Flawed, Pt. II

A/N: Another short post-ep fluff, this time set after the episode in which Max agrees to flee with Zack to Canada, but Logan gets ill and she decides to remain in Seattle, after all (again, I don't know the English title). I'd love to continue my series of post-ep M/Z/L fics, but they stopped airing the DA reruns here in Germany - halfway through season 1! I just hope they'll show the rest soon, as I don't want to deviate from canon.

OK, now the story. Told from Zack's POV.

XXXXX

I know I shouldn't have these feelings. They don't fit the soldier I am. The soldier I should be. But the boy Manticor created has grown to be a man.

Personality, they say, develops in dependency of the social area a child grows up in. If that is so, I'm not surprised. I've been on the run, yes, and I've known hard times. But once I was out of Manticor, I was no longer in a military area - so how could I develop into a soldier, through and through?

Still I shouldn't feel like this. Max is my sister, at leat in a way, and that is all she should ever be for me. Not long ago I mocked her for this flaw of hers, but now that it's too late I understand her. Feelings... love... what is it? I try to tell myself that it's just chemical reactions in my brain. Nothing more. But in the end it doesn't matter what exactly makes me feel as if my heart was ripped in two.

I'd never have thought that I'd confess to someone else I had weaknesses. But tonight I did it, and I don't think she understood what it meant to me. I don't think she understood what I was trying to tell her. She is too preoccupied. I know that he is on her mind. She denies it, but I know what he means to her. I can see it in her eyes, which never seem to lose this sad look. She loves him, and he loves her, and although they both try to ignore it, it's only a matter of time until they'll find each other.

Max agreed to go to Canada with me, but she paid a high price. I should be glad, or at least relieved, that she chose this way, but how could I ever be glad when she is sad? Would it be better if I let her go? She is not my prisoner; she can leave at any time she wants, but she stay with me because she feels she should. She feels obliged to me, and while I really fear for her security, part of me is being selfish, trying to loosen the bonds that connect her to Logan. But is that fair? I who once thought feelings were a flaw am now making the same mistake I reproached Max with: I'm letting my feelings control my brain. My actions are the consequence of what my heart tells me rather than my mind. The real reason why I persuaded Max to leave with me has nothing to do with Lydecker.

But this is not fair. Max doesn't love me, at least not the way a woman loves a man. She may love me as a brother, but if I ever tell her that my feelings are not those of a brother, she'll leave me, anyhow. And if I don't tell her, she'll choose Logan. Either way, I can only lose her. So why should i go on pretending; why should I continue hoping when all hope is already lost? Why should I make her leave with me when all she wants is to stay?

I'm letting you go, Max. I'll continue to watch over you, but I won't interfere with your life again. Go home to him. This is where you belong. You never belonged with me, and it's about time I understood and accepted that. I cannot hold you back.

But you made me understand one thing: no one is flawless.

And neither am I.