AN: Wrote this the other day. Felt very introspective and stuff on Kanda and how he feels about Allen. It can be interpreted as romantic or just friendship, I don't really care. I'm not making this explicitly clear either way. I just know that they are definitely close comrades. So no shipping wars, please? If you do decide to read, enjoy~
"The Noah can never forget their hatred of the innocence. The more you wounded him with it, the more that hated gushed out."
I did it… to him?
No matter how hard I try, the memory won't vanish from my mind. Watching as your skin turned gray. The voice of the stupid Earl. That horrible laughter.
It was my fault that happened to you. I blamed you. I attacked you. I let my hatred for the order block out everything else. I noticed the 14th back when we were attacking the level 4. And I told no one. I didn't even tell you.
I was so absorbed in my own hate. I didn't think about you, and I should have. I could have done something. Going to the order might not have helped. But something, anything. Anything would have been better.
I know it's at least partially my fault that things turned out the way they did. I knew even before Alma said something that you were a Noah. They'd told us, hadn't they? We all knew. You knew that much.
And yet you still helped us. I was selfish enough to ask, and you were selfless enough to say yes. We both knew you wouldn't get away with it easily. And I don't know what they've done to you now, whether you're still alive and in their clutches, or if you escaped. Maybe you aren't even you anymore. Maybe you're a Noah.
But I can't let go of this regret. I now have a debt to you, and I'm not like Cross. I repay my debts. You helped me, when I was the cause of your troubles. That's who you are – you help people regardless of who they are, and what they've done to you.
You always were a martyr. From the very first mission. And you were willing to do so much for Alma and myself. All we ever did was hurt you, and yet you gave up everything for us.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pulled you into this. I pulled you down without even thinking about your well-being. I'm no better than the Noah, letting you get hurt because of my own hatred for the Order.
I dragged you into this mess. I brought the Noah out. And I regret it. You were right, I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about the people I cared about, because it hurt. I didn't think about you. I didn't think about Alma.
I lost Alma. But I won't lose you. If you let that Noah win, I will be the one to kill you. It's the only way I'll ever make up for what I've done. I'm part of the reason the Noah awakened. And if the Noah has won, if the Noah does win, I will do what I promised.
I know you'll be mad at me, but this is the only way. I'm going back to the Order. Alma and I are already free. And if I didn't have to, I would never go back. But I will need Mugen. I will need those resources to find you. If you're not still with the order, at least one of them will have some clue where you are. If you're dead, if you're a Noah.
This regret won't let me die. I won't die. Not until I can make amends for this. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry, Allen.