. He smirked at him. "I'll see you later. Be sure to visit me, little brother!"

With his head up, Ayame adjusted his collar and arrogantly walked off the campus. As he turned the corner, he shook his head. He ran his fingers through his hair. "What are you doing?"
It would only hurt further from here if you got too attached…

Instead of getting mad and exasperated, Yuki stood there watching Ayame walk away. He was more than confused as he looked at the kimono he was wearing. At that moment, he remembered a story Shigure told him once.

/"There was a beautiful crane that was well-known for its pure white feathers. They shone in the sun and sparkled.
This crane would fly over a certain lake because he wanted to visit a human boy who would be fishing there every single day. And yet, the crane could do nothing to help the boy who was struggling to survive. But no matter what, that boy continued to smile and always tried his best to catch the crane because he wanted to keep it. Or at least, have some of its feathers so that he could sell them.
Then, one day, when he was going to visit the boy, the boy was faced down on the lake, bleeding to death from a stab wound. He wanted to know what happened.
The crane cried and cried, but there was nothing he could do. And he never found out what happened to him. Was it suicide or murder?

'I should have let you catch me! Then I could have granted you a wish.'

The crane prayed to the spirits to make him human. In the next lifetime, he would help him, but in return, because he had been so selfish, he would be cursed. Each time they were reincarnated, he could help him, but could never have him.

So, afterwards, they met and the 'crane' fell more and more in love with the 'boy', but could never truly touch him."

"That's a really interesting story. Why don't you write stuff like that once in a while?" Yuki teased.
"Because this is Aya's story. Not mine."

Yuki was stunned./

"Why do you complicate things on purpose?"

He turned around to go back and help with the cleaning, but he went to the bathroom. Yuki's fingers held onto the sleeves once more and he brushed the material against his cheek. Then, his eyes started to water and pour down in raindrops to the tile floor. They betrayed him again.

The 'home' I wanted with smiles on everyone's faces…
I wonder if it's better not to know.

I wonder if it's a place that shouldn't exist between you and me.

Silently he sobbed. He wouldn't ever want someone to see his tears because his pride wouldn't let him. At this very instant in time,

he completely understood his brother.

Giving was never the problem.
It was holding back as much as possible.

Owari.
-
Author's note – See, I wanted to do a Shigure fic, but then I researched on his interaction with Ayame. Then, I talked with Celeste and she gives me this crack suggestion, and so here we are, a character I've never done before for a pairing I probably unconsciously liked all this time if my ABSOLUTE 2nd favorite part in Fruits Basket is when Yuki says, "Let's grill him."

Then…yeah. The wheels in my head turned and this was the product of the self-created crack. XD It's confusing and I hate making things so open-ended, but hell, new is good! And the reason why I made Yuki wear such a thing was because the name 'Ayame' was actually the name of a very famous onnagata (a man who plays women's parts in kabuki theatre).

Ah, trying to think of something new everyday is so hard…

Love,
Yui
Friday, June 24, 2005
2:55 AM