A/N I: After you read this you might be asking yourself, "Is JJ insane?" The answer is "Yes, Yes, I am." This is a silly story written strictly for laughs. Enjoy! Oh, and please don't sue. I came by my insanity the usual way: I got it from my family.
The Rhino-Virus
"So, what do you think it is?"
Jennifer Keller examined the odd looking spot on the end of Rodney McKay's nose. "I have no idea. I'll need to do some tests, run some scans, maybe a little exploratory surgery." That last was said with a wink to let him know she was joking.
"Not funny! This is serious! We could be looking at some sort of plague or flesh eating virus or-or-or who knows what. I don't want to end up horribly disfigured!"
She didn't know why but she loved the way he could blow even the smallest injury out of proportion. "Rodney, honey, calm down." She told him in her most reasonable voice. "The chances of this being anything like that are very slim."
"Ah! But there is a chance. Can we get on with the poking, prodding and scanning, please, before it spreads?"
"Yes, sir!" She gave him a mocking salute and motioned to members of her staff who would take it from here.
* * * * *
An hour later Marie wheeled Rodney back to his bed, connected his heart monitor, oxygen sensor and EEG leads then inserted an IV into the back of his hand. His lunch was delivered just a few minutes later and he stared at it as if he thought she were trying to poison him.
"What is this?" He sneezed and rubbed his throat.
Marie looked back at him. "It's the lunch you requested, Dr. McKay. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots and Jell-O."
"Ugh! It smells horrible. Take it away and get me a salad, a big one but just different kinds of lettuce, no tomatoes, celery, dressing or anything like that, and lots of water." He cocked his head as if listening then raised his voice in irritation. "You know, I'm right here. If you're going to talk about me behind my back then don't do it in front of me."
Dr. Cole and another doctor looked around then realized he must be speaking to them. But how could he know that they'd been talking about him? They'd been whispering and were more than six meters away. It was noteworthy so they sought out Dr. Keller and informed her of the odd development.
* * * * *
Before long the rest of Team Sheppard was in the infirmary complaining of a variety of ailments: sore throat, runny nose, sneezing, coughing, headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, loss of appetite-even Rodney-as well as the same strange spot on the end of their nose, a heightened sense of smell and of hearing with reduced visual perception.
In the hours since they'd been admitted to the infirmary, the spots had grown to cover the entire nasal area. All tests on it gave the same conclusion for all of them: it was made of keratin, the same substance that makes up hair and fingernails. They were rushed into isolation and there they would stay until it was determined they were not contagious to the rest of the population.
* * * * *
Woolsey and Keller, still in her hazmat suit but without the hood, stood in the observation area overlooking isolation.
"You're absolutely sure of your findings?"
"Yes, Mr. Woolsey. The team has contracted a mutated form of the Picornaviridae virus. It does not seem to be as contagious as the original is on Earth but we're keeping them isolated just in case."
The commander of Atlantis leaned on the window ledge and peered down at Sheppard, McKay, Teyla and Ronon. The small spots of keratin that were grayish in color had now spread to cover their entire heads as well as creating a horn-like enlargement that extended outward from the nose then curved slightly upwards.
"How are you treating it?"
"There are no antiviral drugs available for treatment at this time and nothing in the Ancient database so we're treating it the old fashioned way with fluids, rest, cool-mist humidifiers, throat sprays and OTC meds."
"Is it helping?"
Keller moved to stand next to Woolsey. "Yes. They should be completely free of the virus in four or five days."
"And the, uh, other symptoms?" He waved his hand around his own head to indicate the cranial and facial deformity they all had.
"We don't know but we're guessing it might take a little longer to clear up though there seems to be some easing of those symptoms as well. Their eyesight is slowly getting better. Their hearing and sense of smell is also returning to normal and they are beginning to request foods other than leafy vegetables and water."
"Good. Now all I have to do is write a report to amend the one you will be submitting to the IOA. They'll want photos, of course. And I can see their faces now. It will be the biggest laugh any of them has had in years, perhaps decades."
"True. But who would have thought that even a mutated rhinovirus would do this?" She gestured and both looked down into isolation again where the members of Team Sheppard were dealing with their seclusion in their usual way: poorly.
* * * * *
Rodney looked at his face in the mirror again and huffed in frustration. "This is so embarrassing. We look like the prison guards from that animated Robin Hood movie where all the characters are animals."
"Just get over it, Rodney! Keller said we'd be back to normal in a few days."
"Oh, no-no-no-no-no. She said probably, not positively. I am so sick of eating salads but anything else makes me nauseous."
Teyla had been sitting with her head in her hands but now tossed Rodney an exasperated glare. "Rodney, we are all in the same condition. It does no good for you to constantly complain about it. We will be better when we are better and not before so please discontinue talking. You are making my ears hurt."
"Well, excuse me if I don't want to look like an escapee from the Rhino exhibit at the Greater Vancouver Zoo." He gasped. "What if this turns out to be permanent? Will it affect my DNA? What if Jennifer and I decide to have kids? Will they look like this too?" He put his head in his hands and began to moan.
Teyla and Sheppard, their tempers frayed beyond repair, began shouting at the physicist so Rodney hit Sheppard with a pillow then threw it at Teyla. Before long the room had erupted into utter chaos. They yelled, screamed and threw things at each other. Bedpans, pillows, sheets, blankets, anything that wasn't tied down or too heavy was being hurled willy-nilly around the room.
It all came to a sudden and stunned halt when a deep voice bellowed. "Cut it out!" Ronon had been asleep and was awakened when an IV pole fell on him. "Everyone just shut up and sit down!"
Sheppard, Teyla and Rodney did as he commanded seating themselves on the side of the nearest bed. They exchanged bewildered glances. Sheppard had a surgical mask dangling from his horn and Rodney was battling his way from under a sheet that had gotten caught on his. Teyla carefully reached up and removed the mask then assisted Rodney from under the sheet.
"Geez, what's got him so bent out of shape?" Sheppard asked after giving Teyla a smile of thanks.
"I do not know. He has always been…combative." Teyla surveyed the mess they'd made of the room they were forced to share. "Once we have cleaned up this mess perhaps the three of us could play a game on Rodney's computer."
The physicist grinned. "Oh, that's a great idea!" He picked up a bedpan and several pillows. "As long as it's not 'Zoo Animals on the Loose'!"
The End
A/N II: Rhinovirus(from the Greek rhin- which means "nose") is a genus of the Picornaviridaefamily of viruses. Rhinoviruses are the most common viral infective agents in humans, and a causative agent of the common cold. Symptoms include sore throat, runny nose, nasal congestion, sneezing and cough; sometimes accompanied by muscle aches, fatigue, malaise, headache, muscle weakness, or loss of appetite.
Rhinoceros, often colloquially abbreviated rhino, is a name used to group five extant species of odd-toed ungulates in the family Rhinocerotidae. Two of these species are native to Africa and three to southern Asia. Three of the five species-the Javan, Sumatran and Black Rhinoceros-are critically endangered. The Indian is endangered, with fewer than 2700 individuals remaining in the wild. The White is registered as Vulnerable, with over 9,000 remaining in the wild. They generally eat leafy material. The horns of a rhinoceros are made of keratin, the same type of protein that makes up hair and fingernails. Rhinoceroses have acute hearing and sense of smell, but poor eyesight.