Dedication: To Sierra Rose. Merry Christmas!!
Disclaimer: Lyrics + Fullmetal Alchemist
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Ame
I've come to like the mornings more now that Roy's gone. Because I can wake up and get dressed and have breakfast and drive to work, all the while pretending that he's going to be there when I arrive. And even when I arrive at the office, I can sit down my desk and pretend again like he'll walk in at any minute—or that I'll get a desperate call telling me that he needs me to cover for him while he's down at the shops buying hangover pills (even though I tell him that that stuff never works and that I'd know—having absolutely no stomach for alcohol).
…But then Fuery walks in and he wants to sit at my desk. At his desk. And suddenly I'm forced to realise that Roy's not coming in today; that that big empty swivel chair by the window that he so loved—that he used to swirl around in when nobody was looking but me—wasn't going to be filled. Not by him—not ever again. That that's my chair.
Colonel Riza Hawkeye.
It doesn't sound right. It doesn't feel right. Not when he's gone.
I get through the mornings
When I'm alone and you're not here just fine.
But now even the memories I can't handle
Are like an interrupted movie.
In the afternoons I walk home alone. Today it rains and I think of him and me sharing an umbrella, stopping for hot chocolates, dancing in the rain. Rain used to depress him so I'd make it fun. We'd fool around like a normal couple, pushing each other out from cover and into the rain. I'd call him useless—he was anything but.
It's really pissing down by now and I'm just standing here under half an umbrella, pretending like he's still standing on the other side—like I've got a reason for half my side to be wet—like I've got something important next to me that I've got to keep dry. But all I see is empty air and it feels like there's no point to anything. Even the umbrella—who have I got to impress when I get home? I toss it aside violent—not caring where it goes. I won't be coming back for it.
The pouring rain soaks everything
You, who I loved, fade away...
Even though I'm pounded by the dull rain,
I don't need an umbrella,
Because I'm alone.
It's cold now too. Deathly cold. I wish he were here to hold me—to make me warm, or just to soak me further. I wouldn't care as long as it was him. I wonder briefly about my umbrella. I hope someone's picked it up—maybe one of those carefree young couples that I always admired are now dry because of me. Yes, that'd be a happy end for my poor umbrella. It was always meant for two.
There.
There.
One moment I see it and then it's gone. Him. See him. Have seen him. Just now. Just there.
There.
No Riza. He's not. Can't be. Couldn't be. He's not there. Wasn't. Was not. Not there.
I'm going mad.
I have to keep walking.
It's so cold, though. I want to go inside and sit down. I want to go home. But it's only now that I realise that I don't know where that is. How far have I chased shadows of him—of people who've looked like him, maybe? I don't know. Don't want to know.
But I'm cold.
And there! There he is again! Come back! Please, come back!!
Why won't he wait for me? I've waited—so desperately, for so long. Just a moment. Just a moment and I'll be there. Can't he manage that?
I follow. I have to.
It happens in an instant, but
I only continue wandering.
With words that turn aside the times
When we were casual with each other,
We keep changing where we are.
And then there he is. Under my umbrella again. Umbrella… but wasn't it—? Didn't I—? Maybe not because there it is. There he is. Back. Here. Again. Right here. Within my grasp once again. God! Thank you!!
He smiles at me—so lovingly, so tenderly—and I'm tired then. I tell him so—asks him if he knows where we're going, because I've lost my way. He says of course he does—that this is the way we walk every afternoon. The way home. And suddenly it is. I know where I am now—a familiar patisserie, the flower shop. There, look there—Lieutenant Colonel Hughes! He smiles and waves from across the street and I find myself smiling widely. I know my way from here. Everything is okay.
"Lieutenant Colonel!! Hello, sir!!"
He waves more fervently and I squint to see that he's holding a small pile of newly developed photographs—of his family most likely. His daughter Elysia's just turned 5.
"My place later??" he calls, and I remember suddenly the invitation to dinner he'd given us. Roy and I. I smiled and nodded—waving again as Roy pulled me further and further away. Best to get home quickly and change into something dry, he says. Before we catch cold. I know it's really just that he doesn't want out in the rain, but I follow him anyway.
The face that I see in the midst of sleep
Turns into a vision of a distant season.
"Riza!! Riza!!"
Is that Rebecca's voice? It is, I think, but I can't see her. She calls louder and the vision blurs. The rain, the umbrella, him. I see myself surrounded by snow on a street I only vaguely recognise.
"Riza are you okay?"
Where is he?? Where am I??
Rebecca's worried face appears within my visage. Why worried? Has something happened to Roy? He was just here!
It takes me a few minutes to realise that I'm the one on the ground, and that Rebecca is trying to move me carefully. I shake her off and get to my feet, looking around this new environment nervously.
"Rebecca, where's Roy?"
She looks at me like I'm mad.
The pouring rain soaks everything
We, who were in love, fade away...
With tears running down my cheek,
I don't need an umbrella,
Because I'm alone.
"Riza," she tells me, her voice soft and wavering slightly. "Roy's gone."
"I'm not."
I smile as I hear him voice, and Rebecca appears to be worried by this. I console her as best I can, "Don't worry," I tell her. "He's okay."
She is not comforted.
"Riza…?
"Come on, Riza. Let's go home."
I tell Rebecca not to worry—that I'm not. I'm just going to go home now and I'll see her tomorrow.
"With Roy?" she asks, and I reply, "Of course so."
Since I live on in my withered heart
Heartbreak, loneliness, and tears
Don't exist there.
"Riza!! Riza!!"
She's still yelling but from further away now. I keep telling her not to worry—just go home and get out of the rain quickly. Roy and I can't talk because we've got to get ready to go out again.
Roy nods smilingly. "Don't worry," he says, but I can tell that she still does.
I offer her my umbrella since she's getting so wet and we're already at my door by now, and Roy complains because he doesn't want to get wet, which is just like him even though we're practically inside now.
"Riza, wake up!!" she cries and that confuses me.
"Go home and get some rest, Rebecca," I tell her, leaving the umbrella out on the step for her as I close the door. "I am awake."
This rain soaks everything
The season when we were in good spirits comes undone
Closing my eyes as the tears flow,
I don't need an umbrella
In this last rain,
Because I'm alone.