So yeah, there was a moment on the Raw before the royal rumble where Randy & John where in the ring together, where I freaked out and then nothing happened between them. Then about an hour ago, my lil bro asked me to watch said raw again and I noticed this really suttle, sad almost tired look between them.
Then this one shot happened.
Taking a long drag of my cigarette I sighed as I exhaled. It had been a long few weeks. The current 'Super show' concept leaving me on both shows and doing double the traveling would have been exhausting enough, but the current royal rumble theme ppv leaving in the the ring or in the same room with him far to often.
I ran a hand over my face, I had moved to smackdown all those years ago for a reason - the same reason I always did - to get away from him. Just being in the same locker room was enough to kick start memory's I didn't want.
My chest tightened, as I tried to ignore the past.
The fire exist door beside me flung open and I looked to see which of my fellow co -workers was coming out for a smoke happy for the distraction of conversation.
"Randy" My eyes widened, just at the sound of the voice I shivered.
"John" I smiled sadly and he returned the same smile, "You don't smoke" I stated.
"No, but I needed some air" He shrugged and leaned against the wall I was currently learning against, he left an ovbious space. Almost as if he was scared to touch me, I almost laughed at the irony, there where times long ago he found it hard not to touch me. Bile rose in my thoat as I thought of all the times even in ring where he would rub his head over my groin or dig his nails in just a little to hard the way I liked it, silent promises of what would follow.
I followed his gaze to his shoes, trying to work out what was so interesting, but his bare leg caught my attention more, I followed the muscle and I licked my suddenly cry lips. I tried to look away from him but very quickly looked back.
I let my eyes rake over his arms, his navy blue shirt and bands suited him, blues always did. He was lightly tanned from spending so much time in the sun lately, not quiet my colour but a nice glow over his muscles I eyed his upper arm, the sheer size always made my mouth water. He was so powerful, could hold me in any position he wanted so easily. As my eyes traveled upwards I almost cursed out loud, wanting to see his collar bone and his chest. I swallowed hard.
I spied the scar on his neck from the surgery and remembered how terrified I had been for him, how I barely left his side when he got home. I also remembered the sound he makes if I nip at it with my teeth.
I mentally continued up his neck as I used to, along that strong jaw line, wanting nothing more than to leave a trail of kisses along it, and those lips, curved lightly into a knowing but still some what sad smile.
"See something you like Orton?" My breath caught in my throat as my eyes flew to his and I realised he'd watched me practically undress him mentally. The sentence used between us for so long, the sentence that used to excite me send me into a frenzy, where I would lunge at him and not let go until we where both done. It was different this time though, this time it wasn't said out of hunger or used as a trigger. It was sad time time - hurt.
His tone left me feeling guilty as hell. I knew I had hurt him, hurt him a million times and badly. Our whole relationship fucked and confusing and yet he always forgave me - yet some how I knew deep down this time it wouldn't happen.
"Always" I replied sadly and he scoffed, shaking his head at my reply and pushing himself off of the wall, ready to leave, I reached out my arm to stop him.
He pulled away like I had burned him.
I lowered my gaze at the look of disgust he gave me. "Don't you dare even try it Orton" he hissed.
To hear that tone coming from those lips, I would rather he punched me and said nothing.
"I'm sorry" I sounded pathetic but I felt so much worse.
"No" he groaned, "Fucking no!" he pointed to my face "You don't get to do this again, not here not now!" He tried to pull the fire door open but I put my foot against it making it impossible, "let me go Randy" he hissed turning. I had blocked him in between my leg and the door, pinning him to me.
"I can't" I sighed, "You know I can't" He pushed me firmly away from him, but made no move to go back inside, "God knows I've tried"
"Fuck you Randy" He tried to sound angry but his voice broke, I snapped my eyes closed not wanting to see the hurt look on his face that always followed that tone.
"Johnny" I tried,
"Don't call me that" he pleaded, "Just don't - we are not going there"
"I never meant to hurt you" I stated, it was true. I never wanted to hurt him, I just got scared and selfish and ran. Every time.
"Well you did" I winced, "And you know you did - so I don't understand why you are here. Your match is over"
"I wasn't ready to go back to the hotel yet" we both knew what that meant.
"I wonder if he knows how much that means - that your not back yet. I wonder if he knows how the little details, the change in your baseline behavior are the beginning of it" He spat bitterly, knowing himself that the three times it happened between us, it was the three times I left him. In Ovw, from Smackdown to Raw and then finally from Raw to Smackdown.
"I won't leave Cody" he looked confused, "I'm never straight back at the hotel with him, never quite as needy with him as I am with you"
"Well, maybe that's a good thing" He looked sad.
"I don't love him" I told him hoping it would change his expression. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud, but I always knew I wouldn't love Cody. He never had a chance with Cena around.
It didn't help, he just looked angry, "Then why are you with him!"
I didn't have a straight forward answer for him, there was lots of reasons I was with Cody. None of them where justifiable or even remotely right, more so when I looked at him and I could see just how much he loved me.
"Why did you leave me for him" I almost didn't hear it.
"I didn't leave you for him, Johnny" I sighed, "I just left you" I shrugged, "And then there was him"
Part of me wished I had went back with Cody now, I never wanted to get into this conversation with John & I certainly didn't have the answers to give him either, but I also knew I didn't have the answers to give to Cody about why I was so distant lately, why I hated working main event spots, or why I didn't want to go into the rumble when John was going to still be there. How do you explain to your 8 month boyfriend that you have an ex you never told him about and even the thought of touching him unleashing emotions that Pandora's box itself couldn't contain.
"So why did you leave? You didn't have to go to smackdown. You didn't have to ignore me for months and you certainly didn't have to get with the first kid that could offer you a decent distraction!" He hissed.
I rubbed a hand over my face, sighing as I tried not to let my emotions over whelm me, all I wanted to do was hold him and make it all better.
"You know the really sad thing about all of this, I can take you running like you always do - I can even take the idea that it was the end for us and it got too real all of a sudden. I could handle that I wasn't good enough and Cody is! But that kid has always adored you, and you are using him! You are letting him fall - the same way you let me fall and he doesn't even know how bad and twisted you are!" He took a deep breath for the rant, "He doesn't even know how badly you are going to break him!"
"Johnny, stop please" Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him, "I hate that look on your face"
"Which one, hurt, disgust, anger, pity?" He laughed bitterly, "I love you so much Randy it physically fucking hurts. I have put myself through hell for you, for us! I have lied to my family and friends! I have waited for over a decade for you - and for what? For you to keep running? To up and leave me when you feel the need - for your continues cheating - for your excuses, for the lies about your drug use! I have wasted to much time on us Randy and I am done with it!"
"Johnny, don't you dare say that!" I felt the air rush out of my lungs at his words.
"Why it is true, more so now than ever. Whatever this thing between us was, it's done. You have Cody, and he's good for you, just try to be good to him too. He never signed up for your shit"
I reached out to him, and tried to pull away, but I firmly pulled him into me.
"John, you promised - you swore!" I begged, "Nothing, not ever"
"And so did you" He finally answered, "There would be no one else - I could handle anything else, but that Randy" He shook his head, "I can't handle even the concept of Cody" his eyes watered and he bit his lip in defiance. He hated letting me know how I had hurt him.
"I don't love him"
"That, only makes it worse in every single way" His voice broke and he looked he straight in the eye, "I can't do this anymore Randy"
"Johnny, I love you" I begged. I didn't even know what I was begging for.
"I know baby" He sighed, as I thumbed away a tear from his face.
"I just get scared Johnny"
"I know" he sighed, "But every time you do, you run and then I get hurt and that's not fair"
"I know, but I don't want anyone else"
"That's only because you have someone else, we both know you never want what you have"
"He could leave right now and I wouldn't even notice"
"Maybe not, but what do you suggest Randy? Because regardless of how this conversation ends, you're going back to Cody and I'm going back to an empty bed and a night of self hatred and a broken heart"
"It doesn't have to be-" I started, I would make everything okay if he would let me. He always lets me.
"Yes it does, because Cody doesn't deserve to go what I've been going through these last few months, doesn't need to wonder why I'm better than him, why you choose me, he doesn't need to hate seeing my face. He doesn't deserve a broken heart, he's good for you Randy, you don't deserve him and he's good for you" I bowed my head knowing he was right, Cody had always been so good to me, as had John before him. I always managed to screw everyone around me up. I didn't deserve either of their love.
"But I don't love him" I pleaded with him. My whole world shattering around me, everything I was ever certain of, every fiber in my being, every memory that built me into the man I am. All of it changing, falling apart.
"Learn too" He smiled sadly, "He deserves you to at least try for him" He took a deep breath, looked me square in the eye, "I wish it could have been different for us Rand, I really do" More tears filled his eyes, his hand ran across my face before it fell to the side.
"Goodbye" He pulled himself out of my grip, pulling the door open and walking into the arena.
"John! Johnny!" I called after him standing at the door, tears streaming down my face. A few techies seen me and threw us both strange looks, I didn't care and John never turned around which is when I knew he truly didn't either. This really was the last straw.
So I have no idea what this is, but I have centon feels and they had to be written.
Reviews would be lovely.