Baby Blues
It was a sight she never thought she would see, five tiny fingers wrapped around a single one of her own. He was tiny in her arms but that was to be expected given his premature birth. He was a fighter, so fragile yet so strong all at the same time. A little solider, that's what they'd said. His gorgeous dark brown eyes, so like his mother's, stared back at her. For some reason unbeknownst to her he was content, for now at least, with being held by her. Silently Carla gazed down at the tiny baby boy she held, captivated by him. He was as beautiful as his name, Harry, suggested he should be.
There was a question which played upon her mind, a question she could never speak out loud at least not until she was alone with her fiancé. What was she supposed to do with him? The tiny baby boy, that was, not her gorgeous fiancé. She'd had many a fiancé within her arms before. Him she knew how to handle, but the baby boy she now held was almost alien to her. It seemed impossible to believe that someone so small could spark so much fear within her but he did. Her heart beat so fast she was amazed it didn't unsettle him, her breathing slow and steady as she looked down at him, the traits of a woman attempting to ease her fear.
Still that question played upon her mind, what was she supposed to do. Was holding him simply enough or did he need more from her by way of entertainment. Her fiancé often spoke to the little one but meaningless chatter had never been her forte as it was his. He made silly little rhymes but all that filled her head was an empty space where fear prevented anything from materialising. She should've known what to do. If she was truly a mother she would've known what to do, but she was not. She was just a woman, afraid of moving in case she unsettled him. Scared she would hurt him if she held him too tightly, scared he would fall if she didn't hold him tightly enough.
Somewhere behind her she heard them talking in the kitchen. They were watching her but she knew them better than to believe they were judging her. 'Look at those two.' Sarah said, almost dreamily as Nick glanced up from the coffee mugs to follow his sister's gaze. Carla didn't need to look round to see her fiancé's smile, she knew his smile as he did hers. 'She's a natural.' Sarah continued, a hint of something which may have been considered jealousy hidden within her tone. 'I think you might be right.' Nick replied, smiling proudly despite being overcome with a sudden sadness because the baby in his fiancée's arms was not theirs.
A baby with Carla was something Nick knew he wanted but something he knew he could never put any pressure upon her to give him. She was fragile, too fragile, where motherhood was concerned. If only someone could have shown her the same gentleness she herself had shown his sister throughout her pregnancy. Maybe then she would never have lost her little girl. As he watched her, cradling their nephew upon the sofa, he began to see beneath her serenity. His sister was oblivious to the facade but that was not unexpected. Mrs Connor had all but perfected the art of concealing her true emotions from those who did not know her like he did.
There was another question which played upon Carla's mind, so much simpler than the first yet so much more difficult to bear. Her unspoken question now was simply, why? Why had this baby boy chosen to fight when her little girl before him had chosen to retreat, and take a path which would lead her far away from her mother's arms. A single tear threatened to fall as Carla closed her eyes, breathing deeply before slowly exhaling to compose herself. 'We're okay.' She whispered, more to herself than to the baby who simply stared back at her, his tiny hand still clutching at her finger. 'We're okay.' Carla whispered, the blip which had threatened to unravel her serene like state for now controlled.
Her fiancé's hand was light upon her shoulder, his whispered words soft within her ear. 'You can relax, you know.' He whispered, oblivious to the escalating thoughts which spiralled through his fiancée's mind. His soft kiss fell upon her cheek and a coffee mug was placed on the table before her. 'I don't want to hurt him.' She whispered as though her words alone had the power to unsettle the baby. 'You're not gonna hurt him, Carla.' Her fiancé reassured, his hands light upon her shoulders, his face so close to hers that his breath fell against her cheek. As he spoke she turned to him, allowing him to see the fear in her eyes and knowing he knew all too well why that was so.
Silently they gazed at each other, holding a secret conversation within their eyes as they so often did, their grief for their own lost children uniting them. That was the heartbreaking reality they shared, wishing the child in Carla's arms could have been either of the children they had each themselves lost, but he wasn't and never could be. 'You like Auntie Carla, don't you, little man?' Nick softly said, returning his attention to his nephew and gentle tickling the little boy's tummy. His words cut through her as though their purpose was of reminding her that she was auntie, not mummy, but she knew that her fiancé was not that cruel. 'She's beautiful, isn't she?' Nick asked their nephew who gurgled as though in agreement to which Nick nodded before his soft kiss found its way to Carla's cheek.
Oblivious to them Sarah paced Carla's living room, sighing into her phone as she fought a losing battle with her mother, the exasperated tone she spoke with catching their attention. 'Problem?' Nick asked as his sister ended the call with a sigh and sat heavily upon the sofa opposite. 'Oh, just Mum talking about Callum.' Sarah enlightened them. 'It just annoys her that he hasn't shown any interest but if he did you know she'd be the first to complain.' Nick attempted to reassure his sister, moving from where he had been leant over the back of the sofa to sit beside Carla, his arm remaining around his fiancée's shoulders.
There was a brief silence around the room which Sarah broke. 'Y'know she's convinced he's going to turn up at the christening.' She told them over her coffee mug. 'He wouldn't dare.' Nick said dismissively. 'Not with The Godfather around.' Carla added, playing upon Nick's role as godfather to the baby and her own deduction that he was the Don Corleone of The Weatherfield Mafia. 'You're funny.' Nick told his fiancée in a tone which suggested she was anything but. There was a cheeky grin which crossed her lips as she softly chuckled, something which had become a rarity since their baby nephew had entered the world.
With her fiancé close beside her Carla felt a little more relaxed about having the baby in her arms but still a trace of her fear remained. Still she didn't trust herself to reach for her coffee, the risk of spilling it over the baby too high for her to take. Still she simply watched the little boy whilst Nick and Sarah began to discuss the baby's father, something which didn't interest her in the slightest. This little boy was better off without him. As godparents she and Nick would make sure that he would want for nothing. 'Men are useless.' Carla interjected into Nick and Sarah's conversation, her bold statement startling her fiancé. 'Er?' He questioned her as Carla glanced round to catch his startled expression. 'Most men are useless.' She corrected herself with a loving smile in his direction which he returned, forgiving her as soon as she tilted her head a little to one side.
Softly shushing the baby who'd begun to cry a little Carla returned her attention to him. 'You're better off without him, you know that.' Carla told Sarah, carefully repositioning the baby in her arms to settle him but still he continued to cry. Slowly a sense of panic started to creep over Carla, telling her that she'd done something wrong. Fearfully she turned to Nick who put his hand on the baby's head but Carla lightly shook her head and pushed the crying baby towards his uncle. 'You always do this to me.' Nick teased Carla with a whisper as he took the baby from her. 'He's probably getting hungry.' Sarah commented as Nick began pacing the floor with the little boy.
Watching her fiancé attempting to settle the baby Carla felt herself falling beneath a sudden wave of emotion. He would make an amazing dad one day, she'd always known that. As she reluctantly closed her eyes a single tear began to fall from her eye and Carla found herself brushing the back of her thumb over her cheek to rid herself of the trace her tear had left. 'I'd better get ready.' Carla suddenly said, excusing herself from the room before quickly disappearing into her bedroom. Leaning back against the door, Carla covered her mouth with her hand, muffling her sobs as she began to cry. They were the heart wrenching sobs for her lost little girl that she hadn't cried for so long mixed with the fearful tears of an auntie out of her depth.
After a short while Carla pushed herself away from the door and crossed the room, sitting on the edge of the bed before curling up with her head resting on Nick's pillow. It was there, having handed the baby back to his sister, that Nick found Carla still curled up on his side of the bed as he expected she'd been for some time. Slowly he approached her and climbed carefully onto the bed to lay facing her, his head also resting on his pillow next to hers. For a moment Carla simply looked at Nick through her tear stained eyes. 'That should be me.' She slowly said. 'Carla, sweetheart.' Nick carefully said, unsure whether she meant that it should be her with a baby or simply that it should be her settling their nephew like he did. As he looked at the tears within his fiancée's eyes Nick doubted whether even she herself knew which she'd meant.
Slowly Nick reached out to Carla who lightly smiled at him as he pushed her hair away from her face. 'That could be us, few months time.' Carla said with an almost dreamy air about her words. 'You'd want that, wouldn't you?' She asked, leaving Nick a little speechless. Carefully he paused for thought. Her question needed no consideration as far as he was concerned but the tears in her eyes told him she was still so fragile. 'You know I'd never put that kind of pressure on you, Carla.' He gently said, his hand coming to rest upon her hip. For a moment Carla was silent, gazing into Nick's loving eyes. 'You don't need to.' Carla told him simply.
With Nick wondering whether this had become Carla's way of telling him that she wanted them to try for a baby of their own, Carla placed her hand over the top of his. 'I'm pregnant, Nick.' Carla told him, pushing his hand towards her tummy as she spoke. 'What?' Nick asked as he struggled to keep up with what Carla was telling him. 'We're having a baby.' She whispered, holding his hand against herself as she watched Nick take in her news. Slowly a wide smile began to cross Nick's lips before he leant close to Carla, kissing her. Their kiss was soft and slow before Carla pulled away, snuggling into Nick who kissed her forehead. 'How long have you known?' He asked, surprised by her mumbled response. 'Couple of days.' Carla said vaguely.
A light frown crossed Nick's face as he pulled back to look down at Carla properly. 'Why didn't you tell me before?' He gently asked to which Carla lightly shrugged. 'You were busy with Sarah.' Carla explained. 'I didn't want to take you away from your family.' She told him. 'Hey.' Nick said, his tone causing Carla to look up at him. 'You two are my family now.' He softly told her, knowing there was nothing he wouldn't do for them. 'You don't have to do this on your own, you know.' Nick reassured her with a whisper. 'This isn't like it was before.' He carefully added, his dark eyes holding hers. 'I'm gonna look after you. Both of you.' He reassured, causing a light sigh to escape Carla's lips at his words.
For a moment the pair simply gazed at each other before Nick slowly pulled his hand away from Carla's tummy to gently catch her tear with the side of his finger. Carefully he edged his finger just beneath her eye but his gentle actions only served to smudge her mascara further. 'Sorry.' Nick whispered inaudibly, moving his mascara smudged finger away from Carla's face. Lightly Carla shook her head as she sat up. 'I better sort this mess out or we'll be late.' She said, wiping her hand over her face as she glanced at her tear stained appearance in the mirror. 'We still think you're beautiful, Mummy.' Nick whispered, placing his hand against her tummy as he admired her. A light gasp escaped Carla's lips as he referred to her as mummy, something she had not yet allowed herself to believe despite having seen the result of her pregnancy test with her own two eyes. Tilting her head a little to one side Carla smiled down at Nick before leaning close to catch his lips in hers.
Reluctantly pulling herself away from Nick's kiss Carla crossed the bedroom and picked out a couple of wipes to remove the smudged remains of her makeup. As she began to clean her face Nick watched her in the mirror, his mind filled with nothing but thoughts of the baby slowly growing inside her. 'What do you think it is?' Nick asked, his eyes never leaving her. 'It's a baby, Nick.' Carla softly smirked, throwing the wipes into the bin and collecting her makeup bag. 'But, boy or girl?' Nick softly chuckled as Carla placed her makeup bag onto Nick's bedside table and sat on the edge of the bed. 'I don't know.' Carla replied, looking through her makeup bag for the right shade of eyeshadow to compliment her outfit for the christening. 'What do you want it to be?' She asked him. 'I don't mind, as...' Nick began to reply but stopped himself before his intended words could hurt Carla who stopped looking through her makeup bag. 'As long as it's healthy.' Carla finished for him, her words falling to an inaudible whisper as she cast her eyes to the floor before closing them against the threat of tears.
There was nothing but the silence of unspoken words between them. The only movement that of Nick's hand which found its way to rest against Carla's tummy. There was nothing he wanted more than to be able to tell her that their baby was safe. 'I'm scared, Nick.' Carla whispered, placing her hand above his as she slowly opened her eyes. 'Is that allowed?' She asked with a whisper as she turned her head to look across at him. 'Of course it is.' Nick softly whispered back, parting his fingers against her tummy to allow her to slip her fingers between his. 'But you don't have to be afraid of being afraid.' He attempted to reassure her. 'I'm still scared.' Carla whispered, almost inaudibly. 'Tell you the truth I am too.' Nick replied, for the first time acknowledging his own fear. 'But we're in this together.' He told her reassuringly. 'The three of us.' He whispered, returning the light smile which slowly crossed over Carla's lips. 'The three of us.' She repeated, placing her hand upon Nick's shoulder as he sat up, slipping his arm around her back to hold her close. 'I love you, both of you, you know that.' Nick whispered as Carla curled her arm around his neck to hold herself close against him. 'We love you too.' Carla whispered against Nick's lips as she met his kiss.